Jhadjkura
11-02-14, 12:36
Okay, so i'm guessing you want some back story. I'm 19. I'm the oldest of three children. Born in Essex, stayed there till 8 years old. Grown up in London from then onwards. Moved to Suffolk last year. Was severely bullied in primary school including assaults such as smashing my head against walls, putting hands in boiling water and threatening with knives. Secondary school was more verbal bullying. Never had any friends in school. Was the kid that everyone mutually hated (was told this by many people to my face). Was constantly told I wasn't good enough, ugly, that i was never going to find anyone that would find me attractive. I am/was an actor and people took the piss out of the shows I was in and for the fact that I did dance. They called me gay. I was the school loser. But I never let them see that they got me down. I shrugged it off, I replied back with bad jokes or sarcasm. My mum has been ill since before i was born. She has multiple Immune Disorders, A Pacemaker, Diabetes, and asthma. I met my current friends last august at a video convention. They are the best and only friends I've ever had. I love them to bits, There's about 15 of us. I talk with about 5 of them every day, and meet up with everyone about once a week. they are some of the best people in the world. We're all this misfits of life bunched together.
Okay now the problems.
I've always been pretty down with myself, had self-esteem issues and worried quite a bit. However the last year, especially the last month, has been like hell on earth. I've been having trouble sleeping a lot. The thing is, is when I'm alone with my thoughts I get so worried and end up feeling really depressed and cry into my pillow and usually involvepanic attack. I end up not sleeping and getting like 2/3 hours sleep a night, or lately none at all. Either that or if i have nothing planned the next day, I do the complete opposite and once i'm to point where i fall asleep do to my body just passing out i stay asleep for like 14-18 hours. And then I never get out of bed when i do wake up and just repeat that cycle.
What is the thoughts that I worry about? Well I do four things:
1. The main things I do is I play out future things in my head. I will play out a situation in my head but for some reason it will always go bad. I will then play it out again, but this time do it differently, but it still ends up negatively. And i will play it over and over hundreds of time and every time it will go the wrong freaking way. And i go back and i wonder why did this happen. So i start listing what i did wrong, what my fault was. And it makes me feel useless and meaningless. pointless. What is the point in trying if it's just gonna **** up anyway, what's the point in life if its just gonna end in pain. There's no point.
2. Another thing is that i just list out all my faults. I just list everything i hate about myself. I know i don't have any good qualities, but that doesn't mean I need to constantly have my head filled with everything bad that I am.
3. Also I playback old experiences and try and do them differently. I worry about 'what if'. And these what if's just get rambled up in my brain. i play it 500 different ways all at once.
4. The other and most terrifying thing is i will imagine future stuff happening. But really traumatic stuff. Not physical pain. Physical pain does nothing to me. it's the emotional trauma i see. A recurring one is getting a phone call in various places saying that my mother has died.
Now I have all four of these things going on in my head and when im left alone, it all just boils up until it explodes. This usually happens when I'm alone with my thoughts for a while. Mostly when I'm trying to sleep. I'm now scared to be alone with my Thoughts. So i distract myself by watching movies or chatting to friends online. To the point where i physically can not keep my eyes open anymore and i fall asleep.
So when these thoughts get so full on and i cant cope anymore, my body starts shaking, i feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, my arms feel numb and i start crying. My friends told me this is what they call a panic attack. If it is due to all the anxiety overloading, then i usually go online and talk to my friend who has had panic attacks for years and she helps me calm down. If shes not there i cry into my pillow and try to deep breathe until it goes away. These usually last around 5-10 mins. However sometimes I get a panic attack completely out of the blue (usually at a house party) and these ones are a lot worse. The worse one yet was last Saturday. The shaking is a lot more severe, my entire body feels numb, and i need to get the panic out, i hit walls, i scream. It hurts my head. It feels like all the thoughts ive tried to keep hidden behind a door have broken through and are now creating havoc in my mind. These usually last around 20 mins. And they happen on and off for about an hour. They usually end up with me saying something like, "what is wrong with me/i'm so ****ed up/am i crazy." They are scary as shit. I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy. They're also embarrassing in front of my friends as it ruins there night. Drinking alcohol usually makes it worse. I get worried about having a panic attack at future events and the worrying about getting a panic attack makes me have a panic attack.
The constant fear i have is that all of my friends actually hate me, even though i have evidence to show that they love me. And when i do accept that, yes they DO love me, i start thinking that they will eventually see everything wrong with me and push me away. I push everyone I love away because i can't accept that people like me. i grew up believing that i was never gonna be liked/loved. that i would always be alone. and no matter how much I try and reassure myself I can't get around the fact that people actually like me. Because all those people in school, all those people ive met in life, they must of hated me for a reason, i must have been doing something wrong to have been hated by both everyone in primary and secondary. i hate myself so why would anyone else like me. If i cant think of anything good about myself then how can anyone else. So i'm scared of my friends finding out that i'm not actually a nice person. i am just the annoying person that everyone hates. i'm just flawed in every way. And it's not long before this fairytale comes to an end. Because i don't want to lose the best people i've ever met, my favourite people in the world.
I get so worked up over the fact that i'm never going to fall in love. i've already excepted that i'm never gonna have 'the one'. that i will die alone. But still it upsets me. Rom-coms make me cry, not because of sad or happy moments but because it's something i know i'll never have. And seeing happy couples only increases my worry and and thought proccess.
i get increasingly worried about how people will respond to my sexuality. i am bisexual, however i like girls more. i'm a 2 on the kinsey scale if you use that. I have this fear of everyone hating me because i like guys aswell and that they will all ignore me. i know this isnt true but still it goes through my mind constantly.
Suicide. i know i'd never do it for one reason, because my mum needs me. She was diagnosed with a new autoimmune disorder called Devics Disease. It has paralysed her from the chest downwards. My brother and sister are utter ****s and dont help in anyway. They make her cry, thy disobey her and they treat her like shit. So every single time the thought of suicide has come in to my brain, my mother comes into thought and i know i wouldn't do that to her. Because i have to be there for her, to comfort her, to make her feel better. Because i'm the only one she has left. I can see how happy she is when i come home for the weekend.
These thoughts of suicide. They come up as that like voice in the back of your head. When i'm on the platform waiting for a train a little voice says "go on jump, there's no point, you're worthless anyway". The same when i'm crossing the road, when i'm waiting for a bus. When i see a packet or tub of pills, I hear "just jug them down go on, go to sleep and not wake up". I see a knife and I want to stab myself. I want to cut myself. There's been many times that I picked up a knife or a razor and just stroked it across my skin. Not enough pressure to actual cut, just to feel the blade caress my flesh. The cold metal against my skin. The fact that one little bit of effort and i could cut enough to bleed to death. I used to ,back in secondary school, when running baths, not use the cold tap. It would be only the hot tap. The bath would be near boiling. Not enough to leave permanent scars. And i'd slowly get into it. My skin would go really red . But it was that it went numb. It was the numbness i liked. My body felt like my mind. And the pain was a distraction, a punishment for being a disgrace of a human being. These thoughts, these actions. Normal people don't do this. i was once occidentally sent a video of someone getting run over, instead of blocking the person and leaving the site. i stayed on that site for about 4 hours, watching video after video of people getting run over, cars crashing, people shooting themselves. No words. Nothing else. just watch, next, watch, next. No thoughts, just watching. Just numb. I have the same feeling when on my dark Tumblr (tumblr account for where i post anxiety/suicidal thoughts stuff). This isn't what normal people do. What the **** is wrong with me? Like what.
I've been mugged probably over 20 times in my life. i grew up in east london and i'm the typical nerdy kid. i've been doing parkour and dancing since i was tiny so i could most likely run away pretty easily. However one of biggest fears at the current moment is having someone try to mug me with a knife, because i know i'll most likely just let them stab me. i will tell them to just do it. So i dont travel alone in the dark anymore. i always make excuses to stay round peoples houses. i just dont trust myself.
See i felt like this back in November. But in December i felt so much better. December was a good month. I went out with friends, I slept well. I went to parties and I enjoyed christmas and my birthday. Apart from a few breakdowns when drunk. December was awesome. But like after the first week of January I hit rock bottom again. No worse than rock bottom. This is the worst i have EVER felt. And the worse thing is, i have a feeling that this year is going have something really bad happen, i can just feel it. Like you know something bad is gonna happen. and i'm scared.
I'm scared of doing anything. Due to breakdowns and panic attacks at friends houses, they have a jist idea of whats going on. (I will send them this. so they can now know exactly how i feel). But i dont want to tell my mum, It will just be another thing for her to worry about and stress makes her illnesses worse. I dont want to go to a doctor because i'm currently doing one of the most biggest opportunities in acting one could dream of.
And That's the thing. There are people with so much worse lives off than me, what right do i have to be depressed or sad. I have a good life with people who love me and a job any actor would dream of. But still i feel like this. And it only makes me feel more pathetic.
And i just don't know what to do any more. I just don't know. My answer to everything is 'meh'. i just really don't know. And all i can say to people is "yeah I'm just tired, i'm fine"
I just don't know.
I don't know.
Okay now the problems.
I've always been pretty down with myself, had self-esteem issues and worried quite a bit. However the last year, especially the last month, has been like hell on earth. I've been having trouble sleeping a lot. The thing is, is when I'm alone with my thoughts I get so worried and end up feeling really depressed and cry into my pillow and usually involvepanic attack. I end up not sleeping and getting like 2/3 hours sleep a night, or lately none at all. Either that or if i have nothing planned the next day, I do the complete opposite and once i'm to point where i fall asleep do to my body just passing out i stay asleep for like 14-18 hours. And then I never get out of bed when i do wake up and just repeat that cycle.
What is the thoughts that I worry about? Well I do four things:
1. The main things I do is I play out future things in my head. I will play out a situation in my head but for some reason it will always go bad. I will then play it out again, but this time do it differently, but it still ends up negatively. And i will play it over and over hundreds of time and every time it will go the wrong freaking way. And i go back and i wonder why did this happen. So i start listing what i did wrong, what my fault was. And it makes me feel useless and meaningless. pointless. What is the point in trying if it's just gonna **** up anyway, what's the point in life if its just gonna end in pain. There's no point.
2. Another thing is that i just list out all my faults. I just list everything i hate about myself. I know i don't have any good qualities, but that doesn't mean I need to constantly have my head filled with everything bad that I am.
3. Also I playback old experiences and try and do them differently. I worry about 'what if'. And these what if's just get rambled up in my brain. i play it 500 different ways all at once.
4. The other and most terrifying thing is i will imagine future stuff happening. But really traumatic stuff. Not physical pain. Physical pain does nothing to me. it's the emotional trauma i see. A recurring one is getting a phone call in various places saying that my mother has died.
Now I have all four of these things going on in my head and when im left alone, it all just boils up until it explodes. This usually happens when I'm alone with my thoughts for a while. Mostly when I'm trying to sleep. I'm now scared to be alone with my Thoughts. So i distract myself by watching movies or chatting to friends online. To the point where i physically can not keep my eyes open anymore and i fall asleep.
So when these thoughts get so full on and i cant cope anymore, my body starts shaking, i feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, my arms feel numb and i start crying. My friends told me this is what they call a panic attack. If it is due to all the anxiety overloading, then i usually go online and talk to my friend who has had panic attacks for years and she helps me calm down. If shes not there i cry into my pillow and try to deep breathe until it goes away. These usually last around 5-10 mins. However sometimes I get a panic attack completely out of the blue (usually at a house party) and these ones are a lot worse. The worse one yet was last Saturday. The shaking is a lot more severe, my entire body feels numb, and i need to get the panic out, i hit walls, i scream. It hurts my head. It feels like all the thoughts ive tried to keep hidden behind a door have broken through and are now creating havoc in my mind. These usually last around 20 mins. And they happen on and off for about an hour. They usually end up with me saying something like, "what is wrong with me/i'm so ****ed up/am i crazy." They are scary as shit. I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy. They're also embarrassing in front of my friends as it ruins there night. Drinking alcohol usually makes it worse. I get worried about having a panic attack at future events and the worrying about getting a panic attack makes me have a panic attack.
The constant fear i have is that all of my friends actually hate me, even though i have evidence to show that they love me. And when i do accept that, yes they DO love me, i start thinking that they will eventually see everything wrong with me and push me away. I push everyone I love away because i can't accept that people like me. i grew up believing that i was never gonna be liked/loved. that i would always be alone. and no matter how much I try and reassure myself I can't get around the fact that people actually like me. Because all those people in school, all those people ive met in life, they must of hated me for a reason, i must have been doing something wrong to have been hated by both everyone in primary and secondary. i hate myself so why would anyone else like me. If i cant think of anything good about myself then how can anyone else. So i'm scared of my friends finding out that i'm not actually a nice person. i am just the annoying person that everyone hates. i'm just flawed in every way. And it's not long before this fairytale comes to an end. Because i don't want to lose the best people i've ever met, my favourite people in the world.
I get so worked up over the fact that i'm never going to fall in love. i've already excepted that i'm never gonna have 'the one'. that i will die alone. But still it upsets me. Rom-coms make me cry, not because of sad or happy moments but because it's something i know i'll never have. And seeing happy couples only increases my worry and and thought proccess.
i get increasingly worried about how people will respond to my sexuality. i am bisexual, however i like girls more. i'm a 2 on the kinsey scale if you use that. I have this fear of everyone hating me because i like guys aswell and that they will all ignore me. i know this isnt true but still it goes through my mind constantly.
Suicide. i know i'd never do it for one reason, because my mum needs me. She was diagnosed with a new autoimmune disorder called Devics Disease. It has paralysed her from the chest downwards. My brother and sister are utter ****s and dont help in anyway. They make her cry, thy disobey her and they treat her like shit. So every single time the thought of suicide has come in to my brain, my mother comes into thought and i know i wouldn't do that to her. Because i have to be there for her, to comfort her, to make her feel better. Because i'm the only one she has left. I can see how happy she is when i come home for the weekend.
These thoughts of suicide. They come up as that like voice in the back of your head. When i'm on the platform waiting for a train a little voice says "go on jump, there's no point, you're worthless anyway". The same when i'm crossing the road, when i'm waiting for a bus. When i see a packet or tub of pills, I hear "just jug them down go on, go to sleep and not wake up". I see a knife and I want to stab myself. I want to cut myself. There's been many times that I picked up a knife or a razor and just stroked it across my skin. Not enough pressure to actual cut, just to feel the blade caress my flesh. The cold metal against my skin. The fact that one little bit of effort and i could cut enough to bleed to death. I used to ,back in secondary school, when running baths, not use the cold tap. It would be only the hot tap. The bath would be near boiling. Not enough to leave permanent scars. And i'd slowly get into it. My skin would go really red . But it was that it went numb. It was the numbness i liked. My body felt like my mind. And the pain was a distraction, a punishment for being a disgrace of a human being. These thoughts, these actions. Normal people don't do this. i was once occidentally sent a video of someone getting run over, instead of blocking the person and leaving the site. i stayed on that site for about 4 hours, watching video after video of people getting run over, cars crashing, people shooting themselves. No words. Nothing else. just watch, next, watch, next. No thoughts, just watching. Just numb. I have the same feeling when on my dark Tumblr (tumblr account for where i post anxiety/suicidal thoughts stuff). This isn't what normal people do. What the **** is wrong with me? Like what.
I've been mugged probably over 20 times in my life. i grew up in east london and i'm the typical nerdy kid. i've been doing parkour and dancing since i was tiny so i could most likely run away pretty easily. However one of biggest fears at the current moment is having someone try to mug me with a knife, because i know i'll most likely just let them stab me. i will tell them to just do it. So i dont travel alone in the dark anymore. i always make excuses to stay round peoples houses. i just dont trust myself.
See i felt like this back in November. But in December i felt so much better. December was a good month. I went out with friends, I slept well. I went to parties and I enjoyed christmas and my birthday. Apart from a few breakdowns when drunk. December was awesome. But like after the first week of January I hit rock bottom again. No worse than rock bottom. This is the worst i have EVER felt. And the worse thing is, i have a feeling that this year is going have something really bad happen, i can just feel it. Like you know something bad is gonna happen. and i'm scared.
I'm scared of doing anything. Due to breakdowns and panic attacks at friends houses, they have a jist idea of whats going on. (I will send them this. so they can now know exactly how i feel). But i dont want to tell my mum, It will just be another thing for her to worry about and stress makes her illnesses worse. I dont want to go to a doctor because i'm currently doing one of the most biggest opportunities in acting one could dream of.
And That's the thing. There are people with so much worse lives off than me, what right do i have to be depressed or sad. I have a good life with people who love me and a job any actor would dream of. But still i feel like this. And it only makes me feel more pathetic.
And i just don't know what to do any more. I just don't know. My answer to everything is 'meh'. i just really don't know. And all i can say to people is "yeah I'm just tired, i'm fine"
I just don't know.
I don't know.