flatterycat
23-03-14, 16:08
Hello
It's been a little while since I posted last on here because for the most part I have been doing ok. But since last week I have taken a big step backwards. I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance and I know that no one on here can diagnose me or tell me what is wrong. I just need to write it all down I suppose.
Last Wed I had a strange turn and ever since I have gone down the google route and as a result convinced myself that I have a brain tumour that is causing me to have partial seizures! (Never did do things by halves).
I have read story after story, medical information, real life experiences etc etc an in everyone one I have found 'evidence' that what I experienced was a simple partial seizure. At first I was terrified that I had epilepsy, but that wasn't enough - oh no! Now I'm scared that I have epilepsy because of a brain tumour. I tell myself to stop googling but it's like a drug, a constant search for reassurance that I know I am not going to find. In fact I think everything I have found is pretty black n white in that I am experiencing a seizure.
What happened to me? I got into my car after my staff meeting and this feeling came over me that I find very hard to explain. It was very similar to deja vu in the sense that it felt strange and I was scared. I kept getting a feeling of familiarity in my head, almost like I was trying to remember something but it was out of my grasp, it wasn't like trying to remember a name or person, it was like a feeling/glimpse that felt familiar but I couldn't grasp it. Along with it I felt hot and panicky. Then after about 10mins of feeling like this I had the migraine aura I often get. (I don't get the headache, just the visual zigzagging blindness that moves until it is gone 20 mins later). I have had these aura migraines now for many years, but never preceded by the strange sensations I had prior to this one. So, I googled and everything points to a form of epilepsy called 'simple partial seizures'.
In my rational moments I try to tell myself that over many years I have experienced this weird 'memory' sensation before. I remember getting it at college in 1992 and on a few occasions since. In 2011 I had to have a brain MRI to check for a cause for tinnitus. On that scan they discovered an incidental finding at the base of my skull and I had to have a repeat MRI, but this time of my neck to confirm that it was what they thought - a haemangioma and nothing to worry about. I try to say that if I had a tumour they would have seen it then (seeing as I had symptoms prior to it) and the fact is they did find something, so it shows they were looking carefully. Then my mind worries that perhaps they didn't scan my whole brain just the bit that might have related to the tinnitus!
So there we go. I am a mess again. Can't stop crying and thinking and googling.
What I have written probably makes no sense and I'm sure that my 'strange' turn will be something no one understands but I had to write it all down.
If you stayed with this - thank you:)
It's been a little while since I posted last on here because for the most part I have been doing ok. But since last week I have taken a big step backwards. I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance and I know that no one on here can diagnose me or tell me what is wrong. I just need to write it all down I suppose.
Last Wed I had a strange turn and ever since I have gone down the google route and as a result convinced myself that I have a brain tumour that is causing me to have partial seizures! (Never did do things by halves).
I have read story after story, medical information, real life experiences etc etc an in everyone one I have found 'evidence' that what I experienced was a simple partial seizure. At first I was terrified that I had epilepsy, but that wasn't enough - oh no! Now I'm scared that I have epilepsy because of a brain tumour. I tell myself to stop googling but it's like a drug, a constant search for reassurance that I know I am not going to find. In fact I think everything I have found is pretty black n white in that I am experiencing a seizure.
What happened to me? I got into my car after my staff meeting and this feeling came over me that I find very hard to explain. It was very similar to deja vu in the sense that it felt strange and I was scared. I kept getting a feeling of familiarity in my head, almost like I was trying to remember something but it was out of my grasp, it wasn't like trying to remember a name or person, it was like a feeling/glimpse that felt familiar but I couldn't grasp it. Along with it I felt hot and panicky. Then after about 10mins of feeling like this I had the migraine aura I often get. (I don't get the headache, just the visual zigzagging blindness that moves until it is gone 20 mins later). I have had these aura migraines now for many years, but never preceded by the strange sensations I had prior to this one. So, I googled and everything points to a form of epilepsy called 'simple partial seizures'.
In my rational moments I try to tell myself that over many years I have experienced this weird 'memory' sensation before. I remember getting it at college in 1992 and on a few occasions since. In 2011 I had to have a brain MRI to check for a cause for tinnitus. On that scan they discovered an incidental finding at the base of my skull and I had to have a repeat MRI, but this time of my neck to confirm that it was what they thought - a haemangioma and nothing to worry about. I try to say that if I had a tumour they would have seen it then (seeing as I had symptoms prior to it) and the fact is they did find something, so it shows they were looking carefully. Then my mind worries that perhaps they didn't scan my whole brain just the bit that might have related to the tinnitus!
So there we go. I am a mess again. Can't stop crying and thinking and googling.
What I have written probably makes no sense and I'm sure that my 'strange' turn will be something no one understands but I had to write it all down.
If you stayed with this - thank you:)