View Full Version : please someone help me i'm so terrified of cancer and dying
Hi,
I'm at the end of my tether and really really could use some advice.
I am petrified of cancer or other serious illnesses and ultimately death. I can't remember when or even why it all started but gradually over the past 2 years I have become more and more worried about having cancer, I feel as if I am in pain all the time and I am just convinced I have cancer (I suffer chest pains with thundering jumpy heart beat / palpatations and shooting pain in my left arm all the time and also feel convinced I am going to have a heart attack or stroke) I worry about other illnesses as well but I fixate on cancer and have at some point or another diagnosed myself with every cancer you could think of, I have been to the doctors but of course I am told I am fine and that it is anxiety.
My trouble is this, I just cannot accept this and my fear is now taking over my life it's not an occasional thought anymore it feels like a continuous thought where not a minute passes where I am not thinking about dying. I cry everyday as I am terrified of not being there for my daughters, I make plans of all the things I would need to teach their dad like how to do their hair, and choose their clothes and letters I would need to write to them.
I am worrying that I have cancer that is spreading and getting worse by the day because no one is taking me seriously and by the time they all realise I was right it will be too late... When I am feeling 'rational' I tell myself this is a phobia but even then, even as I write this I am thinking to myself what if it's not, what if i'm right?
Its reached the point where I have to change the channel if a cancer related advert comes on the tv, I stop watching a favourite show or movie if the storyline become cancer beased, I've been halfway through books and have to stop reading them if a character develops cancer, I can't bare to even hear the word or hear someone speak of it. I am constantly on google checking symptoms and getting myself worked up into such a state, I feel affraid to be happy, or relax because I don't want to tempt fate, I cant look forward to something like a family holiday or birthday or christmas because I am always convinced I wont live long enough to go...
I'm not living anymore the anxiety is seeping out into other areas of my life i've lost all my self confidence, I have an extremely low opinion of myself, simple things like cooking a meal now totally overwhelm me, I feel paranoid, useless, ugly and stupid and very depressed I'm convinced my partner is going to cheat on me and leave me because of the way I am, and I am so terrified of being alone ... I don't know what to do I just want to be the old happy go lucky me again and I feel like she is lost forever and I will never stop being like this please can someone help
steph xxx
Hi,
I'm at the end of my tether and really really could use some advice.
I am petrified of cancer or other serious illnesses and ultimately death. I can't remember when or even why it all started but gradually over the past 2 years I have become more and more worried about having cancer, I feel as if I am in pain all the time and I am just convinced I have cancer (I suffer chest pains with thundering jumpy heart beat / palpatations and shooting pain in my left arm all the time and also feel convinced I am going to have a heart attack or stroke) I worry about other illnesses as well but I fixate on cancer and have at some point or another diagnosed myself with every cancer you could think of, I have been to the doctors but of course I am told I am fine and that it is anxiety.
My trouble is this, I just cannot accept this and my fear is now taking over my life it's not an occasional thought anymore it feels like a continuous thought where not a minute passes where I am not thinking about dying. I cry everyday as I am terrified of not being there for my daughters, I make plans of all the things I would need to teach their dad like how to do there hair, and choose their clothes and letters I would need to write to them.
I am worrying that I have cancer that is spreading and getting worse by the day because no one is taking me seriously and by the time they all realise I was right it will be too late... When I am feeling 'rational' I tell myself this is a phobia but even then, even as I write this I am thinking to myself what if it's not, what if i'm right?
Its reached the point where I have to change the channel if a cancer related advert comes on the tv, I stop watching a favourite show or movie if the storyline become cancer beased, I've been halfway through books and have to stop reading them if a character develops cancer, I can't bare to even hear the word or hear someone speak of it. I am constantly on google checking symptoms and getting myself worked up into such a state, I feel affraid to be happy, or relax because I don't want to tempt fate, I cant look forward to something like a family holiday or birthday or christmas because I am always convinced I wont live long enough to go...
I'm not living anymore the anxiety is seeping out into other areas of my life i've lost all my self confidence, I have an extremely low opinion of myself, simple things like cooking a meal now totally overwhelm me, I feel paranoid, useless, ugly and stupid and very depressed I'm convinced my partner is going to cheat on me and leave me because of the way I am, and I am so terrified of being alone ... I don't know what to do I just want to be the old happy go lucky me again and I feel like she is lost forever and I will never stop being like this please can someone help
steph xxx
Hi Steph,
Two months ago I was at the exact same spot you're now. I was terrified of every cancer in the book and convinced that I have one. Brain cancer, nasal cancer, bone cancer, pancreatic cancer, oesophageal cancer...you name it. But this forum really helped me a lot so welcome here!
Firstly, there's an free online CBT course available here. The admin of the forum-NoMorePanic is her nickname, posted it, search it and you'll find it. Start doing that as soon as possible.
One member of this forum also advised me to start counselling with a therapist-I took her advice and did that. I wholeheartedly advise you to do that too. It really helps. I'm still not cured now-it's a long road. But I'm definitely better, and I am doing something about it, and I feel very good when I know I'm fighting the beast instead of letting it consume my mind and body.
Anxiety is an illness, just like cancer. It should be treated, and the sooner you start, the better. As for cancer, remember-if you had untreated cancer for two years, you'd be six feet under now.
Come here whenever you want to vent, seek advice or plainly talk about anxiety problems-we're nice friendly folks here :)
Hi Steph,
I too have quite a few fears, paranoia & a general fear of dying!
I don't know what to tell you, Cancer is scary & very real yes, but I think you need to look at your life more day by day & be grateful for what you have today & what you have achieved in your life (easier said than done I know!)
Is that you are afraid that you won't have achieved everything you want to do in your life? Why not focus all that energy on something you DO want to do with your life?
We need to stop being so harsh on ourselves - we can't change the future as we don't know what is to come - noone can know what is waiting for them round the corner, you just have to enjoy the now! It's the unknown that can be scary I know, but think of all the great things in your life!
You also need to think of the facts as well, remember we live in a society today that is much more aware of Cancer & equipped to deal with it. Regular testing & screening is in place. I know several people who have had cancer & a lot of them are still alive today!
All you can do is keep yourself healthy, exercise regularly, RELAX! (again easier said than done I know) but seriously get regular massages, do yoga, meditate - these things will help you relax, appreciate the life you do have and even fill your time to forget your worrying! They will also aid your sleep. I think you should also consider seeing a counsellor too, if you are not already, to discuss your fears - it helps to talk through them.
Good luck!
xxx
Everything you've said I identify with , it's an awful scared feeling and I wish I could get rid of it ........ Good luck x
Hi Steph,
You sound like me, I also stop watching things if there is a cancer story line, one of my favorite soaps is home abv away and there was a story line of a young guy called Romeo who ended up finding out he had melonoma from a routine check, and itwas to advanced and it was terminal, since then my melonoma fear has.been worse than ever, I'm sure in a few months times I would have forgot about it anvd moved onto something else, like I always do.
X
I really can't blame you for your fear. Cancer indeed sucks big time. BUT, it's not a death sentence and unless you're engaging in behaviors that are known to give you cancer (smoking for one!), your chances are better to be hit by lightning or in an auto accident than getting cancer.
Take from a survivor... I know ;) Best to seek therapy, CBT, meds or a combination thereof to get the Dragon under control. Life is much too short to live it worrying about dying.
Positive thoughts
This site is amazing, you guys have all given me hope, and just knowing that i'm not the only one who feels like this has helped too, until now it has been such a lonely experience xxx
Hi Steph you wrote that as if you standing in my shoes ! I feel EXACTLY the same way so I do fully understand how it is. Its not nice. I do go through short periods of time when I'm not so bad but 95% of the time I'm suffering with it. Did you find the the CBT article mentioned above? I've not found it yet so maybe someone can post a link to it?
Here you go!
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=131665
Positive thoughts
Hi,
I'm at the end of my tether and really really could use some advice.
I am petrified of cancer or other serious illnesses and ultimately death. I can't remember when or even why it all started but gradually over the past 2 years I have become more and more worried about having cancer, I feel as if I am in pain all the time and I am just convinced I have cancer (I suffer chest pains with thundering jumpy heart beat / palpatations and shooting pain in my left arm all the time and also feel convinced I am going to have a heart attack or stroke) I worry about other illnesses as well but I fixate on cancer and have at some point or another diagnosed myself with every cancer you could think of, I have been to the doctors but of course I am told I am fine and that it is anxiety.
My trouble is this, I just cannot accept this and my fear is now taking over my life it's not an occasional thought anymore it feels like a continuous thought where not a minute passes where I am not thinking about dying. I cry everyday as I am terrified of not being there for my daughters, I make plans of all the things I would need to teach their dad like how to do their hair, and choose their clothes and letters I would need to write to them.
I am worrying that I have cancer that is spreading and getting worse by the day because no one is taking me seriously and by the time they all realise I was right it will be too late... When I am feeling 'rational' I tell myself this is a phobia but even then, even as I write this I am thinking to myself what if it's not, what if i'm right?
Its reached the point where I have to change the channel if a cancer related advert comes on the tv, I stop watching a favourite show or movie if the storyline become cancer beased, I've been halfway through books and have to stop reading them if a character develops cancer, I can't bare to even hear the word or hear someone speak of it. I am constantly on google checking symptoms and getting myself worked up into such a state, I feel affraid to be happy, or relax because I don't want to tempt fate, I cant look forward to something like a family holiday or birthday or christmas because I am always convinced I wont live long enough to go...
I'm not living anymore the anxiety is seeping out into other areas of my life i've lost all my self confidence, I have an extremely low opinion of myself, simple things like cooking a meal now totally overwhelm me, I feel paranoid, useless, ugly and stupid and very depressed I'm convinced my partner is going to cheat on me and leave me because of the way I am, and I am so terrified of being alone ... I don't know what to do I just want to be the old happy go lucky me again and I feel like she is lost forever and I will never stop being like this please can someone help
steph xxx
This post made me cry.
I was so overcome with emotion because it was like reading a story of me 2 years ago.
I had a lump in my throat when I swallowed and I convinced my self it was cancer. The drs dismissed me and from then on it was like someone had flicked a switch in my mind and i became completely consumed by the idea that i had cancer.
Id spend days in bed feeling sick with grief 'knowing' i was going to die because no one would take me seriously.
My family told me to stop being stupid.
One day I just broke down completely an asked my mum if she wanted me to sort my room out so that when I died she didnt have to go through my things and be even more upset.
I broke down to my boyfriend and told him i was dying and that it was ok for him to move on even though in my mind i was thinking thoughts such as 'i hope theres no afterlife because i couldnt bare to see him with anyone else' or thinking of seeing my family upset or the thought of being round them but them not knowing was torture to my soul.
Eventually it completely consumed me and I went from throat cancer to it spreading to my brain and anywhere else it could have. I would fixate on things id heard. I remembered watching a drama and this woman had a brain tumour and she could smell rubber all the time.. I was in bed one night and i could smell burning rubber. I immediately panicked. Feeling sick. Crying. A dull ache in my chest.. It was confirmed to me i had a brain tumour... Completely irrational. Considering when I was sat in bed smelling rubber I was cuddle up tona brand new water bottle... Made of RUBBER!!! (I can laugh about it now)
I stopped watching tv it seemed cancer was everywhere even turned adverts off. If anyone mentioned cancer id lash out n avoid the convo.
I dropped some money off at the local hospice for my mum who did a sponsored walk for them.. I looked around and my mind told me id be in there soon.
It was like someone was inside my head filling me with negative poison.
After probably 8 months of lockin myself away obsessively feeling and counting my pulse and googling 'normal heart rates' i ended up having a massive attack at uni where i really did feel i was dying. The room zoned out i couldnt see. My heart was out of control. I walked out of my exam and my friend took my to the drs. He put me on beta blockers but they made me worse. Eventually i ended up on citalopram. The best decision of my life, i dunno y i fought it for so long.
Im wanting to come off it now as i feel its dulling me down a bit now after 1 1/2 yrs on it. I noticed just feeling lighter and springier at first when walking to uni. Then i realised i wasnt walking looking at the ground. Then i noticed everything was quieter. I wasnt constantly on at my self my mind going at 500 mph.
There is light at the other end. I never believed there could be though.
One thing that will never leave me is the relief of my mum.. We spoke on the phone every day while i was at uni.. She said to me she could hear katie in my voice again. And whenever i have a bad time and i eventually let it out she reminds me of how far ive come. Then i think back over the nights i spent on my sofa sobbing to my self wondering what people would say at my funeral or what id say at my loved ones.
Stay strong and seek medical help. I still have days but they are so rare now and MUCH less intense i cant even tell you.
Thank you for posting your story. Its encouraged me to open up about mine and hopefully it will touch someone as yours has me. Its helped me to reflect on how far ive come and put me back in touch with reality just when I needed it.
XxxxX
cut_out_stars
06-02-14, 11:26
Hi Steph (good name by the way, I'm also a Steph B!)
This post really struck a chord with me, like a few other people have said.. It feels as if I could have written it myself (in fact I did write a similar post this morning)
I am currently going through everything you have mentioned and I sympathize so much, are you getting any help from your Dr'? like CBT or meds?
I'm sending lots of love and good luck vibes your way, if you need to chat you can always PM me :)
xo
I hear you. I am terrified of breast cancer, bowel cancer, throat cancer, any cancer! The fear is really debilitating isn't it?
Any twinge of pain I feel, I'm poking and prodding, looking for lumps and things :/.
hi I have to laugh and agree at KatieLM's comment the amount of times ive had symptoms that have freaked me out filling me full of adrenaline/fear fuelling another weeks worth of anxiety then Ive looked back and thought what the hell was I thinking but it wasnt funny at the time as we know
go and enjoy time with your children Ive wasted so much time since my trauma thinking todays gonna be the day everyday and ofcourse Im still here
rgds
kris
This post made me cry.
I was so overcome with emotion because it was like reading a story of me 2 years ago.
I had a lump in my throat when I swallowed and I convinced my self it was cancer. The drs dismissed me and from then on it was like someone had flicked a switch in my mind and i became completely consumed by the idea that i had cancer.
Id spend days in bed feeling sick with grief 'knowing' i was going to die because no one would take me seriously.
My family told me to stop being stupid.
One day I just broke down completely an asked my mum if she wanted me to sort my room out so that when I died she didnt have to go through my things and be even more upset.
I broke down to my boyfriend and told him i was dying and that it was ok for him to move on even though in my mind i was thinking thoughts such as 'i hope theres no afterlife because i couldnt bare to see him with anyone else' or thinking of seeing my family upset or the thought of being round them but them not knowing was torture to my soul.
Eventually it completely consumed me and I went from throat cancer to it spreading to my brain and anywhere else it could have. I would fixate on things id heard. I remembered watching a drama and this woman had a brain tumour and she could smell rubber all the time.. I was in bed one night and i could smell burning rubber. I immediately panicked. Feeling sick. Crying. A dull ache in my chest.. It was confirmed to me i had a brain tumour... Completely irrational. Considering when I was sat in bed smelling rubber I was cuddle up tona brand new water bottle... Made of RUBBER!!! (I can laugh about it now)
I stopped watching tv it seemed cancer was everywhere even turned adverts off. If anyone mentioned cancer id lash out n avoid the convo.
I dropped some money off at the local hospice for my mum who did a sponsored walk for them.. I looked around and my mind told me id be in there soon.
It was like someone was inside my head filling me with negative poison.
After probably 8 months of lockin myself away obsessively feeling and counting my pulse and googling 'normal heart rates' i ended up having a massive attack at uni where i really did feel i was dying. The room zoned out i couldnt see. My heart was out of control. I walked out of my exam and my friend took my to the drs. He put me on beta blockers but they made me worse. Eventually i ended up on citalopram. The best decision of my life, i dunno y i fought it for so long.
Im wanting to come off it now as i feel its dulling me down a bit now after 1 1/2 yrs on it. I noticed just feeling lighter and springier at first when walking to uni. Then i realised i wasnt walking looking at the ground. Then i noticed everything was quieter. I wasnt constantly on at my self my mind going at 500 mph.
There is light at the other end. I never believed there could be though.
One thing that will never leave me is the relief of my mum.. We spoke on the phone every day while i was at uni.. She said to me she could hear katie in my voice again. And whenever i have a bad time and i eventually let it out she reminds me of how far ive come. Then i think back over the nights i spent on my sofa sobbing to my self wondering what people would say at my funeral or what id say at my loved ones.
Stay strong and seek medical help. I still have days but they are so rare now and MUCH less intense i cant even tell you.
Thank you for posting your story. Its encouraged me to open up about mine and hopefully it will touch someone as yours has me. Its helped me to reflect on how far ive come and put me back in touch with reality just when I needed it.
XxxxX
I've just cried my eyes out reading this, I can't thank you enough for this post I really truly can't! The only person i've opened up is my partner and that was very recently. I just can't believe I'll ever feel better but your story has finally given me hope because everything you have written has been like a check list for my life, especially the pulse checking :( I feel like i'm going crazy :(
can you tell me more about the medication? I have been so against taking any drugs but now this is turning into depression and I'm getting scared of how miserable I feel, thank god for my amazing little girls without them I wouldnt get out of bed! I'm 30 in a couple of months and I really want to have some kind of grip on this before then!
Lots of love Steph xxxxx
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