View Full Version : huge ptsd
creative1942
25-03-14, 08:08
Hi I have colossal ptsd. Terrible flashbacks about an event in January that has resulted in my daughter divorcing me yesterday. That's a strong word but shes told me over and over again I've ruined her life and the baby has been so ill. I took the babyinto waitrose and asked for hot water for her bottle which was handed to me in a faulty flask. I put the flask, which was also in a jug, onto the buggy to push it to the table but it leaked onto the little baby's leg. I was told I'd never see the baby again. I've begged and begged for two months asking how the baby is but never a word. She told me every time I asked how much it was all myfault and "you did this. My own mother". She texted howmuch she hated me and to stay right away. She said she cried and cried because she wanted to take her place but couldn't. And now, after a skin graft, the baby has to wear pressure garments 23 hours every day on both legs for 2 years. I knew nothing of this. I wasn't allowed any news. That poor baby. I adored her. I've been called evil, insane and hated. I can never see the baby again. She told me in a text last night " I'm sorry but I've lost the last bit of us". That broke me. I only came here from right across the country to care for the new baby when my daughter resumed work. I've got no family, no friends. I'm a retired lady, so utterly distraught and all I do is keep hearing the baby's screams when the water leaked onto her, the huge red leg when I pulled her from the buggy, the ongoingscreams, paramedics, the burns unit, being told to leave the baby and go back home miles and miles away in the pouring rain with no transport. From that moment in the café my life as I knew it changed for ever. So has the baby's, so has her mothers. Sorry this is so long but I don't know how to get rid of the memories or the terrible terrible heartache.
Sending you as much love as I can Sarah :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: So sorry this had to happen to you.
This was not your fault, it was a terrible tragic accident. Your daughter needs someone to blame and at she moment is blaming you. I hope that she will see that you were not to blame but at the moment she is just really hurting for her child.
Have you been to the doctors? If not then I suggest you do as this has been a very traumatic experience for you and I think you need counselling to help you through it. Sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
creative1942
25-03-14, 10:53
Sending you as much love as I can Sarah :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: So sorry this had to happen to you.
Thanks so much -- that helped you know :hugs:I didn't know heartache like this existed. Someone in the mental health support field thinks it best I get right away from here and go back to the east coast to where I know people. And buy a dog maybe (for company/love). So many people keep telling me it was a freak accident and I shouldn't keep on relentlessly blaming myself. I can see where they're coming from but I never knew the baby had to go through all that pain. I hadn't a clue. I was totally ostracised and kept in the dark. I DO blame myself. One minute my little granddaughter and her nanna were in a cosy sort of heaven at a playgroup, with kiwi nibbles, clappy songs, new faces and new toys and the next all hell broke loose.
Very sad story, Creative. Know that it was purely an accident. Time sometimes does heal all wounds. Send your daughter and grand daughter cards. Give time a chance to heal this while continue to show them that you care. Hopefully your daughter will eventually come to the realization that this was just a terrible accident. Thinking of you.
Remember the baby will be too young to remember - by the time she's old enough to know any better this will have all gone. Don't blame yourself - Annie's right, she just needs someone to blame. Keep seeing people, keep talking to people. It all helps.
I've noticed your daughter only seems to text you and won't speak face to face. Maybe one day you will feel the urge to call her up and then she can hear how vulnrable and upset you are and change her mind.
creative1942
25-03-14, 13:41
Remember the baby will be too young to remember - by the time she's old enough to know any better this will have all gone. Don't blame yourself - Annie's right, she just needs someone to blame. Keep seeing people, keep talking to people. It all helps.
I've noticed your daughter only seems to text you and won't speak face to face. Maybe one day you will feel the urge to call her up and then she can hear how vulnrable and upset you are and change her mind.
Its been an on-going thing this texting each other over all the years. I know it's not the best option but that's the way we both are. The baby is my daughter's universe, whole world. She went to pieces when she lost her first one early on. Almost had a complete breakdown. Then she got pregnant again and has adored that baby from the moment it was just microscopic. Her life is only for the baby's happiness. That's her priority. I know it was normal to hate me initially, but the tears she's cried for her baby have scared her feelings for me so so deeply. We didn't have a brilliant relationship before, but it all went so good with the arrival of the little one who has to wear these leg pressure garments 23 hours a day!!! :weep:I knew not a thing about any of it as I wasn't allowed to know, told to keep away as I was hated and insane and evil. I don't think she will ever see it as an accident. I really really don't.
---------- Post added at 13:41 ---------- Previous post was at 13:31 ----------
This was not your fault, it was a terrible tragic accident. Your daughter needs someone to blame and at she moment is blaming you. I hope that she will see that you were not to blame but at the moment she is just really hurting for her child.
Have you been to the doctors? If not then I suggest you do as this has been a very traumatic experience for you and I think you need counselling to help you through it. Sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Yes I went to the doctor's in January just after this terrible thing happened and was given Sertraline. I'm now on 100mg but it's not touching the churnings and feelings of "dread". She recently gave me some diazepam 5mg but said just to take one 3 times a week as they are addictive and also they stop working if you take them all the time. I took one at 3am and it helped to stop the churning but it's back again and I'm howling. I love my daughter but she blames me for ruining the baby's leg -- it WILL be scarred -- and she said she will always be there to give her confidence with the scarring as she grows up. She texted " My first born. I might never have another. Especially a girl. I'm having to come to terms she's not the baby we made. And it's all because of you. I've also lost the last bit of us".
Sarah,
It is a terribly sad situation for you to be in......I agree with Annie I think you need counselling.
:hugs:
Sarah
creative1942
25-03-14, 14:37
Very sad story, Creative. Know that it was purely an accident. Time sometimes does heal all wounds. Send your daughter and grand daughter cards. Give time a chance to heal this while continue to show them that you care. Hopefully your daughter will eventually come to the realization that this was just a terrible accident. Thinking of you.
Thank you x
---------- Post added at 14:37 ---------- Previous post was at 14:30 ----------
Sarah,
It is a terribly sad situation for you to be in......I agree with Annie I think you need counselling.
:hugs:
Sarah
I've been waiting since last December for Lift counselling. Nothings forthcoming but I haven't been too anxious about this till now. But right now, yes, I really need to have some regular meetings with someone but there's no other counselling in Bath that's free. I haven't enough income to pay privately so will see my GP as soon as I can. Just wish the crying would stop!!! I need milk but daren't go out just yet -- eyes look dreadful :ohmy:
I think you should go back to your doctor and ask if you can be referred for intense psychotherapy :hugs::hugs:
Hi Sarah,
I recall reading your previous post about this. I'm so sorry. This was truly a tragic "accident". I know you're in line for some counseling which will be beneficial. I want to just toss this out this thought...
The texting thing causes you so much stress and grief. What if you blocked the texts for while while you get yourself together? It sounds to me you've done everything you could to show your remorse and sorrow about the accident as well as your concern for the baby and your daughter, and all you get in return are nasty texts. It may be a good idea to take a break from the constant barrage of guilt.
Positive thoughts
Oh my.... I am sorry.
An accident is just that, an accident. Not an on purpose!
How are you doing today Sarah? No change in situation? I think I might have walked past you near town today but I wasn't sure if it was you...I smiled anyway. I can always try find time for a coffee with you if you're feeling particularly down one day, just give me a text if you need to.
creative1942
31-03-14, 07:54
Thank you Laura :hugs:that was so kind. Yes we must meet up again, and NR and SarahH too. As for me, "getting there" as they say but boy, is it hard!!!! :weep: My daughter has told my mediator (from Sirona) she doesn't want the baby to have any of the toys I've got here....my god that was so painful to take. There are so many she played with and loved. A lovely cot and more toys wherever I look. My support worker has said she can take them away for me and find families who could use them. Maybe it will be a good thing when they've all gone. My GP has suggested I write to the baby telling her how much I love her and how I miss her so that when she's 16 or so, if she comes to find me, she will know I didn't just give up on her.
I didn't see you in town Laura -- I was probably on "high alert", dreading bumping into the baby so watching buggies more than people! xxxx
It probably wasn't you I saw, don't worry. Yes we must get that meeting sorted out with the others sorted out!
That's so sad about the toys. I can't believe she would do that, she really is in a funny place. I like the idea about the letter, although your GP isn't being exactly positive about the time it takes to rebuild a relationship! I also like that you have a mediator, that should put an end to the hurtful texts.
I agree with Fishmanpa.
It probably feels like this awful situation has been going on forever but it has only been a few months and both you and your daughter's feelings are bound to be raw.
You both need time out to come to terms with what happened and it will be best if you do as she asks and break off contact for the time being. If she's that angry, badgering her will simply make things worse. Like any other sort of emotional trauma, there's no shortcut, you need to be patient while you wait for her to come round.
As the baby gets better she will see for herself that the accident probably hasn't caused any long-term damage and be more inclined to think rationally about what happened.
If it's any consolation, I knew a child who poured a pot of tea over himself and spent weeks in hospital with serious burns. There was some scarring but other than that he was too young to remember much about what happened. He was a just normal, happy boy who turned into a normal, happy adult.
writing a letter to the baby????? what an awful idea from the GP if I was the babies mom I would find this manipulative
sarah your best bet is to let sleeping dogs lie....prob just give it a little time then recontact your daughter not to much time though id say ten days - fortnight
tk care kris
writing a letter to the baby????? what an awful idea from the GP if I was the babies mom I would find this manipulative
sarah your best bet is to let sleeping dogs lie....prob just give it a little time then recontact your daughter not to much time though id say ten days - fortnight
tk care kris
I think the doctor meant to write a letter to the baby and keep it for when she is in her teens. I think this a lovely idea.
imho that still wont fix any bridges still would just let it lie for a bit of time
creative1942
02-04-14, 17:02
My daughter is still calling me evil and has told people I've totally scarred the baby for life. and she can never forgive me and I'm dead to her.I've never badgered her -- just initially kept pleading for news as the baby was in soooo much pain. I loved that baby with all my heart and getting no news, only very upsetting texts calling me every nasty name under the sun, made me even more traumatised. I'm still reliving that walk to the table. My god, I can't get it out of my mind. The scream and the baby's wet tights and red burn, the paramedics and the entire Waitrose staff seemed to be there. It's as real at the moment as it was in January. The baby has probably got a tooth through now, and maybe sitting up. I miss her with all my heart. My GP suggested I write letters telling the little one what has happened and why I haven't seen her and that she was always loved by me. Then, if she comes looking for me with angry questions when she's an adult, the letters will let her know how I've never stopped loving her. Someone I trust has had a little chat to my daughter about a totally unrelated thing and she apparently is still blaming me and said she always will.
Hi I have colossal ptsd. Terrible flashbacks about an event in January that has resulted in my daughter divorcing me yesterday. That's a strong word but shes told me over and over again I've ruined her life and the baby has been so ill. I took the babyinto waitrose and asked for hot water for her bottle which was handed to me in a faulty flask. I put the flask, which was also in a jug, onto the buggy to push it to the table but it leaked onto the little baby's leg. I was told I'd never see the baby again. I've begged and begged for two months asking how the baby is but never a word. She told me every time I asked how much it was all myfault and "you did this. My own mother". She texted howmuch she hated me and to stay right away. She said she cried and cried because she wanted to take her place but couldn't. And now, after a skin graft, the baby has to wear pressure garments 23 hours every day on both legs for 2 years. I knew nothing of this. I wasn't allowed any news. That poor baby. I adored her. I've been called evil, insane and hated. I can never see the baby again. She told me in a text last night " I'm sorry but I've lost the last bit of us". That broke me. I only came here from right across the country to care for the new baby when my daughter resumed work. I've got no family, no friends. I'm a retired lady, so utterly distraught and all I do is keep hearing the baby's screams when the water leaked onto her, the huge red leg when I pulled her from the buggy, the ongoingscreams, paramedics, the burns unit, being told to leave the baby and go back home miles and miles away in the pouring rain with no transport. From that moment in the café my life as I knew it changed for ever. So has the baby's, so has her mothers. Sorry this is so long but I don't know how to get rid of the memories or the terrible terrible heartache.
Reading this, you did not do this deliberately - if you had, it would be understandable. I think its a mother's natural reaction when something bad happens to their child - your daughter is angry and I think, I'm sorry to say this, being harsh that there is no bond between you anymore. The hospital didn't treat you well, either. I feel for you more than what I feel for your daughter, if I'm truly honest. I'm not saying your daughter's a bad person because I know absolutely nothing about her. I think you've been harshly treated, though. You did everything you could to try and mend the rift between yourself and your daughter. As much as it hurts, you should be able to hold your head up high in that respect but perhaps your daughter needs cooling off time? Maybe a good idea is, if you haven't done so already, is to write a letter to her and put your feelings down and if she still acts the same, you've done everything you can and everything correctly. I'm sure deep down your daughter does not mean what she says. You do need to get out there though and meet new people, or at the very least speak to somebody. It could make all the difference, at least in the short-term, which may lead to the long-term as well. I feel so sorry for you and do think, at the risk of repeating myself, you've been harshly treated here. All the best to you.
creative1942
02-04-14, 20:04
Thank you for that. I so admire your plain speaking :yesyes:. Yes I've done everything I can. I'm also threatened with blackmailed by her. So she gets to keep all the money I have in the world that I trusted her with. It's a long story. She knows I will be in serious trouble if she spills the beans and no way can I afford to let that happen. I never ever dreamt she would sink to blackmail. Anyway maybe one day I'll be able to be less "soft" and accept that she isn't a nice person to know, daughter or no daughter. Her father who she hasn't seen since she was 7 was EXACTLY the same cold, dismissive, unbearingly callous person. He was able to simply cut anyone out of his life who disagreed with him. He was a very high-up professional high-up but, dare I say, loathed at work. Some say character traits are passed down. I'm not sure if this is true but if it is I have got my answer. I like to live and let live and try to live peacefully and treat people how I would like to be treated. There's no need for people to display the hatred they do. I'll get off my soap box now :)
Thank you for that. I so admire your plain speaking :yesyes:. Yes I've done everything I can. I'm also threatened with blackmailed by her. So she gets to keep all the money I have in the world that I trusted her with. It's a long story. She knows I will be in serious trouble if she spills the beans and no way can I afford to let that happen. I never ever dreamt she would sink to blackmail. Anyway maybe one day I'll be able to be less "soft" and accept that she isn't a nice person to know, daughter or no daughter. Her father who she hasn't seen since she was 7 was EXACTLY the same cold, dismissive, unbearingly callous person. He was able to simply cut anyone out of his life who disagreed with him. He was a very high-up professional high-up but, dare I say, loathed at work. Some say character traits are passed down. I'm not sure if this is true but if it is I have got my answer. I like to live and let live and try to live peacefully and treat people how I would like to be treated. There's no need for people to display the hatred they do. I'll get off my soap box now :)
I re-emphasize my original point... did you mean to harm the child? A resounding no. Blackmail is a very dangerous game, anyway. Now I have a clearer picture, your daughter seems a wrong'un but I don't want to judge as I don't know her, yet she has treated you abysmally. Maybe the absence of a father has had a profound effect on her? Yes you can say he was loathed at work. Many people are. Looks like the traits were passed down. Yeah I mean surely your daughter can see that you didn't intend to harm the child? I just think *ffs*. You've nothing to be ashamed of and nothing to answer to. Let your daughter go down the wrong path and then people will see her for what she is and then we'll see what happens. Probably come back and say 'I'm so sorry' etc. Then she might see what its like to lead a lonely life. What goes around, comes around. Anyways, you concentrate on putting your life back together and if your daughter cannot accept that you didn't intend any hurt, that's her issue, not yours, regardless of the hurt it causes. The world is screwed up and unfortunately, there's not enough people, in my opinion, that give a s*it to do anything about it. Good luck to you. You sound a lovely person and sorry if it seems I'm slagging off your daughter, but it seems that she has acted improperly and is just not a nice person from what you say. Just my penny's worth.
I agree with Robinsky and you do need to concentrate on yourself and finding some happiness again. I really think that intense psychotherapy will help you. It worked really well for my PTSD. Ask your doctor about it as you need help and support to get these frightening images out of your mind. Lots of hugs for you :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
Listen to myself, Annie, along with the other good folk here and you'll do fine - you've done NOTHING wrong. When you get those frightening images in your mind, fight them.
You will come out a much stronger person because of this and one day, your daughter may see the error of her ways, when it may or may not be too late when she realises she's cut off all connection with the people who do care for her.
She may or may not have friends but to me, friends are immaterial - I find people so very hard to trust and learned only to trust myself. Its how I've managed to survive.
Good luck to you!
When I had my psychotherapy I was taught how to change the horrific images into better ones. Like changing the story in my mind so it had a different ending, a happier one. It was not easy to do and best to do it with the guidance of a psychologist.
The most important thing though is that you ARE NOT to blame. You are a lovely caring person. If you were not such a lovely person this would not be causing you all this pain and trauma.
creative1942
03-04-14, 00:22
All I got were texts like "she's not the baby we made" "you've ruined our first holiday together. No sun for two years" "she has to wear these horrible thick pressure garments 23 hours of every day, all because of you" "we're not ever welcoming you back because you've done nothing to make recompense" "yes you've bought her toys but you weren't there in the middle of the night with milk and nappies to support us when we had to dash to hospital with yet another infection".....:shrug: I just don't understand the recompense bit or not supporting them in the middle of the night. I didn't even know the baby was in hospital. I kept being told to "keep away", I asked repeatedly how she was but never got any feedback. The last few texts from her were as vitriolic as the first ones in January so nothing good is going to come of this. She's always acted as if she's been very "spoilt" -- she certainly hasn't. But lots of people have commentated on this over the years. Even said it's as though there's hatred for me in her. Yes I wish I could turn back the clock but for the baby's sake. I'll always adore her. The blackmail threat is indeed awful. I too don't see how someone who can sink that low will know a lot of love in her life. And she's a mental health nurse too! Got a Masters in it......Anyway, thanks for writing to me. You've helped me such a lot. x
---------- Post added at 00:22 ---------- Previous post was at 00:20 ----------
When I had my psychotherapy I was taught how to change the horrific images into better ones. Like changing the story in my mind so it had a different ending, a happier one. It was not easy to do and best to do it with the guidance of a psychologist.
The most important thing though is that you ARE NOT to blame. You are a lovely caring person. If you were not such a lovely person this would not be causing you all this pain and trauma.
Did you have the rapid eye movement thing? Sorry I don't know the name of that treatment but I couldn't afford it as it was about £60 a session.
"She's not the baby we made?" - That's a disgusting thing to say. The other comments are just spite - over something you didn't mean or intend to do. Hard to be there for her when she doesn't want to even know you, is it? She said as much. How are you supposed to help if you're asked to keep away? I'd keep out of your daughter's affairs for now as its not going to do you any good in the long term - if she wants to freeze you out, its her choice, but just remember as Annie said, you've done nothing wrong. Maybe her father leaving in her childhood had an affect on her? It shows from what you're saying, reflecting Annie's comments, that you're a good person and never meant to harm the baby. Your daughter is being totally unreasonable. I really feel for you. The blackmail is just pure evil. Its something that won't get you far, either, plus its very dangerous as well. Inside, she's probably a very lost person and hurting so badly and probably mixed up. I find it ironic she works in mental health when it seems to me she's a bit mixed up herself, maybe not on the same scale, mind. Concentrate on your own life now - you've done what you can to rectify matters and you can hold your head up high, knowing you've done nothing wrong. Rebuild your own life and let your daughter come to you, now. If your daughter does contact you, it shows at the end of the day that she is dependant on you, but can't show it in any other way than spite. Good luck to you and best wishes for the future.
Sarah - she can say it's not the baby she made, but in my opinion, she's not he daughter you made! Delete the texts - right now
littlepecos
05-04-14, 12:40
Just read this and wanted to say my thoughts are with you, what a terrible situation. And I agree wholeheartedly, an accident is an accident
Take care of yourself
Clare
I didn't have the rapid eye movement thing (EMDR). What I had was all to do with imagery.
Sarah one of my friends left a kettle near the edge of the worktop and her little one pulled it on top of himself. No one blamed her for this, it was a tragic accident and no one should be blaming you. These accidents happen a lot. You know yourself that you love the baby with your heart and would do nothing to harm the baby. Delete all the texts from your daughter. know in your own heart that you have done nothing wrong. xx
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