Holding myself back

[Sallyg]

I wonder if anyone has any tips?

I have lived with anxiety in various forms, on and off all my life. Sometimes I didn't recognise it, it didn't get in the way enough, yet looking back I very rarely felt completely relaxed. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment as dome decisions and behaviours over the last few years have left me feeling less than confident and very avoidant of moving forward and making changes.

I feel stuck.

I have started to limit myself in social situations - I work alone and have always enjoyed time on my own but now I feel very isolated and can't seem to enjoy my own company. I feel frustrated as I have a need to interact, grow confidence etc but there are few opportunities to do that - this is a long term change I am working on deciding about. It includes ending a 7 year relationship where I feel very lonely, have tried to work on it, but basically my partner is quite happy with very little 'closeness'. We are polite and plod along, there are no goals, joint or otherwise. I know this isn't healthy, even without anxiety.

My current issue and one that I have come across many times is when to challenge myself and when to take things in smaller steps. I recognise where my insecurities come from, I do not feel safe to express emotions when I feel overwhelmed, I didn't have a family I could do this with, I coped by internalising it all and quite often I would lose touch with my feelings and just put a brave face on and continue.

Now, I don't seem to be able to use the brave face OR get in touch with feelings when I need to, but I fear the feelings bubbling up and creating overwhelming anxiety.

I have tickets to a music concert in London on Monday evening, I purchased them on a good day, where I felt strong, high self esteem etc and in the mode of independance. In reality I have not stepped out to do such a thing alone in a long time and I am now terrified of not being able to do it. Rationally speaking, I don't know why I thought I would want to - I need to travel alone and back home late at night and I can't think of anyone that would decide to do that in the first place.

I think I am so desperate to find my inner security, I just don't think. In the past I have not relied on people when I want to do something new, it usually worked out. I recognise that actually I DO want to be with others and have mutual give and take relationships, but I find that hard too.

Is this making sense!? I find myself fearful of being alone, too many memories of lonliness and brave face AND not having anyone I am close too and feel comfortable with to relax. I fear I will not go to this concert and I am angry and sad - sad that I have noone I am close too and also angry that I need to go alone if I want to OR I need to be brave and I just worry all my unresolved stuff will ruin it all.

BUT there is a part of me that thinks, if I just 'let go' of all of that, I might find I am fine, enjoy things and engage. The opposite of letting go, would be tense body, muddled mind and rising anxiety for the whole 7 hours I would be out and about.

I want to move forward, but I am wondering whether I am being unrealistic and also hard on myself with my expectations. I have had CBT and struggle not to aim for 'perfection' in myself, allow myself to wobble etc and I have no 'safe' person to come with me and actually I am not sure it would help.

IF I were to succeed in this trip, I am not sure what it would show me, but somehow this situation keeps cropping up, I plan, I think I can do things and then I don't cross that bridge.

Any tips ?

[Phuzella]

Maybe some people won't agree but I say go on the trip:). Just do it

[madge]

I agree with Phuzella. If you are able to go and maybe enjoy something then don't deprive yourself. Keep us posted as to what you decided. :-)

[Sallyg]

Gosh, that was quick :) Thank you. I really want to do this, it really would be cold turkey. I haven't travelled alone to unfamiliar place in a long time. I hate the tube, I hate trains. But, this is a once in blue moon opportunity to hear music I love and to meet a composer that I have worked with on an online musical project. I am also scared of the warm welcome (sounds crazy I know)

This is so very hard for me, ultimately I know the fear is about the unknown and also about the difficulty in opening up to enjoy myself - protecting myself is my default. Right, I will see how I go tomorrow and decide.

I have worked out the route, got money for a cab to and from the station to the venue if it feels 'safer' to do that. I am really very scared of an 'abandonment' feeling that comes from childhood - although my adult self knows only too well that I have overcome this before. I really should not have left it so long to challenge myself and be in new situations.

I will keep you posted :)

---------- Post added at 19:06 ---------- Previous post was at 19:04 ----------

As I was writing that, I felt the fear. It's a lot to do with strong emotions, ANY of them, the fear I won't handle them - it includes excitement and happiness.

I wonder if others can relate to this? Sometimes the holding back makes it all worse.

[Phuzella]

I insist that you go, sounds like a brilliant outing :). Seriously though I know exactly what you're going through and you just gotta get out there and live. Life is way too short:shades:

[Sallyg]

Thank you Phuzella

Just off for a mini outing, to a local concert, alone. The irony is, this all came about because I lost my dad when young and my mum suddenly a few years ago and I have no other family. Life IS too short, it's sometimes hard to be in the big wide world and feel so small - even though I am in my 40's!!! That shrinking feeling can easily switch to belonging.

So useful to write here, where people don't judge. Thank you

[Phuzella]

I'm 56, lost my mum 22 years ago, lost my dad and my husband of 35 years, both 3 years ago. That made me sit up and realise life really is too short, I try to take each day by the scruff of its neck and wring every last drop of life out of it.
When you're on trains etc, try people watching, it's very soothing, creating little back stories for them, give it a go:shades:

---------- Post added at 19:31 ---------- Previous post was at 19:24 ----------

Let your emotions be there, they make us human,:)

[Sallyg]

Thank you for the tip - I used to do that a lot when I travelled more. It makes you feel connected to the environment somehow.

My concert trip locally went fine, I did notice lots of negative thoughts about myself, but ignored them in the main, didn't once want to leave (sometimes I do) and was generally fairly kind to myself which meant I engaged more.

Letting emotions be there, IS really the answer for me and a lot of the reason I have ended up with anxiety. I have let my needs and feelings go on the back burner too many times when I felt people wouldn't listen or infact didn't listen. Self worth and fear. However, I DO know that doing things for myself IS the antidote, however hard that is, as it brings up the sense of isolation and wrong choices I have made.

I hope this is a passing phase after so much loss recently - I am also childless which is very hard for me to cope with and have been hiding from the world for a little too long while all this was going on inside me.

Right, lets hope my confident awareness doesn't desert me tomorrow, ready for monday.

[Phuzella]

Let us know how you get on :)

[Sallyg]

Will do

[madge]

You sound very brave Sally. I too have issues around loss, abandonment, separation etc so I think I understand a little of what you're going through. I'm hopefully seeing a counsellor this week so I can stop carrying around all my childhood stuff now that I'm nearly 49! Hope you continue to make great progress :-)

[Sallyg]

You sound very brave Sally. I too have issues around loss, abandonment, separation etc so I think I understand a little of what you're going through. I'm hopefully seeing a counsellor this week so I can stop carrying around all my childhood stuff now that I'm nearly 49! Hope you continue to make great progress :-)


I certainly have the goal of putting down childhood stuff or at least getting back to a place where I accept it and it doesn't take over. I have done it before, I am sure you will start to feel some sort of relief when you have someone to talk with about things.

I have found there is a fine line between shutting things out to move ahead and honouring feelings and who we are. When it all comes together anxiety seems to disappear, at the moment I am not at that place too often.

I definately avoided doing things for a while as I was trying to process so many events that shook me and now that time has passed, I am nervous to get 'back out there'. Now I write, it sounds a bit like the grief process.

Anyhow, I am not doing too well today, so am not sure my courage will sustain me for this goal to go to London, but I am trying to recognise that I reach mini goals every day regardless.

Thanks for your message

[I'mdave27]

When I get extremely anxious I stop to still myself so I can take deep conscious breaths and I talk to myself , just like a conversation. I then calm down because deep down i'm only dealing with feelings created by faulty thoughts which is completely natural for someone with anxiety it's how you react that matters the most , be it positive or negative. I often find when I find something that I enjoy doing my mind will start saying negative things to get me to stop doing it but it is getting less and less because I've learnt so much about myself it was hard but I done it , anything is possible. I personally feel that the way to combat anxiety is through learning to love yourself again , it won't work for everyone , you have to learn to go back to basics so you can quieten your mind and you can start questioning why you feel or think how do you , answers should come. Self love is very important because you are here for a reason even though that reason may be unknown you are still here for a very good reason

[Sallyg]

Thank you - yes, self love is the key. Once you stop and let the negative take over, it's hard to do it. I know this is a factor. Self worth and esteem is easily questioned by my brain :mad:

[Sallyg]

It's not going well - all I can think of is how much I miss having someone close, someone to trust and angry that I am still feeling so isolated, even with other people around. When I travel or do things on my own, I have always felt this sense heighten, I have often lived with it and just accepted it.

I really didn't wish I feel this way, more than that, I wish I had not taken up avoidance of social things or meeting people or doing my own thing as a way to avoid these feelings - but I did, because they were too much and I didn't know what to do about them.

I realise how shut down I have been, apart from when I feel safe. I feel very vunerable and wish there was someone to be with my whilst I do things AND feel this way. It feels so stupid, but it's so very hard to 'parent' 'friend' myself for so much of the time.

Rant over - maybe I will feel better about this trip in the morning

[I'mdave27]

You've just solved your own problem. If it's all you can think about learn to think of something else

[Sallyg]

You've just solved your own problem. If it's all you can think about learn to think of something else

Yes, and there lies one of the tricks in dealing with anxiety - so damn tiring to keep it up sometimes.

Step one is recognising the feelings and thoughts.
Step two is to challenge them, change them or accept them.

Thank you for the reminder

[I'mdave27]

I think now days we take ourselves too serious. It never use to be like this because back when things where basic e.g no Internet , no phones , no tv etc they lived life for basic means they don't say 'less is more' for nothing. We have too many distractions now days that have given us all an OCD with wanting every aspect of our lives to be perfect

[Sallyg]

I think now days we take ourselves too serious. It never use to be like this because back when things where basic e.g no Internet , no phones , no tv etc they lived life for basic means they don't say 'less is more' for nothing. We have too many distractions now days that have given us all an OCD with wanting every aspect of our lives to be perfect


Well, I don't disagree about a simple life being better, in my case I am not looking for perfection, I am looking to heal some unhelpful thoughts about myself that have nothing much to do with material things or ideals, except the ideal of acceptance of myself and others.

[MyNameIsTerry]

I agree with you Dave. I've found myself admiring these people that go back to basics and back away from the rat race.

There is even a form of anxiety for that nowadays, status anxiety. I don't know if it's a diagnosis but I remember seeing a book about it and it's really common sense to see it's how we haven't adapted to the fast paced world. I've read that loads of times about the causes of anxiety in the human race because we haven't had time to evolve away from the simple life.

Afterall, a lot of the pressure is what we put on ourselves, anxious or not.

Sally, you've been brave so far, just keep going. It's going to be scary, but you know that, try to get beyond it and see where it takes you. At worst, it comes off bad but it was always that way in your mind, but it could also be something good. It's sounds great meeting the composer you mentioned.

I remember you saying about just going for it and buying a ticket. I have those times as well and then the anxiety beast comes after the next day. If you follow it through, you've climbed another hurdle and can keep moving forward. If you don't though, try to accept it as a lesson learnt but not as a definite barrier you can't get beyond because someone inside you, you really wanted to do it and that just needs harnessing more often.

Have you tried Mindfulness meditation? It seems you feel the need for acceptance of yourself and others and perhaps be content and kind to yourself which this is really for.

[Sallyg]

Hi Terry
Thank you for your encouragement. I meditate as regularly as I can, yes mindfullness, I live a really really simple life, infact part of the reason I feel this trip to London is feeling so challenging is because I have been living such a simple life! ha

There is the challenge of remaining mindful in ALL situations and I guess it takes practise and yes, I DO need to accept myself and others as well as my cirumstances. That last bit is the thing I am struggling with I think. Very hard for me to catch up with where my life is right now, counselling is helping me come to terms with that. It's sort of what kicked off my latest anxiety issues. Control, no control, choice, no choice, the unknown - it's all in there somewhere.

[Sallyg]

Update - I didn't go to London this evening and that's ok with me. I went to a concert alone locally last Friday and out again to meet new people this wednesday. It was a step too far this time. I spoke with a friend about how I am feeling at the moment, which was a monumental thing. So all in all, I feel ok and thanks for the support while I worked this through.

I was reading twitter to see how the concert went and noticed that in trains were cancelled for a couple of hours from the station I was due to travel on, due to someone being hit by a train. Very grateful I am not currently stuck in London - that might have really set me off and set me back at this stage.

[MyNameIsTerry]

You still made some steps there Sally and you recognised them. So, you've challenged those thoughts, accepted them and moved on. You've told yourself that it's ok and you already pushing the boundaries forwards just before.

Just keep expanding the bubble. You are clearly getting there.

I think London or any major city would probably be a bit scary for most people with anxiety. London especially is a difficult place to escape from when you need 5 mins without people around you.

Acceptance is very hard I think. It almost goes against how we tend to grow up.