Lost in Translation

[Deckardblues]

So here is me, not new on here, or to Citalopram, but it feels like i have been knocked by a sledgehammer. I was starting to recover, now i am back to square one again. I woke up this morning with a panic attack. I started drinking early on, just trying to numb me for a while, and i spoke to Samaritans for a while. I am just in a world of hurt, and it feels like it is never ending.
I even wrote my suicide letter this morning, not because i thought i would do it, but just needed to see how it would feel. I am not sure how it felt, other than knowing this is me feeling low again. I spoke to Samaritans for a while that helped. But now i am crying. I cut myself to release the pain.
I hate feeling like i do. Maybe this afternoon will be better.

Sometimes i truly am those two characters from Lost in Translation

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

Ahhh….DB, I am so sorry to hear you are in a bad way. What is your Cit dosage? Is it 40?

Are you getting any therapy? Seems that maybe some intense therapy would help you alleviate the terrible emotional pain you are in……

May seem trivial, but are you able to work out? You might be able to sweat out a lot of your anxiety and get that dopamine kicking in…….

[Deckardblues]

I do run. That does help. My dose is 30mg. It seemed to be working fine, and it just hit me. I find cheesy outlets for my emotions too. I have been watching all the Friday films.
Therapy wise, well had the initial assessment but just waiting to start the actual counselling. But thanks. Just need to cut out the actual drinking part.

[TooMuchToLiveFor]

I, personally, know how hard it can be to not use methods of "self-medication", but that little relief in the moment of sedating yourself----is both keeping the Cit from working properly and keeping your anxiety baseline at a higher level. (Of course, you know all of that, but just encouraging you to act on what you know.)
Since you struggle with alcohol- what about checking in with AA and getting going there as another tool in your tool belt? Also, how do you feel about checking in with your GP to see what he thinks about your dosage, etc?

[Deckardblues]

I will be seeing my GP in about two weeks. My alcohol hasnt been a major problem, but it is just heightened by certain stressors. You know its funny, but this moment i feel fine, but in an hour i will feel terrible. I sometimes wonder if i am bipolar.
I see your from the States. I just realise sometimes, depression, anxiety is everywhere.

[Deckardblues]

So here is me fellow listeners. Its the 9th March 06.36 here in England, and i am on a works computer. I have decided to seriously try and remove the alcohol from my life, which i use as a substitute to try and help my depression, when i should be relying on the Citalopram. I see my GP in about ten days, so want to know what he says. In the mean time, i will just try and get through today, come on here, see you great people.

I have just depression big time again though. There i was, cruising on the 30mg, thinking i was okay, and a couple of tiny triggers come along, and it can send you into this spiral. I got an anxiety attack yesterday morning, first in a while. I cut my leg a few times to release the pain. I just feel so low in my mind. Its this horrible feeling. I speak to Samaritans, and the Sussex Mental Healthline. They are good. Work know i have been having a low patch, but when the sadness hits you, its very hard to escape.

[Marty_67]

Hey Deck. How long have you been on Cit? (sorry I forget) I hit a real low spot about 8-10 weeks on 40mg Cit. It was awful. But I battled on and everything now feels better.

Perhaps you need to up your dose to 40mg which was my GP's maximum recommended dose?

I turn to alcohol sometimes too. Not majorly, but remember that the alcohol will reduce the effectiveness of the Cit.

It's never easy Deck but I took it one day at a time (see my signature block below) until I realised that I felt a lot more ok about stuff. It was hard - everything mattered to me, suffered with paranoia, low self-esteem and nothing felt 'right', OCD, I over-analysed, felt very down and irritated. Now I can say that I do feel better.

I spent so much time comparing myself to 'normal' people. Evertone has skeletons and secrets and fears and I now realise that nobody is really normal!

Don't be too hard on yourself mate, please try to dig in and carry on. It WILL get better :)

[Deckardblues]

Your a gent Marty, and thanks for your words, they mean a lot. Today isnt too bad, tomorrow, well who knows..but life is for today..

[Marty_67]

I had quite an anxious day today, but all work related. I think it may actually of been proper 'normal' anxiety...but I dug in and saw it thru.

It's been a good week or two but I am still guarding against the old demons.

Deck, Zee and others - I do look for your posts, always good to hear how you are doing :)

Us Cit people have to stick together you know!

[Deckardblues]

Work can bring out many anxieties, and it seems like demons are just around the corner. Every day brings a new challenge, and some of the time, it is just factors beyond your control, the world being pretty crazy. I have had worse days, but i am just ever present of danger lurking around the corner.
Your right us Cit people have to stick together, and its nice that you look out for us Marty. Back at you mate.

[Marty_67]

Hey Deck.

Had a funny couple of days - not full on anxiety but I have been thinking of things that I have not worried about for a while. However, it is nowhere near as bad as it has been and I wonder if I am feeling tired and just need a bit of rest.

I now find myself coming on here not so much to get things of my chest but to help and support others! I am naturally quite confident and chatty around people and I am very grateful to the people who are assisting in my recovery (yourself included).

There really is no overnight fix to this. It probably will be a life long struggle but I do want to feel better and I won't have this beating me. It's funny you mention about 'control' and the world being crazy (unpredictable), with CBT I have realised that you cannot control everything and you have to accept the world and all the individuals in it for being just that. Individuals and unique at that. After all, it would be a crazy world if we were all the same wouldn't it?!!!

Sorry for being so 'deep'!!! :)

All the best to you mate