View Full Version : Scanxiety
It's that time again.
The 18th I go to Baltimore and get scoped, poked and prodded to see if everything is Ok after treatment for stage IV oral cancer (unknown primary HPV+ surmised orophrayngeal).
Outwardly, you wouldn't know I even had cancer. I've recovered physically to the point that I look healthy. How I feel physically is another story. I won't bore you with the details but suffice it to say I'm far from where I was prior.
So I have "Scanxiety". My temper is short. I'm on edge and worried. I've pretty much reached the point of my "new normal". There are chronic issues that I deal with and will for the rest of my life. I haven't felt all that great the last couple of weeks and it worries me a bit. I really don't think they'll see anything that warrants further investigation but you never know. The first two years after treatment I have 50/50 chance of the cancer returning. I've seen a few folks on the H&N cancer forums recently have it recur and we've lost a few warriors as well in the last month. These things are niggles in the back of my mind as the time approaches for the next exam.
Uggghhhh.... I'm tired of dealing with this to be honest. I work so hard to maintain a positive attitude and for the most part I achieve this but damn! I wish I could have a day off or two without battling the side effects and having to take drugs to treat the symptoms. I've had a rough weekend pain wise and it's fatiguing even with the drugs.
Between that and my daughter recently (last week) having to drop out of college to treat her anxiety has got me struggling a bit. It's one thing to deal with my own personal issues but it's another when a loved one is struggling and I feel so helpless. I know being there is what I need and will do but still. Damn!
Keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts will ya? I'll be Ok but it's nice to know I can voice my feelings. You all draw from my strength and keep the Dragon in his lair ya hear?
Positive thoughts
I'm praying for you and your daughter :hugs:
Praying for you both here as well, sleep well :hugs:
Serenity1990
10-02-14, 01:23
Very best of luck to you and your family, you're very brave!
Just try and see the light at the end of the tunnel, that's all I can really say. :)
TooMuchToLiveFor
10-02-14, 02:06
FMP-
I want to gather some thoughts and pray about what to say- and then I will write again, but until I get that little note to you I want to say this……
One, I have actually already been praying for your upcoming scan to give you great results, and I will really be praying for you to have peace and clarity as this approaches.
Two, I know you don't deal with anxiety per se, but right now you are in a season of "scanxiety"- which means a big, ol', ugly dragon has sauntered into your backyard-- and he even brought his cousin as the word is out that you are also in a season of "parent-worry." The fact that these things are causing turmoil is natural, human, and expected…., but get out your dragon slaying kit now and make sure you are the alpha male in this fight- not one of those smack-talking dragons. Yes, they're in your backyard….., and, yes, they are probably camping out for a little while,…..but you keep them in their place and soon, very soon, this season will be over and you will be dragon free once again.
I truly am praying for you, my friend, and I believe with all I am the power that releases over you.
---------- Post added at 20:06 ---------- Previous post was at 20:04 ----------
LOL- Actually, turns out I think those are the words I wanted to try to gather. Must have been the right ones, because they just tumbled out without having to think much about them.
XXXXXX!
Thanks Too Much and all for your thoughts...
Yes, it's a "season" of anxiety. Ironically it coincides with the 4 seasons in that I go every three months for two years. My next appointment will be in May as Spring is coming into being here in the Eastern US.
When I hear the words "NED" (No Evidence of Disease) I breathe a huge sigh of relief. Interestingly enough, I don't fear the cancer or death so much as I fear the treatment. Unfortunately I can't get radiation again in my neck area but chemo would be in order and most likely it would be palliative care as a remission would be unlikely. Of course I would take into consideration what my team feels is appropriate but I would have to choose the best quality of life for whatever the situation would be should it come to that.
I, like many here, consulted Dr. Google upon my diagnosis and the facts weren't pretty. I hung onto and still do that fact that everyone is different and HPV+ oral cancers have a higher survival rate.
So the Dragon is camping out in my backyard. I can see the glow of his fire and smell the smoke from his campfire wafting into my mind. Hopefully I'll get to to kick his ass out after the 18th, at least for another three months ;)
What's different for me compared to many here is that I'm not consumed with it to the point of distraction. I notice it sure, but I don't fear it as much as it's just annoying if that makes sense. It's like a toddler trying to get my attention... "Dad...Dad... Dad... Daddy...Daddy.. DADDY!... DAAADYY!!!" ...."WHAT!!!!!!" ~lol~ "Ohhhh nothing hehehe".... Grrrrr :mad:
Here ya go... this sums it up.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNkp4QF3we8
Positive thoughts
TooMuchToLiveFor
10-02-14, 03:45
LOL- I already heard Stewie's voice in my head as I was reading your analogy. Perfect comparison. (Makes me laugh, too, since I have a four year old and I live out that scenario daily.)
I know mentally you are strong, but it is hard to be strong all the time. Keep out of the future with your thoughts. Focus on each minute of the present. Will be specifically praying "NED"-- I have the 18th on my calendar.
Wishing you all the best, stay strong, we will all be rooting for you! Xx
Hey Fish,
Don't forget one thing-you've got one powerful weapon in your arsenal Mr Cancer is totally unprepared for-your positive thoughts. ;) I'm an analyst by profession so I like to illustrate points with odds-I'd say your ever-positive thoughts, good attitude and mental toughness really decrease cancer's chances to recur. It's not 50-50 any more, it's 70-30 in your favour, at least!
I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter, but please, don't feel helpless. You helped countless number of people at this forum, who were total strangers for you-you'll definitely be able to help her too! :)
Rooting for you and for clear scans and stay strong!
A
Hey Mark,
Just wanted to drop by and wish you good luck for next week. I am quite sure you wont need it, but i will sure be thinking of you this time next week.
Chris
Fishman, sorry to hear you're not feeling good.
I'm wishing you all the best luck and positivity for your scan, I'll be thinking of you!
Hoping your daughter is feeling better soon too Xxx
Ah Fishmanpa, I am thinking of you and your daughter. Sending positive thoughts and healing prayers during this time scanxiety. Time flies, as we were talking about this three months ago. It seems fairer to just "spring" a scan on you than to give you a date to wait on. Waiting brings up anticipation, and anticipation brings that damn dragon around, giving him time to crawl out of his lair and breathe smoke all over your world.
Like you, I can't predict the scan results but I can predict that you will stay positive for your own recovery. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well lately. That can only add to your worries, I'm sure. After all of the folks that you have continuously helped on here, myself included, I am glad to see you posting about your feelings. It is good to be able to give back.
I think Too Much said it very well. Try not to go into the future. Every day is the only adventure that each of us is promised and we have to make the best of each moment of our daily adventures. Going into our futures and worrying about the "what if's" are what gives our dragons their future play dates. And they look forward to those with great anticipation.
I know that whatever happens, you will be just fine. How do I know that? Because I feel as if I know your courage your integrity and your compassion. Stay strong my friend. All will be well.
Thanks again guys :) Your positive vibes are very much appreciated and welcome.
Drash... you're right. I learned early on in my battle with the beast that attitude plays a huge part in beating it and in recovery. Interestingly enough, the "odds" increase dramatically in my favor with each passing month. At two years out, They hit 80/20 or better in my favor. Attitude in general is key regardless of what you're facing. I keep going back to one of my favorite quotes...
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we handle it" Charles Swindoll
That's some "truth" there. Isn't it funny that the things that bring us down the most in life are lies? From your personal life to HA. The Dragon is probably the best liar out there and along with his accomplice Dr. Google, they make your life miserable. Maybe it all comes down to seeking truth and living your life that way. I know for me it has.
Positive thoughts
Hi Fishmanpa, not as good as some people with words, but will definitely be sending a prayer up for you (and your daughter, because we all know the hell of anxiety)and because if anybody deserves it, you do. You've helped us all on here and we all gather strength from your wise words (don't always do what you say though :lac:!!
I shall be watching for your results.
Love, hugs from across the Pond.
Juliex
Female healthanxiety
10-02-14, 13:44
Hello Fishmanpa,
Am sorry to hear your feeling like this AT THE MOMENT.
Please don’t let this effect your positivity. I trust you have been through this procedure before to know what happens?
‘I've recovered physically to the point that I look healthy’ --- You have made yourself proud by going through this and still looking healthy and recovered physically – I know it’s more then what I would have been able to do – HATS OF TO YOU.
You say your temper is short – it would be if you are worrying about things. You’ve been there before, done it and came out the other side – AND YOU WILL AGAIN...........
Like many on here, including myself, I am sure you are familiar as to how HA or general anxieties effect quality of life...... and I have seen you time after time give such good advice – How about reading up on some of the award winning advice you have given to others to remind yourself how great you are and of course take some of your own medicine.
“I've seen a few folks on the H&N cancer forums recently have it recur and we've lost a few warriors as well in the last month. These things are niggles in the back of my mind as the time approaches for the next exam” – This is a HA comment I will have you know! They have to say a 50/50 chance, however, 100000’s of people recover and even if it does come back, you will have spotted it very quickly and will deal with it.............. BUT this is only BUT – I fear your worrying is making you feel ill – LIKE HA DOES................
Please do not be too hard on yourself – you don’t deserve it –something my DR said to me is: ‘K, none of us wake up happy every day’............you are allowed down days/weeks..
Like you advised me – why don’t you try a relaxing meditation AP?
Your daughter, I assume is young?? She will bounce back and am sure she is young enough to do anything she likes. Is the college being demolished? If not, then don’t worry she can re-attend when she is feeling much better about herself.... i KNOW THAT FEELING Fish – I have to deal with my sisters daily and it takes its toll.
PM me if you feel like a chat.
YOU WILL BE FINE XXX
bluetopazgirl
10-02-14, 13:46
Thinking of you both and wanted to say that you will certainly be in my thoughts :)
Will definitely pray for you!
Here's hoping you get good news, sure you will!! All the very best :yesyes:
Good luck with everything .....:scared15: xx
Thanks again guys :) Your positive vibes are very much appreciated and welcome.
Drash... you're right. I learned early on in my battle with the beast that attitude plays a huge part in beating it and in recovery. Interestingly enough, the "odds" increase dramatically in my favor with each passing month. At two years out, They hit 80/20 or better in my favor. Attitude in general is key regardless of what you're facing. I keep going back to one of my favorite quotes...
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we handle it" Charles Swindoll
That's some "truth" there. Isn't it funny that the things that bring us down the most in life are lies? From your personal life to HA. The Dragon is probably the best liar out there and along with his accomplice Dr. Google, they make your life miserable. Maybe it all comes down to seeking truth and living your life that way. I know for me it has.
Positive thoughts
Exacly. Our abilitie to deal with unpredictable events are crucial for all aspects of our lives.
I'd say that uncertainty brings us down the most. People tend to like their personal lives (health, career, family life) be predictable. We all always buy groceries in the same shop because we know exactly where to find eggs, where milk etc. Hence the anxiety-it's unpredictability that we dread the most.
For example, there was a lady that posted here several days ago, and she was diagnosed with diabetes. She was actually relieved when she posted, and she never felt better in her life. I mean, diabetes is not as bad as cancer or heart attack or neurological disorder (usual fears of all HA sufferers) but it's not walk in the park either. Still, she was so relieved to actually know what was going on with her that he readily and without problems accepted the changes in her lifestyle necessary for diabetes treatment. In other words-it was uncertainty that anguished her mentally.
That's why people like odds (I personally don't like to use them, because one of the part of my job is crisis-management analysis, which is precisely about bad things happening despite "good" odds before they happened)-they bring more certainty. For example: Chances that someone has pancreatic cancer are 1:10000000 =he/she will still fear it, but odds are it's anxiety and so it helps. When my uncle had cancer, first thing he asked the doctors after surgery was "What are the chances for re-occurrence, and what for remission?"-he wanted percentages.
Same goes with lies-it's the process of seeing through it, of determining whether we are being lied or not that's the worst. When we actually know it's a lie-however horrible the lie was or however close and trustworthy the person was before lying to us-it's still easier, there is a starting point to operate further.
Female healthanxiety
26-02-14, 19:38
Evening Fishmanpa,
How did your tests go?
I'm glad your feeling a little less anxious now xx
Evening Fishmanpa,
How did your tests go?
I'm glad your feeling a little less anxious now xx
Hi FA,
Thanks for asking. Everything was good! I'm still NED (no evidence of disease) and the heart thing came back fine. It was "scanxiety". Thing is, my chest hurt and I felt awful. I knew it was stress/anxiety (especially seeing so many here with the same symptoms) but with my history of heart issues they wanted to be sure. I'm going to speak to my GP about a Mother's Little Helper come check up time again if you know what I mean ;)
Positive thoughts
cut_out_stars
26-02-14, 21:50
Best of luck with everything fishmanpa! You'll be in my thoughts
almamatters
27-02-14, 07:22
Good luck with everything. :)
AnxietySufferer
27-02-14, 07:51
Thinking of you fishmanpa hope it goes okay!!
Female healthanxiety
01-03-14, 15:09
Hi Fishmanpa,
It's funny how much anxiety can make us feel physically unwell isn't it?
Look back on how you felt and try and recognise that them feelings were anxiety.
Am glad your tests can back fine hun, bet that burden on your shoulders lifted!
Xx
Hi Fishmanpa,
It's funny how much anxiety can make us feel physically unwell isn't it?
Look back on how you felt and try and recognise that them feelings were anxiety.
Am glad your tests can back fine hun, bet that burden on your shoulders lifted!
Xx
The thing is FA, my first gut feeling was it was anxiety. There was a little niggle that had me worried and that was my history. Having had two heart attacks, bypass surgery and stents, there was a chance that another artery was blocked or getting close (a warning sign). When I went and got tested, my cardiologist said she would have sent me anyway and it was good that I went to the ER.
The pain I was having was definitely uncomfortable but no where near what it felt like when I had my heart attack. At any rate... all is well. I got a NED report from my cancer team and the all clear from my cardiologist (follow up appt. next week). I'm going to speak with her and my GP about something I can keep here to take when my follow-up appts. come around (next one May 20th). This way when I feel the stress starting to build, I can get it under control. I may appear to be handling it well but my body is telling me otherwise.
Positive thoughts
You are inspirational FMP! You are a rock to so many on this forum. So glad all went well, and i bet it will continue to do so xx
You are amazing! I'm glad everything came back well! :)
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