I am an evil person:-(

[allalone]

I dont actually feel as if I know myself anymore :-( That's the only way to describe it. I am mot happy with past thoughts I've had. Scared about the fact that I am evil and that I'm not an empathetic person. I really want to be kind though. I've had horrible intrusive thoughts before but what is disturbing me is that I am frightened that in the past I've been unkind. I think back to past events and my lack of empathy and sympathy during some events. I was in car when my friend crashed it and I remember nearly laughing...not sure if this was shock or if I am just horrible. I was nice to her afterwards. Then on hearing that a person who id briefly met had committed suicide I was shocked when reading on facebook and sad then I thought it wasn't him and it was like I was disappointed. Although im not sure if I am just making this thought up now. When I read it I cried and wrote a nice message to his wife. I ts like there is a hprrible side to me and I am ashamed. I so want to be good. Im frightened as will go to hell :-( Dont know what to do as can't change past thoughts.

[LunaLiuna]

Dont know what to do as can't change past thoughts.

Hey allalone,

I want to say firstly that you are not an evil person. If you were evil you would not want to be kind.

By any chance are you religious in any way? I see you mentioned hell..

For the past three years I've had this problem, because I wanted to be 'good' I would violently lash out at all the bad things that I did/thought, the more I did this the more they came up until I fell.

I quoted what you said because you are still good, you always will be. Bring all of your attention into the present, you cannot change the past. Focus on being good now. You can do it :)

If you need any help feel free to message me, I've honestly had this problem for so long now.