phil6
10-03-14, 19:06
I cannot believe I am posting here again.
The last 12 months or more have been a story of ups and devastating lows.
I have tried SSRIs which nearly drove me into the ground. I have recently tried Mertazapine which helped me sleep but all these meds have side effects. I am now med free and have been for a fortnight. I find I just cannot get on top of my anxiety with the added worry of medication. I have recovered several times from this in my life with self help and acceptance but this time it's been hard.
I most definitely simply have anxiety about anxiety. Fear of the feelings of fear.
I don't have any real reason to worry and my life is stress free, even boring now.
To make things harder I do get good days when I cannot understand why I am anxious and cannot believe why I cannot just let go and allow myself to drop the subject and allow my anxiety to just run it's course. I had a great day yesterday, then I wake today with a churning stomach and dread, and I carry on as normal. I avoid nothing and carry on even though I feel very uncomfortable. Eventually I cannot resist the urge to go surfing the Internet for reassurance and any new tips on acceptance. Of course I have already read every book, and most web sites and so I find myself frustrated with finding nothing new.
I love "nothing works". It makes perfect sense to me but by this evening I really cannot hold back the tears of frustration and self pity and I bawl like a baby. I think I know why... Because it relieves the symptoms even if only for a while. And it just demonstrated my lack of acceptance.
This is another kick in my own teeth. It's such a disappointment and reinforces the thought the "I cannot cope... I cannot do this.... Etc"
I need to stop researching, reading... I need to find a way to reassure myself that I can survive this and really let go without it getting on top of me this way. It gets me nowhere.
I eventually stop and feel flat... But worse is the feeling that I have lost any feeling of confidence that I can ever feel that it's OK to be anxious, that I have lost confidence in my plan of recovery, learned from CBT and self help books and other resources. I feel I am failing and letting my family down again!
I am in the mode that others can recover, but I cannot.
I have managed to go all day with anxiety and not reacted so badly but if I am honest the day swung between accepting and wishing it would stop. But recently I cannot resist the urge to get angry and frustrated that I cannot stop resisting it or trying to think it better. I am fully aware that this makes things worse but I cannot seem to understand this... I feel stupid, useless!
I also promised myself there would be no more posting here, no more researching and I even failed this.
Sorry for the rant....
Phil
The last 12 months or more have been a story of ups and devastating lows.
I have tried SSRIs which nearly drove me into the ground. I have recently tried Mertazapine which helped me sleep but all these meds have side effects. I am now med free and have been for a fortnight. I find I just cannot get on top of my anxiety with the added worry of medication. I have recovered several times from this in my life with self help and acceptance but this time it's been hard.
I most definitely simply have anxiety about anxiety. Fear of the feelings of fear.
I don't have any real reason to worry and my life is stress free, even boring now.
To make things harder I do get good days when I cannot understand why I am anxious and cannot believe why I cannot just let go and allow myself to drop the subject and allow my anxiety to just run it's course. I had a great day yesterday, then I wake today with a churning stomach and dread, and I carry on as normal. I avoid nothing and carry on even though I feel very uncomfortable. Eventually I cannot resist the urge to go surfing the Internet for reassurance and any new tips on acceptance. Of course I have already read every book, and most web sites and so I find myself frustrated with finding nothing new.
I love "nothing works". It makes perfect sense to me but by this evening I really cannot hold back the tears of frustration and self pity and I bawl like a baby. I think I know why... Because it relieves the symptoms even if only for a while. And it just demonstrated my lack of acceptance.
This is another kick in my own teeth. It's such a disappointment and reinforces the thought the "I cannot cope... I cannot do this.... Etc"
I need to stop researching, reading... I need to find a way to reassure myself that I can survive this and really let go without it getting on top of me this way. It gets me nowhere.
I eventually stop and feel flat... But worse is the feeling that I have lost any feeling of confidence that I can ever feel that it's OK to be anxious, that I have lost confidence in my plan of recovery, learned from CBT and self help books and other resources. I feel I am failing and letting my family down again!
I am in the mode that others can recover, but I cannot.
I have managed to go all day with anxiety and not reacted so badly but if I am honest the day swung between accepting and wishing it would stop. But recently I cannot resist the urge to get angry and frustrated that I cannot stop resisting it or trying to think it better. I am fully aware that this makes things worse but I cannot seem to understand this... I feel stupid, useless!
I also promised myself there would be no more posting here, no more researching and I even failed this.
Sorry for the rant....
Phil