I'm feeling so alone and scared. Can't face this anymore

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I'm not even sure why I'm posting today, I guess I just need a rant.. I understand if no one wants to read this.

I'm so tired of feeling this way. I've been actively trying to not seek reassurance but keep slipping. I'm just feeling so hopeless and so alone. I'm tired of a new little bruise appearing and slipping back into blind panic and fear. I've been trying not to check my body obsessively but then I worry I'll miss something important, even though I feel better when I don't check because I temporarily forget.

I've had headaches the last three days.. It could be so many things, stress, me coming off the pill three weeks ago, my eyes (I'm due an eye test) but of course my brain goes straight to leukemia, what with the bruises. I was trying to feel positive about the bruising because I didn't have any other symptoms, presuming I was just clumsy until now. I'm just hoping the head aches will go away. I feel like I'm doomed. I'm tired of the fear, I'm SO tired of it creeping in when I think I'm doing better. It's been pretty much three weeks of worry, stress, panic and anxiety. I'm self employed and being alone and not having much work on isn't helping I don't think.

Also this weather doesn't bloody help! Sorry to whine because I know the folks in the US and the south of this country have had it so much worse but I just want to go out for a lovely walk and get some fresh air but it just p*sses it down all the time and blows a gale! I'm so over being inside all the time.

I thought intrusive thoughts were my problem, but it's more like I can't believe anything other than I have cancer and I'm terminally ill. This time I'm scared to to see this doctor, scared of what he'll say, scared I'll have to have a blood test (I'm 26 and never had one) and scared of what they would find!

I'm not googling so I've no idea what kind if bruising is normal and what isn't. The last couple of days I've had a few little blood blisters in my mouth which has really panicked me as well (again not googling) I wondered whether I've been biting the inside of my mouth when I'm sleeping? Still I can't help being so scared.

I'm on the waiting list for one to one CBT but I think I might be waiting a while!

I'm worried I'm sinking into a depression and I really really don't want to go there :(

I'm sorry this has been a right ramble, and if you've read this far.. Thank you. I'm not really sure what I'm asking or looking for. Reassurance maybe.

Argh

[MarkJames3]

Hey,

I know exactly how you feel... Its a tough tough road to recovery... I have a few days where I feel great and as though I am getting better then I slip straight back down even quicker.

One thing I keep telling myself which does help a bit is that in 5 years time I will be so annoyed with myself when I look back and see I spent all my time worrying and not living my life. If I really think I have some impending doom about to happen then why am I sitting here worrying, why not enjoy my time I have left? Do things I want to do?

I will tell you something that really struck a chord with me recently... I work in video production and ironically recently have been filming interviews with long term HIV survivors.. one guy said this...

"What virus I have is an awful thing, but its also the best thing thats happened to me... having that fear of not knowing when I will go has enabled me to live my life, do everything I have wanted to do and have no regrets"

I think that statement will stay with me for a long long time!

[Freaked]

I have nothing to say except I know what it's like to be scared all the time and not have any help. I've been going through a bad time with it the past month too. I know it's lame advice, but maybe try to focus on a hobby you really enjoy, something to distract your mind and keep it active in a non-stress way :hugs:

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Mark, I'm trying hard to adopt that sort of attitude.. I guess it takes a whole lot of work though to change how you view these things.

---------- Post added at 09:50 ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 ----------

Freaked, I'm sorry to hear you've been suffering too. Thanks for the advice, I've found distraction seems to be the best thing.. Problem is all my hobbies tend to be outside things.. I can't wait for the weather to improve!

[LunaLiuna]

Morning cut out stars,

I just thought I'd write in and say you can get through this, I was in the place your in right now a couple of weeks ago. It does take a little effort and a lot of acceptance but you can do it!

Your doing really well already by rationalising your symptoms.

I seem to tell my story a lot, but basically I thought I was dying, I had headaches everyday for months, head pains, ear pain etc ect, I got so scared I moved into my brothers room, I was a mess. Then one night guess what? my brother heard a click, he looked over and I was grinding my teeth!

Your story seems similar to mine when you mentioned the blood blisters, as I get them. it's when you lay down on your side and your trying to grind your teeth but unfortunately your cheek gets in the way.

Stress and anxiety are the main culprits for causing clenching (Bruxism)

Maybe check in with the dentist? and sorry if I went off a little there!

Your going to be fine :hugs: :)

Have you looked into medication?

In regards to the weather, I'm in the south. I'm hoping my roof stays intact, it's already leaking !

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Hi LunaLiuna,

Thank you for taking the time to respond again :hugs: The little blisters do seem to be in the same places each time, where as you said, when you lie down your cheek sorta gets in the way of your teeth. I'm going to try not to think about it so much.. This is totally gross but I chew the inside of my mouth when I'm awake so go knows what I've started doing in my sleep!

I've said to my Dr I would take meds as a last resort (I'm pretty pill / new med phobic! Lol I panicked over taking a hayfever tablet last summer :blush:) I really want to try and work through this myself, though I am struggling, I'll admit!

Do you mind me asking how you work through the bad times? I heard you mention your age in a previous thread and you seem to be so sensible, helpful and rational.. More than I ever was (and am now at 26!)

Steph x

[LunaLiuna]

It's perfectly fine, it's hard seeing people who can get out of where there too, but they just can't believe it, so I like to give a little nudge :)

Don't worry, there's probably a lot worse than chewing your mouth! I would still go and see a dentist as it will stop further damage, and most likely the headaches, they'll most likely give you a guard.

I managed to cope without meds for three years, it was only this recent breakdown that well, broke me. I know that people can cope without them, but now I've noticed that instead of spending sooo much energy and time in fighting a battle on my own, I can be aided by family and other things. Medication, family etc.

Finally surrendering to anxiety was horrible at first, but I've never felt so relieved!

I don't really know how I got the through the bad times, except I put all of my faith and trust in the universe for once, it sounds silly but when we are anxious we get sooo focused on ourselves, we become shut off and in turn get even more anxious. I notice just how lucky I am to be alive, and I think of all the amazing things I can do when I get better :)

There's a lot more but for the sake of keeping this short I'll stop there.

(I've probably wrote loads anyway)

Sorry! :blush: