cut_out_stars
06-02-14, 08:40
I'm not even sure why I'm posting today, I guess I just need a rant.. I understand if no one wants to read this.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I've been actively trying to not seek reassurance but keep slipping. I'm just feeling so hopeless and so alone. I'm tired of a new little bruise appearing and slipping back into blind panic and fear. I've been trying not to check my body obsessively but then I worry I'll miss something important, even though I feel better when I don't check because I temporarily forget.
I've had headaches the last three days.. It could be so many things, stress, me coming off the pill three weeks ago, my eyes (I'm due an eye test) but of course my brain goes straight to leukemia, what with the bruises. I was trying to feel positive about the bruising because I didn't have any other symptoms, presuming I was just clumsy until now. I'm just hoping the head aches will go away. I feel like I'm doomed. I'm tired of the fear, I'm SO tired of it creeping in when I think I'm doing better. It's been pretty much three weeks of worry, stress, panic and anxiety. I'm self employed and being alone and not having much work on isn't helping I don't think.
Also this weather doesn't bloody help! Sorry to whine because I know the folks in the US and the south of this country have had it so much worse but I just want to go out for a lovely walk and get some fresh air but it just p*sses it down all the time and blows a gale! I'm so over being inside all the time.
I thought intrusive thoughts were my problem, but it's more like I can't believe anything other than I have cancer and I'm terminally ill. This time I'm scared to to see this doctor, scared of what he'll say, scared I'll have to have a blood test (I'm 26 and never had one) and scared of what they would find!
I'm not googling so I've no idea what kind if bruising is normal and what isn't. The last couple of days I've had a few little blood blisters in my mouth which has really panicked me as well (again not googling) I wondered whether I've been biting the inside of my mouth when I'm sleeping? Still I can't help being so scared.
I'm on the waiting list for one to one CBT but I think I might be waiting a while!
I'm worried I'm sinking into a depression and I really really don't want to go there :(
I'm sorry this has been a right ramble, and if you've read this far.. Thank you. I'm not really sure what I'm asking or looking for. Reassurance maybe.
Argh
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I've been actively trying to not seek reassurance but keep slipping. I'm just feeling so hopeless and so alone. I'm tired of a new little bruise appearing and slipping back into blind panic and fear. I've been trying not to check my body obsessively but then I worry I'll miss something important, even though I feel better when I don't check because I temporarily forget.
I've had headaches the last three days.. It could be so many things, stress, me coming off the pill three weeks ago, my eyes (I'm due an eye test) but of course my brain goes straight to leukemia, what with the bruises. I was trying to feel positive about the bruising because I didn't have any other symptoms, presuming I was just clumsy until now. I'm just hoping the head aches will go away. I feel like I'm doomed. I'm tired of the fear, I'm SO tired of it creeping in when I think I'm doing better. It's been pretty much three weeks of worry, stress, panic and anxiety. I'm self employed and being alone and not having much work on isn't helping I don't think.
Also this weather doesn't bloody help! Sorry to whine because I know the folks in the US and the south of this country have had it so much worse but I just want to go out for a lovely walk and get some fresh air but it just p*sses it down all the time and blows a gale! I'm so over being inside all the time.
I thought intrusive thoughts were my problem, but it's more like I can't believe anything other than I have cancer and I'm terminally ill. This time I'm scared to to see this doctor, scared of what he'll say, scared I'll have to have a blood test (I'm 26 and never had one) and scared of what they would find!
I'm not googling so I've no idea what kind if bruising is normal and what isn't. The last couple of days I've had a few little blood blisters in my mouth which has really panicked me as well (again not googling) I wondered whether I've been biting the inside of my mouth when I'm sleeping? Still I can't help being so scared.
I'm on the waiting list for one to one CBT but I think I might be waiting a while!
I'm worried I'm sinking into a depression and I really really don't want to go there :(
I'm sorry this has been a right ramble, and if you've read this far.. Thank you. I'm not really sure what I'm asking or looking for. Reassurance maybe.
Argh