View Full Version : Husband has cheated again
Hi, I'm new here and just wanted some help and support really.
My husband has been unfaithfull with a colleague, he wasn't going to tell me but I found out by accident. I had no idea this was going on. It was purely sex (so he says) and last a couple of months. He did the same thing 10 years ago but was move involved and we seperated for 18 months. I was extremelly distraught when it happened the first time and had to have councilling and anti depressant tablets to help me though. I am stronger this time and it helps knowing that he is so sorry and scared I will leave him. This all happened at the end of the summer and we have been to Relate and working through things quite well but I wonder if I will ever get over it. The imagies I have in my head NEVER go away, it's almost like a film going round and round in my head. It makes me so angry and sad at times and I feel I just want to punish my husband for being so stupid. He is so sorry and being a perfect husband, so kind, loving and understanding, in fact everything I've every wanted in a husband. Are my feelings and thoughts normal even though it all happened 6 months ago?
I would love to hear from any of you.
Perfectly normal, why wouldn't they be?? You have to ask yourself 'how many times can you put up with it'?
Be strong, your in the driving seat. Good luck and I hope they work out how you want them too.
I think your feelings are normal and not many women would be as forgiving as you have been. Personally for me, once I may forgive him but twice and I would show him the door! You say you are going to RELATE so I hope that helps you to work things out. As for will you ever get over it, well only you can answer that. I am not sure that I would ever be able to trust him again if he was my husband and a relationship without trust is not a good one. I wish there was more I could say to help you but only you can really say what the way forward is from here but whatever decision you make I am sure there will be people to support you through it.
Perfectly normal, why wouldn't they be?? You have to ask yourself 'how many times can you put up with it'?
Be strong, your in the driving seat. Good luck and I hope they work out how you want them too.
wise words here :)
Couldn't have said it better than KLP.
Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. I do feel as though I'm in the dirivng seat but I'm just so muddled and hurt. Although I know he would never do anything to hurt me now and has promised he will never be unfaithful again I just worry if he will still feel the same in 2 years time, 5 years time etc etc. I have to live with it I guess, I love him so much and just can imagine life without him x
It's natural to be muddles and hurt. My gosh he's done the most hurtful thing that anybody could do to another. If your willing to 'put up' then, you'll have to accept and carry the heart ache of him maybe reversing his currently promise. Sorry if I'm coming across stern, but self respect and love for ones self is more important than what another may or may not do.
Hi Susie, just wanted to say all your feelings and emotions are perfectly normal.
I don't know enough about your marriage to give a more detailed response but from what you've written maybe you should think about the following:
1) If your husband loved you as much as you love him then why has he cheated twice? Once may be understandable - surely he saw how it affected you the first time, why would he put you through that again?
2) Did you need anti-depressants before he cheated on you 10 years ago?
3) If you stay with him will this increase your anxiety and insecurity?
4) Are you scared to leave him?
5) If you forgive him again, will he see that as a green light for cheating again?
6) What excuses did he give for cheating? Has he blamed you?
7) Do you have children? How is this affecting them?
8) Is he a supportive husband? Does he treat you well (apart from cheating obviously).
You may be in two minds about what to do, may I suggest that you start thinking about squirreling away some money in case you do split. Also start thinking about where you will live - If you want to stay at your current property then can he afford to leave? If you decide to kick him out but don't want a confrontation then when he leaves for work change all the locks - When he arrives home call the Police. He will have no further right to enter the home. Be fair though and give him all his possessions.
There are two sides to every story so I won't comment further.
Good luck.
Having been where you've been, I understand the hurt. A violation of trust from a significant other is the deepest of hurts and one that is the most difficult to heal.
I personally was unable to reconcile the situation once so your strength and resolve are admirable. I had no other reasons or factors to consider so I was gone.
Best wishes to you. May you find peace in whatever you decide.
Positive thoughts
Hi Susie,I know you must be hurt,but if that was my husband I would give him the boot after the first affair let alone the second.
Petra x
KLP - You're not coming across stern, I wish I had your positiveness. I try to see all the good things I have to offer, I'm constantly told how attractive I am, I'm fit, petite and very fashionable even though I'm in my fifties. It doesn't help that my husband is 9 years younger than me (and dresses even younger than his years if I'm honest) x
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Gypcyg - I often ask myself how someone who loves another can cause them so much hurt and pain. I had to take anti depressent tablets many years ago when I suddenly lost my father and sister. I do suffer with health anxiety from time to time and think this is caused by my father and sister dying so suddenly from heart attacks (my sister was only 41). I'm scared how I will manage emotionally if I left him, I love and fancy him so much. I have grown up married daughters (this is a second marriage for both of us). x
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Thank you Fishmanpa and blue moon - wish I could be more like you :) x
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