anxiety-depression cycle

[W.I.F.T.S.]

I've pretty much always suffered from depression and I've always been quite nervy and timid, but I've never had full blown generalised anxiety like I have done for the last 4 years before.

In a strange way I'm glad that it's come out because now I know what I'm dealing with. I always used to be envious of people who travelled, but felt that I could never do it myself because it would be too scary...still do. I used to hang back and live vicariously- getting my little bit of enjoyment from watching other people having fun. I loved sport and art at school, but once I left I hardly did anything at all. I followed in my dad's footsteps of spending my time either in bed, in the pub, in front of the tv or on the computer. I dreamt of becoming a screenwriter, but I wouldn't write anything...."right now I'm soaking up experiences to write about when I'm ready". I put everything off until later in life "when I'm more confident and settled".

What am I so scared of? I'm scared of failure, I'm scared of success. I can't comprehend the world, life, my body, my mind....I feel overwhelmed, alone and adrift. My life literally seems like trying to trek the himilayas in flip flops and carrying a dead donkey on my back!! I'm exhausted. I try to be proactive to get myself out of the depression. It doesn't work, but I do so much that I wear myself out. I'm getting about 4 hours sleep a night at the minute. No joke, the bags under my eyes are nearly down to the end of my nose!!

I've never known anything as hard as this before. I'm giving my all: going to the gym, eating well, reading, organising large events for charity, running sports teams.... and it doesn't even seem to be enough to stand still, never mind going forwards.

I really do try hard to coach myself with positivity, but it's so, so hard. I look like someone with the weight of the world on their shoulders. I really do try to look for the positive in everything (obviously i don't succeed), but I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of death, fear, dread, hopelessness. I've got an interview tomorrow for a really good job at my old high school and I keep thinking things like "I'll work there and it will make me think that everyone that I went to school with has moved on and you can't leave your tiny, little comfort zone". I do find nostalgia very, very depressing.

The job would be excellent...it would make good use of my degree, which I haven't used for years, it's right on my door step, the hours and time off are obviously fantastic and that would fit in perfectly with my football coaching. I don't really think I'll get it though. I must be one of the leading candidates on paper, but I'll probably end up sabotaging myself because it could make me really happy. I'm worrying already that if I got the job I'd have a bad attitude and turn up late or not do the work properly. What's wrong with me? Why can't I let myself be happy?

i was 10 minutes late for work yesterday and today I really wanted to make sure that I was on time. i was still about 3 mins late!! It frustrates me sooooooooo much that it's so difficult to manage myself and to have a good attitude.

I know I haven't been on here for a while and there is loads that I could say about how I'm doing....it's good-bad rather than plain bad. In some ways I feel like I could be on the brink of the happiest time of my life if i can get the physical symptoms to calm down. On the other hand I just went out to the shed in the dark and I felt quite freaked out....i think a lot of it is exhaustion, plus feeling off from having an infected wisdom tooth, plus not being so hot to begin with.

What I really want to say though is that I know that I won't always be so depressed...i might even be happy (although that's hard to imagine)...I might really relax and my fear threshold might rise....it is hard for me though because I think back to times when things were going pretty well and i still wasn't right. the pinnacle of my media career was working on a film. For some god-known reason, i decided that that was a good time to start

[PanickyPolly]

Hi WIFTS

I know what you're going through...I get sleepless nights too and often think about death...in fact...I'm pretty convinced 'm going to die soon. I've been convinced I'd die young ever since I was 13 years old. I'm alone too. Have no fmaily or friends and often go for weeks I don't see a soul. I've tried EVERYTHING and nothing helps. At the moment I'm workin part time from home and that's teh only thing that keeps me from suicidal tendencies. In other ways though I'm much worse.

[Piglet]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">My life literally seems like trying to trek the himilayas in flip flops and carrying a dead donkey on my back!!</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

:D I expect this will make many smile as it did me!



<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I do find nostalgia very, very depressing.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Snap - I have a total love hate relationship with it too!!


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> In some ways I feel like I could be on the brink of the happiest time of my life if i can get the physical symptoms to calm down. On the other hand I just went out to the shed in the dark and I felt quite freaked out</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Snap again! :)

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> Anyway, I had to send a cable over a wall and I could have checked to see if anyone was there and fed it over, but the devil in me decided to throw it over without checking and it hit someone in the eye!!! What's that all about? I am actually a very conscientious person.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Lots of us have been there hun - we are not all perfect a 100% of the time or even close!


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">I think that one of the reasons that I've always been so depressed is because i want to live life to the full, but I'm frozen stiff with fear. I'd love to see the world, but I've barely left my home town in months and months. The anxiety creates the depression, because I feel very limited, which creates more anxiety..... it is horrendous.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Another snap (am I winning yet) ?


<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> I'm not even sure whether I genuinely feel this way or whether I'm feeling like this because I'm depressed. I don't know whether I'm seriously mentally ill and cursed to have a miserable life or whether it's the anxiety and depression that have been severe, but once that settles down I'll be fine again.</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

No you are not seriously mentally ill :D:D - perhaps a touch ponderous maybe. A great problem of mine is this - I suit doing, rather than thinking, on the whole!

You go for that job hun and good luck to you.

All the very best

Love Piglet :)

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Ever seen the film Bewitched? Dudley Moore sells his soul to the devil in return for wishes and the devil comes up with craftier and craftier ways of turning his dreams into nightmares!! (Very good film by the way).

My work life seems to be very much like that. I got down to the last 3 once for a job at Granada television, which would have been perfect. I also got down to the final couple for a job in Alderley Edge where they have their own pub, football pitches and restaurant on site. I was fasttracked to a second interview and at the end of that I was asked "is there anything that could possibly stop you working for us?". I was convinced that I'd got the job, but then they called to say that they wanted to do a third round of interviews. I guess that they interviewed someone after me that made them think twice.

Today, there was meant to be 3 of us, but one guy didn't turn up. "Result!" I thought. I knew most of the teachers from when I was there years ago and we had a fairly easy rapport, which must have made the other guy really nervous. I was pretty sure that I'd come out on top, but i could accept not getting the job because the other guy seemed pretty nice and the fact that he was doing the same job in a University obviously made him a strong candidate.

I was actually quite angry and shell-shocked when they said that neither of us had got the job and that they wanted to readvertise, but that we could apply again. They said that neither of us were particularly strong in the field of sound recording.

To be perfectly honest, I totally understand their decision. I was talking to the other guy while they were making their mind up and we were both saying how neither of us checked the boxes for all the things that they are looking for. I guess I'm just a bit upset, because it feels like I've been cheated. "I had a 50-50 chance of winning, you can't say that nobody wins!"

Straight after that I wrote them a letter underlining my case and saying how I would be prepared to attend a short course to cover any of my weaknesses. They called to say that they would reconsider me. I suppose it looks good that I'm keen and I've got the initiative to do that. Plus, maybe it saves them some face if they don't get anybody better and they have to come back to me.

The most annoying thing though, is that I keep getting so close to great jobs and not having quite enough to see myself over the finishing line. Obviously, I'm doing something right, it's just sooooooooo frustrating because I can imagine myself feeling so much better doing a job like that.

I don't think that I'm being negative, moany or hysterical about it. I'm trying to take it on the chin. Thankfully, I've got other plans....but it's just so hard nearly being able to get a job that could turn my life around. I might only spot a job like this once a year. I'm so hard to please, but I really think that a job like that would make me so much happier.

Sigh! I do feel blocked off by the cosmos from having any happiness. maybe i'm a sheep and fate/karma is a sheep dog and it's trying to get me down a certain path? Maybe it is doing the right thing for me, who knows?

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[W.I.F.T.S.]

One point about nostalgia. I live in a fairly small town in the north and before I had any friends of my own I used to go out with my dad to working men's clubs...etc. The music, the decor, the hairstyles.....seriously, it's about 30 years behind the times. I felt relieved to see my dad's mate, who's a 1996 indie lad! lmao

It's very Peter Kay around here....aunty maureen dancing around her handbag at a wedding sort of thing. I just want to be young, trendy and urbane!!! lol

Oh and the radio station that we have on at work plays nothing after about 1987.... I can't cope with living in the past all the time.

Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[matilda]

You must live near Didsbury!!!!

[Piglet]

No wonder you make me laugh (another northerner here although I've decamped to the south now where they have very fine rain - you know the sort, soaks you right through ;)).

Maybe we should swap hun, cos everything you've said makes me love the place and immediately makes me want to run home and drink some sarsparilla off Blackburn market and stuff me face with potato cakes.

Enjoy!!! [Yeah!]

Piglet :):):)

[PITITA]

Hi W.I.F.T.S. :)

I think you are very good at writing, don't stop! You don't need to wait for anything, you can start writing now :) Write a script, a book or anything that comes to mind because you are creative. Or just write articles for us and let us know how you feel, because its a pleasure to be reading them :)

As for your posts, I can relate to it in so many levels. One thing you could do is try and make a list of all the good things in your life that you are truly greatful for...for example you could count it in your blessings to be creative....etc. and whenever you feel really low and depressed keep telling yourself that you are in fact very lucky. That is what I keep doing and it seems to help me a lot.

I believe that job you applying for will be yours eventually!

Love and Peace,
Anita xxx

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Thanks for your comments guys. Made me smile.

Piglet, I'd happily swap with you. I'm a born and bread northerner, who lived down south for about 4 years and always felt more at home down there. Infact, for a long time when I've been depressed it has been because I've had a desperate yearning to be down south.

I often wonder why people want to live round here. Why don't they want to live in the city?

I know it's depression and probably based on the "I told you so attitude" of my family, but it just feels like whatever route I go down, wherever I go I'm going to get out of my depth, feeling uncomfortable and like I don't belong and in a mess. I know that that is classic depression, not wanting to do anything. It's always my fear threshold being so low. I do keep trying doing things to face my fears, but I don't enjoy doing it, so it doesn't make it any easier the next time.

I was trying to imagine parachuting today. I can imagine being absolutely hysterical and screaming my head off to begin with, but then you must think "hang on, this isn't so bad" and start to get into it and then it's over all too quickly. I keep trying to get into that mentality for day to day life.

I am starting to accept that I have good and bad points just the same as everyone else. That old saying, "the definition of madness is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". I'm now doing things that I've never done before, things that I maybe wouldn't have expected of myself, surprising myself and that's pretty exciting.

One of the teachers who interviewed my yesterday said "so, what have you been up to?". "Oh, I lived in London for a bit." I said. "That's a bit brave for you!" she replied. Was I really that shy and nervous at school?

People keep asking me "if you're not getting paid for volunteering, why are you doing it?." That really annoys me. I know I'm pushing myself, but I can't imagine not doing these things now. I really like being busy, learning new skills, meeting new people, achieving things.....

Anyways....thanks for responding guys xx



Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

[PITITA]

Hi W.I.F.T.S :)

I think its great you are volunteering, and those people who ask you why you are doing it if you don't get paid do not understand the whole point of volunteering ;) So don't worry about there silly questions.

See? It IS brave to you to live in London for a bit, as it proves to you that a lot of people find it exciting and aren't perhaps as brave as you are :)

I can so relate to the " I told you so attitude". I could never handle my father always trying to put me down and make me feel bad about my "poor" choices, but I decided to be my own person and not to give a d*mn whether he likes my choices or not. It was hard work and it took time, but I feel I am slowly slowly losing the grip that he has always had on me as a child.

I was posting here earlier that I was feeling happier somehow lately, and just after I did that did I realize that I am actually feeling a bit lethargic and perhaps empty, lost...something along those lines. Today I was feeling a bit anxious for no apparent reason but I am gonna try to keep busy over the weekend to avoid panicking too much.

Good Luck with the job, I have a good feeling that you'll get it.

Love and Peace
Anita xxx

"If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you're guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn't YOU its- its the crazy lenses you are wearing! " Feeling Good handbook

[feege]

Hi WIFTS

I came on here today in such a bleak mood and dumped a post feeling very sorry for myself and then noticed yours - I have read some of your posts before but reading this one really cheered me up! Sorry - that's not very sensitive of me is it!!!

Somehow, the way you write and what you say (well and Piglet but she knows how much I love her ways:D) just resonates with me so much. I remember I used to drink in a pub with a group of regulars and we called ourselves 'over-analysers anonymous' Lol!!!

Thank you so much for reminding me to look for my sense of humour - I seem to have mislaid it in the struggle to be calm, positive, accepting, etc. etc.

My life is a hell of a struggle at the moment - single at 52 (dumped by husband of nearly 20 years 10 years ago and done the toy boy thing since but in Brighton - trust me I could be Jane Fonda or Goldie Hawn and you couldn't find me a single straight man here over 40 lol!), with a mortgage and a job at the Council (ugh - I was in the music business for years, did some journalism, been a really dynamic type over the years - now just hold onto a part-time admin job!), an 85 year oldmother who needs a fair bit of support, my only son's wife has leukaemia and had a bone marrow transplant a week ago yesterday and has been ill for 2.5 years - so tough, and a list of ailments of my own that include ME, hiatus hernia, duodenitis, kidney tumour (benign osensibly), shingles, some sort of dermatitis and a few others (even I can't remember them lol!).

On the plus side a have a fab dog - poodle/collie cross - that keeps me company and helps me socialise.

But I can honestly say that depression/anxiety are the most disabling things in the world and the tendency to beat ourselves up is all part and parcel!

You sound so nice, interesting, funny, sharp and you also sound like you are doing loads of things to get yourself out of the situation but ffs give yourself a break! You obviously have an 'inner voice' giving you a right hard time!

I can relate to what you say about where you live too strangely - I just wonder why we would choose to live in this country at all when we could live somewhere warmer and sunnier and more laid back altogether but obviously it's not where you live physically is it!! Brighton is a fantastic place and I love it but it doesn't stop me from being stuck in the bermuda triangle of my little world of 'safe' places. I too soooo want to live life to the full, I have hardly travelled at all and am afraid I never will because of my fear of flying.

But we never know what is round the corner and it really could be good - and someone like you who is pushing so hard is so much more likely to meet the good stuff!!!

I hope you get the job and love it but if not I bet it's only cos it's not good enough for you!!!

Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[W.I.F.T.S.]

Thanks for your feedback guys, that's really, really cheered me up. I know that I've got nothing to complain about and that is one of the most frustrating and scary things, because it makes me feel concerned that if I can't cope now, what will I be like when something bad really does happen?

As far as the job goes i was a bit naughty. once i realised that they were only interviewing two of us I tried to 'bury' the other guy by being very familiar with the teachers. We both had to have lunch with about 3 teachers and I was getting on great with them and then they turned their attention to this other guy and he practically sent them to sleep!! I thought I'll keep quiet so that you can practically hear the tumbleweed! lmao

After that, I thought "I've got to be in here!". i thought that I'd eventually cracked it and that I'd have a job that i could really enjoy. I was prepared for them to give the job to the other guy because, afterall, he is working as a media technician already at a uni, but I was shell shocked when they decided to give it to nobody.

I think I've already mentioned that I dropped a letter in at the school in the afternoon thanking them for seeing me, stating my audio experience and asking to be considered for the job again.

Since then, I've emailed the personnel lady offering to come in and work with the music teacher voluntarily for a couple of weeks until interviews come round again. I know that there's being keen, enthusiastic, full of initiative and going the extra mile...but I don't want to come across as obsessive. Do you know what I mean? I think that there's a fine line. I'm not sure if I reacted angrily when they said that they weren't going to give the job to either of us, so they may already have me down as a bit of a nut case lmao

Talking of temper...we've got a new team leader in my crappy temp job and I got on really well with her for about a week, although she kept saying "I can be a bitch too". Then one day her attitude just totally changed. There is a czech guy there called Thomas, who is very bright academically, but very slow and ponderous with his work- he is often the scape goat and I think that she actually HATES him cos he's not so quick. Well, the way she has been talking to me the last few days is as if I'm something that dropped out of Thomas's arse!!! roblmao i thought that to myself and it really made myself grin, so I keep thinking it whenever she pisses me off.

I went to check how we were getting on with something and she shouted at me "get back on thet celery, that's none of your business!!". I nearly said "I'm only trying to help and use a bit of initiative", but I thought what's the point? now I try not to talk to her if I can at all avoid it. I go and ask her for labels and she talks to me as if she has already told me 6 times where they are. It's not even general stress cos she laughs and jokes with other people, she's just decided to victimise me. I really nearly walked out today. Good, job I'm only there for another week anyway. The thing that really gets me though is that it's such bad man-management. We were working really well and she changes and becomes a complete bitch and it doesn't make the job get done any quicker, if anything I slow down out of resentment towards her. No need!

I have a real thing about people talking to me in a command "get that", "do this", "put that there". It's just sooooooo rude. Atleast say please and thank you or phrase it as a question.

With regards to my life, I really feel like I need to be part of something. With my football coaching I'll hopefully have the opportunity to travel, atleast to different towns for matches. If I can get in at the school then I'd love to go on some of their trips....the art teacher was talking about a field trip to manchester. And with my social stuff, I'd love to go paintballing, watersports, munich beer festival.....I really want to get out there and live life and hopefully I can do it through these things, because I can't see me doing them by myself.

By the way, feege for the

[feege]

lol WIFTS I could tell you were a mere whipper-snapper.... ;)

There are no quick fixes to depression and anxiety so don't put all your hopes on the job but it could be a really good stepping stone for you...

Off to watch X-factor. Yup ain't saturday nights grand!:)

(ps I'm feeling much better than earlier. no accounting for it sometimes!)

Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com

Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!

[matt1981]

I feel like you too WIFTS at the moment I am really feeling unhappy I have been on and off for a year. I have started an access course in social sciences which will lead me to university but i feel so anxious and afraid of it. iv been there 2 months now I keep thinking what if it isn't the right course then I wanna leave then I think ill be back to square one if i do. I am like you I seem to be almost stopping myself from being happy so I know how u feel. Take Care.

[looking4answers]

Hey,

I know this is a little late but I read your post and realized that i was in the same fix years ago as i was young.I turned down so many places to go and things to do because i was afraid..I sat and heard stories about people that enjoyed life with no fear.I admired them and thought Ill never be able to do that.I was married...for many many years in a marriage that wasn't good.I stayed because i was afraid to leave..it was comfortable...and also didn't want my children to grow up like I did without a dad.As years progressed and things went on..my children grew up.My mother.. my stability died...my brother had a sudden massive cornary before that from a hidden heart condition .. and most of my aunts and uncles were gone..all died..but most of them were elderly when i was born..I felt all alone.. my wife was abusive my children gone...and life was so nothing to me.. One day about a year after my mother died..I woke and was angry .. I was so angry about my life and the waste of it.. I was angry at God..angry at my wife and angry the most with myself.I swore i would never be afraid again..I got up made plans and left my wife to her shock and moved all way across the country by myself..My friends were all in shock and couldn't believe I would do something like that.I had lost the fear of fear.. and that was so not me.I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died..I traveled on a whelm and have been in almost all the united states alone..i have visited places I never thought of and pushed the envelope hoping for my dismise..I also started climbing mountains and making my heart beat until it would almost come out of my chest..thus trying to make myself have a heart attack..it didn't only made my heart stronger.. I drove like a madman trying to push the limit..and actually found thrills that i never thought I would experience..Anyway to make my point I had to get angry enough with myself to cause myself not to care whether i was alive or dead but lived a life that I had never dreamed of..I have been around the world and all over my native country..done things with people that I never thought I could..Lived my life on the edge for so many years then i met a woman I fell madley in love with and found a sense of home that I hadn't had since i was a child..I didn't at the time become anxious but over the time that I became attached to that life and realized that I didn't want to leave it..I guess the buddist are right when they say that attachment causes fear..i didn't realize I was changing and then one day katrina hit.. I didn't lose the courage I had and we made if fine..We moved to a remote place where i wasn't so busy and had time to think about all the things that had taken place over the years.. I started getting depressed thinking I was happy and safe in this place..and really started getting attached here..then i started feeling depression...and anxiety set in .. It reversed everything that I had found in the past years.. I was fearless and then attachment set in and I lost my courage..I have often thought about the things I did on when i had no fear and wondered how I could have done them,and also even shuttered to think of the mulitude of things I did that could have killed me.. but I made it.. But now im back to being as I was as a child..I am afraid to travel..I am afraid that im going to die.Im afraid that something bad is always going to happen..and just afraid..The biggest thing that I feel that made me fearless was that I just didn't care about anything or anyone for a long time..then I started caring but was still fearless.. so I don't know if I would say stop caring about anything or anyone and be fearless or just try to take one day at a time and look fear in the face and try to say no to it..I wonder sometimes why I have fear after so many years of not having it.. but have come to the conclusion that I don't want to leave this place i love nor the nurturing family that I have been blessed with nor the things that we have accumulated.. i just have to work hard to cope with fear of life and its outcomes..