View Full Version : back to college thursday after 3wks off..dreading it!
I still don't feel right but I know if I want to finish my course I have to..problem is it's hairdressing which means upbeat conversation with clients and concentration which im struggling to maintain even at home. I'm paranoid my classmates will think im weird because im not sure im that good an actress to keep up a positive facade all day...plus the sweats I still get and lack of coordination/organisation!
I had a manic day last week which ended up with me arranging to have a bearded dragon I saw a friend advertise on Facebook...we don't really have room for it so I started frantically changing the house around to try make room. I was hyper all day then totally crashed out at 8pm. The doc said it can be a side effect but that if it keeps happening to go back before my next appointment.
I just don't feel ready for people outside my immediate family but have no choice. I know id regret not finishing my course once im better!
Has anyone else had the odd manic day on cit/ impulsive behaviour?
Hey there. How long have you been on Cit?
I had an awful time just before and over Xmas, I really did not want to be around anyone, work or play - even family was hard at times. I suffered with paranoia and over analysing terribly. I stopped going on Facebook and stopped going out. However, three months on and with the Cit...I am ready to be around others again.
I feel ready to get on with life again after suffering before the Cit and then with the various side effects when I started taking it. I have a clear head and I am enjoying being around others again at work, play and at home.
I have suffered with the odd manic day but I tried to roll my sleeves up and get on with it. Not easy but I tried. I always find that being around others and keeping busy takes my mind off stuff and helps me.
You really sound like you want finish this course...you should do it!!!
Good luck, let us know how it goes mate.
Marty
Hi Marty, im just over 3 weeks in. I have some days where I can laugh along with my family at home..but I get flustered, clumbsy, sweaty etc if I have to go anywhere without my partner.
Its a long day too...9-7. I dreamt I had a panic attack in front of everyone. I know its the anxiety disorder trying to convince me but the thought of anyone seeing me like that terrifies me.
I want to want to be around others...but in all honesty I just still feel more safe and at ease at home. I suppose to get better I do need to push myself by going back...thank you for replying Marty x
Good morning! I know what you mean about being at home, totally. It's the same with me.
Hope it goes well for you, keep in touch :)
Good luck for Thursday. As I said before, maybe immersing yourself in your course will be a good thing for you. I know it's easier to be at home but, if you're like me, you probably spend too much time thinking. I had an awful day yesterday. Very anxious, very tearful, feeling I've gone backwards and generally awful. My husband said I've got to push myself to do more as I'm obsessing about my stomach issues again. I know he's right but it's so hard. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you can cope, which I'm sure you can! Good luck and I'm looking forward to seeing your 'I did it' post! X
Aww thanks both of you. It weird how something that used to be so normal..and enjoyable has become a thing of fear and feels like a mountain.
I was like that yesterday too Jilly. Probably because I was obsessing over college. My clenching jaw was really bad and had to take valium.
I will let you know how it goes. I hope you both have a good day today. X
Having an ok day today! My job is very people orientated so whilst I am around people I dont tend to stress too much.
I bought some Complex B Vits today and will see how I go with those. They assist energy and metabolism apparently.
Just remember, mountains are there to be climbed and conquered!!! Once you have conquered it then it's a sweet, sweet feeling on the way down!!!
Keep the faith
---------- Post added at 13:22 ---------- Previous post was at 13:15 ----------
Mean't to add, the clenching and other side effects will go/reduce! I was very paranoid at 3 weeks in!!!
Hope everything goes well for you today at college. X
I didn't make it I feel like such a failure :'( I was so flustered this morning I think I took 2 propanalol instead of one. I got my little one ready and got the bus..then the tram..started to cry silently but then whilst walking to the childminders the crying became uncontrollable, I started sweating bad and breathing felt off.
The childminder is my partners aunt she made me a cup of tea and told me to ring the doctor but its always engaged..she has brought me home and is keeping my little one for the day incase I manage to get an appointment.
I feel like I've let everyone down including myself! I don't know what to say to college I think I will lose my funding. I actually hate myself right now :'(
You've let nobody down. It's obviously just a bit too soon. We're still in the early days of our citalopram too and having some side effects. You mustn't feel bad, instead try and focus on the fact that you managed to get to the childminders. I hope you can get an appointment with your GP today. I imagine he will sign you off for a bit longer to give some time for the cit to really kick in. Go gentle on yourself, it's no good beating yourself up about it. I know that if I had written your post you would have replied to me and have been be so supportive and kind ...that's how you must speak to yourself! X
Hi Gem. I totally agree with everything Jilly says.
Please don't be too hard on yourself, you know there are issues and you are trying to do something about it and this will take time.
I am 12 weeks in and only now starting to feel better...although you feel like this now, it will get better so you must keep the faith.
We are all on this journey together, I had some awful days on the way to where I am now and the guys on here really helped me through it :)
Keep us updated, I hope you find the strength to try again.
You're very kind Jilly thank you. I've had a long chat with my mum and the doctor rang me as there were no appointments. She told me to take diazepam and rest..she has brought my appointment forward for two weeks time. She said she will do me a sick note that my partner can pick up.
My tutor has suggested I come in just for a chat on a day I don't have classes so I don't feel over faced by seeing all my classmates.
I'm just so frustrated. If I can't get to college etc how am I supposed to walk down the isle in June? God I hope im better by then! X
---------- Post added at 13:11 ---------- Previous post was at 13:07 ----------
Thanks Marty...it definitely does help having people to identify with. I won't give up even though I have moments where I feel I might as well. I've got my little one to get better for. I just want my life back but this bloody brain of mine has other ideas right now x
I'm so glad you are getting support and I think it's really good that your tutor is being supportive too. As for your wedding, it's still some way off and I'm sure you'll feel much better then. Many years ago my older sister took diazepam on her wedding day. Probably too much because she can't remember it too well! But she got through the day and has lovely photos to look back on and is still married to the same guy! We'll help each other through this and we'll take our diazepam too! Jilly x
It will get better mate, keep going :)
We are here for you and we believe in you.
Just need to write this down before I implode.
I wish there was a pill to make my I inlaws to be disappear and stop trying to organise and control us...bloody toxic people grrrrrr
Just need to write this down before I implode.
I wish there was a pill to make my I inlaws to be disappear and stop trying to organise and control us...bloody toxic people grrrrrr
Hey Gem.
Sometimes my parents drive me nuts...I haven't told them about my issues yet. Maybe I will soon.
There were certain people in my life who I just couldn't be around but after some CBT and 12 /13 weeks on the Cit it really doesn't matter anymore. My paranoia is all but gone and I can finally accept others for what they are. Big steps.
I never thought I would feel like this again.
Hopefully, in a few weeks the stuff that matters to now you really won't matter so much.(all being well). So don't be too hard on yourself.
Take care out there
Hi Marty, im sorry you haven't felt able to tell your parents. I hope if you ever do they are supportive of you.
I became ill after a prolonged period of stress in large most of the situations were caused by my in-laws. They are very controlling and can be quite manipulative. My partner was also fed up so confronted them and there was a row..I started with the panic attacks the following day..but had been depressed a while.
They are rather rude and don't understand any kind of mental illness. My brother in-law who still lives with them is on 50mg cit for depression but won't tell them because he has heard what they say about me!
You are right though...once im feeling better I'll be better able to handle them...At the moment they just make me want to headbut the wall :-/ x
Good morning! How's you today?!!!
I will tell them, just waiting for the right moment - they live away from us and I am waiting to get them on my own. It was a big deal a few months ago...now it doesn't feel such a big deal :)
Hope you have a better day today mate, everything feels better on a Saturday!!!
I wish we lived away from my partners lol. It sounds like you are doing really well at the moment, im pleased for you and it gives me hope.
I'm better today as my partner has said for us to just concentrate on each other today and he said although we know there is another row looming we will stand firm.
I'm going to try to enjoy the day...I can't wait to reach the point you are at Marty! X
It was not an easy journey, Gem.
I had to park a lot of stuff and the cit seems to help with that. Suddenly the stuff that I could not stop (over) thinking about was put to one side. It has not gone away totally but I seem to be able to control my emotions better.
I always think 'what is normal?'. And do you know, I really don't think anyone knows. We all have our demons, it's just that some are better than others at controlling or even hiding them.
Have a good weekend and enjoy the time with your partner, these are the moments you should treasure. We had lots of rows but all I needed was some understanding and an arm around me...I was confused and angry. Now I can't really understand why and just hope I am on the up up up. My next worry is how long I should take my cit, but I will cross that bridge as and when.
Take care
Hi Marty, I had a nice weekend with my partner. I manage to get out a bit more when he's about. Don't tend to feel as panicked when im outside with him.
I had a bit of a bad do yesterday because I had to go for a meeting with my tutor. The good news is I managed the bus/tram and walk to college. I started to crumble the further towards my department I got...by the time I was outside the staff room door the walls had closed in on me, sweat was running down my face/back and I started crying :-( my tutor ushered me away to a private room, turns out she used to have panic attacks/depression too she was lovely. She is happy for me to try just coming in for a few hours on Thursday with no pressure to do anything while im there. The only problem is the finace people may take away the childcare funding because of my attendance she can't help me with that.
How are you doing...still positive I hope? Did you do anything nice over weekend? X
---------- Post added at 06:57 ---------- Previous post was at 06:48 ----------
Jilly how are you doing? Hope you are starting to see some improvements x
Stick with it Gem, nice to hear from you.
Nice to hear you are feeling better! How's things been?
Hi Marty, my side effects are less now. I still struggle getting out with sweats and worse if I stray out of my comfort zone. I'm trying though, I took my little one to the shop (had sweats but tried to ignore it) then strolled to the park.
We are still getting stress from my partners parents there was a blazing row over the phone last night and they have summoned him to go to theirs tonight. I know I will be in knotts tonight while he's there and I will be angry/upset when he gets home and tells me what's been said so I will take a diazepam tonight.
On a positive note my tutor is going to upload my last exam to a laptop so I can do it from home..so there is still a chance I may get my NVQ3.
How are you doing? I hope you are coming out of your blip ok? X
Hi Gemlou, glad you are still on the up. Great news that you can do your exam at home, that's brilliant. Am having a blip again! Started to feel really positive, tried to ignore my stomach problem etc then went down with a horrid virus. Apart from the usual yuck feeling of a virus, the panic set in again. Why had I got a virus? Is my immune system compromised by a hidden disease? Would it develop into pneumonia? Every negative thought possible. The virus is improving after a few days in bed but the anxiety is awful. I feel so shaky, not from the virus but anxiety. Just shaking all the time and my stomach is troubling me again and the worrying thoughts about that are back. I feel really disappointed as I thought these pills would stop all this nonsense! Trying relaxation but it's not working so think I will take a diazepam. Haven't taken one for 11 days so bit fed up with that. Seeing GP tomorrow so will see what he says. I know it's not a wonder drug but so hoped it would help with this chronic HA. Go away anxiety. Xxx
Hi Jilly, sorry to hear you ate struggling. See what your doctor says and don't feel bad about needing a diazepam that's what they are there for. Well done for not needing one for so long..thats great and im sure you will come out of this blip its a good sign you managed as long as you did.
Our illnesses aren't straight forward I still have days where I can't motivate myself and feel agitated..im just trying to accept those days and tell myself that tomorrow might be a better day. Be kind to yourself you have made some progress and this blip will pass!
We can do it I know we can xx
Hey Gem, hey Jilly.
I am feeling better today - but I did have a bit of a funny turn earlier where I couldn't fathom where I was in my work building despite working here for nigh on 26 years! That was actually quite scary but it was just a moment or two and then I realised.
I put it down to my head cold (I have also had a bit of the 'Cit fuzzy head' again this week).
I do actually feel on the up generally despite a couple of triggers at the weekend and Monday.
We do all need to stick together so keep your updates coming.
Hope to tonight goes ok Gem.
I can understand that being scary Marty thank God it didn't last long! I've never had that but I get jumbled with my words sometimes..my partner just chuckles when it happens.
I still get fuzzy head quite a lot and am having a lot of headaches the last few days. I'm at the doctors this morning so will see what she says.
My poor partner had an awful row at his parents last night..but we think now he has stood his ground they might back off a bit.
Hope you both have a good day x
I might tell my parents on Friday.
Will let you know.
By the way, I jumble my words sometimes too!!!
I hope that goes well for you Marty if you do decide to tell them.
My doc has taken me off cit today, she thinks my crippling tiredness is down to the tablets and felt my anxiety isn't improved enough after almost 8 weeks on them.
She has given me something called venafallaxin and said I'll probably have a tough 2 weeks changing but that she feels it will suit me better. I'm nervous but will try to keep positive about it and will still check in here to see how you guys are doing! X
---------- Post added at 20:11 ---------- Previous post was at 19:37 ----------
*venlafaxine ....spelt it wrong before
Good luck with that Gem, hope it works out for you :)
Speak soon
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