Feeling Misunderstood

[freakedout]

Hi everyone.

I just wondered if you too feel misunderstood.

I suffer from panic disorder and depression, and although I do not have an official diagnosis, I KNOW that I have agoraphobia, which varies in severity. I have been absent from work for 18months now on sick leave and my job is coming to an end, as I expected, because I am unable to actually physically go into my workplace due to my panic disorder. I had a good job, although it could be stressful at times, but a job that I very much wanted to do, and studied hard to get where I was. Well this week, I saw my specialist at the hospital, he has been asked to write a health report about me for the Occupational health dept.

He pointed out that my job was stressful. I corrected him and said some parts of it were stressful, but it was not the job that stops me from going to work, but being in situations, such as the office, meetings, courses, enclosed spaces, and even driving my car that I cannot tolerate (these were just a few of hundreds of examples I could give!).

He said I should think about getting a less stressful job, in the future.

I am sooooo disappointed. I feel totally misunderstood. I can think of less stressful jobs but they all involve being away from my home alone. I very rarely go anywhere alone, and if I do I end up panicking and lose touch with reality, dp and dr. I was counting on my specialist to understand me, in order to write an accurate report to my employers. I expect he will write that I need a less stressful job. He just doesnt get it at all.

I feel like I have to explain myself all the time, try to justify why I am unable to work, or go to places. I feel like people think I am a fake or just lazy, and I know I am pathetic. I would love to have half of my former life back right now, to be able to go to work, to feel as though I have a sense of purpose and a future. I feel trapped by my own fears and phobias, and the torment is endless.

I just wondered if anyone else feels this way. I also wondered if anyone actually knows of a cause for their panic disorder. I often think that there has to be a reason why I am like I am, maybe something I am blocking from my childhood. I feel as though if I could get to the root of things I may be able to get better. I told my specialist that, too. He laughed (:() and said perhaps I should stop looking for answers if I cannot find any.

I just dont know what to think anymore. I despair, nobody seems able to understand, is it just me?

Freaky

[Antipodes]

Hi freakedout,

I think it is crucial that you get a proper diagnosis. It sounds to me like you may have post traumatic stress disorder ("PTSD") but I can easily be wrong. You were using situations and examles that struck a chord with me (a PTSD-er).

Like you, I am a professional, a technical expert. My employer tolerated my anxiety for about 18 months and then provoked me into the employment disputes process. It is very unpleasant and aggravates the anxiety etc. I have been unemployable since! I empathise with you and urge you to be proactive due to the Xmas period getting in the way. Many disorders are entirely "curable", some take a longer time and others are complex.

I can say, that my anxiety was dramatically reduced after many drug trials until one with a low side-effect profile and no dietary restrictions was offered as the next "try this". Its effect was profound. It is available in UK and discussed on this site.

It is my experience that General Practioner doctors do not ask the right questions and I know _many_ GAD and SAD diagnosed people are in fact not GAD or SAD. So a psychologist and/or psychiatrist would be the best situation (as long as they are experienced in anxiety disorders - I had two useless psychologists until I eventually got properly diagnosed 5 years ago).

I wish you well for the future.

[keepemlaughing]

hello freaked out. i know how you feel about wanting to work but feeling inadequate and full of anxiety and then feeling depressed about the anxiety. Not being able to work at possibly the best job you have ever had or will ever have. Knowing that you are seconds away from losing the security provided by your job and not so sure you could ever go through the whole new job thing again. yes, i know. but i just can't take that chance. no matter how anxious and uncomfortable i am, i am not about to let my anxiety win. i want this job, i need this job, and i am going to do anything i can to keep this job. think your options through and don't go down without a fight. i guarantee it will be much worse if you aren't working. too much time isloating. sorry to sound so harsh. but i speak for myself. good luck and welcome to the site.
sheryl

Sheryl

You don't have to be a cow to know what milk is.

[Juliep]

Hi, Don't give up!

I am a mum with a child who suffers with PA's and new to site too - searching for help and understanding in trying to sort out what has caused my daughter to experience her problems.

You seem an incredibly intelligent and sensible guy who just seems to be going through a bit of a blip at the moment. You WILL get back to how you felt and 'performed' before. Like me and my daughter, it may be a long road and you may have to try an few different things out but by loggin onto this site you have done the best thing.

Have you seen the help page - what to do when having a PA? We found this helped.

Good Luck - don't give up, try and reflect on all the things you have done that have gone well and be confident that you are still that same person!

Keep strong!

[freakedout]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for your replies.


Freaky

"I'd let myself go, but I've already gone"

[tuppenybun]

Hi Freaky

I read your posts with increasing familiarity having been off sick with PA's and anxiety for over 12 months after being attacked whilst at work. I've been down the route of psychotherapy and believe me, finding the "reason" for your condition will not help. It's like finding a hole you fell down when you broke your leg, it won't heal your leg but it may just stop you breaking the other one!

What struck me from your post was the blame you seem to be heaping on yourself. If you had been diagnosed with any other illness would you be beating yourself up so badly for not getting better sooner? I think not, you would probably be losing your temper with the doctors looking after you as they were being of no help. It's a particularly vicious symptom of anxiety and depression that leads us to be so self critical.

I have a crappy self help book called don't sweat the small stuff, it's rubbish. In my recent experience you shouldn't sweat the big stuff!

Concentrate on the things you can do and enjoy them, Break the big stuff down into smaller, more manageable pieces. Speak to your employer about returning to work in another less stresful post temporarily and very, very gradually. You have been absent for over a year and are now covered by the disabilities at work act, you have rights!

Feeling in contol, even of the tiniest thing can be the start of your recovery.

Tup x

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could...

[halfwayhome]

It's not just you. I think most of us have felt misunderstood at one point or another. To be honest, I've been guilty of misunderstanding others with anxiety before my anxiety became really bad. (I used to only have mild general anxiety and OCD.. I now have full blown GAD, OCD and Panic Disorder.) It's hard to understand if you haven't been there, I guess. Do you have someone specific in your life that you can talk to?
I am lucky enough to have a boyfriend who, although he doesn't understand because he can't, knows that he doesn't understand and accepts that this is the way I am, and the way things are, and is very very supportive. I can't tell you what a world of difference it makes to have him. Perhaps talking to someone, anyone, a friend, whoever may help. Therapists are great, but not always enough.
Best of luck to you!:D

"don't worry.. be happy!
[don't worry - be happy"

xoxox
Steph

[Lynnann]

Hi freaky,

Lots of people can be ignorant and have no tolerence about things they don't understand. It is a shame that the occupational health was so blinkered to your actual situation.

I am sorry that your job situation is a little bleak at the moment. I am sure something will turn up that is perfect for you. Is it possible to work from home? Just a thought.

At the end of the day there are more important things in life than work, just concentrate on your own well being for a while and then maybe everything will fall into place.

Take care of yourself

Hugs to you

Lynnann

[Nel]

It's awful to feel misunderstood. My husband is the only one whom I feel completely appreciates the severity and the effect my disorder has on me. My Mum wants to 'give me a good shake', my Dad reckons I need to 'hurry up and get better' and my sister has decided that she 'can't stand to speak to me anymore as all I talk about is myself'.
I have tried so hard to make them understand, my CBT therapist (rightly) pointed out that until someone experiences it themselves, they will never understand the gravity of it. I have OCD (mainly obsessive and distressing thoughts) and anxiety/agoraphobia, as a result of my OCD.

I hope things improve for you, you have very good insight into your anxiety which is very important in dealing with it. I wish you the best of luck xxx