Loneliness due to family rift

[creative1942]

I'm new on here and posting for the second time only. I need to tell my story in the hope someone somewhere will get back to me to be a new friend, even though I'm retired and a bit older than a lot of you. The loneliness is crippling me.

I moved from across the country at the end of last year to be near my daughter and her partner who'd just had a baby. Ia was asked if I could look after the baby when my daughter went back to work and of course, like any doting nanna, I said yes.

I must admit I hated Bath. It was all so different to Suffolk where I'd lived happily for years. I was initially prescribed Sertraline 50 mg due to ongoing anxiety and when this didn't improve my gp increased my dose to 100mg. In late January I was starting to feel a bit better. I used to take the baby, whom I adored, out every day to playgroups. She was only 5 months old but she had a great time. After one particular session I decided to go into Waitrose for a coffee and thought I'd give the baby a feed at the same time. The café assistant put the boiling water for her bottle into a thermos flask and screwed the cap on. She then put this into a jug and screwed the top on this too. The buggy was heavy to push so I put the unit on top of it and started to push it towards my table. Suddenly the baby let out this piercing scream, I undid her harness, pulled her out, her little tights were soaking wet and as I pulled them off a huge blister came off with them. It was horrendous. That poor poor baby. I ran down to the counter, the baby's leg was held in cold water for 20 minutes, paramedics rushed us to A+E, baby was given diamorphine then rushed to the burns unit at Bristol. The scald was on the inside of her right leg. My daughter was as white as I sheet, I felt like throwing up, I was then told to take my hands off the baby's head and leave, that I was never going to see the babe ever again. For two months I have done nothing but apologise and ask them to please please let me have news of my granddaughter. All I get is no nice news at all, that I'm evil and how much my daughter hates me. That "you've done this...my own mother...you've done this". Its just "I hate you so much" and "goodbye". She's refusing to give back a huge amount of money that is mine, all that I have actually, my life savings, and is going to blackmail me if I try to legally get it back. I'm just in bits. My anxiety is off the wall, I'm soooo lonely, my gp says to keep busy and try and get to some groups to avoid getting isolated. She thinks all this is so cruel of her. That she's doing it to punish me. But I can't take all the hatred. She's always been self-centred and cold/dismissive of people who upset her. My friends in Suffolk say I'm too soft and should not keep pleading with her. I miss my granddaughter so much. I idolise her. I don't think I'll get to see her again. My daughter told me two years ago "you are dead to me" when she was terribly upset about something she believed was my fault and didn't contact me for months. Even then she kept on and on and on criticizing me. Her partner says I deserve to get no friendly news of the baby "because I've done nothing to make recompense". I don't understand this as I'm not allowed to see the baby and all I get are words of hatred from her when I have made contact. Has anyone on here had a family rift? I feel like I've been catapulted into a whole new world, I keep seeing in my head the entire cafe scalding. I keep hearing the baby's scream. I can't get it out of my head.

[Catherine S]

I can understand that your daughter would be in shock about her baby's injury, but its quite cruel of her not to acknowledge that what happened was a terrible accident which shocked and traumatised you too. It doesn't sound as if you and she were close before the baby came along though, so i'm assuming you moved possibly only to be part of your grandchild's life. If she wasn't pregnant would you have moved to be near to her? Rather than beg her forgiveness which she refuses to give, or beg her to be able to see your grandaughter, would it not be better for your health that you move back to Suffolk? When you say she has a large sum of money belonging to you, do you mean she is holding it for you or that she owes it to you from a loan you made to her? Either way, don't let her threat of emotional blackmail stop you from getting it back...after all what more can she do that she hasn't already done re your grandchild? If you really aren't in a position to move again, try to follow your doctor's advice about joining some clubs, or getting a part time job or something to stop you dwelling too much on your sadness. It does take courage when you have anxiety or depression. And there are always people to talk to here who will encourage and support you.

ISB :)

[creative1942]

No we weren't close once she reached university age -- her well-off father deserted her at the age of seven so I brought her up on my own. He's never given a penny for her upkeep and when I read her emails to me she sounds EXACTLY like him, cold, dismissive, patronising. I know it sounds horrible to say that but she does. I don't know if it's a fallacy that personality genes are passed down but it turns me cold when I read the way they're written as it brings back all his icy cold patronising ways I couldn't cope with. Yes I might well have to move back to Suffolk. My stomach is in knots here in Bath, knowing no-one and dreading bumping into her around the town. I manage to sleep ok thank god,but the moment I wake up the feeling of utter "dread" washes all over me and the stomach churning lasts all day. Til bedtime again. I daren't try legally to get my money back as I couldn't take the outcome of the blackmailing. She knows this. Sorry that first email was so long. Sometimes you just have to go with it and pour your heart out.

[Zingything]

What a terrible position to be in. I feel for you. I do however agree with 'I still believe'. If financially you are able I would 100% move back to Suffolk. I would also try and get my money back, your daughter wouldn't expect that. If she does feel the need to try and blackmail you, I am sorry but I wouldn't let that it be a contributing factor of any decision to move or get my money back. As said previously, what more can she do? the situation is clearly making you unwell and unhappy, and unless it is going to be resolved and your daughter forgives you for the accident with your granddaughter, then I would go home to Suffolk. You can still try and contact her in the future, but at least in the meantime you will be back with your friends who will support you. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do xx

[SarahH]

I kind of agree with the above comments,,,, it's a very sad situation to be in but I think only time will heal these wounds:shrug:

[Cheesemonster13]

I agree with the above comments, you have done your best to try and reconcile with your daughter, and now you should think about what's best for you and your health. Some people cannot be reasoned with and (I suspect), it gives them a sense of power when they can cold shoulder someone, particularly when they can justify it to themselves and others. All you can do is accept the situation, and think about what you can do to help yourself.

My situation is similar, in that I've moved to another part of the country to be with someone and I think it was a mistake. If I could afford to move back home I would, but as I can't I am going to make a life for myself here and give up on my unrealistic dreams of what my life should be like.

All the best :)

[creative1942]

Thank you for your nice understanding reply. These replies really help me you know. It's like I don't feel so alone in all this. And I'm so sorry you are also going through regret. Good luck to you in what you have decided to do. It sounds the best course of action and a sensible decision :) xx

[PanchoGoz]

I'm sorry to hear of this, I hope she realises soon how much she has hurt your feelings.