harasgenster
10-03-14, 18:18
This is a problem I've had before, but there's certain things I learned in therapy I'm having trouble actually believing.
Me and one particularly ex split up about six years ago. I have had several relationships since.
With me and this guy I felt a way that I had never felt before and believed this feeling to be so rare that I wouldn't feel it again. All I can say is that I felt really happy in the relationship and life didn't seem "pointless" anymore - it was a much more intense feeling of love than I've had before or since.
It wasn't until last year, in therapy, when I explained this that I was told that's how relationships are "supposed" to feel - that I should expect to feel besotted, at least at some point in the relationship. This was a total revelation to me, as I had been going out with people who I felt less for because I considered my aspirations of feeling the same intense love to be unrealistic. Basically, I was told my expectations were not too high, they were in fact too low!
To some extent this helped, as it gave me more optimism in life. I previously felt like I had reached the pinnacle age 19 (I'm now 27) and would never feel as fulfilled in a relationship again.
But even though I've been told that I will one day feel that much in love again, I'm having a lot of trouble actually believing it. And I can't help thinking that he probably feels that kind of intense love with every girl, so it's nothing special to him, and that some other girl out there is probably feeling the kind of happiness I felt, and I'm really jealous and lonely!
I tell myself that there is an extraordinary likelihood that I will one day meet another person and I will feel that same type of love again, but I'm struggling to actually believe it. The problem is that it's only happened once and I've been in loads of relationships, so through experience alone it feels unlikely, if you see what I mean. And then the jealousy and loneliness hits.
Also, I can't help but feel like a bit of a loser because I haven't seen this guy for 6 years and I still think about him a lot, and he's probably forgotten about my very existence (like normal people, I tell myself). I know this is an unhelpful way to think, so I remind myself there is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion when I feel this way and allow myself to feel it.
The good news is, I'm coping with this really well and it's not affecting my life or functioning like it would have 12 months ago, but I'd still like to do something to help my confidence in this area, as I'm concerned it may affect how much confidence I have in future relationships (if every man I meet I think 'yeah, it won't be as good, though', that's just shooting myself in the foot!)
So what do you do when you just can't really believe something that could help you?
Me and one particularly ex split up about six years ago. I have had several relationships since.
With me and this guy I felt a way that I had never felt before and believed this feeling to be so rare that I wouldn't feel it again. All I can say is that I felt really happy in the relationship and life didn't seem "pointless" anymore - it was a much more intense feeling of love than I've had before or since.
It wasn't until last year, in therapy, when I explained this that I was told that's how relationships are "supposed" to feel - that I should expect to feel besotted, at least at some point in the relationship. This was a total revelation to me, as I had been going out with people who I felt less for because I considered my aspirations of feeling the same intense love to be unrealistic. Basically, I was told my expectations were not too high, they were in fact too low!
To some extent this helped, as it gave me more optimism in life. I previously felt like I had reached the pinnacle age 19 (I'm now 27) and would never feel as fulfilled in a relationship again.
But even though I've been told that I will one day feel that much in love again, I'm having a lot of trouble actually believing it. And I can't help thinking that he probably feels that kind of intense love with every girl, so it's nothing special to him, and that some other girl out there is probably feeling the kind of happiness I felt, and I'm really jealous and lonely!
I tell myself that there is an extraordinary likelihood that I will one day meet another person and I will feel that same type of love again, but I'm struggling to actually believe it. The problem is that it's only happened once and I've been in loads of relationships, so through experience alone it feels unlikely, if you see what I mean. And then the jealousy and loneliness hits.
Also, I can't help but feel like a bit of a loser because I haven't seen this guy for 6 years and I still think about him a lot, and he's probably forgotten about my very existence (like normal people, I tell myself). I know this is an unhelpful way to think, so I remind myself there is no such thing as a 'bad' emotion when I feel this way and allow myself to feel it.
The good news is, I'm coping with this really well and it's not affecting my life or functioning like it would have 12 months ago, but I'd still like to do something to help my confidence in this area, as I'm concerned it may affect how much confidence I have in future relationships (if every man I meet I think 'yeah, it won't be as good, though', that's just shooting myself in the foot!)
So what do you do when you just can't really believe something that could help you?