Constant HIV anxiety

[OntheVerge]

So I've always had this fear of HIV (since my father passed away when I was 16 years old)
I had an HIV scare months back when I was sick for weeks on end after performing oral on a guy I was seeing.
Now I'm in another HIV scare and so afraid to test next week.
2 weeks after performing oral and frottage with a guy who is the brother of a friend and I was seeing at the time (who claims he tests every year and has come up negative) I became very ill, was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection which then became allergies this week.
It will be 5 weeks since the encounter happened on monday and on the 6th week I'm going into a sexual health clinic for a full STD panel and rapid HIV test.
I can't shake that he may have infected me with the virus again even though that night I felt like I could trust him.
Another reason I am afraid is because the night after he completely cut off contact with me and won't respond to my texts and it's not as if I can just make his sister tell me his sexual status at all.

Once again, I feel sad, disposable, used and lost. I've never had sex before and now I'm afraid that I have HIV and will never get to feel that emotional connection in an intimate relationship with someone because I have convinced myself I am HIV positive with no results.

I know I was stupid but I don't know where to go from here. I suffer from anxiety and depression and just feel like caving in and giving up. Every time I think of HIV or relationships I want to cry and hurt myself.

[Catherine S]

When you say he may have infected you with the virus again...you surely can't have been infected before? Or have I read that part wrong? The best thing you can do is take the test and wait for the results to be honest. I know you want somebody to make it all go away but you need to take the test just to be sure.

[OntheVerge]

I meant that my fear has come up again that I am infected, sorry for my poor wording I still Believe!
When I had my first "scare" I tested negative and found that the symptoms I was experiencing was all from the encounter.
I am going to test for my own piece of mind but it's extremely scary I don't know who to talk to in this or where to go. That's why I come here for reassurance and support from strangers bc I have no network here.

[Catherine S]

Sorry for the confusion and somebody here will probably relate to your fears I'm sure, but its 1am here so may not be too many awake at the moment.

[RoseEve]

It is very hard to contract HIV from oral sex. But if you are going to worry like this if say next time use a condom (yes even for oral sex) and get an HIV test. When I was worried that my husband may have cheated on me (he didn't) I had an HIV test put my mind right at ease.

[Fishmanpa]

Hi OTV,

Fear of HIV certainly can cause some major anxiety and there are many posts on this subject (use the search function).

The ladies have given you good advice. I'll reiterate what was said and put it more bluntly. DO NOT ENGAGE IN RISKY SEXUAL BEHAVIOR!

If you have a fear and anxiety of HIV and engage in sexual activity without protection or knowing your partners status, it's akin to having a fear of lung cancer and smoking. Get tested and refrain from future careless behavior.

Positive thoughts

[OntheVerge]

Hi RoseEve we partook in oral and frottage (genital to genital contact with no insertion/penetration -- sorry for the TMI readers) I know both acts are theoretical risks even my doctor has told me this but I just have this feeling in me that says something is wrong. I'm not to sure if it is a matter of anxiety (I pray that's all it is) and I'm talking it up but I know better and will test next week to see where I am.

Fishmanpa
Thanks will do… will come back when I have my results. Praying for the best.

[Fishmanpa]

Based on the statistical risks, I'm confident it will be good news :)

Positive thoughts

[OntheVerge]

You always provide great words of encouragement!
Thank you fishmanpa
I really hope that we are both right, looking for brighter and better answers everyday

[JB1985]

Hi OnTheVerge,

Very conservative HIV experts will tell you that oral and frottage has a small theoretical risk. More pragmatic experts will tell you no risk. Bear in mind that its a very difficult virus to transmit.

I was tested recently, and the nurse who did it told me that they do 50 tests every day, which equals to well over 12,000 tests every year. You can assume that most of those 12,000 people have good reasons to test. Out of all those people they only have 25 who test positive. 25 people out of 12,000 - and not just 12,000 random people. 12,000 who has been exposed to a risk. That's only 0,002%!

[OntheVerge]

@JB1985
Wow those statistics are actually insane.
I am so worried about testing positive even though my risks where theoretical I try to keep the pit out of my stomach and know that God keeps me in his hands no matter what the outcome.
Extremely nervous but seeing those numbers definitely calms down the fear a bit and has helped me at LEAST be okay with testing for my own health.
Thank you so much JB1985.

[JB1985]

If you ask the experts at poz.com they will tell you no risk and no reason to get tested. That being said I think testing would be a good option. Not because of the "risk" but for your peace of mind.

I had this fear for more than 6 years and I finally build up the courage to get tested. Got the result within 20 minutes. Painfull 20 minutes but so worth it :-)

[puzzledlass]

While I don't think you have HIV, I would get tested so you can relax about this.

I've had a couple of unprotected sexual encounters and also had this same fear, I kept trying to ignore it until one day I went to docs and she asked if I wanted it done. I said yeah, did the test and was fine.

[OntheVerge]

Hey guys it's been a while since I've been back here but I've been trying to stay off of the internet for my own piece of mind.
When I get on here my mind goes racing a million miles per an hour.
My 5 week rapid test a few weeks ago came back negative and the sexual health nurse re-assured me that me being a virgin shouldn't even worry bout HIV testing/ should concern with other STD's like chlamydia/hPV which is far easier to transmit through things like oral sex/ skin to skin contact.
This test put me at ease for somewhile, but I always have a gut feeling that for some reason I will test positive somewhere down the road (knock on wood)
Health anxiety, especially when it comes to something incurable is debilitating mentally.

I thought I was bigger than this and could brush it off but I can't. Not yet.
I finish my 2nd year of university in 2 weeks and will be home in 4. I set up an apt with my doctor for a full STD panel test on week 11 once examinations and everything are out of the way.
I really want to take this summer to grow with myself and understand why I feel the way I do. I know I have this insane phobia of catching HIV/ an incurable illness and it's made it near impossible for me to get near people intimately on a mature level because post encounter I assume that they have something because they never call me back/ cut off contact.
I've begun to realize my self worth is greater than that of a stranger who uses me for a few minutes of pleasure and have taken an oath to stay a virgin/ stay sexually inactive until I really find some who cares about me.

My anxiety eats me alive but I deserve better. I deserve to love myself and I hope anyone else who's reading this and is afraid can relate to me. Know you're worth and never settle. I made that mistake with too many guys thinking they could fill my void and now it's winded me a nut constantly testing for ailments which I don't have (for crying out loud I think I have HIV from the lowest risk encounters even though specialists have told me it's near impossible).

I know I can't "cure" myself overnight and that it's going to be a struggle but I'm going to get there.
Will return in a few weeks after I receive my final panel results and progress on my anxiety.
Thank you for everyone who's been kind and offered their words to me. May you all be blessed and fight for your happiness

XO OTV