bea360
23-03-14, 16:10
Hi All, I am new to this forum and very much hoping you may be able to help me.
I apologize for my articulation, I am not feeling myself at the moment.
I am a usually very up together woman. I have recently separated from my partner of 8 years which I instigated. I thought we were not right anymore and maybe I was correct but I now find myself completely lost. I have lost my sense of person and who I am.
I am 29 years old, at the age of 21 I went though a very stressful time, family issues, coming to terms with my sexuality and convincing myself I had caught a disease. I went into a deep depression where I could not talk or form thoughts. I have always been an anxious person, I am not sure why. I went into self destruct mode. I did not care what happened to me. I was prescribed citralopram and sent on my way. I started taking them, at the same time getting myself involved in a bad cirle, drinking, coming home late, not turning up for work. Making my already stressful home life even worse for everyone. There is more to the story but I am really stuggling to put words together and I am not sure I am making sense. I was sectioned, because my mum was worried for me. This experience has scarred me and up until afew years ago I had buried it deep. It is only now it is coming back to me, i am left here lost since my breakup and the symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, have come back with avengance. I used to be articulate now I do not have the answers to anything. I can't get my thoughts together, i have no opinion on anything, i cant remember things that happened even yesterday. I lie in bed thinking and worrying about everything, i worry what people think of me constantly, i feel i come across the wrong way to people but this is due to the fact i have nothing to say. It's like my head is empty. I am constantly on the internet searching my symptoms. I am convinced I have schizophrenia. I do not have hallucinations or delusions but I have paranoia, i am constantly on edge. I know I am appearing strange at work because I feel so anxious. I feel people at work do not like me, the girl I work next to chats all day and I can barely string a sentance together. I can't concentrate on my work, i feel so stressed I don't know how I can get myself out of this hell. I am not fully explaining myself because of my lack of vocabulary and feeling unable to explain things clearly. I feel I am saying things to people and accidentally offending them. I make comments and after I worry they seem sarcastic or rude. I have such deep routed hatred for myself that all I do is radiate negativity. When I speak to people they say I am too hard on myself but I don't agree. I want to be the old me, the happy cheerful, thoughtful girl I once was. I don't know any way out of this at the moment. I have been to the doctors who have prescribed me an anti depressant, people around me say I need to speak to a councellor but how can I when i can't explain myself properly. I come across emotionless, people tell me their problems and I want to reassure them but I am sure I make them feel worse. I am just convinced I have schizophrenia. I have lost all my self, my personality. I have no humor, i could sit and stare out the window, i forget what I am doing constantly. I felt like this afew years ago and went to see a phyciatrist, he told me point blank i was not schizophrenic, because i didn't have voices telling me to kill people or halluciating but I have read you do not have to have those symtoms nessisaily. He said I was suffering from social phobia and major depression. He precribed me Olanzipine. When I got home and read up on this medication I freaked out. Not just becaUse of the fact it is prescribed for schizophrenia but all the side affects terrified me. I refused to take it. With the help my partner and family i some how got out of the depression. I have no recolection how I did it. Me and my partner and now over and I am alone. I have afew friends but i have pushed most away due to my anxious state, I do not know why anyone would want to be around me. I know I am going to end up with no one but when I am around people i can't bare it. I can't keep up with anything they say, i give one word answers and I can tell they just can't wait to get away from me. I am also negative, a trait i know I have always had but only recently have i began to notice it very badly. When I see people chatting away to each other i wonder where they learnt to do it. I used to be able to chat, i am not confortable with many people and myself and my ex partner used to spend every waking minute together, she understood me so i never had reason to think much was wrong. Now she is gone I feel lost, i don't know where the thoughtful, up beat, confident person i used to be has gone. What makes this worse is I ended the relationship, now I must reap what i have sowed. I am at the end of my tether with the way my brain is feeling. I know I must sound like I am completely mad. I am a reasonably attractive girl with a good job and I don't know what I am going to do. I am so scared. Please can someone give me some advise.
I apologize for my articulation, I am not feeling myself at the moment.
I am a usually very up together woman. I have recently separated from my partner of 8 years which I instigated. I thought we were not right anymore and maybe I was correct but I now find myself completely lost. I have lost my sense of person and who I am.
I am 29 years old, at the age of 21 I went though a very stressful time, family issues, coming to terms with my sexuality and convincing myself I had caught a disease. I went into a deep depression where I could not talk or form thoughts. I have always been an anxious person, I am not sure why. I went into self destruct mode. I did not care what happened to me. I was prescribed citralopram and sent on my way. I started taking them, at the same time getting myself involved in a bad cirle, drinking, coming home late, not turning up for work. Making my already stressful home life even worse for everyone. There is more to the story but I am really stuggling to put words together and I am not sure I am making sense. I was sectioned, because my mum was worried for me. This experience has scarred me and up until afew years ago I had buried it deep. It is only now it is coming back to me, i am left here lost since my breakup and the symptoms of depression, anxiety, panic, have come back with avengance. I used to be articulate now I do not have the answers to anything. I can't get my thoughts together, i have no opinion on anything, i cant remember things that happened even yesterday. I lie in bed thinking and worrying about everything, i worry what people think of me constantly, i feel i come across the wrong way to people but this is due to the fact i have nothing to say. It's like my head is empty. I am constantly on the internet searching my symptoms. I am convinced I have schizophrenia. I do not have hallucinations or delusions but I have paranoia, i am constantly on edge. I know I am appearing strange at work because I feel so anxious. I feel people at work do not like me, the girl I work next to chats all day and I can barely string a sentance together. I can't concentrate on my work, i feel so stressed I don't know how I can get myself out of this hell. I am not fully explaining myself because of my lack of vocabulary and feeling unable to explain things clearly. I feel I am saying things to people and accidentally offending them. I make comments and after I worry they seem sarcastic or rude. I have such deep routed hatred for myself that all I do is radiate negativity. When I speak to people they say I am too hard on myself but I don't agree. I want to be the old me, the happy cheerful, thoughtful girl I once was. I don't know any way out of this at the moment. I have been to the doctors who have prescribed me an anti depressant, people around me say I need to speak to a councellor but how can I when i can't explain myself properly. I come across emotionless, people tell me their problems and I want to reassure them but I am sure I make them feel worse. I am just convinced I have schizophrenia. I have lost all my self, my personality. I have no humor, i could sit and stare out the window, i forget what I am doing constantly. I felt like this afew years ago and went to see a phyciatrist, he told me point blank i was not schizophrenic, because i didn't have voices telling me to kill people or halluciating but I have read you do not have to have those symtoms nessisaily. He said I was suffering from social phobia and major depression. He precribed me Olanzipine. When I got home and read up on this medication I freaked out. Not just becaUse of the fact it is prescribed for schizophrenia but all the side affects terrified me. I refused to take it. With the help my partner and family i some how got out of the depression. I have no recolection how I did it. Me and my partner and now over and I am alone. I have afew friends but i have pushed most away due to my anxious state, I do not know why anyone would want to be around me. I know I am going to end up with no one but when I am around people i can't bare it. I can't keep up with anything they say, i give one word answers and I can tell they just can't wait to get away from me. I am also negative, a trait i know I have always had but only recently have i began to notice it very badly. When I see people chatting away to each other i wonder where they learnt to do it. I used to be able to chat, i am not confortable with many people and myself and my ex partner used to spend every waking minute together, she understood me so i never had reason to think much was wrong. Now she is gone I feel lost, i don't know where the thoughtful, up beat, confident person i used to be has gone. What makes this worse is I ended the relationship, now I must reap what i have sowed. I am at the end of my tether with the way my brain is feeling. I know I must sound like I am completely mad. I am a reasonably attractive girl with a good job and I don't know what I am going to do. I am so scared. Please can someone give me some advise.