Next stage sadness?

[RoseEve]

It's been over a week since I've visited dr. Google. This is major for me. My brain is flinging anxious thoughts at me but without giving into my compulsive behavior the thought fizzles away. I'm feeling sadness now. I'm looking at my life and feeling hopeless. Without the anxiety I have to face my life. I come from a pretty loveless family. My husband went to jail suddenly and unexpectedly over a year ago for robbery. I had no idea what he was doing. I'm a catholic school teacher for gods sake. I had no clue. One day I was on my way home from work and his job called and said detectives took him away. At the time my daughter was 2 and my son was 6 months. My life has been such a struggle ever since. People look at me differently. My kids and my job are the only reason I go on. My daughter was very close to her father, hearing her cry for him broke my already scattered heart. Tonight I got an email from her preschool saying they are having a father daughter dance. It was like taking a bullet. I'm sorry for this long depressing post. I just needed to share. I have no one to talk to. Is I normal to feel sadness when confronting anxiety?

[LunaLiuna]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you, my father stole from my mum and left with his new wife, so this story is familiar to me. I think it's totally normal to feel sad when confronting a foe who we have unfortunately created ourselves.

It was not your fault, so why take the blame for it? I know you're not exactly saying it was your fault, but for you to feel the way you do there must be a sense of responsibility.

Like your lovely quote from Saint Francis, turn your sadness into joy and your despair into hope. You have done nothing wrong :)

I know with anxiety we have a tendency to look to the future, but with depression we look to the past. The funny thing is both of them are illusions. There is only the present and once we strive to this everything can and will get better.

Have a great day and sorry if I went on, I always seem to do that :)

[RoseEve]

Thank you for responding Luna. I already regret posting this because over 100 people viewed it and only 1 responded. It makes me feel more like a loser. But appreciate that you took time. I do think I am partly to blame and I feel like I should have seen what was going on and I wanted my children to have a father because mine was so terrible. It really struck home about the anxiety is fear of the future and depression is pain from the past. I never live in the present. I am going to try from now on. Thank you <3

[LunaLiuna]

Hey no don't put yourself down like that, You're not a loser, your a super strong independent mum. I think anyone who ignores that is the loser!

Perhaps you could of seen it coming, but chances are you didn't because you saw the good in him instead, don't blame yourself for that. it's an amazing quality to see the good things. It's a quality you still have as well :)

[Althea]

Rose, most of the people viewing NMP posts aren't members--they can't respond. It's not a comment on you.

I don't remember what you've said--are you seeing a therapist at all? If you're not, I really think you should look into it. You've got a lot on your plate between grief at your loss and your anxiety, and having a professional help you could be really valuable.

If money is an issue, here's a good guide to finding low-cost and sliding-scale therapy in the US:

http://captainawkward.com/2011/09/22/how-to-locate-low-cost-mental-health-care-in-the-us-and-canada-guest-post/

I really hope you feel better soon, and I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

[RoseEve]

Thank you both :) I didn't know you could view this forum without being a member. I was in therapy for a while and it was a waste of time and money. I tried a different therapist but she did nothing for me either. It was like 2 years I was in therapy.

[Althea]

I was in therapy for a while and it was a waste of time and money. I tried a different therapist but she did nothing for me either. It was like 2 years I was in therapy.

Therapy is really variable--I would urge you not to dismiss it because of bad experiences, and also to be willing to back out if you think a therapist isn't right for you; sometimes it's a matter of finding the right fit, and I think you might find it helpful to have someone to talk to you, since you don't currently feel like you do. However, you also might like to read through Captain Awkward in general--it's got a lot of good insight about therapy, and it's also a very supportive place for people who are struggling with various issues large and small.