Confession time... (possible anxiety triggers in here)

[teej]

Hi Everyone.

I return looking for some support and love. I've been doing super well on my 50 mg sertraline and the odd 2mg diazepam until last week when I forgot to take my dose a number of times (possibly up to 3 - I don't know). I'd been so happy and was riding my bike loads that it just didn't occur to me.

By Friday I felt pretty anxious about various themes I worry about a lot - situations my brain has created that I can't possibly do anything about - aliens invading, the planet being destroyed somehow (if someone could take me out of these worries that'd be great).

By Saturday I'd entirely fallen off the wagon and started drinking again. Bad me. Basically this week has just been one big bender. Sobering up enough to get into work (I don't drive!) - shake my way through work before drinking again - sometimes up to a whole bottle of vodka a night. And of course this has just been an absolute vicious circle as the drinking - especially that much - has just jammed my anxiety through the roof again - waking in the morning with such dread and anxiety it's not even true.

This morning I visited my doctor, lied my ass off about what was happening and got dished out diazepam and zopiclone (which I don't take with alcohol I might add).

Now as I sit here this afternoon (and yes I'm sober) I just realize what an incredible idiot I've been this week - undoing so much hard work.

I'm seeing my GP again on Monday so I think it's going to be confession time yet again. I just feel such a s**tbag having lied.

I'm going to have to taper the booze back down over this weekend so hopefully by Monday I won't have to ask for help with alcohol withdrawal which I'm reasonably certain I'm suffering again (symptoms of severe anxiety killed with one drink).

Sorry for the confessional. I know this isn't a forum about alcohol abuse either but I know it comes up from time to time. I just wanted to confess to someone and see if anyone can help support me getting through this.

Thanks

T :weep:

---------- Post added at 13:04 ---------- Previous post was at 13:03 ----------

Oh and I'm seeing my counsellor in an hour so I think it'll be double confession time. :weep:

[teej]

Hi everyone. I'm sad no one posted to help me. :weep: I'll keep writing though maybe someone will be inspired by my ramblings.

Well I had a *much* better day yesterday. Saw my counsellor, confessed the lot and felt much better. Got myself back into work yesterday afternoon too.

Came home, went for a 5K run, picked up some food and started my alcohol taper. Drank a third less than the night before and feeling so much better this morning.

Woke with some anxiety but it was vastly more manageable than yesterday. Clearly this living experiment proves that alcohol causes more anxiety than it ever solves.

So will be cutting back even further tonight so I'm on track for a positive doctor's visit on Monday where I don't have to admit to being in alcohol withdrawal. :yahoo:

Today I'm off to see a good friend which should help me to stay distracted and feel safe. :bighug1:

Thanks for reading.

[ninnie]

Tell the doc the truth. They wont judge you. Dont beat yoursef up. Just get back on your pills and start again. Its not easy to cut out the drink I know, but you will feel better when you do.
I am almost tee total now as im currently scared I have something wrong with my pancreas from drinking too much for years. Doc says its not, but you know how it is.....:blush:
aim to be drink free for today, assuming youve not had any already........then do the same tomorrow. If you slip up, you just start again.......you will get there in the end:hugs:

[teej]

Hey ninnie! Thanks for replying!

I'm still taking my sertraline - I started again as soon as I realized my mistake.

I'm tapering down on the drinking since I started to get the dreaded withdrawals. I've done it many times before. I use the Hamsnetwork tapering guide. I know it's not for everyone but it works for me. My aim is to be dry by middle of next week with no withdrawals.

Unfortunately I do seem to be prone to getting the withdrawals quite bad when I pass the magic 24 units in a day for several days.

I think I'm more ashamed that I lied than the fact I have a problem with drinking. I admitted that a long time ago.

[ninnie]

Everybody tells the odd lie here and there and to be honest, I think the docs know you are fibbing. Mine does.........so now I just tell him the truth. :)

[Rennie1989]

Always remember what you achieved before. The positive attitude, the bike riding, it's evidence that you CAN do this. Relapse is such a common occurance in recovery, I don't think I know anyone who has not relapsed in recovery. Accept the fall back, kick the drinking habit before it becomes more serious and settle down with the medication and you'll be back to a happier and more stable self.

[wabbit1]

Hi. I'm glad you feel better after telling your counsellor. I had a similar situation recently with painkillers and self-harm. My CPN kept asking at the end or our sessions if there was anything else I wanted to talk about and I always said no. Then one day I blurted it all out. I felt so much better for telling someone and immediately the frequency in which I was self-harming decreased and it also meant she understood better what was going on in my head. I was definitely more ashamed at hiding it than I was at doing it.

You sound determined and I know you can get through this time. The doc will definitely not judge you.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well done, you're on your way to stability again!

Remember that suddenly stopping SSRIs will cause withdrawal symptoms which can be quite bad which is why you have to taper them off. So, if you missed them on consecutive days, this would have affected you.


Is there an AA that you can use as well?


Dont feel guilty, guilt is a powerful emotion that will feed low mood, depression, anxiety, etc. View it as another lesson on the journey to get better.

[teej]

Thank you so much guys. It's really great seeing all the positive messages.

It's true -the guilt can bring a person back down again. I've worked through some of the guilt in my life with my counsellor but it does seem to be a continuing theme,

I do suffer the SSRI withdrawal horribly so it's good to know missing a couple of doses is going to kick that off. I think any substance I take seems to mess me up. I'm really hoping I can go med free one day. It's a long way off.

Alcohol taper is going absolutely great. I've not stopped this weekend. Did a 60Km bike ride this morning and then spent the afternoon servicing my bike. Always gives me a buzz! Before I knew it it was 7pm! No time for moping around this afternoon drinking and I've got a great glow from the sunshine!

Tomorrow is crunch day again with the doc. I'm going to be going in confident since the improvement I've made since Friday is epic.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. Knowing you're all out there and with me is great. :bighug1: