Come up against problems "believing"

[harasgenster]

This is a problem I've had before, but there's certain things I learned in therapy I'm having trouble actually believing.

Me and one particularly ex split up about six years ago. I have had several relationships since.

With me and this guy I felt a way that I had never felt before and believed this feeling to be so rare that I wouldn't feel it again. All I can say is that I felt really happy in the relationship and life didn't seem "pointless" anymore - it was a much more intense feeling of love than I've had before or since.

It wasn't until last year, in therapy, when I explained this that I was told that's how relationships are "supposed" to feel - that I should expect to feel besotted, at least at some point in the relationship. This was a total revelation to me, as I had been going out with people who I felt less for because I considered my aspirations of feeling the same intense love to be unrealistic. Basically, I was told my expectations were not too high, they were in fact too low!

To some extent this helped, as it gave me more optimism in life. I previously felt like I had reached the pinnacle age 19 (I'm now 27) and would never feel as fulfilled in a relationship again.

But even though I've been told that I will one day feel that much in love again, I'm having a lot of trouble actually believing it. And I can't help thinking that he probably feels that kind of intense love with every girl, so it's nothing special to him, and that some other girl out there is probably feeling the kind of happiness I felt, and I'm really jealous and lonely!

I tell myself that there is an extraordinary likelihood that I will one day meet another person and I will feel that same type of love again, but I'm struggling to actually believe it. The problem is that it's only happened once and I've been in loads of relationships, so through experience alone it feels unlikely, if you see what I mean. And then the jealousy and loneliness hits.

Also, I can't help but feel like a bit of a loser because I haven't seen this guy for 6 years and I still think about him a lot, and he's probably forgotten about my very existence (like normal people, I tell myself). I know this is an unhelpful way to think, so I remind myself there is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion when I feel this way and allow myself to feel it.

The good news is, I'm coping with this really well and it's not affecting my life or functioning like it would have 12 months ago, but I'd still like to do something to help my confidence in this area, as I'm concerned it may affect how much confidence I have in future relationships (if every man I meet I think 'yeah, it won't be as good, though', that's just shooting myself in the foot!)

So what do you do when you just can't really believe something that could help you?

[Oosh]

I dont think there's a person alive who hasn't doubted there's someone out here for them who'll make them feel like that.

If you want to be realistic and rational about it though, of course there is.
When you're in the company of people is when you feel or don't feel it. A lot of it happens subconsciously. You probably don't even have a say in it to be honest.
You just have to put yourself with that person. And you say you've been doing that which is brilliant. I think you just need to do it more.
When you're sitting opposite that person you'll know. Your only problem is enduring all of those that don't make you feel a thing.
I think it's admirable you're trying people out. Anyone who's serious about finding someone they GENUINELY want to be with, it's the only way to go.
Keep looking until you feel it. Be sure to walk away if you don't.

[Fishmanpa]

I've loved several times in my life and I can honestly say it's been different every time. I can remember that intense first love relationship when I was 18...the newness, the passion, the intense feelings, the unrelenting libido ~lol~ I haven't had that kind of relationship since and I don't think we're supposed to. The pain of a breakup or other negative aspects of a relationship's demise change us, sometimes for worse but most of the time for the better whether we realize it or not. We can have equally intense feelings and passion but it only makes sense that it will be different as we're different as we grow and mature.

Now? With my finance', at 55 years old this is the best and most loving and passionate relationship I've ever had. I don't know if I could ever love anyone more than I do her. We've been together over three years and I love her more today than I did yesterday and I know I'll love her more tomorrow. She's smart, creative, beautiful, caring and a dozen or more positive adjectives I can list.... I know, I know... gooey isn't it?

Relax, of course it will happen and most likely when you least expect it. You're young! Heck... I waited close to 15 years to find true love again. Not that I didn't have some fun trying ;)

As far as that guy from 6 years ago? What harm would come from finding out what's going on? We watched the movie "Dear John" last night. It was charming and reminded me of what you're talking about. Fairy tales happen too ;)

Positive thoughts