Anyone else feel sad about the way their mental health has changed their life?

[harasgenster]

Just wondering if I'm the only one to feel this way, but I think it's likely a few here will be able to relate.

I feel that I have recovered from anxiety (as a disorder), although I still have my overexaggerated stresses from time to time, but I've just been feeling extremely down recently about all of the things I've missed out on over the years.

At the moment, what's really hitting me is that I quit music when I was 19 (had played since I was 4) after a crisis of confidence. Recently, feeling a lot better, I've spent more time at gigs and talking to bands, and have been recording with my brother's project (although this is about to be made defunct) and I've just started to feel this huge loss.

I'm 27 now and those 8 years barely playing music have had a toll - I'm more than rusty, I'm practically a beginner again, and there is a lot I still had to learn about composition and playing in a band when I was 19, which obviously I still have not learned. It's not that I ever wanted to be a 'rock star', it's more that since recovery and doing more of the things I used to enjoy (and being involved with the music scene has been fantastic - I really feel 'myself' again when I'm there), I feel an incredible sense of loss of all the fun I could have been having had I never quit, and all the great people I would have met, and the progression I could have made in music, which would have meant I would be a much better player now and I would have the option of starting a band of my own.

These things keep hitting me, I suppose, particularly as while I was ill I didn't have the capacity to keep everything up so I just focused on the essentials - day job to pay the bills etc. - and dropped everything that was actually meaningful to me. This means that I now have what other people would think was a relatively good job (well paid etc), but I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I would never, ever have chosen to go into the career I'm now in (out of necessity) - and for good reason, as I find it pointless and dull.

I think I'm at a point now where I just need to change my life around, maybe make some massive changes (leaving the job next year once I'm more on my feet, for instance) to try and make my life more like one I would have chosen, but this huge sense of loss continues to come over me. I just feel really sad about it all!

Can anyone relate?

[Annie0904]

I was just saying earlier to my husband about staff trips to other countries that I could have gone on if I wasn't so anxious. There are many things I would have liked to have done but my anxiety has held me back. I guess though that there are others out there who have various illnesses, some terminal who have had even less opportunities to do things they want.
It is no use regretting what could have been or even what could be.
I just make the most of the things I am able to do and I know that there are others in a much worse position than I am so I appreciate the little things I can do.

[Tessar]

For me, I have mixed feelings. I am unhappy that my past was riddled with unhappiness but the journey I have been on the last 10yrs trying to rid myself of the hurt & to become a stronger person more able to stand up for myself... Well that's another story.
I have been to hell and back. Pushed away people i have loved. stopped doing things i love doing. but in coming back from dark places..... i have accomplished stuff that I doubt I'd have ever thought possible. If I hadn't had therapy & subsequently counselling, these things (some of them amazing & life changing) wouldn't have ever happened to me...... I wouldn't be where I am today.
Most importantly i found it possible to welcome back into my life those friends (and members of my family with whom I do get on).
Furthermore if I hadn't experienced mental health problems, I wouldn't be a member of this site & wouldn't have had the opportunity to make some great and very supportive friends on here.
So I think that it's kind of part of me now. It has coloured my life & continues at times to drag me down, but I will not give up. That is what I'd say to you Harasgenster (& anyone else who feels they aren't getting anywhere or that they need to make changes) even if it means takings risks of sorts.... You go for it. What people say is true. Life is too short. If there is a chance to pursue something you want to do ... then do it, go for it. Never give up. Keep going and going because that is the way to achieve things.........

[Col]

I sit and think - could I have just found the strength to go on that trip or just visit that friend BUT at that time of severe panic THE answer is NO I couldn't have done any of those things SO with a resounding absolute NO to these things I've missed ! I dont regret anything because I was absolultly at rock bottom & if there was a tiny minuscule chance I could ave done more over the years I would & the fact I didn't, speaks volumes.

Yep it's soul destroying being robbed by this affliction BUT think about those that won't ever walk again or talk etc - we might think our situations are bad & what weve missed but look towards things we have the oppertunity to embrace in future times to come!

:winks:

[SarahH]

Yes I do feel I have missed out.....BUT...there are many people far worse off than me.................I count my blessings:)

[Spondoolicks]

I get angry with my mental state because it is taking my children's mum away from them. I do hope though at the other end of this they will have an even stronger mum to make up for all that has been lost.

[Rennie1989]

My mental illness struck me when I was 13/14, and the sad thing is that I know no better. I've always been anxious and depressed and it affected my life as a teenager which has had a great affect on my adult life. I dropped out of uni and left jobs because of it, now I work as a cashier.

[loreen]

Yes, I feel I have missed out on things,and let my anxiety win.

I think I would be a better Mum and wife if I was confident, and would have enjoyed my children's assemblies, sports days etc if I could relax and not panic.

However, having mental health problems has made me a more compassionate and sensitive person. I would not want to change that. It would be nice to participate in things which most people find so easy to do. Sometimes I feel I am living life on the side line, watching everyone else have fun.

[robinsky]

I got bullied when I was younger which dented any confidence I might have had. School was fine and have lots of good memories there. It all went wrong at college.

Merciless bullying of a mental torture (very rarely physical and I do mean very rare).

Sometimes I feel I missed out on things and then realise I didn't miss out on much at all.

My problem is that I never feel I have been truly accepted as a person, even by my own family - I'm just different and proud to be that way, even if other people can't see that.

Just because the 'what if' comments go through your mind doesn't make you any more or less of a person if you didn't experience them, at least that's my opinion.

[harasgenster]

My mental illness struck me when I was 13/14, and the sad thing is that I know no better. I've always been anxious and depressed and it affected my life as a teenager which has had a great affect on my adult life. I dropped out of uni and left jobs because of it, now I work as a cashier.

This was the same age it struck me too, and I knew no other way either. Fortunately, I feel a greater assurance in myself and my own ideas now. I've spent my 20s battling with my mental health (and won!), as well as working hard and making all the 'responsible' decisions. That has got me nowhere in life - or rather it has, but it has got me to a place that other people would want me to be (my parents for instance) but where I feel unhappy and out of place. Now I'm going to start living for me.

Thank you for all your replies everybody. This disorder has affected everybody in such a number and variety of ways, and I think that it is sad, even though in many ways good things have come of it.

I agree with Tessar and Loreen that I feel a much stronger, wiser, more compassionate and much more appreciative person having been through it than if I had never been ill. I am able to appreciate the fact that everyday I wake up and I don't feel ill. That's something someone who was never ill will never be able to experience - and that appreciation for the simple things in life is something I think really benefits me. The therapy I've had has also really allowed me to become my own person and I feel like I'm now on the upward spiral - I learn lessons every day and I take them forward with me. I'm creating positive patterns in my life and my behaviour instead of negative ones. So all is good :)

I have, however, decided that it is quite healthy for me to be sad about this. I don't exactly regret it, because I needed time to get well and you're better off doing that when you're young (more life to enjoy that way!!) But it is sad for me that I missed out on certain things (not just the music but I didn't want to bang on about everything!). All is not lost, though, as I've got plenty of time to pick back up on the music and do whatever I want in my life.

I also think it's sad for everyone else to have missed out. I know there are people that are worse off than we are, and obviously it is sad for them too, but I think sometimes you do a disservice to yourself when you tell yourself to be grateful for your lot. I guess it's something I learned in therapy and try now to put into practice, but I think it's right to feel sad for yourself if you have suffered. That isn't quite the same as regret - regret won't help - but I think we can all feel a little bit sorry for ourselves at times and that will do us the world of good. It's all about feeling compassion for yourself, I think. I would feel sad for someone else if they missed out because of ill health, and I will feel sad for me. And when I've finished feeling sad, I'll pick myself back up and take some risks, and I'll change my life until it's the way I want it to be :D

(PS: Lent my brother my guitar years ago and never bothered to ask for it back - tonight I have asked if I can pick it up tomorrow. It begins here...)

[Fishmanpa]

As a musician, I can relate to what you're saying....

I played professionally for 15 years. I toured, recorded etc. I made a full time living in the business. Then, after my daughter was born, I decided to get out of the business as touring an the business in general wasn't conducive to family life. Besides, I was a bit burned out. So, for many years I hardly played. There was a period of a couple of years during and after my divorce I didn't even open my guitar case!

Fast forward to 2009. I hadn't performed publicly in 15 years. I played at home a little and at parties and church but not in a real public performance sense. I was persuaded to go to an open mic at a little place not too far from where I was living. It was a nice set-up. Good PA, cool atmosphere and relaxed feel. There were many players there from amateur to pro. The deal was 3 songs/15 minutes whichever came first. So I went and had a blast. I started going every week. A few months later the phone rang and it was someone who saw me play there and asked if I would perform at a 4th of July festival. I was like "really?"... and he said "Yes, really!" He said "we'll pay you $XXX".. I said "really?" and he said "yes, really!" Thus began a re-birth of my music. I played over 100 shows in 2011 and 2012. I was getting gigs mostly by word of mouth and could pick and choose which ones I took. I played 90% solo work and found a singing partner for a duo which consisted of the other 10%. It's been a joy! I recorded my first solo CD and released it in 2011. I missed 2013 entirely due to cancer but last night I performed for the first time in over a year and it was great! While I need to work my voice to gain more stamina, I'm very fortunate the cancer didn't take it from me. I'll be booking again for the Spring :) I have a real cush gig at the resorts in the Shenandoah National Park.... 1 set, 90 minutes, good $$$ and tip that fill my pockets with cash ;) I won't be doing 100 shows a year anymore but a few a month will make for a great time and some extra cash.

The point here is that if you're a musician, then music is in your blood. Yeah, you'll have to get your chops back and it will take some work but do it! Music is the healer of the heart and soul. I know for me, having gone through the physical illnesses has given me an insight and appreciation for life above and beyond what many experience. Your illness has given you much the same. My music has risen to another level as I'm able to express myself in ways I was unable to before. There's more "heart" in my playing and delivery. Moreso, it just feels good :) I'm sure you'll experience the same thing as you get your musical feet back under you.

It's never too late to start again. I will play and perform until I'm physically unable to. It's a huge part of who and what I am. You can regain the same thing. Go get that guitar and get to practicing!

Positive thoughts

[Pipkin]

Great thread - it's really interesting to read about another people's experiences and perspectives on their anxiety.

I could list many things that anxiety has taken away from me and spend time regretting what could have been. Just like the other posters, I've had some truly terrible times which I never want to experience again. At the same time and despite anxiety, I'm an eternal optimist and like to think about the positive qualities having a mental illness has given me, just as Tessar and Loreen have said.

Reading your story, I would say that your time as a musician is now, not back then. You've gained life experiences that will make you a better musician than you ever could have been before. True, you've missed out on time when you could have been practising and perfecting your practical skills. What you have now though is real substance to back up what you do.

I'm not in the least musical but I know that the best artists portray real emotion in their work and that only comes from experience, not sitting and practising technique. In other words, don't regret what might have been, recognise your ability and use your experiences in your music.

Good luck

Pip

[oh no_1]

yes i am sad and angry and lots of feelings about how it has affected my life, especially when my life used to be so.. well not like this :(
ARGHHHH it makes me so angry, so mad. my previous job makes me so mad for making me like this. Cant really explain on here much more. Private message me for more information.

[MrAndy]

I feel terribly sad about how I am,especially when it relates to close family and work.I only want a simple life and enjoy the things I used too.

[Kim51]

I think I feel more angry than sad although there is a degree of sadness in there, my mother said to me last year because of this we have lost our daughter and the children have lost their mum, that made me feel very sad. But we have to keep fighting on, a very dear friend of mine has just had a bowel tumour removed and now is facing chemo etc and everyday I remind myself I'm just scared of life and that's no where near as bad :)

[blue moon]

I used to get sad but now I look at my life now amd how wonderful it is to live in a country where I am free and be able to have a voice how lucky I am to have good Gp and hospital nearby.....there are day's when I get sad thinking about the family and friends that are left behind in Iran.......But now I am proud of how far I have come to where I have been and seen.

Petra x:D

[Dissolved girl]

Hi, yes i know exactly what you mean

I have missed out on a lot because of anxiety and still do. I started becoming 'better' in the last few years although i still get anxious to go certain places and do certain things.

I don't think you should 'regret' that you have missed out though. There really is no point. What has past has past. Just enjoy your time now being free of your anxiety disorder and rebuild your life.
There is still plenty of time.

I am 28 and my anxiety has come back again but i have promised myself if or when i get better i will make the best of when i am not anxious and do everything i possibly can to enjoy life

Good luck