NE21 worrier
01-03-14, 22:19
Hello folks,
It's been a while since I've posted so sorry about that, and apologies for the length of this post too. I've generally been coping well recently and in such a way that, while anxiety can still haunt me, I am able to prevent it from turning to outright panic. Last weekend, for instance, I was down in London for a friend's birthday and had a wonderful time.
This week's return to work has been tough with a number of difficult calls to deal with (I work in a government contact centre), and a half-written end-of-year appraisal which I have no real desire to finish. I have written about how the job impact on my anxiety before, I even had two months off work last year with exhaustion, and I would be lying if I said it didn't continue to have an effect.
The contract was actually due to end in March but has been extended to September - I'm not sure what happens after then. But, as I thought there was the possibility of me losing my job in March, I did look around elsewhere, and I have actually been offered a permanent position in a (usually less stressful) back office role - subject to security checks.
BUT
Yes, there was always going to be a 'but'... this new job is part-year (January-end of September) and part-time, evening work (20 hours pw) whereas my current job is full-year, full time.
I am 30 and still living at home with my parents. While I have moved out before, I haven't lived independently since 2007 when I found it a massive struggle (didn't even know I had anxiety then, instead got treated for all sorts of bowel problems, which I now know was just IBS from anxiety).
I have a desire to move on with my life though I am not impatient to do so, as my parents are actually lovely people. My dad drinks far too much, and I have these tendencies myself, but my home life is generally happy... and actually a bit of a cushy number.
There are a couple of other worries for me if I took the evening position:
(1) I am aware from previous experience of working this sort of shift that I am not the most self-motivated person in the world, and I've had the tendency in the past to shut myself in my room during the day - not a good thing to do if you're susceptible to low mood.
(2) I fear a damage to my standing among my friends, some of whom are career driven. I think they would think I was mad giving up a FT, full-year position for a part-time part-yr position, albeit a permanent one, because I have worked hard in my current job to move from a part-time position to a full-time one.
Now, problem number (2) would be solved if I could use the time offered in problem number (1) to good effect. I have a plan in my head to return to university a post-grad course, strangely enough to actually become a therapist (for low-intensity anxiety) but I have no idea if I will have missed the deadline for a 2014 intake? Any ideas?
Money would not be so much of a problem, even without funding, as I would be living at home and working but I would need to demonstrate more commitment to a project than I have for a long time (perhaps since finishing my journalism degree in 2005). In fact, that perfectly illustrated my point - I decided I couldn't hack that industry, pardon the pun, even after a further try alongside an accredited NCTJ course in 2008.
It's a basic lack of self-belief which drives my low self-esteem and anxiety, and I'm worried the same thing would happen this time, and I would be left with just a part-time, part-year position. I keep thinking perhaps I should wait for something better to come along but, at the same time, I know it is still better than what a lot of people have at the moment.
Nevertheless, this still seems like it is a really crucial decision in which direction I take with my life. Thanks for reading and, while I know it is ultimately my life and my decision to make, any feedback would be great.
Thanks,
Peter x
It's been a while since I've posted so sorry about that, and apologies for the length of this post too. I've generally been coping well recently and in such a way that, while anxiety can still haunt me, I am able to prevent it from turning to outright panic. Last weekend, for instance, I was down in London for a friend's birthday and had a wonderful time.
This week's return to work has been tough with a number of difficult calls to deal with (I work in a government contact centre), and a half-written end-of-year appraisal which I have no real desire to finish. I have written about how the job impact on my anxiety before, I even had two months off work last year with exhaustion, and I would be lying if I said it didn't continue to have an effect.
The contract was actually due to end in March but has been extended to September - I'm not sure what happens after then. But, as I thought there was the possibility of me losing my job in March, I did look around elsewhere, and I have actually been offered a permanent position in a (usually less stressful) back office role - subject to security checks.
BUT
Yes, there was always going to be a 'but'... this new job is part-year (January-end of September) and part-time, evening work (20 hours pw) whereas my current job is full-year, full time.
I am 30 and still living at home with my parents. While I have moved out before, I haven't lived independently since 2007 when I found it a massive struggle (didn't even know I had anxiety then, instead got treated for all sorts of bowel problems, which I now know was just IBS from anxiety).
I have a desire to move on with my life though I am not impatient to do so, as my parents are actually lovely people. My dad drinks far too much, and I have these tendencies myself, but my home life is generally happy... and actually a bit of a cushy number.
There are a couple of other worries for me if I took the evening position:
(1) I am aware from previous experience of working this sort of shift that I am not the most self-motivated person in the world, and I've had the tendency in the past to shut myself in my room during the day - not a good thing to do if you're susceptible to low mood.
(2) I fear a damage to my standing among my friends, some of whom are career driven. I think they would think I was mad giving up a FT, full-year position for a part-time part-yr position, albeit a permanent one, because I have worked hard in my current job to move from a part-time position to a full-time one.
Now, problem number (2) would be solved if I could use the time offered in problem number (1) to good effect. I have a plan in my head to return to university a post-grad course, strangely enough to actually become a therapist (for low-intensity anxiety) but I have no idea if I will have missed the deadline for a 2014 intake? Any ideas?
Money would not be so much of a problem, even without funding, as I would be living at home and working but I would need to demonstrate more commitment to a project than I have for a long time (perhaps since finishing my journalism degree in 2005). In fact, that perfectly illustrated my point - I decided I couldn't hack that industry, pardon the pun, even after a further try alongside an accredited NCTJ course in 2008.
It's a basic lack of self-belief which drives my low self-esteem and anxiety, and I'm worried the same thing would happen this time, and I would be left with just a part-time, part-year position. I keep thinking perhaps I should wait for something better to come along but, at the same time, I know it is still better than what a lot of people have at the moment.
Nevertheless, this still seems like it is a really crucial decision in which direction I take with my life. Thanks for reading and, while I know it is ultimately my life and my decision to make, any feedback would be great.
Thanks,
Peter x