View Full Version : Health Anxiety Seems A Small Thing
I'm finding life ironic right about now. I've worried half of my life away with HA, imaging that I have heart disease, cancers of infinite varieties, diabetes, leukemia, liver disease, etc... You name it and I've had it. Seriously half of my life spent wasted fearing a disease that I never had. Fearing tomorrow instead of living for today. Fearful instead of hopeful. Anxious instead of joyous. Embittered instead of fulfilled.
NO MORE!!!!!!
My Father, who has never worried about being sick a day in his life, was diagnosed about two months ago with a malignant spinal tumor, called a chordoma. Today, after a colonoscopy, we learn that he has end stage colon cancer. He doesn't know yet. We are waiting until all three kids are at the hospital tonight at 7:30.
I vow not to waste one more damn daymof mymlife with HA. That dragon's ship has sailed. He can crawl back into his lair in a far away never never land. I will not live in the future any longer nor in a state of dread. If I die tomorrow, it will be okay. But damn it, I am going to enjoy each day I have.
How many days do I wake up and say, "My God, what a glorious day"! How many days do I wake up and say, "Thank you for this opportunity to live a good life today"?
I have the chance to do this each day. I have the tools and the dragon slaying kit. It is time to use it every second. It is time to be thankful, not to ask the question about "what is that ache or pain".
Today has changed my life and I will not go back. I will be right here ignoring the dragon and his stinking breath of brimstone smell. I will be right here to help whomever I can.
Enough is enough. I am a lucky woman and it's time I realize it!
TooMuchToLiveFor
10-02-14, 22:32
My dear friend, Tanner…..this post has made me weep, and my heart is full and heavy for you!
I am so, so sorry to hear this news about your dad.
I am so, so moved and amazed by your response.
I don't have words to express what I am feeling for you, but I will support and encourage you in any way I can through this.
My heart goes out to you Tanner, I am so profoundly sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis!
Your response to this dreadful situation is really amazing, and your inner strength should be an inspiration to everyone.
Whenever you need help, we'll be here!
Sending you a huge cyber hug from Germany,
A
I would like to hop in and echo what the others have said, we are all here for you.
The strength you've shown over the past couple of weeks has been incredible, and I'm sure after this you're only going to get stronger.
You'll feature heavily in my prayers tonight. Stay strong Tanner :hugs:
Son of a )*&#^
You've been so incredibly strong throughout this ordeal.
Isn't it ironic that an event that typically starts many down the HA road has done the opposite for you. I know first hand that dealing with cancer from both the patient and caregiver perspective is life changing. For the survivor it brings a greater value to each day as it does to the caregiver. And for situations like this, it makes you appreciate life and value the time you do have.
I'm so sorry to hear this Tanner. At the same time I'm proud of you for the strength and resolve you've shown. The Dragon doesn't stand a chance.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours this evening and always.
Positive thoughts
Too Much, Andrash, Luna and Fishmanpa, this dragon does not stand a chance. Fishmanpa is so right. Cancer sucks, and it is a life changing event. It is so amazing how it struck me today though. I can choose not to live in fear. A cancer patient can't choose not to have cancer. I can choose to have strength and I can choose to enjoy every day. Every single day. I'm not saying that my anxiety will go away but I am saying that I can accept that it is merely anxiety and be thankful for that. Maybe we can all turn these dragons into Puff The Magic Dragon!
TooMuchToLiveFor
11-02-14, 04:10
Hey, Lady,
I am so proud of you.
You are changing peoples' lives by sharing your own life with us…….
How is your father emotionally and physically tonight? How are your brothers?
How are YOU?
I am so sorry to hear about your father, he will be in my prayers!
I am SO proud of you for taking HA head on and facing life with such a positive attitude, good for you!!!
katielou80
11-02-14, 07:52
beautiful post!! Massive thoughts and hugs go out to you and yours. im in a similar situation, i have bad HA, and have wasted many many years worrying about cancers, heart probs, the list is endless. my dad had a massive heart attack and cardiac arrest last august, 10 days after a full heart check up and being told his heart is fine! he was in intensive care in a coma for 2 weeks, told he was brain dead, etc, low and behold he has now made a full recovery, and only 7% of out of the hospital cardiac arrests do. this taught me that anything can happen to anyone at any time, whats the point of worrying about it>>>>>> ENJOY LIFE EVERYDAY, AND CHERISH WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN YOU TO ENJOY. I must have wasted 7 xmas's on panicking about illnesses, every year we put the tree up theres something else. i have 2 kids and am only in my 30's. my granddad who is 98 has never been in hospital in his life apart form gallstones, told me once, imagine if i get to my age, look how many years you would have spent worrying, and nothings happened, and im 98!!???? how right he is!?? We only get one shot at life.
Thanks Katie and LeslieLou. Your encouraging words mean a lot to me. My own mental state is pretty good this morning. I got a solid 6-7 hours of sleep last night. Being totally out of my routine, I think that I've forgotten to take my citalopram for the last couple of days. Each day just sort of becomes a blur and then I forget. I'm not going to fret about it. I will just get back on the wagon tonight.
My brothers are doing okay. One of them finally fell apart a bit last night but is pulling it back together well.
As for my Dad, when faced with the colon cancer fear, he said no surgery and he just wanted to go home. He said he was making that decision for his children. I finally got out of him that he was just going to die because he didn't want to be a burden to us. Once we talked about it with the colorectal surgeon and the priest, I finally got out of him that he did want the surgery but was opting to die so he wouldn't be a burden to his kids.
Needless to say, we reassured him that if he wanted to fight, that we supported that decision and he was not a burden. That was all he needed to hear and his surgery is scheduled for today at 3:00PM.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I am doing fine this morning. Thankful for this day and thankful to wake up and be healthy.
TooMuchToLiveFor
11-02-14, 13:10
Hey Tanner,
God bless you! You are doing an amazing job.
I absolutely am praying for you and your family…..there is a verse that comes to mind:
The Lord gives strength to His people; The Lord blesses His people with peace.
Praying you will feel through and through that strength and peace today!
Tanner, I hope you don't mind but I'm bumping this for a reason. People need to read this for several reasons.
First, go back and read some of the posts from last Fall and compare them to now. Take note of how far one can come when determined to take the Dragon by the neck and keep him in his cave.
Secondly, take note of the "attitude" change to a more positive and pragmatic approach. That's CBT. A shift from irrationality to rationality.
Thirdly, to take note of how utterly brave she is in the face of something so terribly dreadful. Faced with the loss of her father due to the beast cancer has given her a perspective on HA that has changed her profoundly. I hope everyone reads this and then looks at their lives and come to the same realization she has. With very, very, very few exceptions, all the ailments on this board are not serious nor life threatening. They can all be attributed to the Dragon. I pray that no one else has to go through what Tanner is going through. I lived it personally and can tell you how horrible it is.
The thing is, you have every right to fear some of the dreadful things you fear but my God, why live in fear to the point of not living? I pray no one else ever have to face something so traumatic.
Finally, as HA is based on imagined diseases, try to imagine yourself in Tanner's place for a moment. Take note of her bravery and resolve. Take note of her determination and see just how far she has come. Use this to inspire yourself. Does that harmless node, mouth ulcer, ache in your ribs, cooking apple you took a bite out of etc. etc. etc... seem so life threatening now?
Tanner's post is one of the most real and inspirational posts I've read on these boards. Use it to inspire yourself.
Positive thoughts
I just have one question. Who really wants to get better? Or is everyone too busy enjoying their conversations about their heart palpitations? If I can do this, so can you. Let's help each other.
Great post tanner.
Just want to say how amazing you are, in the strength you have shown at such a difficult te and to say hear hear!!
I have been really selective on which posts I read as I want to get past this not learn about diseases I have never heard of!!
Stay strong, your really are an inspirational person. Love to you and your family.
Thank you Flossy. I'm no more amazing than anyone else on this board. I am just becoming determined that life is too short to waste a single day worrying about diseases I don't have. Will it matter if I die tomorrow if I haven't enjoyed all of the yesterday's? I want to ejoy today and my tomorrow's and that's not going to happen by my looking for reassurance on my anxiety and symptoms. I have to take charge of my life. I have created this anxiety and only I can dispel it.
Tanner, I am so sorry to hear this news you are such a strong person to fight anxiety even through such news. You have helped me through so much and I am so thankful to you for that. You are truly an inspiration.
How have you been doing, Becky. It's always a pleasure to talk with you. I hope that things are getting better for you.
Thank you Flossy. I'm no more amazing than anyone else on this board. I am just becoming determined that life is too short to waste a single day worrying about diseases I don't have. Will it matter if I die tomorrow if I haven't enjoyed all of the yesterday's? I want to ejoy today and my tomorrow's and that's not going to happen by my looking for reassurance on my anxiety and symptoms. I have to take charge of my life. I have created this anxiety and only I can dispel it.
When I consider every thing that grows
Holds in perfection but a little moment.
That this huge stage presenteth nought but shows
Whereon the stars in secret influence comment.
When I perceive that men as plants increase,
Cheerèd and checked even by the self-same sky,
Vaunt in their youthful sap, at height decrease,
And wear their brave state out of memory;
Then the conceit of this inconstant stay,
Sets you most rich in youth before my sight,
Where wasteful Time debateth with decay
To change your day of youth to sullied night;
And all in war with Time for love of you,
As he takes from you, I engraft you new.
Just couldn't resist :)
Thank you Tanner I am fighting on! I am finally learning to accept my anxiety and move on with my life. I have bad periods but I try to acknowledge them as anxiety and move on! And im starting to knuckle down in college aswell :)
TooMuchToLiveFor
11-02-14, 22:31
Tanner- checking in about your dad's surgery? Is it going on now?
Tanner- so sorry to hear this news about your dad. These things do put things in perspective though and it is good that you are determined to make a positive experience out of such a difficult time.
Thanks to everyone. I truly can only say that I am hoping that my experiences are helping someone with their HA, depression or anxiety. Life is precious and worrying about it will only keep us from enjoying the days that we have. Believe me, I am not making light of HA. It is a horrible disease, but it is a horrible disease that we have the power to control.
My Dad's surgery is over and he did well with the colon resection. We are awaiting pathology reports but they think that it is a lymphoma. Another terrible surprise. This is all of our greatest fears, yet they are not rational fears for us. We have HA, not an incurable illness. My Dad, like Fishmanpa, is fighting for his life, and doing so with grace and strength.
I intend to fight my HA with the same grace and strength. I can honestly say that I felt anxiety today but said, "screw it". Get back dragon, as I need my life back.
---------- Post added at 02:37 ---------- Previous post was at 02:36 ----------
And Andrash, I love the poem as always!
Thanks to everyone. I truly can only say that I am hoping that my experiences are helping someone with their HA, depression or anxiety. Life is precious and worrying about it will only keep us from enjoying the days that we have. Believe me, I am not making light of HA. It is a horrible disease, but it is a horrible disease that we have the power to control.
My Dad's surgery is over and he did well with the colon resection. We are awaiting pathology reports but they think that it is a lymphoma. Another terrible surprise. This is all of our greatest fears, yet they are not rational fears for us. We have HA, not an incurable illness. My Dad, like Fishmanpa, is fighting for his life, and doing so with grace and strength.
I intend to fight my HA with the same grace and strength. I can honestly say that I felt anxiety today but said, "screw it". Get back dragon, as I need my life back.
---------- Post added at 02:37 ---------- Previous post was at 02:36 ----------
And Andrash, I love the poem as always!
Thanks :)
I bolded the lymphoma thing-as I watched my two close relatives battle cancers almost on a day-to-day basis, and being a HA sufferer, I (unfortunately) know a thing or two about the beast. If they find out it's lymphoma-I won't tell you it's "good news" as that would be very callous, but it's better situation than end stage colon cancer-lymphomas are much more treatable and destroyed more easily by chemo.
You probably already did this, but still-try to check with the oncologist whether your dad's spine tumour is another primary cancer, or metastasis from lymphoma/colon cancer. If it's primary, it's also "good news" as primary spine cancers grow very, very slowly and can be controlled for years.
Hang in there and good luck to your dad (and more importantly, good skill to the surgeons and oncologists)!
A
Thanks Andrash. We will know more when the pathology report comes back. They are still maintaining that the malignant spinal chordoma is totally unrelated to the colon cancer. I know that is quite hard to believe but that is what previous pathology has shown.
As for today, I have a four hour stint at the hospital and I have taken the day off of work in order to take care of me. A little much need rest and attempted relaxation is much in order.
Thanks Andrash. We will know more when the pathology report comes back. They are still maintaining that the malignant spinal chordoma is totally unrelated to the colon cancer. I know that is quite hard to believe but that is what previous pathology has shown.
As for today, I have a four hour stint at the hospital and I have taken the day off of work in order to take care of me. A little much need rest and attempted relaxation is much in order.
This is much better than mets to spine-primary spinal tumours grow very slowly and there's a good chance of complete cure with surgery. Even if it's not operable, it can be successfully controlled by radiation for years. Old age actually works in favour of your dad because tumours grow slower in older people.
As for other cancer-don't get me wrong,lymphoma is not a walk in the park either, but it's much more treatable than late stage colon cancer-these late stage internal organ cancers tend to be resistant to chemo and recur. I was only 15 when my grandfather died of liver cancer,(I'll be 30 in October) but I remember the nasty details :( .
Still, if they managed to get both tumours out it's very good news and it will drastically increase chances for long remission/cure as well as improve the quality of life (which is equally important in older age)...
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