Why do I feel so guilty about this?

[Charlotteee89]

I'm not sure whether this is the right section to post this in but it is mainly about self confidence which is the underlying issue with SAD so I think it's better than any. :)

Anyhoo,

I've always been very slim & I go through periods where I hate it. When I was born I weighed as much as a bag of sugar does so it's safe to say I was born with a small body frame anyway. But my Mum has said when I was a child I didn't have a big appetite so I suppose that didn't help. When I got into my teens I didn't eat tonnes either, just about enough to keep my body functioning & I started my period at 13 so all was well. I just naturally didn't seem to have a large appetite & I've never been able to eat a load of food in one go either, i.e - starter, main meal & dessert - I get full quite quickly.

When I left School my SAD was very severe & I didn't do much, I was housebound but I still didn't eat a whole lot, my other problem was a mole on my face which mainly caused my SAD. I started going to sleep very late & waking up very late & so I wasn't eating 3 meals a day - Just 1 with a bit of breakfast & whole lot of junk food. I got my mole removed 2 years ago & my confidence drastically improved.

My Anxiety has flared up for 6-7 weeks now & my obsessive thinking has now shifted to my body weight insecurities.. :doh: Whereas before, yes I was very sensitive about my weight but I never put much power on these insecurities & just got on with it. I never over-analyzed it.

But now little things are making me feel low, I get thoughts like "Oh I wish I could wear a bikini & sunbathe!" "I'm never going to be able to get intimate with a guy even though I want to so much!" etc etc.

I have an epiphany earlier, I've never actually challenged my body weight so how do I know that I can/can't put on weight? Now I've had all sorts of plans rushing through my head about what I'm going to do about this (increase my calories, go to bed early, see a Nutritionist) issue. But for some reason I feel weird about it, almost guilty for trying to change myself? :unsure: Maybe it's because I know I'm over-thinking my low weight because of my obsessive thinking problem at the moment so maybe I'm thinking I shouldn't do anything about it? Like the only thing I need is to stop putting power on my obsessive thoughts & that's it... :wacko: But I did get my mole removed because of a confidence thing, so what's the difference? :shrug: I'm confused with myself. I feel bad for trying to 'fix' my depression/low mood when it seems to be down to my obsessive thinking, when I stop over-thinking maybe I won't feel like this, maybe? It's not a 'real' problem so to speak? There's nothing wrong with me trying to put on weight but I can't help but feel bad about it... :wacko:

Any ideas on what's causing me to feel guilty or wrong?

x

[Oosh]

Keep it simple.
Find out what your healthy body weight range is.
Be inside that.
Then "wear a bikini and sunbathe" and "get intimate with a guy" knowing you can feel secure in your body weight because like it or not it IS within your healthy weight range.
Get there and see how you feel.
Don't get sidetracked by complicating things.

Sometimes if you're indecisive it helps to just make a sensible plan by numbers and make a start. Discover more about yourself on the way.

[Charlotteee89]

I'm trying to have a plan for it but something is holding me back... I think it's my anxiety trying to convince me that this is an obsessional thought which I shouldn't pay attention too :unsure: whereas I've actually been insecure about my weight since I can remember! & I know if I put on weight I'd feel better about myself & feel like I can have a more fulfilled life!

I'm just feeling very lost & confused with my life atm... Anxiety is making me feel crazy. :/

[MyNameIsTerry]

Obsessive thoughts are like that, you question whether doing something is right and the anxiety tends to say its wtong because anxiety doesnt want change. Change is difficult and can make you anxious alone but change could also get rid of your anxiety. It sounds daft to non sufferers but they dont have their subconscious telling them that going out of your comfort zone is an alien concept to your brain.

Obsessive thoughts could easy make a big issue out of it so that you have body image problems. Its to be tackled the same was as all obsessive thoughts - accept you are ok or make a positive change and tackle them.


If you eat more, be careful how you do it. If you eat garbage to get high calories in, it will just be fat and you may then think the opposite and want it gone. It would probably be best to add sustainable weight via a more long term and healthy plan. You could always add some muscle by doing some weight training and eating more protein. You wont get big, thats very hard for women but muscle means more shape. It will eat the calories though so you would need to factor that into any other plan to gain weight or you may lose more bodyfat. For this you could speak to personal trainers in gyms. To add weight by food alone, consult a nutrionalist.


Get Dr Christian on the case!


You will lose your confidence and self esteem with your anxidty issues, its par for the course When you had your mole removed, it was to improve on these. You've just fallen into that cycle again.


Are you sure you need to gain weight anyway? Get an expert opinion because it could just be a confidence thing as you say and you need to learn to accept yourself.


Im sure there are many women who feel that way about beach wear and getting naked. Can I give you an incite into what us blokes think on the naked part? If we are going out with you, we are attracted to you and we cant wait to see you naked...mother nature hardwired that into us!

[Charlotteee89]

Yeah, there's definitely something telling me that trying to change myself is wrong! & I'm also aware that my obsessive thinking is making me feel more insecure about my weight which makes me feel more bad for putting power on these thoughts.

However, I am very underweight & I'm being repeatedly told by Doctors that I should put on weight & that they're surprised my body is still functioning properly. I need more 'meat on my bones' apparently. I'm about 5ft 3 & weigh around 6 stone (I'm not joking!).

So actually being healthy & eating more (I certainly don't eat (calorie wise) what a female of my age & height should be eating everyday, probably about half) would massively benefit me & obviously help my self esteem.

So overall, I probably should seriously think about changing my diet for the better & improve my quality of life.

[Oosh]

Get a protein shake (chocolate or other nice flavours)
http://m.myprotein.com/sports-nutrition/micellar-casein/10798909.html

Get a cheap blender.

Have a couple of protein shakes a day. It'll give your body the building blocks it needs to rebuild the tissue you've lost.
When you're not eating enough your body uses your muscle as fuel which is why you have no meat on your bones.
Take in some protein each day and it'll stop needing to do this.

If you throw the protein shake in a blender you can add things like strawberries to give it some nutritional content too.

Chocolate and strawberry milk shakes, doesn't sound hard to me :-]

I throw a tomato cupasoup in the blender and add tomatoes, spinach, Tabasco, ground chia seeds. Blend it all. Just tastes like spicy tomato soup but is full of super foods.

Get a powerful multivitamin from that link above.

Much easier to make yourself tasty drinks like these if you're not used to eating.

When you're within your healthy weight range consider that box ticked and don't go around and around in your head with thoughts about whether this is obsessional thinking or not and whether you should do this or that.
STOP. HEALTHY WEIGHT RANGE. BOX TICKED. NEXT

Then you're like the rest of us. You have insecurities bothering you whilst you try to fnd a partner or wear swimwear down the beach.

Like the famous book says, feel the fear(or insecurities) and do it anyway.
You don't want your life to pass you by.

[MyNameIsTerry]

You could always try weight gainer if you can't tolerate taking so much solid food. Just do things wisely.

If you GP is saying that, why aren't they referring you to a nutrionalist? If you are at a dangerous weight, you perhaps need someone to help you on a programme on weight gain and this seems the normal way.

As Oosh said, protein shakes will add calories but will provide them from a healthy source. You won't build muscle though unless your body is responding to muscle that has been torn (as if exercise, weight training, etc) but you may not even be sustaining the muscle your body needs so it could initially add some muscle. Remember, muscle is heavier than fat and it's healthy. If you add muscle though, you burn more calories so you may need to make an adjustment there but we would normally be talking about bodybuilding...it's just that being at a dangerous weight makes me worry that you need to steadily increase calories inline with gains.

One word of advice though, and I don't mean to scare you, if you use protein shakes some people who suffer from anxiety report increased symptoms of the protein is Whey. If this happens, just change to cassein or egg based instead which doesn't. Not all anxiety sufferers say that, I just know that some have mentioned this on bodybuilding forums in the past. They suspect it is the Gluten but science hasn't proved the links yet.

Do you know that undereating will make your body struggle to provide the correct levels of everything in your body including serotonin? This could be significant to you because by improving your diet you might greatly improve your mood and lessen your anxiety.

Do you have an eating disorder? That might account for a lot of the confidence issues, OCD, etc.

[Charlotteee89]

Thanks for the advice guys. :)

I was given tonnes of shakes (300 calories each 3x a day) from a Gastrologist a few years back but they tasted vile so I stopped taking them, he didn't seem overally bothered & he stopped the appointments.

I think the best option would be the simple one - eat more. I tend to go to bed at 3-4am & wake up at 12-2pm which I really need to change. If I went to bed earlier & woke up earlier I'd have more space in the day to be able to fit more meals/food in. I know I'm not eating enough, probably never have done. I've always 'binged' on junk food though.

I've never had an eating disorder (been accused of it many times though!), I simply just don't eat enough but because my body is so used to only eating so much in a day it's never really effected me. Well confidence wise it has.

I'm going to book an appointment with my GP & talk about being referred to a Nutritionist.

& I never thought about the fact that being underweight could be contributing to my anxiety problems... Interesting!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Heh Charlotte, remember you also having a thread where you said you have periods of low moods?

Lack of good nutrition or enough of certain vitamins & minerals can cause mood swings and low moods.


So perhaps you have a practical way to start improving with thay may help you get more control of the others.

[Charlotteee89]

Yes, I definitely can have a few days where I feel depressive... I wonder if my diet isn't helping? I'm so intrigued by this!

I do struggle with extreme tiredness, not sure why! My iron levels are building back up now, but I notice it after I've eaten a big meal (when all I've eaten before that meal is something light..). I think my body does struggle to digest a lot of food in one go especially if that's my first 'big' meal of the day. I probably need to eat something more filling earlier in the day.

[Phuzella]

Eat little and often :)

[MyNameIsTerry]

If you dont eat much and have large meals it will bloat you up.

The larger the meal, the longer the thermogenic period after it. The sports world is a bit divided by studies that back up lots of smaller meals vs less & larger meals but for you, you need to let your body adjust. Continually eating small each day over a period of time will cause the stomach to shrink, so to make it grow you need to gradually increase food intake to avoid bloating or feeling sick afterwards.

[Charlotteee89]

I've been told by my GP before to eat smaller meals but more food in general to let my digestive system adjust.

So I think I should do that initially, gradually build up my food intake. :) I certainly felt depressive for a bit earlier when I was feeling really hungry & lethargic, then after I ate my mood lifted massively... Now my anxiety is playing up but only because I'm bored. I should probably think about going to bed.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Low blood sugar hence low mood. Eat and it corrects it.

Its possible to experience anxiety after eating as it will raise your body temperature.


Go with it, if it works you will feel stronger and more able to tackle the other issues.

[Charlotteee89]

My obsessive thinking is certainly making things harder! My anxiety wants me to put on weight NOW & then my mind starts dwelling on the fact I can't & starts forcing me to feel low about it. It's very infuriating!

I've eaten more today, I know it's going to take a while to see any weight gain (or even any at all). Some days I feel too anxious to eat much which doesn't help especially when I get the anxiety symptoms of nausea & lightheaded-ness.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thats good. It's a start.

If you are finding it hard to eat your calories, drink them. Just try to drink sensible things and not loads of empty calories like soft drinks.

36,000 calories per pound of muscle gain and calories have to be over normal requirements and you need sufficient protein. If you are gaining it in fat, it will be easier but I don't want to encourage that as you could put on more than you want to and end up feeling the same and needing to diet! It's worth calculating your daily needs and then adding X calories on top of that.

There are loads of sports science sites on the internet that will help you calculate that.

I get something similiar. I know what I need to do but the OCD and GAD gang up and say "no, we like things like they are". I think sometimes it's as if we are afraid to get better which makes no sense given we are suffering!!!

[Charlotteee89]

Haha, yes don't want to make things more complicated for myself! I'm trying to get myself a GP appointment but I can't seem to get one easily at the mo, but I will keep trying everyday!

In the meantime I'm just going to stick to just trying to eat more (not junk food, which is a bad habit of mine - eating chocolate & crisps when I'm feeling peckish!) during the day & of course try & wake up earlier so I can actually fit more meals in.

Oh yes I know what you mean! There's always something telling me in my brain to not do something.. I think it's the fear of going into the unknown & being scared of how it's going to plan out. It's almost like being anxious & allowing yourself to keep being anxious is a safety behaviour - rather than doing something with the feeling of uncertainty. Also, it could be a fear of failure.

I'm feeling anxious today because of the fact there's a guy at work I like & I'll more than likely see him later on my evening shift! Now, because I'm having more 'normal' anxiety my 'other' anxiety stuff is pushing through, the obsessive thinking. I'm over-thinking everything today, & I'm feeling rather flighty & alert. :whistles:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Fear of failure sounds right, the anxiety is saying "stay here, its safe here" but thats an avoidance isnt it?

Anxiety is a bit like a dam with a hole in it. You plug one hole and another develops. You get GAD, you start tackling it, you get OCD, etc. I sometimes wonder whether its a form of energy that needs dispelling so if you shut off one avenue of escape, it looks for another one. Its the curse of GAD really, it can mimic elements of all the other anxiety disorders.

[Charlotteee89]

Exactly! Anxiety becomes your safety even though you want it gone!

Yes, as soon as one thought has calmed down another quickly surfaces & the whole cycle starts again.

I have 2 obsessive thoughts that plague me but they both link with each other. Again, I'm having a hard time not concentrating on obsessive thoughts that I'm lonely or alone, it's getting worse as it's my day off work today & I'm struggling to find something to do - I'm bored. Boredom makes my obsessive thoughts 10x worse, they take a life of their own as I've got nothing much else to think about or actually my mind won't let me think of anything else. My mind can't help but constantly search for reasons 'why' I'm feeling like this which then makes me feel even worse as I've obviously 'found' a reason. I can't help but be 'convinced' by these reasons/thoughts.

:/

[Sunflower2]

Hey Charlotte I can completely relate to feeling self conscious.. I'm 5ft 6 and only 44kg, so I'm very boney and constantly get told by people to put on weight. If I don't eat enough I lose weight really quickly, much to the annoyance of my friends. They also make fun of my body too - my bones stick out very oddly!

I used to get really badly bullied for it at school too, but I've always somehow been fairly confident with my body. It looks different from almost everyone I know, but I'm proud of it because it's mine, plus it means when you even do a bit of exercise you really notice the results! Being body confident is about believing you are exactly the way you should be, everything works and someone out there is always going to wish they looked like you. Treat yourself and look after your body, wear clothes that other people couldn't pull off and enjoy the fact you can eat as much chocolate as you'd ever like!

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hey Charlotte I can completely relate to feeling self conscious.. I'm 5ft 6 and only 44kg, so I'm very boney and constantly get told by people to put on weight. If I don't eat enough I lose weight really quickly, much to the annoyance of my friends. They also make fun of my body too - my bones stick out very oddly!

I used to get really badly bullied for it at school too, but I've always somehow been fairly confident with my body. It looks different from almost everyone I know, but I'm proud of it because it's mine, plus it means when you even do a bit of exercise you really notice the results! Being body confident is about believing you are exactly the way you should be, everything works and someone out there is always going to wish they looked like you. Treat yourself and look after your body, wear clothes that other people couldn't pull off and enjoy the fact you can eat as much chocolate as you'd ever like!

Nice one Kimberley, I like that attitude! :yesyes::yahoo:

You get in the gym and add the protein and you get a fitness bod's build quickly and the others are struggling with making the gains...thats great!

---------- Post added at 06:36 ---------- Previous post was at 06:31 ----------

Charlotte, you could look at Dependant Personality Disorder to see if thats the problem.

Right at the end of my CBT for GAD, depression & OCD, my therapist decided that I also had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

So, if that fits, maybe it needs a different set of tactics. Personality disorders are well ingrained in you so are harder to treat and you wouldn't be aware of them as thats your normal 'persona' but when this was shown to me, I immediately saw it and now understand thats me. I remember the therapist saying you needed at least 4 of the traits but check that out because that might have been limited to mine.

Does any of that fit?

[Charlotteee89]

Hey Charlotte I can completely relate to feeling self conscious.. I'm 5ft 6 and only 44kg, so I'm very boney and constantly get told by people to put on weight. If I don't eat enough I lose weight really quickly, much to the annoyance of my friends. They also make fun of my body too - my bones stick out very oddly!

I used to get really badly bullied for it at school too, but I've always somehow been fairly confident with my body. It looks different from almost everyone I know, but I'm proud of it because it's mine, plus it means when you even do a bit of exercise you really notice the results! Being body confident is about believing you are exactly the way you should be, everything works and someone out there is always going to wish they looked like you. Treat yourself and look after your body, wear clothes that other people couldn't pull off and enjoy the fact you can eat as much chocolate as you'd ever like!

I love your attitude! I wish I could be so body confident! Well I do go through stages where I'm not bothered by it but I think that's because I've gotten so used to myself being insecure about my body so it's 'normal' for me. But maybe I've also been mildly depressed about it for years but not until this latest anxiety bout has it x those thoughts by 100! Hmmm.

I'm still trying to eat more... It's not easy! I'll get there though.


Nice one Kimberley, I like that attitude! :yesyes::yahoo:

You get in the gym and add the protein and you get a fitness bod's build quickly and the others are struggling with making the gains...thats great!

---------- Post added at 06:36 ---------- Previous post was at 06:31 ----------

Charlotte, you could look at Dependant Personality Disorder to see if thats the problem.

Right at the end of my CBT for GAD, depression & OCD, my therapist decided that I also had Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

So, if that fits, maybe it needs a different set of tactics. Personality disorders are well ingrained in you so are harder to treat and you wouldn't be aware of them as thats your normal 'persona' but when this was shown to me, I immediately saw it and now understand thats me. I remember the therapist saying you needed at least 4 of the traits but check that out because that might have been limited to mine.

Does any of that fit?


I've always been very independent but I think that was because of my social anxiety - I didn't like or feel comfortable around people for too long. When my social anxiety got better I've been more generally independent, just getting on with things, building my confidence back up. But since my obsessive thoughts about loneliness kicked in I do feel more anxious when I'm not around people or certain people or completely alone in my house. Because I had a panic attack at home at night all the thoughts I had during come flooding back when I'm at home. I've always struggled with self confidence & I am quite sensitive. But I am reluctant to do things I haven't done before on my own (physical things like hanging something on a wall, building a chest of drawers - wouldn't have a clue!) But I definitely don't feel I can't take care of myself or need someone to take care of me. So a Dependent Personality Disorder? I'm not sure. I think my obsessive thoughts about loneliness are making me feel more dependent because being alone triggers those thoughts.

It's all something I need to talk to my Therapist about when I see her again in a few weeks. I'm so confused with myself. :wacko:

A friend at work has Borderline Personality Disorder so I am aware of the symptoms so in hindsight I don't think I have it. She's talked to me about it in a lot of detail. I think my sudden change in moods are making me think "What the hell?" though. Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder...? Hmmm. I would say I can get obsessive with things but that was when my social anxiety was sky high & most of the obsessive things were a way of me 'controlling' my anxiety. & I think some of that obsessive-ness is still here to be honest. My mind has got itself in such a habit of it. But also, saying that, things I used to be obsessive about I'm not so much now, I'm more chill which I think throws me off from time to time, I'm so used to being so organised & 'on point' with everything. Maybe this bout of obsessive thinking is my mind freaking out over not having much to obsess over? It's channeling that years-long habit onto something else to fill the mental space that would've been full?

[MyNameIsTerry]

Monophobia may fit to the issue of being alone but its because its where a random PA occurred. But is there any advice under monophobia that may help?

[Charlotteee89]

Ahhh yes I'd say Monophobia fits me more! I'm definitely scared to be alone & alone in my house as I get a load of horrible obsessive thoughts when that is the case. I don't think it's severe as I can actually have times where I feel okay when I'm by myself (albeit when I'm not at home but I am by myself, like when I'm in town, at work) - It's just those obsessive thoughts! :wacko:

[MyNameIsTerry]

I know in my case that I have GAD which caused OCD. However, when I was at my worst I also felt agoraphobia and SA.

I got over the agoraphobia via exposure but I'm still working on the SA a bit.

GAD is just so complex because it mimics other anxieties and phobias. For instance, I do suffer from some issues that could be classed as HA but I know I don't really have HA because I can reason with it in that I don't assume it's something like cancer, tumor, etc but I do think about the fact that something is wrong.

This is why CBT didn't work properly for me as I needed more time than it could give.

Are you feeling any better in yourself for eating more? You might want to think about supplementation as well. Supplements such as fish oils high in certain types seem to pop up in studies on depression for instance. At worst, it helps your body anyway and is good for your heart.

[Charlotteee89]

Last time I saw my Therapist she said I have a mixture of GAD, SAD & Panic Disorder. But now I think it's more the obsessive thinking that leads to panic & depression symptoms that's affecting me. Over the past 8 weeks I've seemed to of gone through all of the anxiety disorders!

I think once the obsessive thinking switch has been turned on it's very hard to switch it back off! I think it's something CBT can help with the best, will power doesn't seem to last very long!

Right now I'm feeling low over my obsessive thoughts, I just want them gone! I'm so sick of obsessing & over-thinking/analyzing everything. I'm tired too which isn't helping. I feel a bit helpless to be honest.

& I'm not so sure as I haven't been eating great the past 2 days, unhealthy food rather than healthy! I've also been feeling nauseous due to anxiety which obviously doesn't make me want to eat much.

Hopefully next week I'll do better! :)