Feel totally useless

[mummyanxious]

Bear with my rambles but I had a bad night again last night. I was gardening yesterday and I felt dreadful when id finished. Nothing massively strenuous but I was probably out that about 4 hours. I couldn't sleep properly. My legs ache so much I feel like they'll go from under me and the front of my thighs actually hurt even though I can't understand why because I wasn't really doing much with my legs other than walking about. I felt totally sick I thought I was going to be sick a couple of times when I woke up and had a couple of hot flushes.
I've come to the realisation I think I might be depressed. I've been through a stressful marriage breakup involving my children who now I don't see every other weekend. So when they're not here I'm very sad and when they are I feel like I can't cope with them and that I'm a failure. I'm not surprised they prefer going to their fathers.
I don't have energy to clean the house, motivation to do something. I'm fed up of people telling me I should enjoy the time I have to myself, meet new people etc etc. well all this fills me with fear too. I hate my job but the thought of looking for a new one again fills me with fear. All these thoughts whooshing around my head.
And then the worry with how I feel all the time.
I just want to have energy.
I can see people going out now for walks and jogging. God I wish I could jog.
I've referred myself for counselling again and have ordered a mindfulness cd which I'm waiting to arrive.
I wanted to go out in the garden again today but every time I stand up I feel dizzy and very weak. I'm only in my mid thirties but I feel about 70. It doesn't help I saw someone mention that weak legs were a sign of heart problems. With these pains in my chest I just want this ECG over but I've got to wait over a week for that yet. And pains when I'm exercising. I don't know whether its just muscular or whether I do have angina or something wrong.
Sorry for going on. If you've read this you've done well. It's more to get my thoughts out than anything.

[Primula]

I've felt like this all week. Shaky legs, aching the whole lot. But I know it's mostly caused by anxiety. I took my dog for a walk for the first time this week, and I felt so sick and shaky, but I just kept saying, "one foot in front of the other" and before I knew it I was out in the sweet fresh air, and almost enjoying myself.

Just choose little tasks to do, and try to immerse yourself. Today I'm going to walk dog, and iron school uniform, and my Anxiety is not going to stop me.

Also remember, all those happy people we see going about their lives, I'll bet a lot of them have problems too.

Remember we are not alone with this.....read the Acceptance thread. :yesyes:

[mummyanxious]

Thank you for your response. I have read the acceptance thread when I was awake in the middle of the night.
I have pmt at the moment which isn't aiding my mood.
I just don't know where to start to get better. I need something to give from my daily grind. Work really but I can't get signed off. I just need some breathing space to get myself well.
I am even getting anxious and fearful of things I look forward to now. I'm looking forward to seeing my children again but I am scared about them coming back. It really is pathetic.

[Primula]

Stop trying to feel better. It's ok to feel like this. I know what you mean about being scared of everything. Just let time pass and try to occupy yourself. I'll try to write more later., but husband shouting for me to get up and have breakfast.

[mummyanxious]

Thanks for your support. I'd love to let time pass but there are always demands on our time and energy aren't there and I just don't feel like I'm physically and emotionally able to do everything.
You think wow kids away for a weekend, got lots to do, clean the house, sort the garden, and then relax.
Beautiful blue skys today and I feel sick and nauseous and weak :(

[Primula]

When I say let time pass, I don't mean sit there and do nothing. What I mean is don't put a time limit on feeling better.

Just choose the really important things you have to do today, and tell yourself you will do these things slowly and methodically, and your feelings can come along with you if they want to.

My important things today are:
Walk dog
Put washing on and peg out
Iron only whats necessary for tomorrow
Clean bathroom.

Anything else I will only do if I feel like.
Believe me I would prefer to go to bed and pull the covers over my head, and that's what happened last Sunday.

Also go to your doctor and tell her/him what you are feeling, I'm being referred for Cbt by mine. In the meantime, have a look at some websites on mindfulness, it really is an amazing tool. I will put some links on later. Big hugs. X

[Nova84]

Mummyanxious. Hello from another mummy here. I have four children and my marriage ended 3 years ago.

You are not totally useless, you are a lovely mum that is having a hard time. I don't know why us mothers will not cut ourselves some slack. Perhaps it's because we feel we are not allowed to fall apart. Always have to be strong.

You are feeling depressed and it sounds to me like you are too, but you have already taken steps to help with that. If you have a smart phone, there are mindfulness apps you can use right now. Counselling will help too. The very fact you have reached out for help proves you are not useless. You can and will get through this difficult period.

[mummyanxious]

I can't believe how I can come back from this. I've suffered with anxiety on and off over the years but this past year it's just hit me like a ton of bricks and since Christmas things have been the absolute pits. I am constantly shaking. Anything even remotely taxing, even meeting friends makes me panicky and buzzy. I am letting my children down so badly. I feel like I'm setting them up to be with their father. Like I'm making myself unwell so they'll enjoy being there with him and won't miss me. I think I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I was desperately happy when I got married and it all for snatched away.
God I really am down today.
I've done what I need to do for today bar the homework and making the pack up for tomorrow.

---------- Post added at 11:17 ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 ----------

Thank Nova, cross posted there as you were replying. Do you know what the apps are called? Ill try anything. I just want to feel even a little bit normal. Just made the kids beds after washing the bedding yesterday and felt like I was going to collapse. I want to be happy. I deserve happy time with my children not this miserable existence my ex has left.

[Primula]

I promise you I have felt all this and more, and you can get better., but it won't be an instantaneous thing. You have had a very difficult time, and it's natural that you are now feeling at the end of your tether. The fact that you are asking for help is good. Do you have friends or family that could help you share the load?

Do you have a good understanding friend or family member you could confide in?

---------- Post added at 11:37 ---------- Previous post was at 11:24 ----------

Do you have a kindle or iPad, the best book I've read on mindfulness is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. He may well have a website, where you'll find lots of links. If you have a smartphone you can download kindle app I believe.

[mummyanxious]

I've got a kindle yes. Will look that up.
Just been looking at the apps for my phone as well.
I rely far too much on my family primula. That makes me feel worse as I just don't feel I can look after the children by myself atm. And I am hiding this from my ex as I don't want him using it as an excuse to get the children :(

---------- Post added at 12:05 ---------- Previous post was at 12:03 ----------

It's so difficult trying to be normal all the time in front of people. What I don't do these days is avoid doing things but sometimes I think this makes me worse as I have to endure being somewhere with all these awful sensations washing over me while trying to be normal and jolly.