HOCD. Really scared now :(

[wilcb003]

For the last couple of weeks i have had a pretty scary encounter with what i think is HOCD but am terrified it is some sort of latent homosexual feeling.

I am not homophobic at all, but the idea of being gay upsets and scares me and these thoughts just fuel that emotion. My thoughts started after i had a dream about my best mate coming out.

I have been straight all my life, first crush was a girl, had relationships with girls and recently had a break up with one.

I do not find myself actually finding men instinctively attractive, i just continually force myself to look hard and question whether i do. I am grossed out by gay porn and the thought of that.

Its hard to reassure myself though, especially since i had one experimental experience when i was 13, nothing major or full on, but enough to make me question myself now i'm 20. Even then i didn't consider the possibility of being gay though, i was attracted to girls at the time, i just didn't even think about it then.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

I do not struggle with OCD, but wanted to encourage you to get some counseling. Would you be able to talk to a therapist who could guide you?

[shakey1961]

From what I believe most young boys and girls and teenagers experiment sexually and it's quite common for boys to experiment with boys. When I was 16 a friend and I would engage in mutual masturbation, he's happily married with kids, I'm gay and single. And it was my mate who made the first move with it, not me!!

I knew I was gay early in my teens, it's genetic you have no choice in the matter, just like having blond or brown hair, brown or blue eyes.

You'll come to know your sexuality at some point, so in the meantime don't fret over it.

Imagine a scale, at one end lets say -10 being totally heterosexual, "0" being Bi-sexual and +10 being totally homosexual, I reckon you'd be hard pushed to find lots of people at -10 or +10, I think most people would hover between -5 to +5, I don't think sexuality is a fixed thing. Like I say, I'm gay but I can appreciate a beautiful lady and I would like to be in her company.

So what if you are gay, it's not the end of the world. No-one is asking you to go round with a banner proclaiming to the world "Look at me I'm Gay", just like a "Straight" person wouldn't go round saying "Look at me I'm straight."

BTW I hate gay pride festivals. Why do gay people have to go parading through the streets - don't get "Straight" festivals.

Calm down, you'll know soon enough. Stop worrying and go and enjoy life.

[wilcb003]

Thanks, really appreciate the feedback. I know that some people take time to discover their sexuality, but that's not really my issue. It's more the fear of it. Like i said i'm not homophobic, have gay friends and all that, but i enjoy my life, my relationships with girls, can't see myself ever being 'with' a boy like that and the intrusive thoughts really frighten me. Wanna keep my life like it is. I don't feel like 'oh i wish i could just be honest about my feelings or thoughts', its that these thoughts are unwanted, they aren't 'me'.

Appreciate everything mentioned on here though. Thanks