MarkJames3
12-03-14, 15:21
Hi Guys,
I have been on and off this forum for a few years now, sometimes i seek solace in it when I have something wrong and read that others have the same problems but also find it a very scary place when I casually read a post and then think well I have had that symptom… what if I have that cancer too etc.
My anxiety started in 2008 when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and shortly after I had a nightmare trip to the dentist which scared the life out of me (before then I was one of a few who didn't mind the dentist). Since 2008 I have had 4 people in my family circle have Cancer (my broth in law dying from it) currently my dad is going through skin cancer (simple operation to remove it).
Alongside all this has been happening my health anxiety has ebbed and flowed sometimes I have been bad and sometimes been better… early on I had guided self help which I thought helped at the time but obviously it was no long term fix. I have had tablets which I just felt masked the problem so stopped them… I have also had hypnotherapy which again i thought was the answer to all my prayers but in the long run hasn't helped.
I recently went through another bout of guided self help, and started to feel better then the stuff with my dad came along and although I thought I was handling it well evidently I am not.
Going into 2014 and my 30th year I was determined to change my ways, I have a son and am getting married in 2015 and didn't want that to pass me by… I made little changes like stopping caffeine and getting to bed earlier.
Then bam about 4 weeks ago as some of you may have read I found a lump in my mouth… after 4 doctors visits and 2 dentist visits and still counting all have not been worried in the slightest and said to come back in 6-8 weeks if its still there…. Thats where in the first problem lies… by them putting a timescale on it I feel like I am on a deathwatch and countdown for the next 8 weeks when I go back and they turn around and say "ah actually yeah this could be serious"…
In these past 4 weeks I have had positive periods where I think 'ah it will go, stop worrying and enjoy life' to ' it salivary gland cancer, and it won't be treatable and I'm just sitting around waiting for the diagnosis'
I really feel at the moment I am on the biggest downward spiral, every time I think I am at my lowest I go even lower… its affecting my fiancee and my 2 year old son doesn't have his dad to engage with because my mind is elsewhere.
I know I am stressed through all this worrying and when people say "try not to be stressed as you will make yourself ill" i then run on the thoughts of 'oh god I am so stressed if i haven't got cancer already I will definitely get it now through stress"
I feel like I have symptoms and pains all over my body that just won't go, I focus on them 75% of the day… when I am distracted or asleep they go….
But I just can't tell what is anxiety or real anymore… a pain in my groin… is that cancer or is it my mind?
Everyone tells me the mind is a powerful thing… but can it stretch that far to give you a random pain in your groin or itchy arm pits which I have had on and off for 5 years.
My fiancee and sister who I chat to a lot about how I feel, tell me I am not helping myself and I don't WANT to get better… I feel I do WANT to get better but then when I actually think about it I am not pushing myself to get better because my mindset right now is "ok I can feel happy for the next 4 weeks but when the lump is still there and I go to the docs and they diagnose me… all that happiness or else worrying was a pointless exercise"
Again my partner says not being harsh but I actually probably revel in my own misery and its comfortable for me to be worried and anxious, its a habit and all I know.
I am constantly checking myself and trying to kid my brain into thinking I am not reassurance seeking when I actually am without realising it…
My point to all this… is the slim hope that there is someone out there that feels the same way… and also a hope in that maybe someone or some people can help me sort a path out to try down..
I am so exhausted feeling this way… I feel so depressed when I see someone laughing in the street, I wish so much to be like that person.
I feel in a constant cycle of stress causing symptoms and symptoms causing stress and I don't know how to break it, I don't feel like I have the will to break it…
I would just love to feel stress and worry free and rational so that when I do have a pain or lump etc I can assess it properly without a skewed view and wondering if anxiety is causing it…
I hope all this makes sense and if you have got down to this far I truly thank you… I know I have rambled on, I just feel stuck in a hole with no rope to get out….
I have been on and off this forum for a few years now, sometimes i seek solace in it when I have something wrong and read that others have the same problems but also find it a very scary place when I casually read a post and then think well I have had that symptom… what if I have that cancer too etc.
My anxiety started in 2008 when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and shortly after I had a nightmare trip to the dentist which scared the life out of me (before then I was one of a few who didn't mind the dentist). Since 2008 I have had 4 people in my family circle have Cancer (my broth in law dying from it) currently my dad is going through skin cancer (simple operation to remove it).
Alongside all this has been happening my health anxiety has ebbed and flowed sometimes I have been bad and sometimes been better… early on I had guided self help which I thought helped at the time but obviously it was no long term fix. I have had tablets which I just felt masked the problem so stopped them… I have also had hypnotherapy which again i thought was the answer to all my prayers but in the long run hasn't helped.
I recently went through another bout of guided self help, and started to feel better then the stuff with my dad came along and although I thought I was handling it well evidently I am not.
Going into 2014 and my 30th year I was determined to change my ways, I have a son and am getting married in 2015 and didn't want that to pass me by… I made little changes like stopping caffeine and getting to bed earlier.
Then bam about 4 weeks ago as some of you may have read I found a lump in my mouth… after 4 doctors visits and 2 dentist visits and still counting all have not been worried in the slightest and said to come back in 6-8 weeks if its still there…. Thats where in the first problem lies… by them putting a timescale on it I feel like I am on a deathwatch and countdown for the next 8 weeks when I go back and they turn around and say "ah actually yeah this could be serious"…
In these past 4 weeks I have had positive periods where I think 'ah it will go, stop worrying and enjoy life' to ' it salivary gland cancer, and it won't be treatable and I'm just sitting around waiting for the diagnosis'
I really feel at the moment I am on the biggest downward spiral, every time I think I am at my lowest I go even lower… its affecting my fiancee and my 2 year old son doesn't have his dad to engage with because my mind is elsewhere.
I know I am stressed through all this worrying and when people say "try not to be stressed as you will make yourself ill" i then run on the thoughts of 'oh god I am so stressed if i haven't got cancer already I will definitely get it now through stress"
I feel like I have symptoms and pains all over my body that just won't go, I focus on them 75% of the day… when I am distracted or asleep they go….
But I just can't tell what is anxiety or real anymore… a pain in my groin… is that cancer or is it my mind?
Everyone tells me the mind is a powerful thing… but can it stretch that far to give you a random pain in your groin or itchy arm pits which I have had on and off for 5 years.
My fiancee and sister who I chat to a lot about how I feel, tell me I am not helping myself and I don't WANT to get better… I feel I do WANT to get better but then when I actually think about it I am not pushing myself to get better because my mindset right now is "ok I can feel happy for the next 4 weeks but when the lump is still there and I go to the docs and they diagnose me… all that happiness or else worrying was a pointless exercise"
Again my partner says not being harsh but I actually probably revel in my own misery and its comfortable for me to be worried and anxious, its a habit and all I know.
I am constantly checking myself and trying to kid my brain into thinking I am not reassurance seeking when I actually am without realising it…
My point to all this… is the slim hope that there is someone out there that feels the same way… and also a hope in that maybe someone or some people can help me sort a path out to try down..
I am so exhausted feeling this way… I feel so depressed when I see someone laughing in the street, I wish so much to be like that person.
I feel in a constant cycle of stress causing symptoms and symptoms causing stress and I don't know how to break it, I don't feel like I have the will to break it…
I would just love to feel stress and worry free and rational so that when I do have a pain or lump etc I can assess it properly without a skewed view and wondering if anxiety is causing it…
I hope all this makes sense and if you have got down to this far I truly thank you… I know I have rambled on, I just feel stuck in a hole with no rope to get out….