A Hard Post For Me...

[Brackett]

So - I've posted quite a bit about health concerns (anxiety), but now coming to the realization that I may be at the end of the line...

General background - I began seeing a therapist AND psychiatrist who both agreed that I have long suffered from an anxiety disorder. A combination of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Somatization Disorder. I rejected this diagnosis for a long time as I never FELT particularly anxious, but realize that perhaps it became so much a part of my normal that I couldn't recognize it even if I tried. Also, I was having terrible stomach issues which they kept saying was anxiety, and eventually turned out to be Celiacs Disease - so I thought they were out to lunch. It was proof that I was right and there was a physical issue and not an emotional one. They recommended medication in addition to my weekly therapy. I declined the meds but maintained the weekly therapy for several months, but my therapist kept telling me that anxiety was a choice and I needed to learn to CHOOSE not to feel the way I did. I could not (and still can't) reconsile that concept. If I could choose to not feel this way, I would. Maybe what she was saying makes sense, but not to me.

I decided the bail on therapy. I decided that I would exercise regularly, that I would begin acupuncture, that I would go for massages (I have very tense neck and shoulder muscles that are now also causing headaches). I decided to eat better and generally take better care of myself and relax.

It was awesome for a few weeks. Felt good. Felt GREAT. Thought I had it all figured out. And then things started again. The neck and back pain came back, doctors and my RMT and Acupuncturist told me how tense my muscles were, headaches got back and constant, my general mood declined as a result and I got back to the point where I just felt desperate and defeated all the time.

That's basically where I am now. My health anxiety is in full force because of the physical symptoms I am having, I feel mentally drained and defeated, and am back to considering my options.

I had really hoped that I would be able to avoid meds. I have been very open with my sister and partner about everything. My sister thinks that while all the things I am going are very positive and that I should continue, she thinks it's time that I finally bite the bullet and start meds. My partner thinks that I should continue with the alternatives but is very supportive of whatever choice I make.

I have a prescription for Lexapro. 5mg a day. With the option to increase to 10mg after two weeks.

I keep thinking about it. I want to feel better. I have friends and colleagues who have taken the same med and hail it as a life saver. I am in a creative profession and fear it will drain me creatively, but my colleagues suggest it is quite the opposite - that it allows for clarity and energy and functionaility that was/is missing. I don't really drink that often, but the idea that I cannot go out and enjoy a couple glasses of wine with friends on the few occasions I would go doesn't sit well (I know this makes little sense. One night of fun once in a blue moon in exchange for my life back...). I enjoy marijuana and understand that too would be off the table. I also worry about side effects. I worry about a dependency and ever increasing dosage. I worry it will replace the great things I feel I am doing now and I will quit those things.

I'm just scared. The pills sit in my medicine cabinet and I just don't know how to start. I want to not be in pain. I want to not FEEL like crap. I want to be happy. I want to know what "normal" feels like. But I'm just so used to that that any change seems terrifying to me.

I guess this post is me looking for people who felt the same way, people who have advice one way or the other, people who came out the other end...I dunno...anything would be appreciated.

[KLP]

Why not replace choice for acceptance when you accepted not to take meds and do alternative methods you unknowingly proved to yourself you accepted the anxiety and wanted to better yourself. Your just having a blip or hiccup. Keep you mind and body active, don't procrastinate over the symptoms and you'll soon be back on your feet, having another great day.

---------- Post added at 02:38 ---------- Previous post was at 02:37 ----------

I didn't take my pills either you can do by yourself.

[swgrl09]

I felt the same way as you. The part where you said you just want to know what it's like to feel normal again resonated with me.

I started this med first at 10 mg then upped to 20 mg after 3 months. I was on it about 1.5 years total, maybe a little less. I recently came off it all the way. I did not want to take meds at first but decided something had to give. I was going to therapy, also had a lot of pain like you and got accupuncture and massages, but eventually I was so depressed I didn't even want to go to my therapist anymore. Luckily I told her that and she suggested I get on an antidepressant.

Honestly, yes there were early side-effects but they went away in 2 weeks for me and I was still able to work during that period. For the entire duration of taking them, I had more constipation than usual but managed it with my diet. I also had a lowered sex drive and seemed to sweat a bit more than I used to. But honestly, it really wasn't noticeable to anybody but me and didn't interfere much with my life.

About 3 weeks in I had that amazing feeling where I remembered what it was like to feel NORMAL again!!! I can't even describe it but it was like I finally woke up from a really bad dream and felt like myself.

I still had pain, but I had the motivation to take care of myself better and was able to accept it as just part of my life. It was easier to live with.

Anyway after a year and a half my husband and I started talking about in the future maybe having a baby. I decided to try to get off now and see how I did so I would know for sure if I could be ok without meds far in advance of getting pregnant. I got off them relatively easily and feel good.

I did have hiccups! But it was much easier to accept them and move on to get to the other side.

So give them a shot if you want. My husband kept reminding me that if it is too hard or they don't work well for me, just get off them. It's your choice and you are in control.

Good luck, hope that helps a little.

---------- Post added at 09:45 ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 ----------

Forgot to add that my doctor told me it was no big deal if I had a couple drinks on this med once in a while. I did and never had an issue. It is worse to have them if you are on a benzo or something.