Swinging?

[claireypoo]

Okay, so last week I was so over HA - I actually felt happy and relaxed, walked a total of 28 miles in 7 days, and although I hadn't lost the symptoms of my stomach problems, I could put it into perspective. This week I'm like back at square one. I can't see the wood for the trees. I keep swinging from 'I can do this' to 'what if it' s bad' I am googling again. Checking poo. Doing all the rituals I thought I was over with. I have two scans this week. One pelvic ultrasound tomorrow and an Endoscopy on Friday. I am frankly terrified about these, but last week and the week before I was fine. It's all this up and down stuff that's putting extra stress on my relationship (which if I don't stop obsessing like this will be in trouble) and all the extra worry has made my stomach symptoms worse. I can't stick to a decision regarding the Endoscopy (to sedate or not or throat spray or not? Etc) and my mind is like a broken record. I can't make decisions. :( I'm being snappy and distant with my partner, my OCD is off the chart. I burst into tears because my partner put my trainers on the table. Does anyone else swing from extreme to extreme with HA like this? I felt so good the week before last, like I GOT IT. I GOT THAT MY THINKING HAD BEEN WRONG. I COULD SEE CLEARLY. ARGHHHHHHHH. (Feel like screaming!)

Hope you are all okay today.
CLAIRE X

[cpe1978]

Hi Claire

Well sounds like you have been doing well recently - so firstly - well done.

Secondly absolutely, I remember so well one moment thinking 'anxiety, what anxiety' only to quickly come back down to earth with a bump when it hit hard. Sometimes it was hours, sometimes days. I have often posted on here that I think it is important that you measure progress over time rather than looking at recovery in absolute terms of either you are well or not.

The thing I found was twofold and almost happened without me noticing. Gradually I noticed the time period between 'anxious episodes' becoming longer and longer and in actual fact the severity of the anxiety decreasing. So in essence my mood becoming more stable and consistent.

I have no idea whether this would have happened with time anyway, but I doubt it. I developed a plan, put it in place and largely stuck to it. I have spoken with others on here who also had a plan and it is an incredibly individual thing. Tanner is probably the best example. She relied quite heavily on CBT techniques and other relaxation strategies and has made a phenomenal transformation. I have also heard Honeylove speak in these terms and also Skippy.

Obviously this week is going to be stressful but next week is a new week and when you have your very likely incredibly normal test results then hopefully it should free you up a little more to take your anxiety head on again :)

[claireypoo]

Thank you the reply. :) Comforting to know someone went through the same. Annoying isn't it? :/ I hope the scan results are normal, of course, but I doubt it will be for the Endoscopy, my doctor has already diagnosed gastritis but now wants to check for an ulcer. The test itself bothers me, it doesn't sound nice, but what is all consuming is that I can't stick to a point of view. I can't make a decision about how to have the procedure, I can't even decide NOT to decide yet!

I remember going through all of this back and forth in 2007/8. I think, like you, it just reduced over time with REBT. I am doing a refresher course of CBT which has been helping, and I know I can get through this, I am just flummoxed at my thinking! It was so CLEAR last week, CPE, clearer than it has been since I first got anxiety, 8 years ago. I was actually OPTIMISTIC. Me! It felt SO good, that this week seems even worse now, big contrast, if you know what I mean. :(

[Catherine S]

Bit of an unfortunate thread title there claireypoo :whiplash: isn't that where everyone puts their car keys in a dish...not that I know from experience of course :noangel:

[claireypoo]

Oh my! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what, I didn't even realise! Wa-hey! Sounds a lot more fun than having cameras inserted....

(sorry :p)

[Catherine S]

:D

[Worriedwellornot]

Claire, don't forget I was in the same place 2 weeks ago as you with my HA. I was convinced that my endoscopy would show up something terrible but it was normal. Since last Monday I have not 'checked' any of my bodily fluids/functions and feeling much better. You will be the same I'm sure. I've even bitten the bullet and booked a trip to USA over Easter. That's HUGE for me. I'm a testament to the huge array of symptoms caused by anxiety and HA that have no foundation whatsoever. Good luck and hugs with your tests x x

[claireypoo]

Thanks so much xxxx How did you find the sedative? I've never had conscious sedation before. :/ x

[jab1982]

Happens to me a lot. I worry, go to the doctor, get my reassurance and then will not worry for months. Lately I was worried, had my annual physical and I am still worrying even though I was told not to worry by a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. How silly is it that I am still fixated on one tiny thing? Literally.....a pea sized, tiny lymphnode.

We all backtrack. But it is how you choose to cope when it happens. Each time you backtrack try a new strategy to get your mind away from those doom-and-gloom thoughts. Rationality will make its way back soon enough. Remember that there are tangible people and things in your life that are truly deserving of your attention. I like to play my favorite song and belt it out like I am Pavarotti. But that's just me....

Enjoy your day!

[claireypoo]

Great idea! Singing always feels quite cathartic. :) Beats screaming into a pillow any road up! :)

[Tanner40]

Hey there Claire. I remember well the days of one step forward and two steps back. There were days when I was so emotional that any little thing could absolutely set me off. There were times that I even wanted to argue with my dog.

Congratulations on all of those great days and weeks that you had before this small blip. What were the things that you were doing at the time that made you feel so much better. I know, for me, that I have a terrible tendency to stop doing all of the things that made me feel better the moment that I feel good. It doesn't take long before I begin to backslide. Thus another step backwards. Maybe think about the things that you may have slacked off on a bit.

Best wishes for positive test results.

[claireypoo]

Hey Tanner, thanks for the reply. I laughed at 'argue with my dog' (I know what you mean!)

I was very lucky in that I was spending time with my mum and my partner while my daughter was receiving respite care at a local hospice. Typing that made me realise that it was probably easier to deal with then... because I SLEPT! Funny how I forgot about that!

Things I enjoy used to be nice meals with good wine and strong coffee, but I've had to adjust since the digestive probs, so now it's walking, painting, reading, being near water, nature, and even gardening! :) Anything that reduces acid, basically! X

[Tanner40]

Why not start a new painting? I used to paint with oils but I was just so lousy that I gave it up. How about joining a book club? I find that engaging with others over something that I love to do is extremely helpful to me. Just a thought.

[claireypoo]

I'm starting night classes at college in September studying Art. :) I'm really looking forward to it. I did think about a book club, because I love reading, but I know I'd have difficulty speaking to strangers with any conviction at the moment (something else I'm working on with CBT) :)

[Tanner40]

Congratulations on starting night classes. That's a hugely positive step. You should really be proud of yourself and your upcoming accomplishments.

[claireypoo]

Awwww, thanks! :) But I'll clap myself on the back when I've made it through the first class (I know me and my wriggly ways) :p x

[Serenity1990]

I'd been doing so well for weeks until today as well. I hope you feel better soon!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Oh my! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what, I didn't even realise! Wa-hey! Sounds a lot more fun than having cameras inserted....

(sorry :p)

Claire, you're digging an even bigger hole bringing cameras into swinging...:roflmao:...oh well, as long as everybody in the thread is mutually consenting and the boundaries are understood!!!:roflmao:

Well done on what you are doing. Thats loads, it really is compared to what it could be isn't it?

The weather is getting better so get outside painting, maybe even go to the park. You could always take photo's and bring them pack and paint in the evenings.

Honestly, I've been down the back & forth route so many times. I think it's a matter of finding a plan that works for you as CPE & Tanner have been explaining on here a lot. It might just be that you are still finding your plan.

Some good is better than no good, so keep going and try to be kind to yourself. Remember the positive things you are doing. I have OCD so I know how tempting it can be to slip into negative routines and then find yourself backsliding. It's sadly the way OCD likes to find another way to get at you, so it may just be a matter of keeping things varied so you don't see things as a routine and not pleasureable.

I've not found my plan yet and I'm sliding backwards a bit at the moment but you have to accept it's just another stop off on the journey out and take some action against it.

It sounds like you have some additional presssures anyway and they may be building in your subconscious and pulling you down. I don't know what others think but it could be that you haven't made that decision and it's feeding the fear a bit so you may need to make a decision and stick to it so it's just about the day and not about things leading up to it. Thats just my opinion because I know I do this a lot with things I should just sort out and I think it's the OCD in us and the obsession side kicks into analysis mode until you face the event itself.

Try not to lose faith in yourself.