Suffering partner have spells of relationship doubts, and I cant take it anymore.

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Everyone.
Im writing here because I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Someone who understands....So I turn to you guys, who can give me the best advice.

My significant other suffers with anxiety. We have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. Because I know what he is dealing with, I try my best to be patient, stay calm, be positive, supportive at all times. Even the times when I do not have the strength. I am by no means perfect, but I really try my best to be an understanding partner. I really do.

The issue is, he was diagnosed with anxiety before I knew him and was on medication for a while and then stopped. He is constantly worried about anything and everything, jobs, finance, family, friends, our relationship...just everything. I feel like he has this constant fear inside of him that something is gonna go wrong. For example, he recently got a new job. One that he wanted for years, and when he finally got the job I thought he would be happy. Instead, he was anxious that the month gap he had until starting this new job, something was going to go horribly wrong. I understand that this is a part of the illness, and honestly anyone suffering with this is soo brave because I cannot imagine how it would be to always be scared and worried.
The thing is though, when I try telling him that maybe its worth going to a doctor again, he brushes it off. He doesn't fully recognize that it is his anxiety that is acting up.

The reason why I am writing this post is, every now and then..he gets doubts about our relationship. In my point of view, we have a great relationship. We are best friends, we are intimate, we laugh together, share the joys and troubles of life, we rely on eachother, we plan our future together, we are affectionate etc. I am so in love with this person, which is why it hurts me so much when he suddenly doesn't know if we are suitable for each other.
And that is when I break, and let my emotions take over. I get scared that he will leave because he has these doubts. I mean, the doubts always go away and we continue being happy.

Its just, when those doubts come up its tears me apart and I just feel so scared. I let my emotions get to me and I kind of have a bit of an outburts which he doesnt understand. So for example, he will ask me out of the blue "do you think we are suitable for eachother". When he says stuff like that, I ask him over and over "WHY do you ask this, do you feel like we dont?" etc. And his reply willl always be "I am JUST asking your view and that is IT, nothing more"

I just want to ask you guys, is this his anxiety speaking? Because there is literally no other reason for him to be unsure of me and him. And if it is his anxiety speaking, then how in the world can I control my emotions and fears? My tears are rolling down as I am writing, all I want to do is be a good partner but sometimes it honestly tears me apart.

I would be so deeply grateful if anyone else can share a similar story or any other opinions. I really dont have anyone to talk about, as my closest friends to not understand how it is to have an illness like this and be constantly worried.

Thank you so much guys.

[girl92]

I do the exact same thing to my partner. My anxiety makes me uncertain about every aspect of life. I ask the exact same question, when I'm anxious or under pressure. I know my relationship is the most concrete secure thing in my life so I don't know why I do it. I just question everything. I hope that helps you understand that the doubts he expresses are just his anxiety talking. The constant nagging fear that nothing is secure are safe and there's always a chance of things going wrong. It's no reflection on his feelings or you relationship. Just anxiety talking

[Oosh]

I agree with previous poster. That sounds like HE has been anxious about whether YOU still want HIM due to his tiresome anxieties.
He's possibly worrying about you, wondering if you're fed up with him.
Credit to him for being so composed and just asking "do you think we are suitable". He probably doesn't want to be too heavy about it but has doubts so wants reassurance.

Hard to tell from here of course but that's what I'd be inclined to think.

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Guys,
Thank you for your replies :)

Oosh: Well, he will ask me whether I think we do suit and when I say "yes I think we do", he will say "I dont know, we're just so different...We're so opposite!" etc. It doesnt really become better then with my reassurance. And when I would ask him "Are you happy?" and he will say "Yes im very happy" Its only then he calms down a bit. But these thoughts always come back and it eats me up. It happened again yesterday, I want to be sure its the anxiety speaking because if its not then I need to find a way to deal with this. Like I said, in general we have a pretty great relationship, so I literally dont know why he feels like that at times :(

[suzibandit]

being anxious about everything can spell disaster for a relationship. I suffer exactly the same way as your partner and have destroyed relationships for my constant need to reassurance. If my partner hadnt text me for an hour then OH MY GOD he no longer loved me !! its so hard to be on the receiving end of a person with anxiety. I would have thought he doesnt actually even know why he is asking he just wants that arm around him, that "its all ok" talk from you.
I feel for you i really do as i know what its like from an anxiety point of view but i also know. the effect it has. Please try to be patient with him and reassure all is ok . It is so hard . Good Luck xxx

[Walkingonglass]

Thank you so much for your reply suzibandit <3

In this case it feel as though he doesn't worry if I love him, but he doubts whether me and him go together, if we are going to be okay in the future etc. And whenever I try to reassure him, he always say "But.......". There is always a "But". So I feel like I cant even reassure him, even though I try. Sometimes I feel like he listens to other peoples opinions but not my opinion. It is SO hard because everytime he gets these doubts I feel so scared that he ACTUALLY feels this way and its NOT created by his anxiety.

I think I myself need reassurance that it is his anxiety speaking :(
We honestly have an amazing relationship 95% of the time, its only the few times when this happens he kind of pulls away and I feel broken and scared he will leave.
I try so hard to be patient and understanding but honestly sometimes I dont know what do to and how to deal with my emotions. And whenever he has doubts, I react with my emotions. And I think that makes him panic even more. I honestly dont know how to deal with it sometimes :(:(

[suzibandit]

its tough on both sides and no matter how hard i try i always ask for reassurance, that is how anxiety is. I fret about everything even when a relationship is going well !! bonkers i know. You sound understanding and i appreciate how that understanding can be pushed to the edge. I cant give you advice on how to deal with it BUT patience is the key and just say everything is fine - that helps me the most.

[Oosh]

Then I'd ask him. It's only communicating. Nothing wrong with exploring a subject a bit deeper that is on your mind.

"Do you know when you ask me whether we're suited or not, you leave me wondering if you ask because you don't think we are suited. If you don't think we are suited can you clarify that point for me because it would imply you don't think we should be together.
On the other hand maybe it's you wondering if IM doubting whether YOURE a good fit for ME ?
When it's not discussed in any depth it leaves me wondering which of those two things it is.
I want you to know that I ......... you very much and don't have any doubts about us being suited at all. On the other hand if you do have doubts about our suitability you need to tell me"

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Oosh.
I have told him how I feel and asked him to give me reasons of why we would not be suited. Personally I think these reasons are quite shallow. Usually something like "Ur very calm, Im always hyper..." Things like that. Yes, we are different, but we compliment eachother. And I dont thing reasons as such are enough to throw away a good relationship. He is still young and very immature, I am quite mature. Hes also told me that because he has seen many marriages failing (two sisters, close friends and cousins marriages) he is scared about our future and always thinks "What if it wont work out".... I feel like he is looking for reasons though because it can literally go from him being so romantic and telling me how much he loves me, discussing marriage...to having doubts. Sometimes I feel like im on a roller-coaster :(

[Fishmanpa]

Hi WOG,

I've been in relationships with women who suffered from mental illnesses. My kids Mom, my ex wife, suffered/suffers from SDD which manifested itself into hoarding and I was with a woman for several years who suffered from bi-polar disorder. To say it was challenging is a gross understatement.

You say your boyfriend stopped his medication. That stood out to me in your post as his anxiety seems to have taken over after that according to your post. Perhaps, this is what needs to be discussed more so than his back and forth feelings about the relationship. When the woman I was with who had bi-polar was on her meds, she was fine really. It was when she stopped taking them (and it was obvious to me when that happened) was when she would go off. My ex wife refused to seek help and we were buried (literally) by her illness.

Your boyfriend was on medication for a reason and that was to help control his anxiety. Have you spoken to him about possibly getting some one on one therapy or CBT? Perhaps a combination of therapy and meds would be in order.

You obviously love him as in indicated by your post and reaching out. Indeed, it does sound like his anxiety speaking but more than that, it sounds like his anxiety is screaming "help!". The bottom line if push comes to shove is you have to do what's best for you. If he refuses to seek help, what more can you do?

I wish you the best.

Positive thoughts

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Fishmanpa :)

Thank you for your reply.

The story with his medication and the beginning of his anxiety was that a few years ago (about 6 years ago now) he started university. He never felt comfortable with the university or felt belonging with people that were there. This led to him feeling depressed, nauseous, disorientated, developed bad sleeping patterns, he felt constant fear etc etc. The doctor diagnosed him with anxiety and said that he needed to move back home. He moved back home and it took him about 2 months to even get out the house and to to the corner shop that was 1 min away. He was on medication, but I think after a few months he slowly got better and stopped taking them.

Ever since then, and ever since I have known him he has always suffered from anxiety. He is always fearful about something, worried and concerned, fears the worst outcome, overthinks everything, scared of small spaces, heights, always a bit shaky, can never sit still, always on the go, always have to do something or be somehwhere, VERY self conscious, VERY insecure, wants to desperately fit in with his friends, has a selfish streak, had a hard time showing any type of emotion etc.
Many times have I prompted him that he might need to see a doctor, but he really does not want to acknowledge that he needs to do this. He always says "Dont worry, as soon as xx and xx is solved I will be fine"...but he never is.

Our good times are the best, and that is what keeps me going. I dont want to leave him because I feel bad to leave him alone in this. I always want to support him when it comes to this and want him to know I am there when he needs to feel safe. It's just these temporary doubts that kills me. I want to learn how to react to this in a better way, where I dont always feel broken and emotional....

Thank you so much guys for replying to me. Feels so good to just write out all my emotions to people who actually understand <3

---------- Post added at 16:42 ---------- Previous post was at 16:38 ----------

Also, just to ask people who are suffering with anxiety. In the previous post I described my partner as

"He is always fearful about something, worried and concerned, fears the worst outcome, overthinks everything, scared of small spaces, heights, always a bit shaky, can never sit still, always on the go, always have to do something or be somehwhere, VERY self conscious, VERY insecure, wants to desperately fit in with his friends, has a selfish streak, had a hard time showing any type of emotion etc"

are these traits typical for an anxiety sufferer would you guys say?

[Fishmanpa]

"He was on medication, but I think after a few months he slowly got better and stopped taking them."

That's my point. There's a reason he started feeling better. Perhaps he should speak to his doctor about going back on them as well as seek help in the form of therapy or CBT.

If you read the symptoms link on the left of the page, you'll see his symptoms there. While I don't suffer from anxiety, what you describe is indicative of the disorder. I'm sure others will affirm that.

Positive thoughts

[Walkingonglass]

Hi Fishmanpa.
I think the reason of why he felt better was because he was yet again in his comfort zone, with family and friends that he felt safe with. That is just a guess though knowing his history.

I have read the symptoms, just wanted some personal experiences of anxiety and if anyone could relate to anything I described :)

Thanks alot for your support :)

[blue_tonic]

Hi Walkingonglass

Firstly I think you need to give yourself a huge “well done” for having seemingly endured a really hard time and you have stuck by him. I can in a certain way relate to everything that he has gone / is going through and I have seen what it does to the other half / yourself. I wasn’t so lucky to have someone ride the storm with me but it makes me realise and I understand it takes a real special / strong / courageous person to do so, so definitely give yourself some credit.
I can give details should you wish how I can relate but reading it was like reading my life in a sense, however the main issue I have read from between the lines is that he hasn’t accepted his illness, like I didn’t until recently, and one of the main ways I would say I got through it was by sidestepping the issue constantly, when you say “Don’t worry as soon as xx and xx is solved I will be fine” I can relate to this. I always used to think the same but it doesn’t, I would think right as soon as I’ve paid off this debt, right as soon as I’ve finished this course, finished this project, ended this season. But what invariably happened is that I replaced one issue with another issue, a constant “other” issue which was completely irrelevant but something to blame how I’m feeling. When the way I was feeling had nothing in reality to do with these issues, life does have stress and strains for sure but there are more fundamental issues in to why it started. Forgive me but iIn some way I feel that you are becoming his constant

[Walkingonglass]

blue_tonic. Tack så mycket för dina fina ord, du är en ängel :) Hej förressten ;) haha.

Everything u are describing, thats exactly how he is. Always side stepping the issue and constantly think it is something else. I sometimes feel like he treats me as a constant aswell, but luckily its very few times he actually acts like this.

Thank you so much for the support and advice everyone who has replied.
I am not gonna stop being there for him and supporting him whatever happens and I will make sure to advise him as much as I can to get appropriate help.
Felt really good to speak to someone that understands though, so thank you http://www.psychforums.com/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif