Hi Guys

[cpe1978]

Hi Everyone

I hope you are all ok.

I pop by occasionally nowadays, but am trying not to spend too much time posting as I dont think it helps me that much. My goal is to get to a point where I am sufficiently anxiety free to be able to come back and share any small pearls of wisdom on here with you fine folk!

For the most part I am doing ok. Certainly compared to a few months ago I am flying. I had a dodgy weekend last weekend which just showed me how close to the surface anxiety can be.

I just cannot figure out how to get my brain working normally again. So to give you an example. I have a GPs appointment on Wednesday morning. Quite legitimate, have had a sensation of something being trapped under my ribs on and off for some time. Not overly concerned by it, accept that it is probably a muscle, but just think that I should go and get her to prod about a bit. But then something strange happens.......my brain doesnt relax, it goes looking for problems!

So the other evening I was looking in the mirror and thought, 'gosh, my eyes look dark in the corners'. Then that was it, it was all i could think about. Is that normal? Are they always like that? What could be the cause? Should I speak to the Dr? Is it related to my tinily elevated liver test when I went before? etc etc etc. (those questions are all rhetorical by the way). And so the cycle begins, not in my case any longer of panicky reactions, but more just in a relentless grind of circulating thoughts to the point where it would almost be normal to have an issue.

Now dont get me wrong, I can well imagine that when I go to the GP on Wednesday (and now having noticed this, I feel compelled to mention it), she will most likely say:

1) You're not as young as you used to be you know (36)
2) Do you have allergies? (Yes I do)
3) Do you spend your whole day staring at a computer screen trying to figure out how to improve the NHS and relentlessly rubbing your eyes (Perhaps???)

But my head doesnt accept that process.

There isnt really a point to this post other than to try and articulate the racing thoughts in my head. I also know that some people in the past have beaten themselves up by not being able to make as much progress as others (my name has occasionally been cited), and I just want to say that even though I have made great progress, I do still on occasion struggle.

I also had a fascinating email exchange with a woman from the US a few days ago and we were talking about how most conventional psychological therapies get you from not coping, to coping and that on a scale of say -10 to +10 they take you from -10 to say 0. I want to start pushing into positive figures and I wonder whether there is space to have a discussion of that ilk on here?

As I say - hope you are all well.

[Tanner40]

Hey there, Chris. I understand exactly what you're going through. A new symptom this morning is pushing me to the relentless questioning that I thought I was past. I think blips are inevitable for all of us.
I think that this is a great conversation to have. I agree with going from - 10 to 0. I want to be at a positive 10. I will settle for a 5 at the moment. I think part of the issue is we get to the zero scale and stop practicing many of the tools that had taken up much of our time in recovering. Perseverance is the key and possibly finding new ways to retrain our brains.

[flossy74]

Hi
I found this really interesting, I have periods of doing really well then some thing peeks out and off I go into panic mode. This time it's a small swollen lymph node!! My Dr said don't worry if it hasn't gone down in a couple of weeks come back.
Now I am imagining all sorts, but positively I am not googling or prodding, so I suppose on the scale I am a -2?
I am aiming for a +7/8 and hopefully I am on my way.
I suppose for me I expected my recovery one I started counselling to be quick if not miraculous but I know that is unrealistic, after all it took me a while to get into this mess so it will probably take a while to climb out of the hole.
It's nice to focus on the mechanisms and tools useful for recovery!!
I am finding the cbt helpful and although I am staying off all the symptom posts here I find the steps to fighting the Dragon ones helpful and inspiring!
Hopefully we can all keep helping each other find away to get into positive numbers. :)

[cpe1978]

I think that is the only way Flossy. Also Tanner it did make me smile when you and I posted something quite similar simultaneously - our journeys are on quite similar timeframes :)

I think I am with you Flossy in so much as I too am trying to stay of the symptoms posts, as all too often they progress into negative reinforcement. I do think though that it is a shame that when there are posts about how to recover from anxiety that they quickly drop down the pages, whereas a good old poo thread can run and run. (Pardon the poo pun)

[flossy74]

I agree, I think what I need at the moment is support and inspiration to move away from seeking reassurance and here it's too easy to do that and also I find out about diseases I had no idea existed, which isn't healthy for me right now.
I want to focus on the steps to recovery and if possible support others to do the same.
:)

[Fishmanpa]

Good to hear from you CP...

Seems like you're doing well despite the blip now and again. We all have our blips depending on our situation. Keep up the good work, you really have made some amazing progress.... Ohhh and don't be getting down on the "good 'ol poo threads".... They're the best! ~lol~

Positive thoughts

[cpe1978]

Hi Fishmanpa,

Thanks - yes in the main it is all good. I view this very much as a journey and not an absolute. In the broader scheme of things that journey is moving in the right direction. Just having a period of stagnation on that journey I think and feeling a bit deflated about it.......but presuming when I go to the GP on Wednesday they dont day anything other than my mind is falling apart then if I look back six months, my life is much much better.

I will find a day when i dont think about my health at all!!

[saab]

You get good at what you practise, and we have practised worrying for a long time. I can think logically about my palpitations and accept they aren't harmful WHEN I DON'T HAVE THEM. When I have them a lot, like the last few days, logic goes out of the window and I go back to thinking they will kill me.

Retraining your mind is a tricky process. I do my cbt exercises, I read thru printouts I have made from cardiology websites that reassure me, I do my meditation. It all helps, but nothing works as well as not having them. I think you just have to keep chipping away at the anxiety and realise that there is no magic wand, just a combination of strategies to work with. I think mine is made worse by knowing that I do have an arrythmia, and that even though I am told it is harmless, it is still real, not imagined.