Hello, OCD, Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety Sufferer Here

[jb569]

Hello, everyone,

My name is Jack, I'm 18 years old and I'm currently at university. I don't really know how to begin this but recently I've been suffering from really bad panic attacks and slight derealization/depersonalization and I decided to join this forum because I feel I need to speak to others who can understand my plight.

For as long as I can remember, I've always been shy and anxious. But when I was 13, I suffered my first bout of Obsessional OCD. Prior to this, I displayed signs of compulsive behaviour such as sticking coins on the walk when I was a toddler and meticulously arranging things such as pencils and books alphabetically. But this bout of Obsessional OCD (Harm OCD) came out of the blue and I genuinely thought I was a danger to myself and others. As a result, I also developed POCD. It was a difficult period but when I went to my next secondary school, I felt more at ease but the intrusive thoughts were still present.

Intrusive thoughts have always been a problem but until now I've been able to handle them. I suffered from a bout of anxiety, false-memory OCD and depression during my second year of A-Levels but I eventually got through it and progressed on to university. I did see my GP and I was referred to a specialist mental health centre but since university was approaching I decided to stop going before I could get medication or CBT. Up until now, I've had a fantastic time at university. I've basically been living the life of your average student: going to parties/nightclubs, hanging out with friends and doing work. It wasn't until last Thursday that I've been feeling the way that I feel now. I was incredibly hungover, and all of a sudden these thoughts started coming into my head like 'what is reality?', 'what if I'm going crazy?', 'what if I lose my mind?' And that's when the panic attacks started. Desperate, I went to see my doctor in an emergency who said it was the result of a bad hangover. But since then, I've been feeling like the world around just doesn't feel 'real' and that I will lose my mind. There are times that I feel like I'm losing control and I'm scared I'm going to end up in a mental health hospital. This feeling just resonates within me and it scares me to death. I fear that I'm going crazy and I also have the thought 'what if I hallucinate?', 'what if I hear voices?' And then my brain goes into overthinking mode and I become utterly convinced that I'm going crazy. The intrusive thoughts have also resurged slightly. Now, when I see blood in a horror film or even an episode of Family Guy I slip into another panic attack. It's a very unpleasant experience at the moment. Luckily it's not becoming too much of an obstacle in my studies at the moment but if I don't seek the required help I'm frightened it will.

So this is my situation, and I would be interested in hearing about other people's experiences with anxiety and OCD. Thank you :)

[Lucym681]

Hello.
It sounds to me like you've done well, and should be proud of yourself. You seem like a really strong person. I fall apart and cry all the time. I think more people than we realise have a degree of OCD. When I'm at work I can't work at a desk unless it's all organised in a certain way, and lined up perfectly. When I lock the door I have to push the handle down 5 or more times just to make sure it's definitely locked. And I know what it's like to get thoughts that you don't want. I just want to hit my head! And the more you think about trying to forget the thoughts are there, the more real they become.

[jb569]

Hi, Lucy. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It's a very unpleasant experience indeed. In addition to this, I'm having an extremely bad night and I was just wondering whether OCD intrusive thoughts can manifest themselves in voices? Not 'voices' but just stupid thoughts. I know that I'm just thinking and bringing these thoughts on myself but it further adds to the anxiety that I'm becoming schizophrenic or psychotic. Tonight it just feels like I'm further becoming a danger and it's just horrible. I just want to get better.

---------- Post added at 04:21 ---------- Previous post was at 03:41 ----------

To be more specific, like I have an intrusive thought that says 'you should kill yourself' in another person's voice and I just respond to it unintentionally like 'I'm not doing that' even though it's just me perpetuating it. But I know for a FACT that it's just me constantly overthinking and the anxiety just working it's unwanted power. I just have this fear that one day I will snap and give in to this thought. It's just frightening, as if I'm losing control of myself. But I know that it is just my overthinking. If I was schizophrenic or psychotic, I would firmly believe that voices are real. How can one differentiate between intrusive thoughts and 'voices'?

[Lucym681]

I have thoughts like that too. I think it's probably a normal part of depression. I could be walking down a road and images would come into my head of me throwing myself into the road. I get this even when I think I'm feeling ok. As long as we know it's just in our head it's easier to ignore. Why don't u see your doc? Start some treatment and nip this in the bud! I'm on sertraline, and on waiting list for CBT.