Catherine84
21-02-14, 21:57
As some of you are aware, I was admitted to an alcohol rehab centre around mid-January, where I stayed for three weeks.
When I was discharged, I went to the GP, who prescribed a short-term dose of Diazepam and 75mg Pregabalin for more long-term usage. I am taking the Pregabalin once a day for a week, then increasing it to twice a day (morning and evening) after that. I have taken four doses so far, so only another three to go before I can increase the dose.
On the other hand, the GP wants me to taper off the Diazepam (I am aware it's very addictive) at a rate of 2mg a day or every other day if this affected my anxiety too much. She gave me three boxes of 28 x 2mg tablets. This was nearly two weeks ago.
I had a very bad domestic with my partner last weekend, as the giving up alcohol was really taking its toll on me and my anxiety had hit the roof. I had a panic attack around my breathing in the car and flipped. The result when we arrived at our destination was an argument and fight. I felt suicidal at this point, and as soon as we got home, I necked a load of the Diazepam (probably about 20mg in one go) and went to bed.
My main problem now is that I don't have enough to taper safely. I was on about 30mg a day and had managed to get this down to 18mg a day before the 'incident'. I phoned the GP, who said she would give me 10 more tablets, but that is it until my appointment next Tuesday. I have 14 tablets left (so 28mg), and tend to take my highest dose (8mg) before bed to help me sleep. I have worked out that this means I can only take 9mg a day, and she wants me down to 6mg a day by next Tuesday, the date of my appointment. I am beside myself with panic, and don't know what to do. I tried ringing a different GP today, as mine wasn't on duty, but they refused to give me any more, despite explaining the tapering schedule, and my parents/partner being willing to lock it away and strictly control it.
I am also moving house this weekend, so all the medication being changed and reduced couldn't have come at at a worse time. I'm buried under a mountain of shite, and I just utterly have lost the will to live. The Pregabalin doesn't seem to be doing anything for my anxiety, but I have heard it can take a while. I don't know how I am going to be able to move with my breathing OCD being so bad and just want to disappear from existance.
I got so desperate and anxious tonight, that I made my way down to the corner shop for a bottle of wine (I've been dry nearly 6 weeks - very stupid), but luckily my father came running after me and stopped me. I guess he could have saved my life. I had some Diazepam about midday, so having the wine could have killed me.
I hate being sober. I'm just a 'dry drunk'. It's no fun. I would love to be able to just sit in a restaurant with a glass of wine with my partner, like everyone else, or sit in front of a film at home with a glass or two, having not drank all week, as is the pattern with most 'moderate' drinkers. Or even *gasp* occasionally consume more, if it is a special occasion like a wedding or party. I am very introverted, and I used to rely on being tipsy (not drunk) to get me on the dancefloor. I know I shouldn't have to, but it is just my personality and I am very self-consicious. I hate my anxiety condition for changing things down the line that made me need it, every day, eventually 24/7. I asked my partner to get my prescription for me today, just so I didn't have to witness everyone buying their Friday wine. I know if I have a glass, the tension would dissipate in an instant, I would moderate for a few weeks, scared of a relapse, but fast forward a couple of months, and I'll be back in rehab, or worse, hospital. I go to AA meetings, and everyone is so nice, but I am always the youngest there by decades and feel I cannot connect with the whole 'higher power' thing, not being very religious myself.
My main worry is the Diazepam situation though, and how on earth I can cope with being aware of my breath 24/7 and my crippling anxiety once I come off it. I have had CBT, I'm currently seeing a psychotherapist, I've seen a psychiatrist, tried antidepressants (which make me feel like topping myself even more), and I am beside myself with desperation.
When I was discharged, I went to the GP, who prescribed a short-term dose of Diazepam and 75mg Pregabalin for more long-term usage. I am taking the Pregabalin once a day for a week, then increasing it to twice a day (morning and evening) after that. I have taken four doses so far, so only another three to go before I can increase the dose.
On the other hand, the GP wants me to taper off the Diazepam (I am aware it's very addictive) at a rate of 2mg a day or every other day if this affected my anxiety too much. She gave me three boxes of 28 x 2mg tablets. This was nearly two weeks ago.
I had a very bad domestic with my partner last weekend, as the giving up alcohol was really taking its toll on me and my anxiety had hit the roof. I had a panic attack around my breathing in the car and flipped. The result when we arrived at our destination was an argument and fight. I felt suicidal at this point, and as soon as we got home, I necked a load of the Diazepam (probably about 20mg in one go) and went to bed.
My main problem now is that I don't have enough to taper safely. I was on about 30mg a day and had managed to get this down to 18mg a day before the 'incident'. I phoned the GP, who said she would give me 10 more tablets, but that is it until my appointment next Tuesday. I have 14 tablets left (so 28mg), and tend to take my highest dose (8mg) before bed to help me sleep. I have worked out that this means I can only take 9mg a day, and she wants me down to 6mg a day by next Tuesday, the date of my appointment. I am beside myself with panic, and don't know what to do. I tried ringing a different GP today, as mine wasn't on duty, but they refused to give me any more, despite explaining the tapering schedule, and my parents/partner being willing to lock it away and strictly control it.
I am also moving house this weekend, so all the medication being changed and reduced couldn't have come at at a worse time. I'm buried under a mountain of shite, and I just utterly have lost the will to live. The Pregabalin doesn't seem to be doing anything for my anxiety, but I have heard it can take a while. I don't know how I am going to be able to move with my breathing OCD being so bad and just want to disappear from existance.
I got so desperate and anxious tonight, that I made my way down to the corner shop for a bottle of wine (I've been dry nearly 6 weeks - very stupid), but luckily my father came running after me and stopped me. I guess he could have saved my life. I had some Diazepam about midday, so having the wine could have killed me.
I hate being sober. I'm just a 'dry drunk'. It's no fun. I would love to be able to just sit in a restaurant with a glass of wine with my partner, like everyone else, or sit in front of a film at home with a glass or two, having not drank all week, as is the pattern with most 'moderate' drinkers. Or even *gasp* occasionally consume more, if it is a special occasion like a wedding or party. I am very introverted, and I used to rely on being tipsy (not drunk) to get me on the dancefloor. I know I shouldn't have to, but it is just my personality and I am very self-consicious. I hate my anxiety condition for changing things down the line that made me need it, every day, eventually 24/7. I asked my partner to get my prescription for me today, just so I didn't have to witness everyone buying their Friday wine. I know if I have a glass, the tension would dissipate in an instant, I would moderate for a few weeks, scared of a relapse, but fast forward a couple of months, and I'll be back in rehab, or worse, hospital. I go to AA meetings, and everyone is so nice, but I am always the youngest there by decades and feel I cannot connect with the whole 'higher power' thing, not being very religious myself.
My main worry is the Diazepam situation though, and how on earth I can cope with being aware of my breath 24/7 and my crippling anxiety once I come off it. I have had CBT, I'm currently seeing a psychotherapist, I've seen a psychiatrist, tried antidepressants (which make me feel like topping myself even more), and I am beside myself with desperation.