Just some advice [Archive]

Fishmanpa

02-02-14, 23:10

I've been hanging around on this forum for a while now and have learned a great deal about anxiety and especially HA. In many ways it has helped me in my own struggles even though I don't suffer from this malady.

Today, my youngest child, my daughter age 20, called me. I could tell something was up. She told me she's leaving school (junior year college) to take some time off (medical leave) because she is suffering from depression and anxiety.

I've known she's had some issues since she was about 14. She has gone to therapy and been on meds before. Her issues with depression and anxiety stem from various sources. Her Mom has SDD that manifested itself into hoarding. It was one of the major reasons for our divorce. So you have that plus some abandonment issues I'm sure, along with stresses of school and life in general and it's gotten to her to the point that she can't cope anymore. She's moving home with her Mom the end of the week. She's going to seek a doctor and therapist to help her get back on her feet.

Her and my son (her older brother) were here over Thanksgiving and I could tell she was struggling. Anyway, we had a good talk and I could hear it in her voice by the time she hung up that she felt better in speaking with me. I feel somewhat responsible as I left them when they were young. There were some difficult transitional years but I always felt we had a closer relationship after I left. Over the last several years, with all my health issues, we drifted a part somewhat but still, I maintained contact with both my kids on a regular basis.

Of course I'm concerned. What parent wouldn't be? All I can do is make sure she knows that I'm here for her for whatever she needs. I can tell you that having spent time here on the boards has helped me in understanding her situation on a much deeper level. Many of the things she spoke to me about were familiar as I've heard them here. The insecurity, the self doubts, the worry and anxiousness of one that's not sure what the future holds.... these things and more she expressed, and having responded to many similar issues here gave me the ability to respond to her in a way that eased her mind and gave her some confidence.

I guess what this long post is coming down to.... Are there any tidbits of advice besides the instinctual and info that I already have that would help me help her? She's suffering from depression which stems from anxiety and she revealed that it has taken her to some pretty dark places. The fact that she recognizes she's in trouble is encouraging but I still worry.

Any positive thoughts and advice is welcome. Thanks in advance for your courtesy and feedback.

Positive thoughts

Daisy Sue

02-02-14, 23:17

'Everything for a reason'... did this thought occur to you, as it did to me when reading your post? Sometimes I look back at things in my life and see a pattern - a reason - for why thing happen the way they do, in the order they do... as if something led you here initially, and in turn that can give you tools to help your daughter.

Having gone through panic, anxiety & stress more than once in my life, the best advice I can give you is just be there for her, and make sure she knows it. People assume that they can't help because they don't have any answers or ways to 'fix' the problem, but that's wrong - we can help by just being there, listening, taking time out of our schedules and lives to stand by the person who's suffering & just give them a hug, or our time.. Depression particularly can be a very lonely experience, and knowing someone has your back is very important.

I hope she pulls through this and out the other side, and I'm so glad she has such an understanding and sensitive Dad. :)

Fishmanpa

03-02-14, 00:12

Thanks DSue,

Yes, I did find that to be so. I gained a thorough understanding of the anxiety she's feeling and having very recently gone through some depression myself after cancer, I have an intimate understanding of the darkness that depression causes.

Of course, our doors and arms are open for her for whatever she needs :) She's a good kid, smart and beautiful. I'll do whatever I can to be there for her. I had sent her the CBT course I downloaded from here as it helped me. She's been reading through it and while all the aspects don't apply, there are many aspects that do and have helped me.

Thanks for your reply :)

Positive thoughts

Oosh

03-02-14, 08:00

Just give her someone to talk to on a daily basis, even if it's by phone. It can feel very lonely. Having someone there who's prepared to listen for as long as you want to talk about what bothers you is a gift. I bend my mums ear frequently.
If it's not something both of you are used to try and get her comfortable with it being a frequent thing like two or three times per week. It'll make her feel better, allow you to get to know her and her worries better and you have the opportunity to help shape her thoughts in a positive way.

MrAndy

03-02-14, 09:14

I agree with the above posts ,I now talk to my mother regularly and it helps me enormously.Your time and ear is the biggest gift you can give her at the moment.
Sorry to hear she is going through this.

Fishmanpa

03-02-14, 14:34

Thanks Oosh and Andy...

Yeah, I plan on keeping in touch several times a week. She needs me now and I'll be there for her.... I just hate knowing she's hurting and like I said, having spent time here, I have a pretty good idea what she's dealing with :(

Positive thoughts

Rennie1989

03-02-14, 15:02

What I would expect from my parents (which I sadly don't get) is to just be there. When she's home make her a cup of tea (or the American equivalent, lol, decaf coffee maybe?) and just have a chat, ask her how she's feeling, let her spill it all out, hold her hand and tell her that you will always love her unconditionally and will always be there for her as and when she needs it. Take her out, whether if it's to the cafe, shopping, park, cinema and just have a father-and-daughter time out, have a good moan about the weather and politics or take in the scenery and positivity.

You're an amazing dad, your daughter is very lucky to have an awesome man like you as her father. You'll be fine :)

MRS STRESS ED

03-02-14, 15:57

Fishmanpa you sound like you are doing a fantastic job already ,just by being there for her and listening to her ,that helps more than you no ,talking is a great thearapy dont blame yourself thou things in life happen ,I spilt from my partner years ago I felt guilty for along time on my children ,but not now I no it wasnt a healthy enviroment ,just keep doing what you do best listening to her and good advice ,wishing everything turns out well for you both x

Tanner40

03-02-14, 15:58

Everything happens in this world for a reason. While you have given so many people on here help with their anxiety and you have learned so much, now you are in the best position possible to help your daughter. She ismlucky to have you.

Just be there for her and listen to what she is going through. Give the same advice as needed that you give on here. Tough love may be a bit harder, as the situationnhits so close to home. You will be able to give it when needed, I know.

Just know how much you have helped on NMP. Your input and advice has been invaluable to me. Your daughter is one lucky kid.

Fishmanpa

03-02-14, 16:24

Thanks Rennie, Mrs S Ed, Tanner and all... The encouragement does more than you know. One of the hardest things as a parent is knowing your children are hurting. This one is not a boo boo that you can put a band aide over unfortunately. I also live a good 5 hours away so it's not like I can just pick up and go see her and I'm still not physically up for that kind of drive. Since she'll be off from school now, I'll see if I can arrange for her to come down and stay with us for a bit.

Positive thoughts

Rennie1989

03-02-14, 16:38

That sounds like a good idea, Fishmanpa :) keep us posted.

MRS STRESS ED

03-02-14, 16:54

TooMuchToLiveFor

05-02-14, 14:10

First off, Friend, I am so sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling. As hard as it has been to go through this myself, I think as a parent it is always even harder to see your child go through hard things- especially those where there seems to be so little you can do to help.

Everyone is right on is saying "be there for her." I will share how I am best helped in my journey, and maybe some of these things will be good ideas for her as well.

*Letting me talk….about the same things over and over. When I was/am at a place with my anxiety where it is consuming me I tend to talk to those closest to me about the same things over and over- my symptoms, my processing, my future, my meds. They had to be SO sick of it, but I needed to be able to talk about those things that kept circling round and round in my head. It was like a pressure cooker letting off steam. Once I processed out loud with those who care deeply about me I didn't boil so hot with all of the thoughts.

*Reach out to me- don't wait for me to reach out to you. I may not have it in me to pick up the phone. I may not even answer if you call, but I will listen to your voicemail. Don't make me feel guilty if I don't respond. In fact, put it out there that you aren't expecting me to call back unless I am feeling up to it, but that you would love to hear my voice when I am able to talk. Keep acknowledging that I am going through so much, but that this is a season and all seasons change after a period of time. Don't hesitate to talk about normal things with me too. Trivial things from tv, current events, your life. I am so consumed with me right now that it is nice to have my focus shifted elsewhere.
Texting for me was also so, so helpful. Those times when I couldn't have an actual conversation- I was still able to communicate by texting and it was very therapeutic for me to be able to have "conversations" in a "safe" way for where I was at the time.

*Practical help was also big for me- but I was barely able to handle seeing people to accept it. People dropping off meals, helping with my kiddos, etc- those special people who were in tune to how I was feeling started just arranging these things and slipping quietly under the radar to do them. Leaving food on my front porch and texting me it was there. Picking up my kiddos or dropping them off with a clear understanding that they weren't coming in or expecting to visit. (I don't know what this would look like with your daughter as she lives far away, but maybe a little financial support, gas cards, etc?)

*Also, do not get discouraged if she doesn't respond to you in the same way that we do here. She may have a little "powdered butt" syndrome……since you powdered her butt as a baby she may be less inclined to think that you have as much to offer as you do.
Also, as much as you love her- remember this is a part of her journey. She is going to be okay. Do not let this consume you, or else Eeyore will mosey on in and park himself right in your living room.

Sure will be thinking of you as you and your family walk through this season. I will also add her to my prayers as I tend to pray over my NMP friends and the many areas where we are awaiting peace and grace from above.
:hugs:

Magic

05-02-14, 14:53

You are a good Father fishmanpa. Do not forget that.
From an early age I always said to my girls.
"I want you to tell me if anything is worrying you at any time
it does not matter what it is. It will not shock me and I will
not be angry" I still say it to them today and they are in their
forties!
When I was in my twenties or even younger I could not talk
to my parents. If they had been more open I think I would
not be the nervous, anxious person I am today.
All the best x

Fishmanpa

05-02-14, 16:01

Thanks TooMuch and Magic....

That's some good insight TooMuch... I spoke with her last night and she sounded more upbeat. I think because she made the decision to leave school it's helped as the pressure is off. Much of her anxiety stemmed from the very difficult task of passing certain tests to become a special ed teacher. She's taken them twice and hasn't passed so that's added to her frustration and depression. They haven't had classes since Monday due to the weather so that's helped as well. She'll be coming home to her mother house this weekend. Hopefully, I can get up there to visit in the next month or so.

Positive thoughts

Fishmanpa

09-02-14, 15:58

So she's home now with her Mom and Mom Mom.... I spoke with her last night and while she sounds down, she also sounds relieved. She said it was really hard to leave all her friends and there were a lot of tears and hugs. She'll be seeing her doctor this week and then her therapist to start sessions. They'll probably put her on meds. She was on Zoloft for a time when she was 15 or so and then they gave it to her again over the Christmas break but it didn't help. They'll have to try another SSRI to help get her stabilized.

I've been staying in touch ans she knows she can call or visit any time she wants.

Thanks again for all the kind words and encouragement.

Positive thoughts

Rennie1989

09-02-14, 17:03

Great to her that she is on the mend, that must make you feel a lot better.

TooMuchToLiveFor

08-03-14, 01:07

How is your daughter doing, FMP?

Fishmanpa

08-03-14, 01:17

Thanks for asking Too Much....

I would say she's doing "fair". She started therapy and seems to be Ok.... I know her doc spoke to her about meds. She had been on Zoloft in the past and they put her back on it over Christmas time but it didn't do much. They're discussing a different med but I don't know if they decided yet. She doesn't "sound" as down as she did a few weeks ago and she said she's not as anxious as she doesn't have school to worry about. I spoke to her a couple of days ago and will give her a call this weekend.

Positive thoughts

TooMuchToLiveFor

08-03-14, 01:20

Glad to hear there has been some improvement……hoping she has a really good doctor to guide her. Makes such a huge difference!

Fishmanpa

12-03-14, 23:48

UPDATE: I've been speaking with my daughter on a regular basis and I just got off the phone with her and I have to say she sounds great! :) She's been seeing a psychiatrist who put her on Lexapro and gave her a script for Xanax for the rough spots.

We spoke about the Xanax and she's only used it a couple of times but overall, the Lexapro is working and she said she's feeling much better.

She takes her driving test in a couple of weeks which will give her some much needed freedom and confidence. I know she'll pass ;) We spoke about joining a anxiety sufferers group and she's already ahead of me. Interestingly, she said that while meeting people and sharing experiences will be beneficial in knowing she's not alone in her struggle, she doesn't want to come to depend on reassurance and it's not healthy and that she needs to rely on herself to recover. I asked her where she heard this and she said "nowhere, it's just common sense". I love this kid! She's got this totally! :)

Positive thoughts

Catherine S

12-03-14, 23:57

Fishmanpa

13-03-14, 00:04

Great positive thread Fishmanpa....see, I'm learning :D She sounds like a great person. I have two daughters, one is strong and breezes through life, while the other struggles. I'm not much of a role model having my own anxieties, but we bimble through best we can and I'm proud of them both. These young women are certainly a credit to us.

:yesyes: I'm very blessed to have two kids that have done well despite their parents failings and efforts to thwart that ~lol~... Kidding but serious at the same time ;) You can read every book under the sun concerning parenting and you still end up flying by the seat of your pants!

Positive thoughts

Dying_Swan

13-03-14, 00:20

I've just read through this thread and think how lucky your daughter is to have you for her Dad. I'm so pleased to hear that she's feeling so much better, and is clearly very sensible and strong. I hope she continues to progress well, and I'm sure she will :)