So so sick of this now

[cloudbusting]

I need my NMP friends tonight :weep:

So fed up ! This weekend has been a bit of a 'heavy' one as we were away at a music event that I had a hand in organising. Two extremely late nights, lots of stress and running around, bad food, only the one glass of wine as a treat to myself (I don't drink thanks to panic disorder :blush:) ... I know that this all adds up and can only have one outcome ...

Driving back earlier today with my husband, daughter and her friend in the car I just felt completely overwhelmed and had an odd sensation in my ear. It has been giving me grief for a few months now, I know that there is fluid stuck behind the eardrum and it does cause tinnitus, a low rumbling noise at times worse than others. It wasn't pleasant and, of course, in my current highly nervous state I went into the mother of all panic attacks. Had to pull over, let my husband take over the driving which was a total nightmare as I get travel sickness as well :lac: I was shaky, a bit dizzy, feeling like I was going to 'lose' it, heart going like mad ... I know that I don't need to tell you all.

Anyway, managed to get home and I was a wee bit calmer but I went to bed, drained.

I am really, REALLY trying folks but I am rapidly losing the will now. I can't enjoy anything in my life as everything feels blighted by fekking anxiety !!!

I am careful about what I eat, I never drink alcohol, I never have caffeine, I exercise, I have started meditation, I do my breathing, I 'float', I ignore it, I welcome it, NOTHING IS WORKING.

It's like having a monkey on your back, isn't it ? 24/7 even on the calmer days it's there, lurking.

I don't really know the point of this post, I just needed to get angry and get it off my chest. No one in my 'offline' life understands, I know that. I just feel stuck.

Lisa x
:wall:

[KLP]

Sorry to hear this, have you done any reading?

This thread help me put another perspective on what was happening
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=147031

Also reading claire weekes sleep help for nerves, is very good insight.

Lastly, nothingworks.weebly.com, from someone who has been through this and knows the cure.

Just remember you're not alone.

[NotCool]

"I am careful about what I eat, I never drink alcohol, I never have caffeine, I exercise, I have started meditation, I do my breathing, I 'float', I ignore it, I welcome it, NOTHING IS WORKING."

You're doing it right. You MUST keep at it. You wrote that this weekend was really stressful on you, so you have to leave yourself a bit of slack, and not feel bad if you slip and get a panic attack. I mean damn, "Two extremely late nights, lots of stress and running around, bad food", that sounds like it takes a huge toll not only on a person suffering from anxiety, but on a "normal" person as well. :) Don't wallow in despair, but instead be glad that you're managing this so well - look at it from this perspective: When you were busy at the music event you did not get panic attacks! When stress was the highest, you didn't fall to anxiety. That MUST mean you're kicking ass.

[Round in circles]

I agree with NotCool. The weekend at the music event sounds like a real achievement. You should be proud of yourself. Yes, you're needing a bit of recovery time but that's completely understandable. The fact still remains.. You did great!

[cloudbusting]

Thanks Folks, your replies are very much appreciated.

Hey KLP - I have read TMTLF's 'Dragon' posts. They are very powerful and articulate and express perfectly how so many of us feel on here, don't they ? TMTLF is also a very supportive member of this Forum and, despite her own troubles, always has time to rely to others and share her wisdom.
I also have the Claire Weekes books, which are just brilliant. Maybe I need a refresher :shades: I think I shall read 'Self Help For Your Nerves' again. Thank you for your reply x

NotCool - thanks ! I didn't look at it like that, that I didn't fall to anxiety during the event ... it would have been very easy to, especially on the second evening when we kept having power cuts :scared15: I would have been hugely surprised if I had emerged from the weekend completely unscathed, all things considered, bit - I'm still here. My husband is worried about me but his concern comes out as impatience and anger and, as we were in the car together, the added worry of having to tell him I needed to stop for a while didn't help :shrug: Thanks for the reply x

Round in circles - cheers ! :yesyes: It was a GREAT weekend, all told. If anyone is interested and would like to Google it the event is called 'Seaside Rock' and we are about to start planning another :yahoo:

Oh well, another day ...

Lisa x

[LeFi_81]

Lisa! You really should feel proud of yourself. The one thing I also struggle with is "letting time pass". I mean to say, every second, minute, hour, day, week, month is part of my LIFE! Why can I not just put this whole panic thing behind me and go on with my life? Tick tack.

What you did this past weekend is something I can only dream about now. I am only at going to the supermarket alone, feeling drenched and rotten afterwards, but happy to have a full fridge. :)

Getting rid of the negative feelings by posting them is good in my opinion.

Last but not least...Congrats on being part of such an event!
Keep up the good work!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Lisa! You really should feel proud of yourself. The one thing I also struggle with is "letting time pass". I mean to say, every second, minute, hour, day, week, month is part of my LIFE! Why can I not just put this whole panic thing behind me and go on with my life? Tick tack.

What you did this past weekend is something I can only dream about now. I am only at going to the supermarket alone, feeling drenched and rotten afterwards, but happy to have a full fridge. :)

Getting rid of the negative feelings by posting them is good in my opinion.

Last but not least...Congrats on being part of such an event!
Keep up the good work!

Well done for tackling the supermarket, its a very important step. Many people find those large busy places a real stressful challenge. Keep at it, it will get easier, I know because Ive been there myself.


There is a thread about somewhere.

---------- Post added at 03:34 ---------- Previous post was at 03:30 ----------

Lisa, can I ask whether you were enjoying what you did despite it being stressful?

If you did try to remember that. Does the good outweigh the bad, for instance. Think "I suffered later but it passed and I had loads of fun and felt good about myself" and maybe the negatives will subside over time.


Did you have to build up to this event with smaller goals? If so, its still a step forward for you.

[cloudbusting]

Hi again :)

LeFi ... thanks so much for your supportive post. The weird thing is, I *can* manage to get up and sing on stage, or arrange something like I did this past weekend - but I go to pieces in the supermarket. Or the cinema, or a crowded shopping area or ... well, you don't need me to go on :) If somebody could please work out why that is the case for me I would be forever in their debt ! LeFi, you are incredibly brave and strong. You just go ahead and DO IT because you know that you have to and, as rotten as it makes you feel, you still get on with it - and that's amazing :hugs:

MyNameIsTerry - Hiya. I did enjoy parts of it, yes. The first night in particular was really great (before the powercuts the following evening !) and myself and the other two organisers felt really proud of what we had achieved. I didn't build up to it, really - I already sing in a band and you just cannot let other people down, the audience who have paid to see you and your fellow bandmates. So, I have had horrendous anxiety and panic during our practices but manage to forget that when we play (your mind is focussing on other things when you are working).

Weird, huh ?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Possibly weird, although perfectly normal to us lot on here I'll bet.

I can understand because some really basic stuff bothers me but harder things dont. For example, I was having a really bad few days and had to help rescue a guy trapped under heavy equipment in a small supermarket (only 2 ladies working as it was near closing). Yet, Im worried about making a call to my bank. I didnt really feel anything at the time, just did it.


Someone who hasnt felt anxiety just cant understand it. In your case, I'm betting they would all say "if you could do something that nerve wrecking, you must have the confidence to do anything" but we all know that the strange anxiety beast doesnt work like that.


When you are singing, you know what to do, you're in control. In practice, is it more back & forth, more critical, about "negatives" & "what ifs" with a view to prevention & improvement? Some people need to concentrate on something to stop their anxious mind feeding their thoughts so dont like something that isnt interactive or constant. Do you feel under scrutiny in practice?


Supermarkets seem to be an issue for a lot of people. In some ways they a bit clinical and soulless. Smaller ones feel easier to me, so perhaps its easier than all that space & stuff to get around. The big ones are all rushing, annoucements, shouting, etc as opposed to the slower quite ones. Its perhaps a feeling of being out of control in them or lack of confidence being a bit faceless in those places or even that other insecurities come forward when they would normally be shut out by your creative side.

[Jakeutler]

hey cloud, sorry you're feeling so crappy lately. I have a similar problem in that I can go out for several hours to a bar with friends on the weekend with tons of people around but put me in a grocery store or a movie theater and I'll fall apart within minutes. The only thing I can come up with is that the noise and interactions tend to take my mind off the severe anxiety for a bit while being at a movie or supermarket leaves me alone with my thoughts. But other than that I'm in the same boat as you, sometimes it just seems random to me

[MyNameIsTerry]

It could also be the security & reassurance of your friends Jake. It doesnt make needy, its just like you said, no time to worry because your mind is distracted.

Maybe its self trust or lack of confidence on your own, even at a subconscious level?