fort they were gone

[Buby]

im so angry!!!! i was ill on friday last week, nufin serious jst sore throat n tht, n tht was gona by sunday. i was fine alllllll day monday, went out wiv mates, had a laf, got my results from my SAT's. perfect. then went bed at 1 o'clock proper early for me, in bed lyin down, n i start to shake, finkin i was cold, i wrapped myself n tried so hard to go sleep.

U no wen ur sleepin n u no ur movin round, well i was dreamin bout summit n i cud feel myself shakin! i hated it. eventually i got up at 3am n went downstairs, there for bout 10 mins jst sipin water wiv a pillow on my feet. well suddenly i cud smell summit (yes i farted but i dint rele wana mention it) well tht made me run to top of the stairs call for me dad n yes run to the bathroom n THROW UP! i handled it rele well tht nite was happy n everythin, but nxt nite was a lil nervous, fine durin the day, but wen it cums to nite, i split! im so angry wiv myself for lettin it get to me. i hate my life! i dnt see why life takes so long to end. Everyday is the same, the only reason i no im livin is cos i wana find out wot happens wen i die! im not guna kill myself to find out but im so scared of livin! bein me is ruinin my life! why cant life b a small fing? live till ur bout 10 n jst finish. i dont wana die n leave all my mates n family, but god wont it jst hurry up!!!!!! its killin me thinkin bout it, writin this is makin me angry.

i used to punch myself wen i was angry, n i was jst bout to do it then, but i stopped myself cos i no thts jst puttin more agro on myself! n im sick of feelin the way i do!

ive written a poem bout life! but i duno weva to post it up, it aint rele bout panic, tho i did try n make it b. but it sorta........went everywhere else except there.

N anuva fing, everytime i go into the chatroom no1 is there, i understand u all ave lives to live, but i jst want sum1 to chat to now n agen, seen as my family is practically bein ripped apart by my stupid attitude! i wana listen to u guys too, see if we feel the same, but no1s there part from vern. i dnt mean to take all this out on u lot. im jst so frustrated i cnt express myself. n this is a place for feelins aint it?

im goin out for dinner in a min n im s**t scared! i no nufin will happen but im so self conscious its UNBELIEVABLE!

help me sum1 :( xx rach

[sal]

Hi Rach

You are really going through it at the moment arent you. You say you go in the chat room no one is there which is a shame as that really helps.

But you know you can email any of us and we will help you. No one wants you to feel so bad and we will support you and help you through this.

I am sure like me we all check emails on site and personal addresses so feel free to let it all out whenever you need.

Anger is a hard emotion to deal with and control, but you didnt punch yourself so you still are in control of it even if you dont feel you are.

Keep talking to us and please dont apologise for feeling how you are, we do understand.

Love Sal xxxxx

[seh1980]

Hi Rach,
Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. I don't think that there's really any one thing that anyone can say that will make you feel better. The only thing I would suggest is trying to be a little more positive. You sound so negative in your post - that life takes far too long to end and that you hate your life. I know that it can seem that way sometimes but if you think like that too much, you really will get yourself stuck in a negative spiral that is difficult to get out of. Try to think of the positive things that happen each day and then build on them. Take care.
Sarah (seh1980)

[Buby]

cheers guys, iv started to cry now, i havent cried at all this yr apart from once in counsellin. but knowin all ur support is there has made me feel so much betta, i jst wish i cud cry n let all my emotions go but im scared me dad or mum will see me.

i do try my best to stay positive its jst hard wen ur feelin so low.

thank u for replyin back n sal i mite take u up on tht offer thanks.

i love all u lot on this site, ur all so welcomin n understandin even wen i dnt understand myself. fank coo.

xxxxxxxxxx rach xxxxxxxx

[andrew]

hi rach, hope your feeling better today, take care .... andrew