Maxine21
31-01-14, 17:33
Hi all,
Its important to know that I have always been a hard working individual and have usually always been able to balance a social life and work.
I started university at 18 sailed through first and second year without too much stress and then it my third year I didn't have a smooth run.
In the first semester I had an awful tooth absess which resulted in me being on pain killers for about 6 weeks and then in my second semester during a peak time where two important assignments were due my best friend in her hometown lost her dad suddenly which resulted in me travelling back home a lot more frequently mainly to support her and just generally be on hand if she needed me as it was an emotional time and with that my own Grandad was also admitted to hospital too after a fall so all these things spiralled out of control with me visiting home and returning to uni with the stress of a dissertation and assignments as well as these personal problems I began to stay up later some nights not sleeping feeling emotional and anxious all the time panic attacks and then on march 20th two assignment deadlines I cracked and was emotionally gone I had completed the assignments but were not ready to hand in and after all the stress emotions over the previous weeks and not sleeping and hardly eating that was it I had completely lost myself and was so overtired and emotional I was contemplating suicide. My parents live in Spain and were doing their best to support me but to be honest I was too emotional and stubborn to admit I was struggling and they flew back as soon as they hard of my mental breakdown. As for my brother and housemates they helped and got me to the uni so I could have extentions on assignments which I got given. Then over the easter I got told to take time off and sleep and go to the doctors.
I went to the doctors told me to rest and relax and they give me zoclopine sleeping pills only 6 to kick start a sleep pattern as I was so out of sink having not slept for weeks and I gradually got better after the support of my parents and my brother I completed my assignments and handed them in and then I had to return to uni for my third and final semester which my dissertation had to be handed in. My parents flew back to spain and I gradually got better but when I returned to university the memories of my pain and breakdown that I felt a few weeks ago came flooding back resulting in more sleepless nights and panic attacks again I went to the uni and they granted me extentions on my exams from april to july and told me to take time off. Again my parents returned from Spain in April and I stayed at home and relaxed and again returned to the doctors who recommended counselling and more sleeping pills again and anti-anxiety tablets and then my parents decided it may be good for me to get time away so whisked me off to spain. So I was in Spain and to be honest that's where things got worst for me I gradually worked on exam revision cards each day and again having not slept for a long time I lost a lot of weight and was generally very ill. My parents convinced me I was getting better which wasn't their fault and they wanted whats best for me. They arranged for me to see a psychologists over there and he was gradually helping me to release my stress through breathing and mindfulness techniques and he also recommended melatonin herbal sleep remedies then as the weeks past and I gradually got closer to returning to England for my exams towards the end of july. Over those weeks again having not slept and with spain getting warmer in the climate, I was very emotional I couldn't understand what was wrong I was crying constantly felt numb and would get panic attacks and anxious over little things. I thought I was going mad I was suicidal for those weeks my mind was constantly racing and when I tried to sleep in my own bed my mind would not switch off and never felt I slept at all. My parents were debating to have me sectioned as I was spacing out crying all the time and was wearing away physically and emotional. I remember one night distinctly I was having a schizophrenia episode hearing voices in my head and my head filled with suicidal thoughts and I honestly wanted it all to stop and I wanted to kill myself just so my mind would switch off not that I actually wanted to die. I would resort to screaming in the night and crying all the time not knowing what was happening to me and I was getting panic attacks with my heart racing and body spazming and generally feeling so afraid to say what I was feeling encase I was sectioned or taken away. Then having not slept again for a good few months I caught a flight back to England with my parents and when we landed I begged them to book me a doctors appointment as I needed to be on some sort of medication as I was so stubborn and generally thought things would get better on my own without drugs maybe its as I did psychology at uni so I was a bit sketkle going on tablets as I was worried it would be for life. Got back and the doctor put me on mirtazapine 15mg and was so worried about me I had lost a lot of weight closed myself off to everyone was very emotional and my mind was racing I was ready to commit suicide and then after a few days the tablets would help me sleep and they helped me through while I completed my exams which had been extended then gradually over a few days my sleep returned to normal with the help of these tablets and gradually I became less emotional and less paranoia no more panic attacks and felt more like myself all I needed was sleep. Then a few days later upped my dosage to 30mg standard average dose and then come August I got myself a part time job and was gradually earning money getting into a sleep routine and regular sleep pattern and gradually I got a lot more better over the next few months following regular visits with my doctors and I would take my pill before I went to sleep boom out for 8/10 hours until my alarm for work and gradually I started to go swimming reconnect with my friends after closing everyone off for months and my parents returned back to spain and got myself into a regular routine and was generally returning to my old self as I have always been a level headed person and too considerate for my own good but I like to consider myself as hard working and genuinely nice. Then gradually over the months I began to feel happy and through chatting to my family and friends and understood that many people go through breakdowns and never talk about it and I was sketical myself after going on tablets and mirtazapine worked great for me I would get occasional sleepless nights but not too much. Then come November I graduated and was the happiest I had ever been and beamed with pride after I got my first as I worked hard at my degree and deserved it more than anyone as I had a horrible third year and was lucky I managed to hold it together as long as I did to be honest. Then December my doctor lowed my dose to 15mg and told me to take one every other night for four weeks then stop and again a bit sceptical as for the problems I heard with withdrawal and I had absolutely no problems following the doctors orders and I came off them. Now we are in January and only been off them a month and feel like exactly my old self prior to my breakdown and I recently have got a boyfriend which is going great and I can honestly say I am in a good place in my life. Yes I do have my down days but they are nothing compared to the physical and emotional pain of my meltdown and now I look back and think that was a horrible time and if ever god forbid I find myself in this situation again I will go straight to the doctor without hestitation as mirtazapine saved my life and got me through horrible insominia and depression and now my sleep patterns are all back to normal and I actually sleep better than I did before my tablets and prior to my breakdown. I'm 21 now and I have learnt a lot and I feel its important to share my experience as being on tablets is not the 'last resort' 'more people suffer than you think' 'there is help out there all you have to do is asked no matter how alone you feel' 'things do get better with time'. For me the worst was feeling like I was alone and always remember you are not and I only hope that all of you in the future will give yourself the best chance to get you back on track and to what feels normal to you and to not be afraid to ask for help. In my case I should have gone for help sooner and maybe I would never have been as bad as I was but 10 months down the line I am more alive and happy than I have ever felt and my breakdown has taught me to recognise signs of being too stressed tired and just stopping and taking a break and a step back as nothing is worth the stress. Thanks to the support of my family and friends I am now a stronger person and am very happy. Things do get better with time and everyone says that but I can honestly say from my experience this is true and I hope my experience has reassured any of you and I do know what you mean when you say you don't feel normal or yourself...I have been there and I have come through the other side and as will you with time. Hope this helps. Maxine xx
Its important to know that I have always been a hard working individual and have usually always been able to balance a social life and work.
I started university at 18 sailed through first and second year without too much stress and then it my third year I didn't have a smooth run.
In the first semester I had an awful tooth absess which resulted in me being on pain killers for about 6 weeks and then in my second semester during a peak time where two important assignments were due my best friend in her hometown lost her dad suddenly which resulted in me travelling back home a lot more frequently mainly to support her and just generally be on hand if she needed me as it was an emotional time and with that my own Grandad was also admitted to hospital too after a fall so all these things spiralled out of control with me visiting home and returning to uni with the stress of a dissertation and assignments as well as these personal problems I began to stay up later some nights not sleeping feeling emotional and anxious all the time panic attacks and then on march 20th two assignment deadlines I cracked and was emotionally gone I had completed the assignments but were not ready to hand in and after all the stress emotions over the previous weeks and not sleeping and hardly eating that was it I had completely lost myself and was so overtired and emotional I was contemplating suicide. My parents live in Spain and were doing their best to support me but to be honest I was too emotional and stubborn to admit I was struggling and they flew back as soon as they hard of my mental breakdown. As for my brother and housemates they helped and got me to the uni so I could have extentions on assignments which I got given. Then over the easter I got told to take time off and sleep and go to the doctors.
I went to the doctors told me to rest and relax and they give me zoclopine sleeping pills only 6 to kick start a sleep pattern as I was so out of sink having not slept for weeks and I gradually got better after the support of my parents and my brother I completed my assignments and handed them in and then I had to return to uni for my third and final semester which my dissertation had to be handed in. My parents flew back to spain and I gradually got better but when I returned to university the memories of my pain and breakdown that I felt a few weeks ago came flooding back resulting in more sleepless nights and panic attacks again I went to the uni and they granted me extentions on my exams from april to july and told me to take time off. Again my parents returned from Spain in April and I stayed at home and relaxed and again returned to the doctors who recommended counselling and more sleeping pills again and anti-anxiety tablets and then my parents decided it may be good for me to get time away so whisked me off to spain. So I was in Spain and to be honest that's where things got worst for me I gradually worked on exam revision cards each day and again having not slept for a long time I lost a lot of weight and was generally very ill. My parents convinced me I was getting better which wasn't their fault and they wanted whats best for me. They arranged for me to see a psychologists over there and he was gradually helping me to release my stress through breathing and mindfulness techniques and he also recommended melatonin herbal sleep remedies then as the weeks past and I gradually got closer to returning to England for my exams towards the end of july. Over those weeks again having not slept and with spain getting warmer in the climate, I was very emotional I couldn't understand what was wrong I was crying constantly felt numb and would get panic attacks and anxious over little things. I thought I was going mad I was suicidal for those weeks my mind was constantly racing and when I tried to sleep in my own bed my mind would not switch off and never felt I slept at all. My parents were debating to have me sectioned as I was spacing out crying all the time and was wearing away physically and emotional. I remember one night distinctly I was having a schizophrenia episode hearing voices in my head and my head filled with suicidal thoughts and I honestly wanted it all to stop and I wanted to kill myself just so my mind would switch off not that I actually wanted to die. I would resort to screaming in the night and crying all the time not knowing what was happening to me and I was getting panic attacks with my heart racing and body spazming and generally feeling so afraid to say what I was feeling encase I was sectioned or taken away. Then having not slept again for a good few months I caught a flight back to England with my parents and when we landed I begged them to book me a doctors appointment as I needed to be on some sort of medication as I was so stubborn and generally thought things would get better on my own without drugs maybe its as I did psychology at uni so I was a bit sketkle going on tablets as I was worried it would be for life. Got back and the doctor put me on mirtazapine 15mg and was so worried about me I had lost a lot of weight closed myself off to everyone was very emotional and my mind was racing I was ready to commit suicide and then after a few days the tablets would help me sleep and they helped me through while I completed my exams which had been extended then gradually over a few days my sleep returned to normal with the help of these tablets and gradually I became less emotional and less paranoia no more panic attacks and felt more like myself all I needed was sleep. Then a few days later upped my dosage to 30mg standard average dose and then come August I got myself a part time job and was gradually earning money getting into a sleep routine and regular sleep pattern and gradually I got a lot more better over the next few months following regular visits with my doctors and I would take my pill before I went to sleep boom out for 8/10 hours until my alarm for work and gradually I started to go swimming reconnect with my friends after closing everyone off for months and my parents returned back to spain and got myself into a regular routine and was generally returning to my old self as I have always been a level headed person and too considerate for my own good but I like to consider myself as hard working and genuinely nice. Then gradually over the months I began to feel happy and through chatting to my family and friends and understood that many people go through breakdowns and never talk about it and I was sketical myself after going on tablets and mirtazapine worked great for me I would get occasional sleepless nights but not too much. Then come November I graduated and was the happiest I had ever been and beamed with pride after I got my first as I worked hard at my degree and deserved it more than anyone as I had a horrible third year and was lucky I managed to hold it together as long as I did to be honest. Then December my doctor lowed my dose to 15mg and told me to take one every other night for four weeks then stop and again a bit sceptical as for the problems I heard with withdrawal and I had absolutely no problems following the doctors orders and I came off them. Now we are in January and only been off them a month and feel like exactly my old self prior to my breakdown and I recently have got a boyfriend which is going great and I can honestly say I am in a good place in my life. Yes I do have my down days but they are nothing compared to the physical and emotional pain of my meltdown and now I look back and think that was a horrible time and if ever god forbid I find myself in this situation again I will go straight to the doctor without hestitation as mirtazapine saved my life and got me through horrible insominia and depression and now my sleep patterns are all back to normal and I actually sleep better than I did before my tablets and prior to my breakdown. I'm 21 now and I have learnt a lot and I feel its important to share my experience as being on tablets is not the 'last resort' 'more people suffer than you think' 'there is help out there all you have to do is asked no matter how alone you feel' 'things do get better with time'. For me the worst was feeling like I was alone and always remember you are not and I only hope that all of you in the future will give yourself the best chance to get you back on track and to what feels normal to you and to not be afraid to ask for help. In my case I should have gone for help sooner and maybe I would never have been as bad as I was but 10 months down the line I am more alive and happy than I have ever felt and my breakdown has taught me to recognise signs of being too stressed tired and just stopping and taking a break and a step back as nothing is worth the stress. Thanks to the support of my family and friends I am now a stronger person and am very happy. Things do get better with time and everyone says that but I can honestly say from my experience this is true and I hope my experience has reassured any of you and I do know what you mean when you say you don't feel normal or yourself...I have been there and I have come through the other side and as will you with time. Hope this helps. Maxine xx