The mole worry is back again

[Neen]

Well

I haven't been on this website since June last year. I actually haven't had a full on panic attack since 2010. I've had anxiety on and off. Near misses; however have managed to control them.

But....... I found a mole on my left little toe, on the inside, on the left too. I have gone into panic mode. Dr Google death helped make matters worse. The thing is, I work in a hospital. I am a Maxillo Facial Nurse and see head and neck cancer on a regular basis. I have shown 3 consultants so far. I will show another tomorrow and have him march me up to dermatology.

The consultants I have shown are marvelous cancer surgeons; however I have had no reassurance from them. I have it in my head. Premature death scares the hell out of me. I start going over and over in my brain all the stupid decisions I've made over my 30 years on this earth. Arguments and nasty things I've said to my beautiful, wonderful husband. I want a family.

I am so, so scared this is melanoma. I'm so anxious. I only had 15 mins for lunch today, as I wanted to just keep working. Keep my brain occupied. I just can't think about anything else. I am so worried that it is skin cancer. I can't remember ever seeing this mole before. It's definitely new. I used sunbirds and was an avail sun worshiper when I was younger. From around 20-24. Not to mention the times I got burnt as a child. I can't remember my parents ever putting sunscreen on me.

I don't know who else to speak to. My husband is good and goes mad at me when I'm "googling" I think because I have to remain strong for my patients. I don't practice what I preach. Neither am I believing my own work colleagues. As far as I'm concerned the odds are stacked against me.

I worry about being told bad news. I worry about funeral arrangements. I worry about how my husband will cope. I was crying on the way home from work, whilst driving, mourning my own death. FFS. I just can't shift this thought process. I want to be old before I die. Not this age. I'm a so freaked out right now.

Please, somebody talk to me

[Andrash]

I'll talk to you.

You are obviously worrying about a mole more than James Jesus Angleton ever did. This is really an obsession. MOLES DON'T KILL. Melanomas do, but also very rarely.

Secondly-I'm really in a bind here how to help you. You ask reassurance, but if three renowned cancer specialist weren't able to reassure you, I honestly question my ability to do it. I can tell you what I know, with 100% certainty-you don't have melanoma. Your cancer is of a completely different variety-it's called anxietioma multiforme. It doesn't kill, but it makes your mind a mess. Being a nurse, you are even more prone to onsets of that cancer-it's common, scientifically proven knowledge that people working in health department (nurses, medical students etc) often have this. Now, I'm telling you the facts-I don't know whether you'll believe me. I honestly hope you will. :)

But, regardless of what you think, I can tell you what to do, and what not to do.

To do list:

-CBT. There's a free course here.
-Counselling. As you work as a nurse, it'll be easy for you to find a good psychologist who can help you fight anxiety. Remember, even if you're seriously ill (which you aren't)-eliminating anxiety will still help you. Therefore, tackle it! :)
-Activity. That part you're doing right. Keep your body and your mind occupied. Idle mind is a devil's workshop.

What NOT to do:

-Googling. Your husband is right. Google persuaded me I have following diseases: Nasal cancer, brain cancer, jaw cancer, oesophageal cancer, pancreatic cancer, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, throat cancer, melanoma (yes, I went through the angletonean period too :) ). I still fear some of these from time to time. Therefore, stay out of it! Stay out of it! Stay out of it! :)

-Self-checking. If you constantly self-check you, you'll sooner or later find something YOU THINK it's wrong, and there you go again into the vicious cycle. Therefore-no self checking.

Firstly, try to get some sleep tonight. Then, when you wake up, try to think logically. Try to think as it's not about yourself but about another person. Let's say a patient in the clinic. Try to picture yourself the odds of three full qualified renowned cancer specialists missing cancer. You'll find these odds very,very favourable. I'd be more than happy to bet everything I have on these odds :)

Hope I helped you, and don't be insulted from the jokes :)

[Neen]

Thank you - for your kind words. It means at great deal.

It feels different this time. I don't know how to explain it. One minute I'll retreat back, to how I used to be - then my fighting instinct kicks in and I will think rationally. The consultant that I would listen too most out of all of them, was the one who said "it is a bit dark, I would keep an eye on it" so of; that's "bad news"

It is very depressing sometimes, working where I do; however if I really think about it we see more happy endings, then bad endings.

My mother had melanoma. On her face. She is still with us! My parents are both "moley" people. Then with my past - the tanning booths and the sunny holidays; I do feel the odds are against me. I didn't care back then. I was far too concerned with "looking good" what a load of shallow BS. What an idiot. I should of know better. But then again, the ignorance I had never left me in the states I get into now!

You are so right, with regards to keeping busy. Idle mind is a devils workshop. Indeed it is.

I have had counselling and a couple of CBT sessions. I honestly cracked it. With just a few anxious moments here and there. Stopped checking my moles and really found a happy place. The bang. Found this wee mole. Just on the off chance. Painting my toenails! I thought it was fluff at first! Tried to pick it off and then realised it was a mole.

What was the first thing I done??? Googled "mole on toe" every thread was melanoma. It's always melanoma with me. Does me in. Because my mother had it. I am doomed. Worry is such a waste of time. Even if it is skin cancer, worry won't change anything will it? What will be will be. Count myself lucky to have medical friends I guess. I just feel so strongly. It's new. It's in a "suspicious" site and my history.......

Health anxiety sucks. But it's always reassuring that others feel the same as I do. I am not the only one who is going mad. The mind is such a powerful tool. Amazing what it can cook up. A storm mostly.

Thanks once again. I really appreciate it. Love the Margaret Thatcher quote too!

Nina

[Andrash]

Not at all, you're very welcome. As I always say-next time it'll be you helping me calm my anxiety :)

It's interesting, how we did all these things before our anxiety. We enjoyed the sun, the nature, the food-without thinking about harms that these can cause to our bodies. Now we know more but still, maybe we know less. :) I mean, it's certainly not advisable to go to solarium every day, smoke 20 cigarettes a day or eat only fast food-but a good 2-3 hours in the sunshine, a good occasional stake or bacon sandwich or scotch-it cannot hurt, believe me, only help. :) We should be careful about our health, of course-but we should also live our lives to the fullest, as we only have one, unfortunately. :)

I am really sorry about your mum's melanoma, but you have first hand experience-IT IS BEATABLE. So, you have two rules to observe there. First-don't fear what you don't have. Second-don't fear what you can beat. :) Easy enough? ;)

You have medical experience, you're doing CBT and counselling and your rational part is already telling you it's all anxiety. I am not a psychologist, but I daresay you're already on a path to recovery and considerable reduction of your anxiety and stress levels. Just refrain from feeding the anxiety with googling, worrying and constant molehunts (like Mr Angleton did :) ), and everything will be fine.

Always have been a (21st Century) Thatcherite and have found her ideas, deeds and quotes very inspiring.

Sending you a virtual hug from Germany,

A

P.S. for all those not familiar with Angleton issue, here the explanation: :) Always found his story interesting. It's not about health anxiety, but it is about anxiety and how anxiety, when fed constantly, can grow into paranoia and twist a brilliant mind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Jesus_Angleton

[Jonesle]

I've always had a good few moles too, the one im suddenly concerned about for as long as i can remember. but on super close examination i noticed little black bits in it. how long had they been there?!?!?!!? i took a day off work to go to the doctors and insist i got seen. he looked at it and said its fine.. "are you sure" ... he looked again "totally normal" "DEFINITELY?!" ... he looked again and prodded it "nothing wrong there, has it changed recently?" "i dont know, no.. its always been there" ... im still wondering if he was right or just trying to fob me off. im so scared and anxious. it was HIV last year... even when blood tests came back negative, what if i tested too early?! after unprotected sex?! im such an anxious person, finding life hard :(
sorry that post literally didnt help at all,just so you know you're not alone. not all moles are cancerous, infact most are benign.
hugs x

[Idris]

When I was 22 I went to my doctor terribly worried about a lump that had come up in my thigh. He sent me off for an appointment with the hospitals dermatologist, two months later. She said the lump was a harmless cyst, but said that the large, irregular edged, multi shaded, raised, itchy new mole I'd got 6 inches down from my cyst had to come off there and then for biopsy!! I had never added the mole to my worry list!

A few days later I was told it was malignant melanoma and was immediately back in hospital having a lot of surrounding skin removed, ending up with a big dent and a 5 inch scar on my thigh.

During the regular check ups I had over the next year the doctors removed a number of my (harmless) moles, mainly for my reassurance, including one that sounds just like yours between my toes.

If your doctors think your mole looks ok, but you don't believe them, then see a doctor who will remove it. Have it analysed, get your result, then get back on with your life.

Even if your worst fear came true (which I feel confident it won't), melanoma isn't a death sentence! Here I am, pale and interesting nearly 30 years later :-)