concordef-bvfd
04-03-14, 18:05
Hello, my name is James and I am a 15 year old boy.
I am experiencing a tough obsession (I hope it is!) at the moment about harming loved ones. This obsession has developed quickly and I am incredibly concerned. My life is a bit of a train crash; I live with my father (a doctor) my mother (a physio) and my brother (a six former).
I live in a house hold where there has been conflict for as long as i have lived. My mum is a very heavy drinker and I have to deal with that as well as a brother who has behaviour problems (he is violent). My dad is always working late and I am often involved in situations where it is not my fault. My mum is a good person but has been consumed with alcohol all of my life. My brother can get very violent over the smallest of things and I have to deal with them both. I try immensely hard at school because I want to have a secure home life when I am older with a loving family. I have struggled with odd all of my life and I thought i had beaten it until recently.
I often get beaten up, abandoned at school by a mother who is often too drunk to drive (she narrowly avoided prison) and I cannot invite my friends round because of the situation. My parents will probably get a divorce which will ruin my GCSEs which i am striving to get. I have always tried to be supportive of my mother but it is not easy when they show you so much abuse. My mum often falls over or becomes aggressive when drunk. She antagonises me and my dad and threatens me. She has a violent dog that frequently bites me and i am scared to come home sometimes. My mum is however very manipulative and she has turned my grand mother against me and has convinced social services that my dad is a violent bully (he is not). My mum bruises herself and tries to blame my dad. Social services believe my mum and my dad could get locked up and lose his jobs for injuries he has not committed. My brother often bullies my mum when she is sober and he threatens me and physically harms me. With the added edition of school stress and the home situation I am open to OCD. when my mum is sober she os excellent- kind, had working, pleasant, nice to be with and generally lovely. I really do care about her despite what she does to me.
I have suffered hocd which i eventually got over after about a year of intense pain and suffering. I realised I wasn't attracted to men but my brain kept telling me I was. I was not homophobic- it was just not who I was. I was feeling great after getting over the ocd and my school life was going very well. I was feeling incredibly positive and ambitious about my future.
Unfortunately however, I had a half term break where I got depressed. My mum was drinking heavily, I was ill tired and grumpy and my brother was controlling. I was left at home with nothing to do apart form homework and I couldn't go to my friends party because my mum was too drunk to take me. I was sworn at constantly for a week and I became ill with flu. My mum antagonised me and accused me of stealing her stuff when I was trying to support her. I had an extremely distressing nightmare where i killed lots of people- i was trying to kill my mum in my dream (I still feel terrified by it) but I kept killing strangers. I woke up screaming. For the rest of that day I was terrified I was going to commit a murder. I don't want to hurt anyone- it is my absolute worst fear. I keep fearing I will suddenly turn into a killer and murder people because elf these thoughts. I also worry that I will randomly kill someone in a fit of rage or that I am a psychopath in denial or that I am a hidden psychopath.
It has been two weeks since that nightmare and I am still terrified. I keep imagining myself in prison, stripped of all my rights and achievements and being looked down upon. I also keep wondering if I will turn into a serial killer and hurt others, which i find completely terrifying. I hat violence; I want to be free of these horrific thoughts. I am scared by them and the have just got a lot worse
because I ma terrified of killing my mother. I never want to do anything like this despite her being very violent and offensive towards me sometimes. I ma really really scared of these thoughts but I don't seem to show that detest towards them- it feels like i could hurt her but I never ever ever want to do that. Everytime I read a story in the press about a murder i feel as if I am the murderer. I never had these thoughts before that nightmare- i want them to go away so I can get on with my life. Am i a murderer- I feel so much like one but I really do not want to do it and I feel really horrifies by the thoughts. I want them to go away so much and I fear I will act on them. I fear i will kill an innocent person or loved one and spend the rest of my life in prison being looked down upon as a murderer. I literally think of nothing else- I am terrified. I have a churning anxiety feeling, bad stomach, lifeless legs, numb arms and a terrible stomach. I just want to go to bed because that is the one pace where i feel powerless to randomly hurt someone. I feel terrified- do I have OCD or am I a cycopath? I keep having to look for reassurance that I am not and I would seriously rather kill myself than harm anyone else. I just can't get rid of the thoughts. Do i have OCD?
I am experiencing a tough obsession (I hope it is!) at the moment about harming loved ones. This obsession has developed quickly and I am incredibly concerned. My life is a bit of a train crash; I live with my father (a doctor) my mother (a physio) and my brother (a six former).
I live in a house hold where there has been conflict for as long as i have lived. My mum is a very heavy drinker and I have to deal with that as well as a brother who has behaviour problems (he is violent). My dad is always working late and I am often involved in situations where it is not my fault. My mum is a good person but has been consumed with alcohol all of my life. My brother can get very violent over the smallest of things and I have to deal with them both. I try immensely hard at school because I want to have a secure home life when I am older with a loving family. I have struggled with odd all of my life and I thought i had beaten it until recently.
I often get beaten up, abandoned at school by a mother who is often too drunk to drive (she narrowly avoided prison) and I cannot invite my friends round because of the situation. My parents will probably get a divorce which will ruin my GCSEs which i am striving to get. I have always tried to be supportive of my mother but it is not easy when they show you so much abuse. My mum often falls over or becomes aggressive when drunk. She antagonises me and my dad and threatens me. She has a violent dog that frequently bites me and i am scared to come home sometimes. My mum is however very manipulative and she has turned my grand mother against me and has convinced social services that my dad is a violent bully (he is not). My mum bruises herself and tries to blame my dad. Social services believe my mum and my dad could get locked up and lose his jobs for injuries he has not committed. My brother often bullies my mum when she is sober and he threatens me and physically harms me. With the added edition of school stress and the home situation I am open to OCD. when my mum is sober she os excellent- kind, had working, pleasant, nice to be with and generally lovely. I really do care about her despite what she does to me.
I have suffered hocd which i eventually got over after about a year of intense pain and suffering. I realised I wasn't attracted to men but my brain kept telling me I was. I was not homophobic- it was just not who I was. I was feeling great after getting over the ocd and my school life was going very well. I was feeling incredibly positive and ambitious about my future.
Unfortunately however, I had a half term break where I got depressed. My mum was drinking heavily, I was ill tired and grumpy and my brother was controlling. I was left at home with nothing to do apart form homework and I couldn't go to my friends party because my mum was too drunk to take me. I was sworn at constantly for a week and I became ill with flu. My mum antagonised me and accused me of stealing her stuff when I was trying to support her. I had an extremely distressing nightmare where i killed lots of people- i was trying to kill my mum in my dream (I still feel terrified by it) but I kept killing strangers. I woke up screaming. For the rest of that day I was terrified I was going to commit a murder. I don't want to hurt anyone- it is my absolute worst fear. I keep fearing I will suddenly turn into a killer and murder people because elf these thoughts. I also worry that I will randomly kill someone in a fit of rage or that I am a psychopath in denial or that I am a hidden psychopath.
It has been two weeks since that nightmare and I am still terrified. I keep imagining myself in prison, stripped of all my rights and achievements and being looked down upon. I also keep wondering if I will turn into a serial killer and hurt others, which i find completely terrifying. I hat violence; I want to be free of these horrific thoughts. I am scared by them and the have just got a lot worse
because I ma terrified of killing my mother. I never want to do anything like this despite her being very violent and offensive towards me sometimes. I ma really really scared of these thoughts but I don't seem to show that detest towards them- it feels like i could hurt her but I never ever ever want to do that. Everytime I read a story in the press about a murder i feel as if I am the murderer. I never had these thoughts before that nightmare- i want them to go away so I can get on with my life. Am i a murderer- I feel so much like one but I really do not want to do it and I feel really horrifies by the thoughts. I want them to go away so much and I fear I will act on them. I fear i will kill an innocent person or loved one and spend the rest of my life in prison being looked down upon as a murderer. I literally think of nothing else- I am terrified. I have a churning anxiety feeling, bad stomach, lifeless legs, numb arms and a terrible stomach. I just want to go to bed because that is the one pace where i feel powerless to randomly hurt someone. I feel terrified- do I have OCD or am I a cycopath? I keep having to look for reassurance that I am not and I would seriously rather kill myself than harm anyone else. I just can't get rid of the thoughts. Do i have OCD?