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I had a trauma 4 weeks ago. I was at a house party and my drink was spiked. I had a terrible reaction to whatever it was spiked with, believed I was dying. I have never been the same since.
My crisis team say I have extreme anxiety. That everything I am experiencing is stress reactions.
I don't feel the same person anymore. I either cry and panic because I am scared I am going to be like this forever or take lorazepam and cry because I feel more normal but it's because of a tablet.
I started on sertraline 50mg three days ago. I take it at night and the only symptoms I have are the worst. My panic is through the roof and my bad thoughts are extreme. I think I might be thinking psychotic thoughts like maybe I died that night and this is hell and feeling like every day is Groundhog Day. I feel like I am going to die any second.
I don't know what to do. This panic and anxiety has completely taken over my life and my mind. I have had suicidal thoughts which is crazy because I am scared of dying but I don't know how much longer I can cope with feeling like this.
helena8888
27-02-14, 09:31
Hi Nova, sorry to hear about your traumatic experience.
You have a good team of doctors and they know what they are doing to make you feel better very soon.
The first days on sertraline can be a bit rough with increased anxiety, this happens to many of us and I struggled a bit at the beginning but 3 weeks down the road I feel better (well today is not a very good day for me but it will pass). When you have suicidal thoughts please don't stay alone and tell yourself you will get better this is just a bad moment. I know when you feel really bad 1 week can be a lifetime but hang on there. Did your doctors proposed any therapy for you ? This can be very helpfull.
Please give us some news. Take care
Thanks Helena for taking the time to reply. I was actually doing okay before I started the antidepressants. I had a couple of good days where I got showered and dressed and didn't go into any anxiety attacks. Then I started the sertraline and I am back to how I was a week or so ago. I'm scared to get up and start the day. I don't want to have to take the lorazepam but I know I am going to have to.
I am seeing someone at the crisis centre today and will discuss treatment options. I really need some therapy, a lot happened to me in this last year. I had a cancer scare, was in an abusive relationship for seven months which ended a few days after being spiked and cut my wrist in December. I'm a mess and I'm terrified the sertraline won't work.
helena8888
27-02-14, 09:51
Nova if you doctors advised you to start sertraline it is because they think you need it. Before I (re)started medication 3 weeks ago I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. One day was good, the next was not, I thought it would go away by itself but it did not. Your docs gave you the lorazepam to ease the side effects of the sertraline at the beginning, you should try it it will help you. I know you are frozen by fear at the moment and I know how hard it is. But be confident that sertraline is working for many of us here and it will work for you as well.
I hope so Helena. I really hope so. My anxiety is worse because we don't know what I was spiked with, and I am constantly terrified that I have some brain damage from whatever it was and I won't get better. Taking tablets is hard for me because it was a drug of some sort that did this to me in the first place. I can't accept how my life has totally changed. I just want to be okay. I have four children and I can't look at them without crying. I'm not the mum I used to be.
Hello Nova
be assured you wont have any permanent brain damage,you are also over the worst of it.You can and will get better but it will take hard work and patience.Keep taking the sert and stay positive :hugs:
I wish I would accept that mrandy but when the anxiety gets the better of me, I believe it must be the drug that could devastate me so badly, it can't be anxiety surely. I will keep taking the sertraline as I don't know what other options I have but this is utter hell, I can't bear feeling like I'm going to die all the time :(
I'm so glad to read you have been discharged. That must be a great feeling.
helena8888
27-02-14, 10:07
Nova did you talk to your doctor about your fears of brain damage because of the substance that was put in your glass ? They will probably reassure you about that and if they gave you sertraline it is because they think there is no risk for your brain. Your fear is talking and I know so well that it is so difficult to think straight when you are in such a panic mode. I did take sertraline last october and after a few weeks I was back to the old me. The med + the therapy will help you.
I told him and he told me because they don't know what I was spiked with there is a 'tiny' chance this could be permanent. I was utterly distraught. I told him if it's permanent I would go kill myself right now. I can't live my life, I am utterly frozen with fear. If it wasn't for my mum giving me food, I wouldn't eat. I really think I would just lie here until things ended.
I can't wait for 2pm. I see the crisis team. I am very close to asking them to admit me to hospital again.
I told him and he told me because they don't know what I was spiked with there is a 'tiny' chance this could be permanent. I was utterly distraught. I told him if it's permanent I would go kill myself right now. I can't live my life, I am utterly frozen with fear. If it wasn't for my mum giving me food, I wouldn't eat. I really think I would just lie here until things ended.
I can't wait for 2pm. I see the crisis team. I am very close to asking them to admit me to hospital again.try and focus only on positives ,how the tablets will help,how you can get support from the crisis team,I was very very ill this time last year and now well on my way to permanent recovery
Hang in there and dont be afraid to ask for help ,heres a hug :hugs:
Before the sertraline I tried really hard to focus on the positives, downloaded apps on my phone, meditation and hypnosis and cbt and gratitude apps. I tried to keep myself going. But I've just lost the motivation to do or think anything mrandy. I feel like I have given up.
Before this happened I was a really strong, confident, determined person. I am a lone parent to my kids and worked full time too, cooked fresh food from bbc good food website, kept the house clean and tidy, took pride in my appearance. Now, I am nothing. So consumed by fear and anxiety, I can't face the day when I wake.
It's so hard to focus on the positives MrAndy, when noone can guarantee they will work and that little voice in the back of my mind says, this is permanent.
I want to stop being a burden on my family. I haven't been able to spend a single night on my own since it happened. My mum and my ex husband are basically having to babysit me. Their lives have changed because of me. My children bev been uprooted due to moving to and fro town thanks to my abusive ex. I think if I go into hospital, at least no one has to change their lives for me.
going into hospital isnt the answer thats where I ended up and I couldnt wait to get out !
I have been where you are and I know its hard but there is always hope,I recovered so can you,take some deep breaths and be strong.Try going for a long walk ,i did this every day I was in hospital and it cleared my mind
I'm scared. The most disturbing symptom of anxiety is feeling as though things aren't real, feeling detached. I can go for walks but I have to look at the ground. I sound so crazy don't i :( I've lost so much weight too. I was only 8 and a half stone in the first place but I feel so weak and shaky. I am eating so I don't understand why the weight loss.
I just want to get better for my kids and be the mum that makes sure they are okay, teases them and sings and dances, plays computer games with them and just loves them. I don't even feel love anymore.
Hi I have no idea why but can't send messages to anyone:(
How are you feeling now?
---------- Post added at 18:50 ---------- Previous post was at 18:44 ----------
Nova I remember been a size 10 now I'm a size 4. That's part of depression anxiety.
U don't sound crazy cause I've been there:(
Hi ilda, thanks for your messages earlier. I went to my appointment. We discussed admitting me to hospital but my crisis team don't believe they would admit me. They want me to keep taking the sertraline. I asked what was wrong with me, my key worker said anxiety and depression. She said I need to learn to accept that is what's wrong and not damage from the spiking etc. she said I need to believe I will get better, she does.
I still feel very spaced out and panicky on and off but holding it together. Is muscle twitching common with sertraline?
Muscle twitching is common with anxiety,I had it terrible at one time?it will go with time
Thanks MrAndy. I need a shocking amount of reassurance, I seem to have lost all faith in myself.
I actually had an okay evening. I seem to settle down around 7pmish. I went to my brothers for his birthday and fixed his computer. I also managed to have a meal out and there has been no lorazepam today, though today has been really hard. I've just taken my tablet, an hour late unfortunately and am going to try sleep. I look forward to sleeping so much, but dread the morning.
Honey trust me you will be ok. It's all anxiety and depression I've been there.
You need to belive us take the tablets first wks it might not be great but you can get through this.
We are all here for you.
I can't do this ilda. Woke up this morning and immediately feeling the pounding heart and prickling sensation all over my body. I never had this panic before the sertraline. I am back to feeling suicidal. I'm scared the tablets are making me worse.
I can't do this ilda. Woke up this morning and immediately feeling the pounding heart and prickling sensation all over my body. I never had this panic before the sertraline. I am back to feeling suicidal. I'm scared the tablets are making me worse.they take a while to settle down but its worth the wait,try and get out the house today and try and keep busy
I don't know if I can do it. I have never felt so bad in my life. I keep thinking maybe I would have been fine if I hadn't started these meds. I don't know what to do. I'm scared if I stop taking them I will be unable to function but I also feel unable to function on them. I can't cope with these side effects.
helena8888
28-02-14, 10:11
Hi Nova, I was in the same situation as you, and I realized that I would be unable to get better by myself. It is true that the starting can be a rough ride for some and I also got very bad anxiety, worst than pre-medication. But very fast after a few days I stopped having adrenalin rush which was a big thing already because I was frozen the whole day by those awful rush.
I know how tough it is but hang on there everyday is closer to you feeling better. Take care
Nova it is day 23 for me and I feel good, so you get there as well
Don't worry about all the sensations, prickly feeling, chest pressure, rib cage pain, burning on the skin ... the list is long, it is only anxiety. I have had that for 15 years and I am still here.
Thanks Helena. I just seem to be constantly on the edge of panic and it's so hard to bear. I had severe anxiety premeds but I didn't have panic.
Just had a call from the doctor that prescribed the sertraline. He says all the side effects sound normal and tend to peak around day 3-4. He said for most people, by a week the side effects are diminished or completely gone.
He also thinks I might be anemic which can mimic the symptoms of anxiety. So to have my bloods checked.
So I have to keep hanging on in there.
Nova what kind of medication apart from sertraline they gave you?
I have lorazepam. I haven't taken it today though. I seem to have had a burst of positivity today since the morning and have been playing a fun game of 'let's pretend I don't have anxiety' not really convinced it's working but it's better than sitting about convincing myself I'm going to die soon :) how are you feeling today? X
No your not!!!!! You are strong womam. Please do not think like that. You going to get through this. I thought I was going to die last July look at me I'm still here.
Sending you massive hugs.
Day 5 of the sertraline. Last two nights I haven't slept more than about 3-4 hours. Woke up this morning and the usual panic symptoms. Tried to lie in bed for a bit then gave up. Feel so shaky and sick this morning. Checked my weight for the first time. Just under eight stone. I really hope I start feeling better soon, the thought of eating at the moment makes me feel sick but I know I have to do it. I have at least had a shower this morning. Believe it or not, I have been scared to even be by myself in the shower. Last time I ended up in a total fit of tears and panic.
Morning Nova.
Don't count the days count the improvements:)
Better days will come. I understand you so much cause it's funny but my daughter or my husband had to be with me so I could get inside the bath. Get some candles and sea salt with lavander and have a nice relax bath bfore bed it also helps. I also drink camomile tea before bed.
Keep going you doing the right thing.:bighug1:
So aside from the morning anxiety and sobbing my eyes out saying goodbye to my brother, I have noticed today and yesterday I have felt more stable and less hypervigillent. Actually having some times where I am not constantly thinking bad/intrusive thoughts. Can the meds work this quickly?
Nova when I went to gp last time my doctor was happy because as soon as I started taking the tablets I started to feel the difference. It depends from person to person.
You will see more improvements :)
Something feels different that's for sure. I was fine all afternoon then became aware that my head kept giving little jerks, like a twitch or something and started to get anxious that the tablets were giving me seretonin syndrome. I am still havin twitches now but calm enough. Overall, considering my brother left today, it's been a good day.
I just hope I don't go backwards again because those first few days were utterly horrendous :(
Hope you have had a good day ilda x
It's normal that your feel your head like that don't panic!
You will feel much much better be positive:)
I had a good day. Just no appetite whatsoever:(
Starting to drink super malt to keep me going!
I know the no appetite ilda, I had a cheese and ham toastie today and 2 slices of pizza, I didn't want any of it, had to force myself. I am living off smoothies and orange juice for the most. Glad you had an okay day x
Same here had a sandwich in the morning to take my tablet around 3pm had an apple and a a slice of a cake cooked dinner but still there! It depends some days I can eat others I can't:( Hopefully soon I can enjoy food again and the same goes to you.:hugs:
It sounds like we have both lost a fair bit of weight, I was a size ten too a few months ago, last time I was the weight I am now I was seriously unwell with pneumonia, before that I was a teen. I know I wanted to lose a 'little' weight but this wasn't quite what I had in mind haha :/
I can't wait to feel properly hungry again. Most of the time I just feel dehydrated and drink water.
I wish these mornings would get better :( up with the kids again and feeling so anxious. Tomorrow we go home from my mums and I will be alone on the day whilst they are at school. I am so scared I won't cope with them on my own because of the constant anxiety and panic attacks. I don't know what to expect from these tablets, will the mornings get better, will it stop the panic attacks. I am feeling pretty hopeless this morning. Hoping the afternoon will be better as it has been the last two days.
I wish these mornings would get better :( up with the kids again and feeling so anxious. Tomorrow we go home from my mums and I will be alone on the day whilst they are at school. I am so scared I won't cope with them on my own because of the constant anxiety and panic attacks. I don't know what to expect from these tablets, will the mornings get better, will it stop the panic attacks. I am feeling pretty hopeless this morning. Hoping the afternoon will be better as it has been the last two days.
Your doing well nova,the tablets will stop the anxiety and panic attacks but it will take time and patience
:hugs:
Thanks for replying MrAndy, I seem to need so much reassurance in the mornings. I have been writing down my fears and answering them logically and have got the kids dressed to take my mums dog for a walk.
I think things are improving, I am anxious yes but it's starting to be more about things in the near future. I have to move house very shortly, no idea where I will end up. My work are getting impatient that I haven't been in. I have huge childcare bill to pay off. And of course the worry of what's going to happen next week. My overwhelming fear is that if I don't cope with the kids, they will be taken off me an if that ever happens, I would be totally and utterly destroyed.
Thanks for replying MrAndy, I seem to need so much reassurance in the mornings. I have been writing down my fears and answering them logically and have got the kids dressed to take my mums dog for a walk.
I think things are improving, I am anxious yes but it's starting to be more about things in the near future. I have to move house very shortly, no idea where I will end up. My work are getting impatient that I haven't been in. I have huge childcare bill to pay off. And of course the worry of what's going to happen next week. My overwhelming fear is that if I don't cope with the kids, they will be taken off me an if that ever happens, I would be totally and utterly destroyed.
I had social services crawling all over me when I came out of hospital and took 3 months off workAs long as you keep in touch with them and be totally honest things will work out.Try not to think to far into the future just take a day at a time for now
I try but I get so consumed with worry. Constantly thinking, what's going to happen now. And I would absolutely kill for a physical hug. I know that might sound silly but at the moment I can't think of anything I want more than to be hugged and cry. I'm hurting a lot from everything that happened. I hope on Monday they might begin some therapy as I think I really need it.
:bighug1:
I try but I get so consumed with worry. Constantly thinking, what's going to happen now. And I would absolutely kill for a physical hug. I know that might sound silly but at the moment I can't think of anything I want more than to be hugged and cry. I'm hurting a lot from everything that happened. I hope on Monday they might begin some therapy as I think I really need it.
:bighug1:
Thank you MrAndy, made me cry but that's good, I tend to feel a bit better after crying. My brother was here for 4 days, he was so worried about me he flew up. He left yesterday and I am missing him terribly. He gave me lots of hugs and we have been through so much together in our lives, I know he would make sure I was okay. I felt safe with him here.
Good morning Nova stop thinking like that. That won't happen cause you taking the tablets and you will get better. Try not to think about the future and just live your present. Sometimes mornings are a bit brrr but after it goes well. And monday when you take the kids to school don't think to much the only thing u can think is " I have to do this I can do this".
Be positive think positive.
You will get better. Sending you a huge huge hug.
---------- Post added at 11:06 ---------- Previous post was at 11:02 ----------
:hugs::bighug1::bighug1::hugs:
Thank you guys, you have no idea how much it helps knowing people understand and have been there. With depression/anxiety, it feels like I'm the only one in the world going through it and the recovery seems so gradual, it feels like I won't get there. I am so needy today, just want to cry. I think it's nearly that 'time' of the month, I guess that will make me feel worse.
On the drive home after being away for a week at my mums. My anxiety is really high, I feel sick and panic in my stomach. I thought the tablets were working, now I am wondering if it was just that I got used to being out at my mums. :(
---------- Post added at 18:20 ---------- Previous post was at 16:42 ----------
Having a hellish evening :( just back from the police station, reporting my ex partner for harassment, my anxiety is through the roof. In my case that means I am back to feeling like I'm in a dream, things aren't real, the drug in my drink did something, all the progress I thought I was making is gone.
helena8888
03-03-14, 02:51
Hi Nova, anxiety is what makes you think you have problems with your brain but you have not. My anxiety comes from the fact that I thought I had problems with my sinus and that got agravated at the beginning of my sertraline treatment. But the past 3 days I felt good and I completely forgot about my nose. You'll see as soon as the meds will start kicking in you'll stop focusing on your brain and in a while you will put that in the back of your mind. You will get better, it is just difficult at the beginning. Take care. :bighug1:
Thanks Helena. I am feeling calmer this morning. Still woke up with the initial panic and dread but seemed to dissipate fairly quickly today. Phoning my crisis team to speak about what happened last night and how I am feeling about being on my own today so at least they will be aware and I can turn to them should I need to today.
Everyone around me is telling me they see so much improvement but I can't see it myself. They say because I am looking for big signs, whereas it's subtle little things.
---------- Post added at 11:44 ---------- Previous post was at 08:20 ----------
I've got myself in a bit of a state. Can't stop crying and feeling everything is too hard. It's too hard trying to fight these feelings. I will never be the person I used to be and I ant get used to the person I am now. I am just existing, not living and it breaks my heart that I am this way. I have all the people that mean the world to me around me but I can't feel those bonds anymore. I have lost everything.
helena8888
05-03-14, 02:25
Hi Nova, how are you feeling ?
Hi Helena. I am very up and down. I had a brilliant night last night. I was singing and dancing with my children and feeling like my old self. I live for those times. I didn't want I go to bed because i knew I would wake up in the morning feeling anxious again.
I have a family friend who is a newly qualified cpn. She performed a mind detox for me and was also able to tell me that the drug I was spiked with would not have done any damage, she said it was a totally irrational thought. She was able to tell me that as a friend but she said that braesides hands are tied in being able to say that for professional reasons.
I felt so much better after seeing her. I just wish she could be with me every morning. She set me an affirmation to say every day, until I believe it. Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.
helena8888
05-03-14, 08:19
Hi Nova, nice to read that you are getting better and better. Unfortunately the beginning is a bit of a bumpy ride and when we have a good moment we dread the next bad moment. I am now at 4 weeks in my treatment and the bad moments are getting less. It is a good news that your friend confirmed that there is no damage to your brain ! :D
I'm so glad the bad moments are getting less for you helena. I hate thinking about other people being depressed, I want us all to get better and stay better.
She didn't just confirm I hadn't damaged my brain, she told me it was a completely irrational thought. She was very direct but it's what I needed to hear. My mum also said that last night was the very first time I referred to myself as being unwell. So maybe i am starting to accept I have depression.
I wrote a letter to myself last night for this morning: Dear myself.
I wanted to write this letter for me to read this morning. Last night I had the best night. I felt like myself, I was singing and dancing with the girls and having a brilliant time. So stop feeling like things won't get better because they are. Remember last night and what it felt like to smile and be happy because you were and that means...you can and are getting better.
I think I will read it many times today.
helena8888
05-03-14, 08:42
Nova I have acknowledged that my fears are irrationals, it is a big step. My pdoc explained to me last oct when I went on my first round of zoloft that we create pathways in our brain and we tend to go back to the same thinking pattern and the same fears. It takes time to reprogram our brain to thing otherwise. This med will give me the space to think clearly and positively and hopefully push out those irrational thoughts, together with the techniques I learnt from my CBT sessions. He said it takes at least 2-3 months. So this time I will stick to the med.
Your letter is a very good idea, I remembered doing that also and the day I was feeling good telling myself it is impossible to feel bad again because I feel so good !
Hello Nova ,the one night of clarity you have had will become two nights then three then a whole day,you are starting your recovery journey and things will get easier.Its good you have a close friend you can talk to.
Keep going and stay positive :)
Hi hope you feel better and better everyday:)
It's good to know that you will be more positive.
You doing great.:hugs:
Thanks ilda, sorry I didn't reply to your message I haven't been great this afternoon and I don't want to keep dragging people down with me.
Really hit rock bottom today, crying all afternoon. Convincing myself I'm psychotic because the old thought that I died that night and this life isn't real again. Spent all evening hugging a teddy bear like a little girl.
I don't know what to do. My depression has been really deep the last two days and the crying is ridiculous. Is the sertraline working? Just a couple of bad days? Psychotic?
I think I would be very worried if i was one of my friends and I saw them crying all day, convincing themselves they are possibly dead and cuddling a teddybear like their life depended on it.
helena8888
06-03-14, 04:10
Hi Nova, I also feel depressed today which I never felt before medication. This is one SE. I have had a couple of good days and today ... Trying to tell myself it is normal just a blip hopefully it will go away very soon. Take care
I'm not doing so good today guys :( I feel like something has changed in me. That I've given up or resigned myself that this is the norm now. That every day is going to be horrible but if I can make it till evening I will have a few hours respite. I feel like I am waiting to die.
I don't think the tablets are working are they.
helena8888
06-03-14, 08:06
Hi Nova, this is my state of mind today. Like I am giving up, too tired to fight. I am holding on to the fact that I was feeling better until yesterday.
Hang on Nova, we will get better.
Right Helena, this is not happening. Bizarrely I don't really care about myself but I care about other people and I don't want you feeling like giving up. I wish I was near you, I would come over and we could go for a walk. Can you go for one anyways? I am going to write in my gratitude journal, remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for, maybe you could do that too.
And I'm going to imagine what it's going to feel like, the day I realise this horrible illness has lifted and the rest of my life looks bright and exciting. You do that too. :hugs:
If you have kids, one thing that helps me is looking through their pictures. And as embarrassing as it is...hugging a teddybear really does help. Google it, there are articles on it about depression and anxiety. We can get through today x
helena8888
06-03-14, 08:47
Thanks for your support Nova, it is comforting me. Yes I have an adorable 14 years old daughter and her picture on my desk. Frankly this is the worst day since I have started sert 1 month ago I am thinking it is because of PMS.
As the day passes it seems my mood is lifting a little bit (I live in asia it is 16.45 here), hope by tonight I'll feel better. Hope your mood is lifting as well. :hugs:
That is the same as me helena, I am on the coil so I am never quite sure when that time is approaching but generally in sync with a friend and she started yesterday, so guessing yesterday and today's mood drop may be to Pms too. I actually have PMDD which sertraline is meant to help with too. Fingers crossed.
Funny how things get better in the evening, at least we have that to look forward to each day.
helena8888
06-03-14, 09:09
I have never been diagnosed with PMDD because sofar I could live with that but I think I fit into most of the criterias. Yes I was reading that Zoloft is prescribed for this condition but I have only be taking it for 1 month and less than 2 weeks at 50mg so maybe it takes time to kick in. I took my first round of zoloft last october and I was feeling really good after 5 weeks. Fingers crossed !! How many days have you been taking it now Nova ?
This is my tenth day Helena. Five weeks seems like a lifetime away. I just have no faith in the tablets making me feel better. I feel so different. I can't ever imagine things being normal again.
My mum just phoned and I am crying again. Text my ex husband and apologised for being such a crap mum to his kids. They deserve so much more than me.
helena8888
06-03-14, 10:00
Nova I am sure you will start feeling better very soon, you are still adjusting to the meds and now you are only seing the side effects. Soon you will start seing some benefits. You love your kids and you want to be a good mum to them this is why you are doing whatever it takes to feel better.
This morning I could not imagine feeling better but now my mood has lifted up and I am hopefull again that I will be good and stable very soon.
Nova please believe us all when we say you can and will get back to normal. Set yourself some small goals like a walk or read a self help book it will help
Wishing you we'll :hugs:
Morning guys.
I am not feeling too bad this morning. I think it's because of a few things. My exhusband isn't working today so will be at home and I have an hour long appointment with the psychiatrist today. Review meds time. Worried he may put the dose up but if he does he does.
I am so confused by what's happening to me. The last three days seem to have settled into a pattern. In the mornings I wake up okay, by 11am I want to die. I can't ever imagine getting better, I'm a failure. I can't stop hugging my teddy bear. By 4.30pm I am getting better because my exhusband is due home. The rest of the evening, it's like I don't even have depression and anxiety. I feel almost normal.
How can I go from one extreme to the other?
Morning guys.
I am not feeling too bad this morning. I think it's because of a few things. My exhusband isn't working today so will be at home and I have an hour long appointment with the psychiatrist today. Review meds time. Worried he may put the dose up but if he does he does.
I am so confused by what's happening to me. The last three days seem to have settled into a pattern. In the mornings I wake up okay, by 11am I want to die. I can't ever imagine getting better, I'm a failure. I can't stop hugging my teddy bear. By 4.30pm I am getting better because my exhusband is due home. The rest of the evening, it's like I don't even have depression and anxiety. I feel almost normal.
How can I go from one extreme to the other?
anxiety will go up and down throughout the day depending on how your mind works and what you are doing,reading your posts you seem better when you are with people around you.Hopefully you will have a good day today
helena8888
07-03-14, 09:17
Morning my sert friends !
I also wonder how I can go from an extreme to another. Yesterday I was feeling so bad (though much better in the evening) and today I am really good. Let's hope I will stabilise soon as I will leave next week for 3 weeks and will be all alone in planes and hotels rooms. :shrug:
Mr Andy I will do as you suggest, stop counting the days as I am telling myself it is day 30 so I should be feeling good and stressing out if I don't.
Hope all of you will have a good day !
Morning Helena :)
I think we have to keep in mind that there will always be good and bad days because that's life, not just depression and try not to overly worry when the bad days hit. (Says she that phones everyone and asks to die)
I have decided that I am going to focus on opening a forum for depression and anxiety in the highlands. There isn't one and I would love to meet people in my area going through similar. I am a geek and qualified in computing, have made forums in the past, it is easy to me and a crime there isn't one.
helena8888
07-03-14, 09:42
Highlands in Scottland ? It is good to focus on something you like doing because it keeps your mind busy. Less time to turn in circles !
When bad days hit it is difficult to get your head out of the water but when I have a good day I do not understand how I can feel so miserable some other time !
Yes the highlands of Scotland Helen, that's where I am from, cold today :)
I was doing so well this morning. Then I went for my hour long appointment.
My sertraline has been increased to 100mg. I am terrified of the side effects.
I told the psychiatrist about the patterns with my moods. Mornings terrible, evenings like nothing is wrong. He wants me to keep a mood diary. He then said he had an idea but didn't want to discuss it yet as it was too early. I immediately jumped on this and basically, he seems to think i have had something all my life and it's just coming to the surface but he won't tell me what it is because my 'anxiety is high enough'
So I may actually have a life long condition. Putting a guess on it I'm thinking BPD.
Just feel like giving up all over again.
Hi Nova
I have met many people with BPD I dont think for one minute this is what you have its just anxiety.Dont worry about the diagnosis it doesnt matter anyhow ,just concentrate on getting well again
Thank you MrAndy. I have got myself in a right state. Every time I feel like I am making tiny steps forward, I seem to end up twenty steps back. This feels like one never ending nightmare.
Oh guys, I don't know what's happened to my life. Six weeks ago I was in a relationship, planning a house move, working and feeling like I had it all. Now, I am a mess, single, scared to be alone, not sure what's wrong with me and scared I might lose my mind.
I dont know what's going to happen to me now. Will I get better. Will I stay like this, alive but distressed, scared and detached. I am so so sad that my life is like this now. And so jealous of people that can drink wine, smoke, go to town and shop without fear, look forward to the summer.
I'm scared im slowly going crazy. Will I ever accept what's happened to me and feel normal again. Surely life can't stay like this forever.
---------- Post added at 17:23 ---------- Previous post was at 17:21 ----------
The quote below my signature is bittersweet now. fate loves the fearless. I have it tattooed on my collarbone, after my cancer scare last year.
Hi Nova I won't lie to you recovery takes time and patience but it will happen for you.You aren't going crazy a crazy person has no idea what's going on.Everyday write down something that makes you happy or something you feel has improved
You will get there :hugs:
Thanks MrAndy. I am calm now. I finally got to speak to my own doctor, first time since this all happened. She was my doctor when I had the cancer scare and I trust her. She said there was no chance I had done any sort of cell damage to my brain, the only damage that can be done is psychological, that she agrees with me that I had a terrible fright and am still in shock, that it's completely normal after a trauma for people to feel disconnected and struggle to fit back into every day life.
She also doesn't think I have any underlying mental problems, that the dose increase is correct and she would do the same and that in time I will definitely recover.
I do love my doctor. I am changing psychiatrist however.
Groundhog Day. Been crying already this morning. Will be starting my dose increase tonight. Dreading it. I honestly don't feel like I can take any more. I'm so heartbroken.
Hi honey hope you are ok. Let me know how you getting on with your new dose. Im still at 50mg for 3 wks and next wk going back to gp so I have no idea if she will give me 100mg or still 50mg.
Really hope you feel better soon.:hugs:
Hang on in there nova,thinkng positive thoughts for you
Hi All, Just wondering has anyone of you taken 60mg of cit,my gp up mine from 40mg .I thought I was doing ok ,but I started to get these terrible feelings back again so the doc up them.
Any advice anyone ?
Thank you guys. I wish I could accept what's happened. Every day I try to fight it, instead of accepting I'm unwell and it's going to take time. There has never been anything I couldn't fix myself before. I'm out of my depth and I don't have an understanding of mental illness. I am terrified of increasing the dose but I can't stay like this either. I am just praying that one day soon, I will see some light in this tunnel :(
I am trying to be brave, 10pm I take the new dose. I asked my mum if she could come stay as I feel less anxious when she is here but she can't. So I have to be brave. She is starting to get down too, because of me and how I am. Because I struggle to believe I will get better. I am going to stop phoning family and friends when I am in a state, that is what my crisis team is for. I am ashamed of how I am now.
I haven't done anything all day but googled and been on forums. I am debating whether I should stop posting and looking for help all the time. I guess it isn't helping me recover in that I'm not taking part in real life other than when my kids need me. It's just I'm scared to live real life.
TooMuchToLiveFor
08-03-14, 19:36
Hey Nova,
I'm a bit behind around here, but catching up on you and your story…..was wondering, have you read:
http://nothingworks.weebly.com
Your sentence about being "scared to live real life" made me think you might really benefit from reading the link above.
Have you tried writing you feelings down?
And I totally agree with the above post:)
I have read it, it's brilliant, I even passed it on to some friends and family with anxiety. I have it saved on my phone. I totally agree with it and have beaten anxiety before. My crisis team thinks that's why I don't get physical symptoms of anxiety, because they don't scare me. The psychological side does. I even got though PND by myself using self taught cbt.
But I have never ever felt like this. The crisis team won't even teach me relaxation exercises yet because the anxiety (or energy surge?) is so high they have said things like cbt etc won't help just yet because nothing will go in.
I have been keeping a mood diary and do use cbt to try turn my thoughts around. I know what I need to do and in the evenings I am brimming with how I will do this that and the other tomorrow...then the morning arrives and I wake up sad that I woke up. If this depression would lift, just a tiny bit, then I think I could work through this. I have been through a lot of crap in my life, before this there was nothing I couldn't get through. I've never felt so helpless before and out of control.
I've been through massive amounts of crap in my life , but I got through it, you will too. Ever tried meditating?
I have the mindfulness app on my phone. I haven't tried it as of yet, it's hard to get a quiet moment with my four monsters. I also listen to the mindifi hypnosis app each night, if anything it helps me sleep.
Try to find time for mindfulness, and stick at it:)
I took the 100mg last night. Had a restless night, think I was waking every hour but going back to sleep.
I am shaky again this morning, feeling very hot and sick. The anxiety is really high again too, feeling that prickling skin sensation again.
I don't want to get out of bed. I am scared of my anxiety peaking.
Evening all :)
I have had a good day. Today is the first day there have been no tears. I cleaned the bathroom and washed dishes, hoovered, washed clothes, put clothes away. Showered. And I got a dog! I have just been out with him and the children for a walk along the canal :)
Leaving a wee note for myself when dealing with the morning anxiety.
If something bad is going to happen, I'd rather it happened whilst doing something, instead of being sat on the couch, scared of it happening. Now go do the breakfast dishes and repeat "every day, in every way, I am getting better and better"
TooMuchToLiveFor
09-03-14, 23:27
Good for you, Nova!!!
helena8888
10-03-14, 02:24
Hi Nova, I woke up for the first time this morning without anxiety. Almost 5 weeks in my treatment. Hang on there.
I've woke up without anxiety too Helena. In fact I've been laughing and smiling. I was even singing a bit and kicking a ball abou for Buster. I'm actually a little concerned, is it normal to feel so happy?
Hi nova glad you feel good. Few days I feel good as well but a bit scared to go down!!!!
Have app. on friday with my gp don't know if my dose is going up or not:( oh well have to wait.
Wishing you all the best:hugs:
Hello girl how are you doing?
helena8888
13-03-14, 09:54
Hello everyone. Ilda glad you feel better ! I can say I have been feeling good 5 days in a row, no more morning anxiety, sleeping better and better each day. Looks like I am starting to have my life back. I still have a bit of chest pressure at the end of the afternoon around 6pm, don't know why but nothing bad really. Hope this too will settle.
Nova how have you been ?
Hi all, I'm sorry I haven't been about so much. I made the decision to stay away from forums and google as I was really getting very obsessed and I felt I needed to stop looking for reassurance and try to be strong.
On the whole I have been better. It's hard to judge as I am homeless in 4 days and have no idea what's going to happen and haven't even started packing so I am stressed and still prone to attacks of feeling overwhelmed and worried about going crazy. But on the whole I am functioning a little better. I walk four miles a day with my dog now. Got back into gaming in the evening and enjoy it. Started a course with panic center online. It's very very slow but there is progress.
I hope everyone is doing well. Please forgive me for not being about so much, I just need to keep pushing on. I will pop back every so often and I cant actually express enough my gratitude to you all. Keep fighting the good fight xxx
Hi all, two months on since my last post, I wanted to come back and update this. Looking at my posts on here, I have been thinking, god, I hope noone reads this thats about to take sertraline, they will be terrified! So I thought I should put on the happy ending too :)
The first few months on sertraline were hellish for me, I wont lie. But I had very very extreme anxiety and even as hard as the first month on sertraline was in particular, I'd choose that any day over the fear I felt on a day to day basis.
I am now doing great. Still on 100mg, discharged from mental health team, discharged from counselling and working hard on living a happier life. There have been huge changes, I am now engaged and very happy. I dont speak with my family anymore which is sad but ultimately has had a very positive effect on me. All in all, life is good and I am so grateful that we have medicine like sertraline to help. If anyone reading this is having any kind of doubts, please dont. It might not be easy to get established on any antidepressant, but when they work, the relief is amazing. Take care guys :)
lustral is a terrible drug i ve ever seen... all of the anti-deppresant are terrible and products of unfinished study
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