View Full Version : Anticipatory Anxiety
The anticipation of anxiety is one of the triggers that always gets me going. Knowing I'm getting ready to be put in a situation that generally brings on panic attacks is never any fun, but worrying ahead of time about a panic attack that hasn't even happened yet is the pits.
My partner is getting ready to leave to go back to Atlanta for the next ten days to two weeks, to care for her Mother who is having surgery. I'm already dreading it. I'm conjuring up in my mind all of the awful "what if's" that could happen. Making myself nervous before the fact.
Being left all alone to handle all of the myriad responsibilities of work, home, three dogs, two cats, and a sick Father. Being left all alone in the month of March, when every single woman on my Mother's side of the family dies.
I am creating my own stress. Nothing but anticipatory anxiety. Nothing but a big, empty bag of "what if's". And what am I afraid of? Truly afraid of? Bottom line is that I'm afraid of NOT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE IT!
Isn't that what most of us are afraid of at the core? Not being able to handle whatever comes our way: death - the ultimate fear, panic attacks, anxiety, fear of heart attacks, dizziness, passing out and there being no one there to help us, waking up from a bad dream with a pounding heart, sleepless nights filled with anxiety. No one there but us and not being able to handle whatever happens. Again, all of the "what if's" that scare us to death.
If we knew that we could handle anything that came our way, what could we possibly have to fear? We have to learn to trust ourselves again - to know that we don't have to be in total control. Learn to believe that we can handle whatever life throws at us in a particular moment.
Fear of the "what if's" holds us back. Not believing in our own competency and our own abilities holds us back. Our self doubts keep us in that horrible state of anticipatory anxiety. Our self doubt is a sure fire way to bring on the anxiety and the panic. Where do these self doubts come from? Does it really matter?
I, for one, am going to try to keep on telling myself that I CAN handle whatever life throws my way. I CAN handle the "what if's" even if I'm scared. I'm going to try my best to live in the present moment and not worry about the future. I can handle right now.
Isn't that what most of us are afraid of at the core? Not being able to handle whatever comes our way: death - the ultimate fear, panic attacks, anxiety, fear of heart attacks, dizziness, passing out and there being no one there to help us, waking up from a bad dream with a pounding heart, sleepless nights filled with anxiety. No one there but us and not being able to handle whatever happens. Again, all of the "what if's" that scare us to death.
That above paragraph is everything I can use to describe my anxiety. I feel your pain I truly do. It's living hell- have you looked into mindfullness. About living in the here and now? I try to adapt it into my life when I feel myself going under. Big hugs to you xxx
Hi Tanner,
The amazing thing about the human spirit is that we handle things. Regardless of the circumstances, the situation, why, what and when, we deal with it and move on. One look at the world as a whole, the disasters, political upheavals, fire, famine, whatever the situation, people deal with it. If we couldn't, we'd be gone as a species. Between friends, family and ourselves, we have a support system and there are even people, perfect strangers, that are trained to help with just a phone call.
That being said, it's perfectly natural to feel trepidation and fear when faced with a stressful situation. One look through the forums here and you can see dozens of them. The common fact is that regardless of them, people still go on. Nothing terrible happens. What If's, as you said, can stop you from doing many things. They can also propel you to a position of power and strength.
One thing I know, based on the limited knowledge I have of you is that you are strong enough to handle this situation and more. You've already handled more than most in a short period of time and have shown resilience, resolve and strength far above many. One step at a time, one day at a time and the journey continues.
Positive thoughts
Charlotteee89
18-03-14, 14:07
I'm suffering from Anticipatory Anxiety at the moment! My main AA is being at home by myself... I had a bad panic attack out of the blue 5.5 weeks ago at home at night which made me feel so isolated, imprisoned & lonely, so now every time I'm at home or finishing work I get anxious over the thought of being anxious & having all those thoughts & feelings again (obsessional thinking). What makes it harder is that I don't drive so I spend a lot of my spare time at home. It's so frustrating!
I suppose it's the same as when I had severe Social Phobia - You have got to 'expose' yourself to your fears for you to be able to not fear them anymore. I have to be able to be at home & to be able to 'ride through' my AA because eventually it will subside. It's not going to be easy though. :/
TooMuchToLiveFor
18-03-14, 14:12
Good morning, Tanner. :)
What day does your partner leave?
Would this be helpful? Actually sitting down and writing down the schedule/itinerary/plans for each day she is gone. Being as detailed as you like. Every time you run across a thought of something that could/will go on that day that gets your anticipatory anxiety going- write it down, but then write down all of the many solutions that you will put in place for those scenarios. Having a good game plan always helps me as it gives me that feeling of control I long for, but also keeps it open for contingency plans if things aren't going exactly how I would like.
You absolutely are going to be fine, and think of the incredible surge of empowerment you will have when you look back and see how well you did during these ten days! Especially with all you have going on and the time of year that is a trigger for you…..it will solidify that those things have no power over you. There is no "curse of March" that applies to you. And, this opportunity is going to give you the chance to see that.
Another thing that might be good is to try to schedule some "phone dates" with your lovey so that you can watch a favorite tv show together over the phone. My husband and I would do that sometimes when apart for long durations. Was something to look forward to, and made we realize he wasn't ever too far away.
Each moment on its own is always doable. One moment at a time, my friend. :hugs:
Thanks to everyone who has responded. I will probably leave this as a running thread for the next 10 days or so, and that will help me to guage my strength.
I know that I can do this. I will say the the anticipatory anxiety is bothering me a bit as I didn't really expect to feel it as much as this. As Fishmampa stated, the human spirit is a resilient thing. I expect to draw strength from that idea. I know that I am a strong person, and this is a particular trigger for me. My first and worst wave of panic attacks began after a traumatic experience, and when my ex left for two weeks for the holidays. I don't ever want to live through anything like that again. But I don't expect to, as I have learned a great deal over the last decade or so.
Too Much - the idea of having an agenda is a great plan for me, and writing down the fears as they arise will give me a rational manner of combatting those irrational thoughts. You're right when you say that each moment is doable. I must just go with the moment in the present time and stay away from the "what if's".
TooMuchToLiveFor
18-03-14, 16:39
I think, too, because you are so far along in your journey that you may be able to "forecast" what scenarios could get you riled up….not so much "what if-ing" but just knowing if "this" or "that" arises….then "this" is how I will handle it. That way if anything comes up- you have already planned for it. I know that is a fine line between staying in the moment and fortune telling the future, but as an advanced anxiety warrior….I do think it might be helpful. I am actually going to implement this technique myself when my husband leaves for work for two weeks later on this Spring.
You really are going to do great!
Hi Tanner,
This really rings a lot of bells with me.
Most of my anxiety is all about doubting my ability to cope and I continually worry about feeling it when in certain situations. I wake today, and almost immediately start trying not to think about anxiety, and of course this is a good trigger. Then I start imagining feeling like this when I am away on holiday, or out for a meal or whatever.
It's almost frustrating that often I don't experience my worst nightmares and feel ok when actually doing.
But you are absolutely right. The whole problem is our fear of not coping. We try and prepare ourselves through worry, but this is a waiste of time.
The bottom line is learning to believe that we will cope even if a panic attack comes in whatever situation we find ourselves. So how do we foster this belief. I think we have to look at the facts. Although it is true that it may never happen, there is always the thought that it might. So, I think we have to accept that we have the ability to cope if it does happen. And we must understand that we will cope. We always overestimate the catastrophe and underestimate our ability to cope.
It may be uncomfortable, but it is just anxiety, just a feeling.
And remember there is only one thing we have to do, and that is become less afraid of anxiety. All the rest of the thinking is just rumination and unhelpful.
I am not there yet, but I have to keep reminding myself that the aim is not to care if I am anxious. It's ok for now and will pass. Try and learn to tolerate it and understand that it is not intolerable.
And if you are like me, there are days when the anxiety is gone. You can see the truth. There is no danger, no problem and of course we can accept anxiety. The other thing I am learning is that it is not possible to think this way when anxious, it's just not. I can even write a note to myself when feeling ok but it doesn't help. The only thing that helps is realising this. Our minds have been hijacked by the anxiety. All you can do is recognise that this has happened and not try and think your way out.
Phil
Phil, you make such a great point when you say that we try try tom prepare ourselves by worrying about what is to come. When you put it that way, I must say that worrying never helped me prepare better for anything. Too Much talked about writing down an itinerary and a contingency plan. These are good ways to prepare. The worry will getnus nowhere very quickly.
Today, I am going to realistically look at my ability to cope. If I do that without fear and trepidation, I will realize that I can handle whatever comes my way. I feel good about my path for the last couple of months. I recognize that being alone for an extended period of time is a trigger for me. I will not let it worry me. If I feel some anxiety, I will let is pass.
My partner is leaving this morning and I already have the days itinerary written out, with contingency plans. I'm determined that I'm going to have a good day.
Tanner,
The only thing I find is the more I am determined to have a good day, the more likely I will fail. It's almost like I set a standard and the pressure to succeed starts the stress.
I know that anxiety doesn't do me any harm but there usually comes a time in the day when the anxiety starts to make me think that it is starting to get hard to accept and then the emotion starts to really kick in. I always then probably add to the effect with some panicky thoughts that reinforce the feeling of becoming defeated. It's at this point that i always feel that I should be able to choose to carry on and not react with more emotion. If at this point I despair I know I am reinforcing the frightening idea that the anxiety is too hard for me to cope with. Of course it is not... I can make a conscious choice not to go down the self pity, despairing, emotional route.. But I still too often do.
I think this is the time to pass through these intense moments with some kind of detachment. It is very hard but must be eventually learned. New behaviours at this point can only build new beliefs and confidence.
Phil
TooMuchToLiveFor
19-03-14, 21:21
Hey, my friend,
How has the day gone?
Just thinking of you as I think you are an hour ahead of me, so probably getting off work and heading home before too long…….
Just wondering about your itinerary for the evening….what do you have planned for dinner? Do you have a favorite Wednesday night show, or a movie picked out?
Hope your partner arrived at her mom's safe and sound, and that you are feeling good so far today!
Hey there Too Much, thanks for checking in. The day at work went well, as I stayed very busy. Of course I had a migraine aura first thing at work but I decided not to let it bother me. It went as quickly as it came and all was well.
Went to visit my Father before I came home and as usual, I left there sad. He has a way of making me feel an outsider, just as he did much of my childhood. I will have to journal a bit about that later, as pieces of that are still stuck in my mind.
As for tonight, I just came back from walking my crazy German Short Haired Pointer, Gus. He is more my partners dog and he has way too mush energy, even at the age of two. I wish I had his energy sometimes. I have every intention of relaxing on the couch and watching some guilty pleasures. Food Network and Restaurant Impossible. I used to own a restaurant and find the show amusing.
Dinner, hmmhhhmm, don't know yet. Something quick and easy. That's a given. Everything is fine; it just feels strange not waiting for someone to come home. I'm trying to think of all of the times that I would give my left arm for some peace and quiet.
TooMuchToLiveFor
20-03-14, 01:56
Hey Tanner,
I am sorry to hear that the time with your dad left you with some negative emotions. It is good that you are a "journal-er" as that is such a healthy way to release those feelings.
A restaurant, huh? Neat! My husband has always been in the hospitality industry, and we actually own a couple of restaurants now (franchise chains). Would love to hear more about your past with that!
We did leftovers tonight…..well, actually we did leftovers last night and still had some- so this was leftover- leftovers. Bleh. LOL!
I have decided to take my two monkeys to the zoo tomorrow. Now if that isn't setting myself up for high anxiety I don't know what is! A four year old, a seven month old, the zoo on Spring Break on what looks to be the prettiest day so far this Spring….it's going to be crowded, chaotic, and crazy…..FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!!! Lol!
Well, hope you are cozy in your pjs and just enjoying the wonderful mindlessness guilty pleasure tv can bring!
Charlotteee89
20-03-14, 02:38
Ugh I really hate Anticipatory Anxiety. :weep: Everything I'm used to doing I'm now over-thinking & worrying whether I'm going to be anxious doing it especially if I've already been anxious or panicky during it... :wacko:
Half the time you don't even realise you're getting anxious over the thought of being anxious... It's a vicious cycle which I'm trying to get myself out of.
Anticipatory anxiety is a vicious cycle, Charlotteee. Sorry to hear that this is happening for you right now. Somehow, we have to learn to trust ourselves again, surrounding very ordinary circumstances. My first day and night have gone well and I expect today to go the same. I have found the answer is tackling the irrational thoughts that pop up and not giving any credence to them. Seems to be key for me concerning anxiety in general.
---------- Post added at 11:13 ---------- Previous post was at 11:04 ----------
Too Much, girl you really are a glutton for punishment. The zoo on the first day of a pretty spring break. Chaos indeed. Try to keep your two little monkeys out of the real monkey environs.
I must say that I have a real aversion to left over left overs. Blegh is right. I had beef stew and home made biscuits. Comfort food indeed.
I had read that your husband was in the restaurant business. Certainly a tough business to crack. I was a director for a huge company, doing the corporate America thing for fifteen years, when I decided to get out and open a cafe. The cafe specialized in crepes, gelato, coffee drinks and craft beers. It was in a historic home across from the only downtown park in Lexington. Fun place with live music by local acoustic musicians on Friday and Saturday evenings. I could write a book. Terribly fun experience which I wouldn't repeat again. I worked 24/7 for three years. I closed the cafe down about two years ago and went back to the world of Corporate America. Now there's a blegh for you.
All in all I had a good day last night and a good morning. Hope you and the monkeys have a great outing at the zoo.
Charlotteee89
20-03-14, 22:38
It is definitely horrendously difficult! :/ I can have a few days where I feel much better & it feels like my anxiety stuff was in the past but then out of nowhere I suddenly get my panicky symptoms & that starts off the anxious/irrational/obsessional thoughts which then make me even more anxious!
I find my anxiety is worse when I'm bored, especially at night. I do have anticipatory anxiety at night anyway but boredom makes it 10x worse. I've always spent a lot of time at home which never really bothered me - I enjoyed just chilling out! But now I can't stand it. I'm finding myself getting agitated easily & I get this overwhelming urge to just get out of the house as I feel like I'm in prison. :unsure: I find I can't even 'distract' myself with things I would normally do without thinking anything off as my mind is very aware of the fact I'm distracting myself, I get thoughts like "You're only doing this cause you're bored!" "They're just distractions from your boredom & loneliness!" It's so annoying! I'm very sensitized at night now. Constantly in the 'fight or flight' mode so I'm alert anyways! :wacko: I have obsessive thoughts about loneliness which are obviously going to get worse when I'm in my house.
Charlotte, some days it feels like two steps back and then one small step forward. Early on in recovery, at least for me, it was very much like that. Even now, I have those kinds of days. I find that when I get physical symptoms, it's usually because I am so sensitized to my body that the slightest thing can set me off. Earlier I began to feel nauseous, so I immediately thought "here I am alone and it's my heart". Whoa Nellie! I sat down and wrote down that irrational thought and then put the lies to it. I turned it into a rational thought and did not panic.
I find that CBT techniques help me a great deal.
As for being bored at night time, I feel as if I'm waiting around for something. Bored an no one coming home. So I have to find something to do that will occupy my mind. Watching mindless TV or reading a book. Taking my dogs for a walk. Calling a friend. Sometimes we just have to become comfortable with the boredom. Easier said than done when you are so sensitized, I realize.
Just helping you helps me. Know what I mean?
TooMuchToLiveFor
21-03-14, 00:46
Hey there, Tanner! :)
Hope your day has been well, and that you are having a good evening!
Just checking in to let you know I am thinking of you!
Charlotteee89
21-03-14, 01:59
Yes I feel the physical symptoms come cause I'm already sensitized (which I don't necessarily realise) & it doesn't take very much to, like you said, set it off. :)
I keep reading about writing every irrational or obsessive thought down & exposing yourself to them as eventually they'll mean nothing to you... Think I might try that! I get so many rushing through my head sometimes that it might be difficult to remember each one.
I'm definitely trying to distract myself but like I said I'm very aware that I'm distracting myself so distractions don't always work & can make me feel very panicky. Maybe I should try different distractions, one's I don't normally have. Maybe the repetitive-ness of my distractions is making me more anxious - the idea of the routine which can get so boring when you notice it when you have anxiety. I think also what doesn't help is that in my distractions I keep finding triggers that set off the obsessive thoughts.
Yeah, I know what you mean.. Advising other people can cause you to advise yourself. :)
I find typing all my thoughts & feelings on here helps me make sense of it all - It's quite therapeutic. :)
Good Morning everyone! This is the third day of my partner being out of town and so far, my evenings have been pleasant. I've had a small underlying current of anxiety but it's all been good. CBT techniques are working well for me whenever I begin to think silly thoughts.
It seems the more that I expose myself to being alone, the easier that it becomes. I just keep telling myself that I can handle all of this and I am. This experience should really be helpful to me in the long run, as it will cause me to face one of my fears and build my self confidence. The more self confidence that we have surrounding things that previously frightened us, the less fear that will evolve.
I'm finding myself starting to be thankful for this situation. I'm starting to try to see this as an opportunity for growth. It truly is all in how we choose to look at things; all how we choose to think about things. Changing out thought patterns changes our reactions and our behaviors.
Charlotteee89
21-03-14, 23:03
Glad you're doing okay. :)
It's interesting that you said "It seems the more that I expose myself to being alone, the easier that it becomes" as for me the idea of being alone absolutely terrifies me & causes me no end of anxiety (that's what initially triggered this current bout).
Maybe I should try embracing being alone? My anxiety has got being alone or lonely & boredom completely mixed up so when I'm alone (especially in my house) I freak out & think I'm extremely lonely. Obsessive thoughts then start racing through my mind. Completely over the top, irrational thoughts. But it's very hard to not be convinced by these thoughts.
I really wish my Therapist wasn't on leave as I could really do with learning some CBT techniques to help me through this hurdle. I have moments when I feel pretty good & 'normal' but it doesn't take much to trigger the obsessive thoughts which then completely ruin the good mood I was in.
The growth part is interesting too! Never looked at it in that way before! I suppose we see anxiety as such a horrible, negative experience that seeing it as anything else is very difficult. I admire your positive thinking. :)
Charlotteee, being alone with no one to help me has always been one of my triggers. It comes and goes in regards to severity. There have been year long periods in my life where it hasn't bothered me at all and I haven't given it a second thought. There have been other times when my anxiety levels have been high and it has once again become a trigger for me.
I find that there are times that I have to "fake it till I make it" so to speak. I am still getting anxious moments. Woke up this morning with extremely tight shoulders, tight scalp, burning type of headache and indigestion type pains under my left ribs. Instead of going to that anxious over the top place, I wrote about it and used CBT techniques. Put the lies to the thought.
I figure that thinking about the situation positively will help me more than not. There is a free CBT course on line that I use that is very helpful. Also a book by David Burns. You might give those a try.
TooMuchToLiveFor
22-03-14, 13:42
Good Morning, Tanner!
The dragons must be feeling frolicky on this early Spring day!
I, too, had a very fitful night of sleep with stressful dreams and lots of waking/trying to go back to sleep. Right off the bat this morning before even getting up my heart is racing, short of breath, tingly arms, chest tight, nervous electricity coursing through….you know the drill.
So- time to write out a game plan. I am past the actual panic loop I was having in the recent BLIP, but the raised anxiety and physical symptoms are begging to stay.
*Gonna finish going through some threads here
*Make blueberry pancakes for my little man (and my big one too)
*Straighten the house
*Take on a house project that I can do with my hubby today since he is home from work.
What is on your itinerary today?
Has your partner's mom had her surgery yet? Just think…..you are already nearing halfway through- and are doing great! I was wondering if the weekend would be your biggest opportunity to flex your "staying alone" muscles as you won't have work to distract you,…..but I am sure you have lots of tasks that will fill your day.
It's back to being cold here again, but at least it is sunny!
TooMuchToLiveFor
24-03-14, 02:19
Hey Tanner,
Hope the weekend went well for you overall, and that you are feeling empowered and ready to take on the week ahead!
Just checking in to let you know I am thinking of you!
Good Morning everyone. A better morning than yesterday, I might add. I woke up yesterday with a pretty good sized panic attack, which took me a good thirty minutes to get out of. It was really no more difficult being alone, having the panic, than it would have been had my partner been here.
I won't give all the gory details but I will say that I was convinced for about two minutes that I was having a stroke. I immediately tried breathing slowly and deliberately and within a few minutes, I began too feel better, although my immediate urge was to run and run fast. I sat with the panic and journaled all of my irrational thoughts. Then I used CBT techniques to put the lie to those thoughts. It all worked well and I was fully self aware that I had just slept wrong during the night.
I was left with a low level anxiety throughout the day but it didn't stop me from having a productive day at work. I came home and took care of the dogs and ordered Thai food for delivery. Read a book and focused my thoughts elsewhere.
This experience of being alone for the last seven days has not been easy but it's been good to face my fears and be successful at it. With that said, I'm lonely and ready for some help around the house and with the dogs. I miss my partner. She has put off her return trip for another few days because her Mom is still in the hospital.
I feel a bit selfish but I am allowed to have feelings too. I understand that she wants to be there for her Mother so I am going to continue to try to be supportive, although I'm not always very successful at that.
Thursday is also the anniversary of my Mom's death and that is generally a sad time for me. I am going to try to find some way to make that an uplifting day. A daynof celebrating her life instead of her death.
Hoping everyone has a good day.
TooMuchToLiveFor
25-03-14, 11:23
Hey Friend,
So glad your morning is better today than yesterday! I am so proud of you concerning how you handled yesterday. Your "dragon fighting muscles" are getting stronger and stronger. You couldn't have a more perfect storm of circumstances for this time that you are alone, and you are weathering the storm in a way that shows how in charge you are- and that the dragon is just an annoying mosquito that you are able to keep swatting away.
I know that it is especially hard that your partner will be gone some extra time. We get so focused on that day when they will be home, and it is so disappointing when that goal line gets moved forward again….., but it will certainly cause your relationship roots to go even deeper if you can direct your feelings in a way that will be supportive to her in this. You are absolutely allowed those feelings that you want her home sooner, but if she is going to stay- you have the choice to make it harder or easier- on both of you. And, there is a good possibility that this extension will give you a final opportunity to really master this time alone and all that comes with it. Hang in there…..you are doing so great! Take this as one more thing with which you are being challenged- and conquer it with the grace you show in all of the other challenging areas of your life.
I will be thinking of you and sending you extra love and prayers on Thursday. I think it is great idea to think of what you can do to make that day a celebration of your mom's life.
Have a great day today, Tanner! Will check in tonight to see how your day went. :)
Hey Too Much, your words really resonated with me on choices that we make. I can choose to be supportive about my partner spending additional time in Atlanta or I can choose not to be supportive. My feelings will indicate my actions which in turn will perpetuate feelings. In other words, as you said, I can choose to be supportive or I can choose to make it harder on the both of us. I have chosen to be supportive. Apologized and told her that I want her to stay as long as she needs to in order to feel comfortable.
Today should be a taxing day at work as I have yo terminate an employee. It's necessary but that doesn't mean I will enjoy it. I know that the employee has done this to them selves but I always think of the repercussions that it will have on their family. It always creates drama and uncertainty among other employees because you can't tell them why the other person deserved to be fired. So here goes a day of drama.
How are things going with you, Too Much. Is the dragon still shrinking or do you still have your sword out swinging?
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