Ridgerunner
31-01-14, 04:06
I would like to share the way my thoughts go. Obsessive thoughts that is. Like I can be setting watching TV or whatever and I feel that familiar feeling of ruminating coming on. Then it's how could I think of harming my child. And then I picture him in my mind playing or something and I see my self walking in harming him. It kills my soul and I hate it. I don't understand it. I love my kid more than life itself. I would give my life for him. It's like it's feeding off of my fear. That's the way my ocd has worked for 25 years. Or I could be hunting with my dad in the past and I could be setting with him and see my self doing something horrible with a gun. I am the safest person alive when it comes to gun safety. I never even keep loaded guns in my house. And they r still locked up in a safe. I've been in relationships before and would be lying next to them in bed and would picture myself grabbing their neck or something. It's horrible and I'm sure y'all think I'm nuts. But I can assure you I'm the opposite. I've had the same job for 20 yrs , from a loving family, the youngest of 3 kids, strong faith in god. Just basically an all around average nice guy. Have lots of friends who I'm thankful for and my family is really loving and close. So it's no wonder these thoughts make me feel like a total monster because they are totally opposite of everything I am. My little boy has always been like my shadow. I've carried him with me everywhere since he could set in a car seat. I'm divorced now but I still have joint custody but I don't want to waste my time with him worrying. I get him again tomorrow night and I'm really nervous. I have been through this all before many times but it always hurts just as much. Does any of this sound familiar ? Like I've said before I also have the what ifs , want to, could I, how could I thoughts too. I also have the usual checking locks appliances faucets , having to pray just right etc.