Living or just existing?

[becky000]

Hi all,
I'm currently suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
I've suffered from all of the above before but this time it's circumstantial rather than a chemical imbalance as in the past.

My husband left me and my adult children work and live far from home now.
I've been left with a failing business, a desperate financial situation and an empty home where I'm left talking to a dog and a goldfish instead of looking after a noisy family.

I sleep very little and when I do it's to wake up to panic. My stomach churns constantly with anxious butterflies and I start the day under a black cloud of depression.

I don't feel that I'm living but rather just existing. I don't tell anyone because I realise nobody wants to know. At least I know I'm the world's best actress:shades:

I have no motivation to do the things that are required of me but somehow I seem to go through all the motions and fool everyone.

Typically the mornings are the worst and by evening I feel almost normal at which time I make plans to conquer the world as imagine the depression has gone, only to wake up to it the following morning.

I know this will pass (I'm writing this in the evening) but I'm scared of my lack of interest in life right now.

I could really do with some friends that understand!:hugs:

---------- Post added at 22:12 ---------- Previous post was at 21:13 ----------

It doesn't help that I have no family left in this country and I feel so very alone. It's a weird feeling knowing that nobody actually cares where I am or how I am. I just wonder if I'll ever get used to this.

[valleybear]

Hi Becky,
I am sorry that you are feeling low at the moment.
I can relate a little, although I do have some friends around.
I lost my husband 7 years ago and my family are grown up and gone.
I live alone with my dog and he has given me alot of pleasure and indeed forces me to get up, go out and walk ect. Also I talk to him quite a bit!!
Mornings are for sure the worst. I wake up feeling sick, shaky and I don't want to get up at all. The first few hours are usually spent using coping strategies to keep my panic and OCD thoughts at bay. By the afternoon and evening I am much better, except on really bad days when I can't function at all and by bedtime I am exhausted.
I think you will find people here who will understand completely how you are feeling and will always be there to support and help if they can.
Sending kind thoughts and:hugs:

[trish1955]

I don't live alone but can relate to some of yr probe like I had six children three from first marriage which broke up because of my anxiety and panic which was bk in late 70s I didn't even no wat was wrong with me. as mine first began at age of 12 so grew up having a few times were it lifted but always came bk and as I got older each time it seemed worse than before but I got married a second time in the 80s and new Ihad panic and anxiety to afraid to take meds but while raising the kids even though there was bad days iI managed pretty good they are all grown up with kids of there own by for my 22yr old son who still at home but at work my hubby is home all day as I can't even stay home alone don't go out even to my daughters next door this time I am deppressed to I broke down a few weeks ago sobbing down the phone to my doctor after all these yes I gave into meds citalpram they were 10mg but I cut it half and going to build myself up to 10 do you take meds its not changed anything yet I to have got to point were I wake updreading the day no iinterest in anything I don't get dressed I do shower every night and just put PJs on I don't do anything with my hair I look at the house sort of tidy up but can't see any point sorry about long post I just feel I needed to talk with some one who knows my family don't get it take care xx

[becky000]

Thank you Valleybear for understanding and sorry to hear that you are living with this condition although you sound very positive and able to cope.
I seem to spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and that's something I need to stop!
It just seems that everywhere I go I see couples, families and groups of friends that remind me of how lonely I am. I suppose it's my attitude at the moment that makes me look at life this way.
Realistically I know there are thousands of people out there like me.
But that knowledge doesn't make me feel any better.....
Like you, I don't know what I'd do without my dog, he's the perfect companion- never moans at me, doesn't criticise my fat belly and loves me unconditionally.

---------- Post added at 20:43 ---------- Previous post was at 20:36 ----------

Thanks Trish. Sorry for what you're going through.
No, I'm not taking any meds although I know I should but I'm really scared of taking them.
I'm just hoping that eventually I'll get through this. I don't think that any drugs can be a replacement for a husband or children so my only option is to get used to this new way of life.
It seems to have come upon me so suddenly and I feel in a state of shock. And I find the depression so overwhelming that it takes a huge effort to anything at all.
So I do understand what you're talking about when you say you don't want to get dressed or do your hair.

[Chelby]

Hi,
I am in a similar position, however i have been unemployed for 10 years now and my wife and young family still go about their everyday routine and i feel that I am just left at home alone save for my dog. Once again, it is my dog that had forced me to go out, otherwise i would simply just rot on the sofa.
It is difficult and lack of motivation seems to be something we all have along with a lack of friends or people to share our lives with.
I wish you well and hope your life improves soon and you're able to move on.
Take care :)

[ruthless]

Hi Becky

I can relate to you too. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks which can lead to depression at times, but I carry on with my life as normal - just like you I am a good actress. I have a wonderful family, but I mostly hide my feelings from them as I don't want to be a burden of any kind to them. I work because we can't afford
for me not too, and it helps me to have face to face contact with others as well.

Like you, mornings can be the worst for me if I have a day off work and am at home the anxiety and feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness seem to become more intense, and it takes me hours to 'get going'

I feel for your situation, and you seem to have a good understanding of why you feel the way you do. I would say don't think that you just have to 'get through this' with no help. It will pass eventually as you know and you will feel life is worth living again. However, I feel that people like you and me will always be susceptible to relapses, and we owe it to ourselves to try and continue to help ourselves feel better - be it meds, supplements, therapy whatever.

Take care
x