Feeling Guilty About What I Can Do

[Tanner40]

Good Morning to everyone. I'm working on my attitude surrounding my Dad's diagnosis of multiple forms of cancer. This has all been going on for two months now and I am tired and beginning to become irritable and resentful. I'm told this is very common in caregivers but it hasn't stopped me from feeling guilty over my resentfulness.

Dad has been in a rehab facility all of this week, trying to regain some strength. He is depressed, overly dependent and grumpy. If I'm not there, he calls and wants to know when I'm coming. Says that he is bored. I end up just wanting my life and am becoming resentful that I have to drop I'm doing and go over there. Which in turn makes me feel guilty.

When he is released this week, he now says he is going back to his house. That means three nights a week, I am away from home and spending the night there. I just am not sure that I can do this, especially if my partner has to go out of town to be with her sick Mother.

I know that I am being selfish, but it would be so much easier if he would just come and stay at my house. But no, now he is determined to go home, where we will all be at his beck and call. At least me and my youngest brother. The other brother doesn't help out much.

The other thing that I am feeling guilty about is his upcoming treatment. The brother doesn't helped has talked him into an aggressive regime of chemotherapy. He has advanced mantle cell lymphoma, the rarest of the Non-Hodgkin Lymphomas. I would not do the chemotherapy but obviously it is his decision. There are days that I just want my life back, which again makes me feel guilty.

Would love to hear from some of you that have taken care of aging parents in a similar situation. I need to find a way of not feeling guilty or bad about my feelings, as it is not helping with my anxiety.

[Madsmom]

First, I am so sorry for your father and I am so sorry for you. I am sure you are going through a ton of emotions and they probably change by the minute. You know that your feelings of resent are a normal part of being a caregiver, you said it yourself. But knowing it and excepting it are two different things, I am learning that. Give yourself a break on how you feel. Being a caregiver is a hard job and at times it feels that there is little reward. Not only are you having to give up your life right now, but you are watching someone you love and care about suffer and hurt. That's hard. You need to make time for yourself and pamper yourself when you are not having to care for him. Surround yourself with people that support you and understand. You know all this I am sure, but sometimes just having a complete stranger say it helps! lol

Sending hugs and prayers to you both.

[Fishmanpa]

I dropped you a note but I want to say that how you're handling things in your life is inspirational to many. Having been through this from the patients perspective and seeing how it affected my fiance', it's perfectly natural to have the feelings you're having. You're doing great! Whatever it takes, try to get at least a couple hours of "me" time in to help keep things in perspective.

Positive thoughts

[Althea]

Tanner, of course you're tired--this is exhausting stuff.

Can you decide for yourself what it is that you can do and stick to that? Maybe some of the stress is the absence of control over your own schedule. I don't think you have to drop everything and go over there just because he's bored or anxious and wants company; you can decide that you'll go over at 6, say, for three nights a week but not if your partner is out of town. Does he medically need somebody with him? If so, can you look into getting a visiting nurse to take some of the burden off you?

I know in a situation like this it feels like you have to do everything that's asked of you, but your life matters too, and you'll still be a loyal and supportive child to your father if you stay there evenings but not overnight, two days instead of three, or whatever variant you decide you can support.

[MRS STRESS ED]

Tanner I admire you, alot of people couldnt do what your doing esspecially with anxiety ,you shouldnt feel any guilt having time out because you deserve it ,we all need time for ourselves keep up the good work and prayers for you both xx

[Round in circles]

I haven't been in your situation, but from your post it's obvious how much you care about your dad. Try not to beat yourself up over these feelings. My mum spent a lot of time caring for my grandma who had dementia and she got very good support from an organisation called carer's link which had both one-to-one meetings, and groups. Something like that might be helpful to you.

Best wishes, RC

[Tanner40]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply. Intellectually I know that my feeling of resentment are pretty normal. It's coming to terms with the new normal that is difficult. I definitely have to make time for myself and find a way that I don't end up feeling guilty about it. Just having the support on this board is very reassuring.