halfwayhome
30-11-06, 06:25
I'm losing it.
A long time ago, I had something weird with my hand. I couldn't turn on the lamp, or turn a key. It went away after a few days, and I never saw anyone for it.
Later on, my arm started feeling strange again, no motor skills problems, just a weird feeling, and an urge to jerk it a lot. I went to my doctor and he told me it could be my restless leg syndrom.. apparently stress can aggrivate it and it can happen in the arms and hands as well as the legs. Okay, cool, no problem, right?
But, recently, with my intense fear of brain tumors, this has come back. I've started to question everything as a problem with my motor skills - if I drop something, anything, I'm convinced it's the tumor. The right side of my face feels numb-like on some days, but not on others. If it were a tumor, it would always be there, not only some days, right? When I went to the doctor with my fears he told me that it was my anxiety. I asked about brain tumor, he did a neurological examination, said quite clearly "this is not a brain tumor." and wouldn't even do a scan because he was that sure.
My question is.. can anxiety make me think I'm losing my motor skills? I mean, things FEEL weird when I touch them with my right hand. They don't feel the same as with my left hand. I am constantly doing "tests" with myself to see if I've lost motor skills. When I type, my right arm gets tired more quickly than my left arm. Same thing with my right leg and left leg, my right leg feels weird. I'm sleeping a LOT but it's not restful and so I'm still really tired all the time. My sleeping schedule is also all messed up - I go to sleep in the morning, because I dread being at home alone when my boyfriend is at work. I used to get up when he got home, around four or five, but lately, because I'm sleeping so restlessly, I don't wake up until 7 or so at night. Today, I didn't full wake up until almost 9pm. My right eye also sometimes feels weird. It feels almost as though my eyelid has too much skin.. when I pull my eyelid, it feels more normal.
I'm tired of living like this. The fact that my doctor said I don't have a brain tumor should have been enough, but I'm convinced that I have one. So, I mean, seriously, in your experience.. can anxiety really do these things? Can it affect only one side of the body? Can it make me think I'm losing my motor skills? Can it make one side of my face numb?
Everyone says if I had a brain tumor, I would have more obvious symptoms.. I'd be behaving strangely, or saying things that didn't make sense.. I don't think that's ALWAYS true. I read a story (I know I shouldn't google, I can't help it.) about a guy who had a brain tumor.. his only symptom was a little bit of trouble with one of his arms. I HAVE TROUBLE WITH ONE OF MY ARMS. :( My boyfriend tells me that even though that was his only symptom, had a doctor given him a neurlogical exam, he WOULD HAVE FAILED IT. I can't allow this thought to sink in.
I'm so scared. If this really is anxiety, I'm in a horrible cycle. The anxiety aggrivates the symptoms, the more pronnounced the symptoms are, the more sure I am that I have anxiety. I woke up with a headache this morning and started having a panic attack because I just KNEW that it was the tumor and my head was going to explode and I was going to die.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess I'm just wondering.. anxiety can REALLY do this? All of this? :(
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
xoxox
A long time ago, I had something weird with my hand. I couldn't turn on the lamp, or turn a key. It went away after a few days, and I never saw anyone for it.
Later on, my arm started feeling strange again, no motor skills problems, just a weird feeling, and an urge to jerk it a lot. I went to my doctor and he told me it could be my restless leg syndrom.. apparently stress can aggrivate it and it can happen in the arms and hands as well as the legs. Okay, cool, no problem, right?
But, recently, with my intense fear of brain tumors, this has come back. I've started to question everything as a problem with my motor skills - if I drop something, anything, I'm convinced it's the tumor. The right side of my face feels numb-like on some days, but not on others. If it were a tumor, it would always be there, not only some days, right? When I went to the doctor with my fears he told me that it was my anxiety. I asked about brain tumor, he did a neurological examination, said quite clearly "this is not a brain tumor." and wouldn't even do a scan because he was that sure.
My question is.. can anxiety make me think I'm losing my motor skills? I mean, things FEEL weird when I touch them with my right hand. They don't feel the same as with my left hand. I am constantly doing "tests" with myself to see if I've lost motor skills. When I type, my right arm gets tired more quickly than my left arm. Same thing with my right leg and left leg, my right leg feels weird. I'm sleeping a LOT but it's not restful and so I'm still really tired all the time. My sleeping schedule is also all messed up - I go to sleep in the morning, because I dread being at home alone when my boyfriend is at work. I used to get up when he got home, around four or five, but lately, because I'm sleeping so restlessly, I don't wake up until 7 or so at night. Today, I didn't full wake up until almost 9pm. My right eye also sometimes feels weird. It feels almost as though my eyelid has too much skin.. when I pull my eyelid, it feels more normal.
I'm tired of living like this. The fact that my doctor said I don't have a brain tumor should have been enough, but I'm convinced that I have one. So, I mean, seriously, in your experience.. can anxiety really do these things? Can it affect only one side of the body? Can it make me think I'm losing my motor skills? Can it make one side of my face numb?
Everyone says if I had a brain tumor, I would have more obvious symptoms.. I'd be behaving strangely, or saying things that didn't make sense.. I don't think that's ALWAYS true. I read a story (I know I shouldn't google, I can't help it.) about a guy who had a brain tumor.. his only symptom was a little bit of trouble with one of his arms. I HAVE TROUBLE WITH ONE OF MY ARMS. :( My boyfriend tells me that even though that was his only symptom, had a doctor given him a neurlogical exam, he WOULD HAVE FAILED IT. I can't allow this thought to sink in.
I'm so scared. If this really is anxiety, I'm in a horrible cycle. The anxiety aggrivates the symptoms, the more pronnounced the symptoms are, the more sure I am that I have anxiety. I woke up with a headache this morning and started having a panic attack because I just KNEW that it was the tumor and my head was going to explode and I was going to die.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess I'm just wondering.. anxiety can REALLY do this? All of this? :(
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
xoxox