how long will i stay stuck in this rut?

[scaredycat2001]

hi, ive had problems with anxiety, depression and panic attacks since i was 10 years old although none of this was properly diagnosed until a couple of years ago when i completely lost the plot. before that i had kept my problems hidden thinking i was just a crap, useless human being.
to cut a long and very dull story short i now find myself stuck in a rut. im home all day but spend most of it asleep, half the reason i don't go outside is cos i just cant be bothered to get up, washed and ready and our home looks like something off how clean is your house, which scares the life out of me cos of all those nasty germs just waiting to get me!
i would dearly love to wake up one day and find i can take on normal life but i find the simplest things completely overwhelming and can't seem to find the motivation. even before i got really ill i used to struggle to cope with everyday life and now its just ridiculous!
even things i love doing ,like my garden, i now can't sum up the energy to do and of course it doesnt help that im afraid to be seen outside in case someone talks to me or even just judges me.
i have an awful lot in my life to be grateful for and know that the problem is me not the world.
i used to think "just give it time and things will improve" but it's been 2 years now and i feel i need to do something instead of waiting for it to happen by itself.of course this is all complicated further by the fear of going outside, social anxiety etc.
im now totally fed up with this (as are my kids-my daughter has now moved to her dads) and am beginning to feel like i'm going to be stuck like this forever. i can't bear the thought that this will my childrens memories-never going out, mum asleep and smelly etc. what sort of life is that for them?
anyone got any ideas or magic wands?
thanks for reading this

scaredycat :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

[Sue K with 5]

Cat if I had a magic wand I would wave it for many people on this site, especially those who have children and cant get out. All i can say is have a little faith in yourself, take one step at a time. I got to a stage where i was crawling on my hands and knees some days just to make my bed, I would get as far as the sofa and not be able to move.

You need to go a little easier on yourself, rome was not built in a day and neither was the cure for anxiety, some of us are still not cured but we know it can get better,

I am not sure of the answer but I do know you have to look deep inside yourself for some of the answers,

Dont let this eat you up, keep fighting it honey please for your sake you deserve better than this


Hugs for now



sue

scknight

[manmoor]

Hey Cat,

Hang in there hun and as Sue says keep fighting. xxx


Take Care

Mandyxx

[ceecee]

hi cat
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
i know its really hard to believe theres any light at the end of that long black tunnel,but ther is an when you come out the other side you will be stronger person for it!!!!!!
take care hun
things will get better
rach x

[yorkylover]

Hi cat,stay strong pet,take a day at a time.Are you on any meds?

Ellen XX

[scaredycat2001]

thanks for your replies and yes ellen ive been on 60mg fluoxetine for 2yrs.thanks again.
scaredycat

[breakingoutthistime]

The answers lie within its easy to get annoyed with the World but it has to come from within.
Stay positive and dont let other people make u feel u dont derserve what u want ever!

[chalky]

Hi Cat,

Your Post seems to suggest that you have hit rock-bottom.
Well,the only way is up!!!!
One day at a time,you can and will get over this-think of how much strength it has actually taken to cope with life so far.
Try to do one thing,e.g. clean one room,per day.Pretty soon,things will change.
Work at this and you will succeed!!!!
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
Best wishes,
Chalky

[domino]

yOu need to get motivated, i agree with chalky. Make tomorrow the day things start to change, MAKE THAT CHANGE.

[Yvonne]

Cat,

Yes you do have to get doing stuff gradually - the way you feel you wouldn't be expected to get up one morning and spring clean the whole house.

Depression is awful and I have hit a little low myself. I just went on new meds 3 weeks ago and they haven't kicked in yet.

Also when you suffer anxiety and you can't make yourself go and do all this stuff that is meant to "pick us up" then what the hell can you do. I couldn't go and join a gym or go to some women's group or start yoga. I just could not do that alone - and I don't have any friends here so its just not as easy as people may think to "lift" yourself out of th is thing.

I see you have been on Prozac for a couple of years - good dosage as well. I wonder if the med has lost its' power - has it pooped out? Did the med work better in the beginning? If so then it may well have lost its efficacy for you and maybe a change of med is required.

It is like being stuck in a rut and it is all very soul destroying but the one thing we must not do is give up hope. Tomorrow is another day and I will do a little of what I can. That is the only way I'm sure.

Take good carexxxxx

[Allye]

Hi

Sorry to hear you are so low at the moment. I have recently had depression (the meds are now starting to kick in) and know how hard it is to motivate yourself. It is much much easier to stay in bed all day. As other people have said, routine is important when are you depressed, however hard it is. My CBT therapist agrees. It is also important that you tackle any job in very small steps and then reward yourself.

I found it extremely difficult to get out of bed and like you would find it much easier to pull the duvet over and stay where I was. I could sleep all day and then be up half the night. The hardest thing ever is coming into work, however I congratulate myself every day that I have done it. Similarly I remember to congratulate myself every time I take a small step such as going to the local shop, or putting some washing in the washing machine.

It may also be that your meds have lost their effectively - why not ask your dr for a review.

You have identified that it does come from within – that is true, medication can help but it is not the answer, it can mask the symptoms but not the underlying issues. Good luck!!

[beginners mind]

hi, ive had problems with anxiety, depression and panic attacks since i was 10 years old although none of this was properly diagnosed until a couple of years ago when i completely lost the plot. before that i had kept my problems hidden thinking i was just a crap, useless human being.
to cut a long and very dull story short i now find myself stuck in a rut. im home all day but spend most of it asleep, half the reason i don't go outside is cos i just cant be bothered to get up, washed and ready and our home looks like something off how clean is your house, which scares the life out of me cos of all those nasty germs just waiting to get me!
i would dearly love to wake up one day and find i can take on normal life but i find the simplest things completely overwhelming and can't seem to find the motivation. even before i got really ill i used to struggle to cope with everyday life and now its just ridiculous!
even things i love doing ,like my garden, i now can't sum up the energy to do and of course it doesnt help that im afraid to be seen outside in case someone talks to me or even just judges me.
i have an awful lot in my life to be grateful for and know that the problem is me not the world.
i used to think "just give it time and things will improve" but it's been 2 years now and i feel i need to do something instead of waiting for it to happen by itself.of course this is all complicated further by the fear of going outside, social anxiety etc.
im now totally fed up with this (as are my kids-my daughter has now moved to her dads) and am beginning to feel like i'm going to be stuck like this forever. i can't bear the thought that this will my childrens memories-never going out, mum asleep and smelly etc. what sort of life is that for them?
anyone got any ideas or magic wands?
thanks for reading this

scaredycat :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Hi, my name is Lisa and I do understand what you are going through and you have every right to be depressed, just as I was. Is it any wonder when this panic has ripped your life apart? Depression, as you may know is a secondary condition to anxiety. Deal with the anxiety, and the depression will lift any way.

Firstly, are you seeking or have you had any treatment apart from meds such as CBT?

Your life doesn't have to be like this, you can recover, I know because I am.

I will help you if I can, or anyone else if they need it. I only have my own experience........but please remember you deserve to get better and this is not your fault.

[Yvonne]

Lisa, are you on meds yourself.

How did you get where you are now?

That was a very nice post you did and you sound like a caring and kind personxxxx

[margaret911]

Hi Cat
Try not to be so hard on yourself and just take one day at a time. Try and make little goals for yourself, even write them down and tick them off when you have achieved them. For example had a bath and washed my hair, that is an achievement in it self when you are so low. Try and make a little goal for yourself every day and when you have achieved them reward yourself like having a bar of chocolate. I know its hard because I have had these feelings but they can get better and now when I have a depressive spell I keep reminding myself that it wont last. Sending you hugs:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
love Mags xxx

[nomorepanic]

PLEASE NOTE - this post it over a year old now!

Things may have changed

The user has not been online since Dec 2006!

[beginners mind]

Lisa, are you on meds yourself.

How did you get where you are now?

That was a very nice post you did and you sound like a caring and kind personxxxx

Hi Yvonne

No, I am not on medication but it can help us in the beginning when we are totall overwhelmed by anxiety and panic.

I have got to where I am now by deciding that enough is enough and that no one deserves to live in this fear circle so basically what happened first was I changed my attitude to the belief that I can get better.

I then joined "No Panic" and did a telephone recovery course which was free.
I had some psychotherapy to look at my life issues. I have read and read and have really got to understand what anxiety and panic is and that it is not the life threatening thing we think it is, it is just our perception of it.

I also made a commitment to meditate every day which helps me to relax and it helps me to look at my mind and all the scary thoughts that I believe to be true (turns out they aren't)! I really do recommend meditation or a relaxation technique. Some people don't think they work but the reason they don't help is because you have to make time to practice every day and some people don't seem to do this thinking they don't have time but how much time do we waste on this disorder that wrecks our life?

I have just started CBT with a specialist and I hope this will help some more.

There is a lot of help out there but it is up to us to almost demand that information and support from our GP.

I still have a long way to go but now I know I can recover and life is getting better and better every day. Life is getting easier and I am acutally happier now than I was before this disorder took over my life.

This is why it hurts me to see so many people suffer and they blame themselves with the mental abuse but this isn't our fault and if we could just pull ourselves together then we would have done that a long time ago!!!

A book that put my on the road to recovery and basically changed my life is called "Power over Panic" by Bronwyn Fox. This is about a woman who was bedroom bound, depressed and suicidal that broke free through meditation and mindfulness and a lot of hard work.

Basically, we need to put our recovery first, it has to be our number one priority; this isn't selfish, this is being kind and compassionate towards ourselves because if we don't like ourselves then how will we ever break through and get our lives back.

It has taken me a long time to see this. I have had panic disorder and agoraphobia for many, many years and I did nothing about it because I couldn't see a way out then all of a sudden enough was enough - no one was coming to rescue me and it was up to me.

I hope this post as been of some use to you and if you have any questions feel free to ask.

Just remember and believe, we are not alone and we can all recover with hard work, understanding, knowledge and patience.:yahoo:

Lisa

[Yvonne]

Hallo Lisa

Lots of people mention the No Panic and the resources they have like telephone recovery etc. I really must join.

Meditation is good/okayish - I have practised meditation on a daily basis as well - on and off. Jon Kabat Zinn who I am sure you are familiar with. It's the technique of Mindfulness which I have looked into and done extensive reading on the subject. Living in the moment is so not easy is it though.

Meditation although incredibly relaxing is hard...... how on earth can you get your mind to stay focused and not wander off. I am afraid I don't find that easy at all. However, as I say, meditation and concentration on the breathing is an excellent relaxation aid.

Enough is enough indeed. However, when you try and try and just keep getting the same feelings then what do you do? I think this is me. However, I have had a lot of stressors and maybe the stress has not allowed me to completely rise above this thing.

You say we must put our recovery first. I think too much concentration on the subject is what may be keeping us ill - then again I think you may mean something different. By "put our recovery first" I am taking that to mean that we must study books all day, spend lots of time doing relaxation techniques, etc etc. I may have misunderstood you here - cos I personally don't agree with the idea of making this thing too big. Let me know Lisa.

Thanks so much for your reply Lisa it was interesting. I wish you well with the cbt. x

[beginners mind]

Hallo Lisa

Lots of people mention the No Panic and the resources they have like telephone recovery etc. I really must join.

Meditation is good/okayish - I have practised meditation on a daily basis as well - on and off. Jon Kabat Zinn who I am sure you are familiar with. It's the technique of Mindfulness which I have looked into and done extensive reading on the subject. Living in the moment is so not easy is it though.

Meditation although incredibly relaxing is hard...... how on earth can you get your mind to stay focused and not wander off. I am afraid I don't find that easy at all. However, as I say, meditation and concentration on the breathing is an excellent relaxation aid.

Enough is enough indeed. However, when you try and try and just keep getting the same feelings then what do you do? I think this is me. However, I have had a lot of stressors and maybe the stress has not allowed me to completely rise above this thing.

You say we must put our recovery first. I think too much concentration on the subject is what may be keeping us ill - then again I think you may mean something different. By "put our recovery first" I am taking that to mean that we must study books all day, spend lots of time doing relaxation techniques, etc etc. I may have misunderstood you here - cos I personally don't agree with the idea of making this thing too big. Let me know Lisa.

Thanks so much for your reply Lisa it was interesting. I wish you well with the cbt. x

Hi Yvonne

You are right, meditation is not easy at all. But the whole point is to focus on your breath or word and keep gently bringing your mind back to the focus point. This takes alot of practice but what we do is when we know we are thinking we don't get involved with the thoughts, we simply are aware of them. Often, we think we are our thoughts and we beleive them and start to spin out all sorts of stories. What we do in meditation to start to just let the thoughts go and not get hooked into them. The more we do this, the more we can take this practice into our daily lives. For instance, all our symptoms, whether we realise it or not come from thoughts. We have the thought "I feel dizzy, I need to get out of here" etc. and we hook into that thought and react to it so the technique we use is the same as in meditation. We stand back and witness the thought, or acknowledge it then let it go and we keep doing this and doing this. Eventually, we start to see how the cycle works and we learn how to let go of what we are thinking about. Rather than replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, we let the whole lot go! This is not easy and it takes alot of practice but this is how I am getting better.

I know what you are saying but we must reach a point where we really have had enough of living like this and recovery has to be number one in our lives and that means hard work I am afraid. In the beginning, it does seem difficult and that there is too much work to do which is fair enough but we don't see the bigger picture. As we start to progress and if we keep at it we will start to see small changes in our perception, this is what keeps us going and motivated. Then things start to get easier and slowly, we can see why it is all worth it.

It is difficult, I meditate twice a day, I read alot and I work on my thinking and I am doing the exposure to work on my avoidance habits every day. I used to get a bit better then I would have a set back but instead of thinking "oh here it is again and I will never get better", I would take a step back and look at why I was having a set back and it could have been just something as simple as having a cold or thinking about an arguement I may have had with someone. So, I let go of the setback and the thoughts that tell me I will never recover and keep going forward. My mind tells me everyday that I won't get better, but I just ignore it and keep moving. I don't listen to those self sabotaging thoughts anymore. How dare it tell me that I won't get better. Those thoughts are trying to keep me safe so I don't have to face the panic but it doesn't work.

So yes, I do concentrate on this every day and I am obsessed with recovery, not obsessed by my symptoms and problems. It is a slow change of perception.

You say "don't make this thing too big" but it is big; some people have had their lives wrecked by panic disorder and anxiety so we owe it ourselves to make it the number one priority and give it the elbow. How dare this thing do this to us. We cannot stay passive towards it, this is how we became ill in the first place; by being passive and putting everyone else first rather than looking after ourselves. So, making it our first priority is a shift in perception, we don't put it first by monitoring our symptoms and getting absorbed in our problem, we put it first by changing our attitude. We deserve to get better and we can get better otherwise if we think we can't get better then we won't because we really are what we think we are.

Every week or every month I notice small changes in my perception; it is a slow, long path but I have now decided that no matter what, I will never give up on myself again. I am in this for the long haul. Sometimes I feel great, other times I feel despair and get upset but I let it go and start all over again. But, and this is the big but I now KNOW that I will over come this.

Keep up the meditation Yvonne, you are doing great; just give it time and you will start to see how it works. One thing I will say though and I hope you don't mind "on and off" is no good, it has to be every day. It doesn't matter so much if we miss a session or two every now and then but for it to really work it needs to be every day as it has a cumulative effect. When I first started to meditate, I did it every now and then; sometimes I would do it othertimes I didn't - I kept telling myself I didn't have time but how much time do we devote to our panic and anxiety - 24/7 usually. I was also annoyed that I felt I had to meditate; now I do it because I enjoy it, I feel so peaceful and at ease with who I am and it is helping me to see what panic and anxiety is. I have suffered for 16 years so I know this will take time but there is no rush, as long as I keep going I will get there in the end!

[Yvonne]

Really good post Lisa - thanks. Have taken allthat in and note what you say about the meditation practise. x