Hi.Boy, what a mess...

[weplant]

I found this site about a week ago and have been posting. Everyone is truly amazing.
I am a young 60 year old female. I have suffered from anxiety/panic attacks all my life, but managed to live a active, productive life. There was always certain places that made me uncomfortable (concerts, etc.).
In my 40's , my 11 year old son was hit and killed by a speeding driver. My world collapsed. I virtually lived in the fetal position in hysterical crying for 1 year..then my husband and I started a business in his memory..DJ's Growing Place (DJ for dustin James, it is a plant nursery)..That definitely saved my life..I cried everyday, but was doing something productive..I went thru all the anger, the hate, the why's (that can make you crazy)..I began to isolate the feelings, because they were to painful..I hated everyone and everything around me that was feeling joy...Over the years I endured..Worked very hard at the nursery and reached out to others that may have lost a child...I was still having my anxiety/panic attacks, called the ambulance at least 5 times, was sure I was dying..But, the next day I iwas back at work and getting by...about 1 1/2 years ago, my mom got unexpected ill and passed..I was with here while she was dying (did I mention, she was truly my best friend). It was horrible..I had never seen anyone die before. I did not see my son after he was killed..I feel I snapped at this point and realized that my son really died..Since then, I am pretty much housebound. The anxiety has turned into 24/7 fear/panic. I feel ill all the time. Dizzy, chest pains, weak, disconnected, i am going to faint, just going to die..I feel bad at home, but it gets worse when I go out.I have let this go on to long, so now it is harder and harder to leave the house. I have not been at the nursery for 1 year, my husband is having to take on the extra work load. I don't feel like it is in my head. It is so physical. I also feel the physcial symptoms first and then the thoughts come to my mind..I am like this the moment I wake up..I am now seeing a therapist and a pshyciatrist. I have just started low dose citalopram and having a very hard time with it...Thats it in a nutshell..So happy to be here and feel like I have a new circle of friends...debbie

[Lucym681]

Hi Debbie. It's great that you are starting treatment. It's the first step on the road to getting you feeling human again. I also have called an ambulance while having a panic attack. No one else seems to understand! I thought I was dying, couldn't breathe and had incredible chest pains. We then do worry about having another attack, it's just a viscous cycle really. Good luck and keep us updated x

[Round in circles]

Hi Debbie. You've been through so much tragedy. It may not feel like it but you sound like a really strong lady. I saw my grandpa who I was very close to just before and just after he died. I still wish I had never seen that, as it affected me a lot. Although the reasons are different, I too hardly leave the house. I have huge feelings of dread when I get to the front door.

You still have a lot of grieving to do. I think this is your body's way of telling you that. It's good that you have a therapist now. Keep talking.. To the therapist, to us, to whoever will listen. You'll get through this. Take it one day at a time. All any of us can do. :hugs: