pregnant with severe hiv anxiey

[scaredmama2b]

not sure if I am posting to the correct place but here is my dilemma. I have had an extreme hiv fear for years now. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. There are times when it has been worse and times when it has been better. I recently became pregnant (unplanned) and my fear intensified. I wanted to immediately test for hiv. I have not had many partners and I have never used drugs, I know that I am very low risk to begin with but any risk has me fearing for my life practically. I purchased an oraquick in home oral test. I used it and it was of course negative.

I briefly felt at ease and then suddenly I began to worry. I was so nervous and do not remember if the test stick packaging was sealed or not. What if someone tampered with the test and there were infectious bodily fluids that got into my mouth when I swabbed my gums? Since it was in the box it was exposed to little to no oxygen therefore keeping it wet and infectious. This is my thought process. I know it is extremely unlikely and irrational but I have not been able to put it out of my mind nonetheless. I even retested three weeks later because I have been so sure I was exposed. I think the fact that I am pregnant has made my situation that much worse. No matter how much I read about hiv transmission I simply cannot let it go. If oral is a risk then how could this not be? I want to continue to test maybe at 6,8 then 12 weeks to release some anxiety but I also am aware that pregnant women are more likely to get false postives. If that were to happen to me I KNOW my anxiety would spiral out of control and I dont know what I would do. I just feel like this is a nightmare. I do not talk to anyone about this because I am ashamed. I don't even know why. I have seen a therapist but it has not helped at all. I need help :(

[RoseEve]

Hi there. Have you been to the doctor to confirm your pregnancy? Have you had our blood taken? Because they test you for every std known to man when you are pregnant, including HIV. Congratulations by the way.

[scaredmama2b]

hi. yes I am actually 14 weeks right now. The doctor didn't do blood work until I was 12 weeks and it was before that, around 11 weeks that I did the in home test when all of this started.

[Superworrier]

My sweet when your bloods are taken when you are pregnant they text for all sorts . Please try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. You are fine Hun xxxx

[RoseEve]

They tested you for HIV I see you live in the US I've had 2 babies they tested me. Put your mind at ease and call tomorrow and they will tell you that you were tested.

[scaredmama2b]

I know that I was tested for it at the doctors with the blood test. I also know it was negative because they would have called right away to inform me otherwise. My concern is through the home test I took about a month ago (if it were contaminated). HIV tests are not definitive until 12 weeks post exposure so right now I'm just stuck with these feelings.thats my problem

[nomorepanic]

It would be near on impossible that the packaging was in anyway compromised like that - you are going to be fine. Move on from this fear and enjoy the pregnancy

[scaredmama2b]

yes thank you for that! It is the 'near' that gets me :( I just want to know that it IS impossible. I don't know why I got so hung up on this. like i said, a real nightmare!

[nomorepanic]

No-one can say 100% but think about it and you will realise it just wouldn't happen in a sterile factory that makes the tests.

It just would NOT happen would it?

The real issue is your thoughts surrounding this and they need to be challenged not the results

[scaredmama2b]

I agree. Every time I tell myself to let it go and put it out of my head something tells me well what if I did get infected and you and the baby go without medication? That would be devastating. I really just want to totally forget about all of this jut don't know how. I really appreciate the advice. It is helpful

[nomorepanic]

thinking about it - most of these kits are made and packaged by robots/machines and not humans so I would say that 100% it could not be tampered with

[scaredmama2b]

yes. I never even thought about machines doing it and I know that the outside of the box was sealed because I remember having to remove the tape. I just saw pink fuzz possibly from clothing inside of the testing window, like underneath. That is when I got scared because I thought how in the world could that get in there? I know this all sounds crazy!

[puzzledlass]

Contrary to what people would have you believe, HIV is NOT that easy to contract!

By all means, if you're sexually active with someone then use condoms etc, very obvious advice here!

I've mentioned this to other people with this same fear (I've had the same fear myself). My Cousin married a man with full blown Aids almost 20 years ago. I draw reassurance from the following facts:

- They have kissed, had sex multiple times - yes condoms are used
- They have shared a house for the duration of marriage, so sharing dishes,linen etc

My Cousin has not contracted HIV/Aids.

So... my point is. The chance you were infected by a sterile test that was sealed? - not likely!

---------- Post added at 16:41 ---------- Previous post was at 16:40 ----------

In addition to my above post... they said my Cousins hubby would be lucky to live 5 years. That was about about 18 years ago. It's not neccesarily a death sentence.

[roxy90]

Oh lovey you do not in any way shape or form have HIV. I'm also pregnant and they test you for anything and everything, if there was any sniff of a chance you had HIV they would be all over it!

I also echo that the packaging is probably made by machines and would be hideously impossible to contaminate. I cannot see any situation where a HIV positive person working in a factory would get there bodily fluids in the box and then seal it.

You do NOT have it. Enjoy your pregnancy x

[scaredmama2b]

Thank you all! The funny thing is that I am totally aware of how absolutely off the wall this whole thing is but it STILL has me in complete terror. I desperately want to put this behind me. Does anyone have tips? Maybe anyone who has experienced hiv anxiety? It's so sad how miserable and upset I am 24/7 because I probably have no reason to be! I think I need to stay off google. Lately any spare time I have I spend looking up ways to convince myself I could NOT have gotten it this way but all it has seemed to do is get my anxiety to an all time HIGH.

again thank you for the reassurance and kind words. I have been needing to get this all out!

[jjjh]

I experienced HIV anxiety before getting the test during my pregnancy, however, I was fine after getting the negative test result. This of course freed me up to obsess over lots of other fun diseases! If you are that worried, why not request a new test? I seriously think your reasoning for concern is not concerning at all (but you already know that logically) but being stressed during pregnancy is not good. Get a new test if it will give you peace if mind.

[scaredmama2b]

I would but it has only been 4 weeks since this "home test fiasco" that has me worried. hiv tests are not conclusive until 12 :( so i fear I will just be stressed until then.

[jjjh]

How about speaking to the doctor when you are at your next prenatal appointment? I'm sure they can give you an idea of the likelihood of an issue?

[scaredmama2b]

ahh you're scaring me! I thought that this was all in my head and I didn't really need to...I just feel ashamed. not sure why as I haven't done anything to really be ashamed about.

[jjjh]

Sorry didn't mean to scare you. I'm pretty positive there's no way you would contract HIV this way but you seemed hard to reassure so I thought talking to the doctor would help. I sincerely think you have nothing to worry about but I know when someone tells me that, it helps more coming from a medical professional.